Cousin steals small things from me—how to handle

[blisstwins]

I have almost no family. I divorced a few years ago and my parents and siblings have died.
I have one first cousin who I love and enjoy. She is good company, but cannot be counted on for help, etc.
A lot of the problem stems from the fact that she is a very envious person. My family was wealthier than hers, and I am better educated and make more money. She is unhappy with her own life and thinks everyone else has it easy. She has said as much to my children.
The thing really bothering me now is nothing new, but maybe I have hit my threshold? She takes stuff all the time. If she uses my bathroom she might take an eyeliner or lipstick. My mom
Passed away and I am clearing her apartment. Without asking she went through my moms jewelry (costume) and took what she said she had given her over the years. She told my daughter, not me. I had my makeup at my moms and I can see she pillaged that to. I even saw some of my things in her bathroom and did not say anything because I feel like if I do I will just have no family. She is constantly crying poverty and I have helped her and her brother here are there. Everyone works, but they think I am rich, especially since my sibling died (sib was not married, no children). They don’t understand I am a single mom and have two children to get through college, etc.
How would you handle?
Fwiw, if I confront directly she will just lie. She will sai she had the same one, thought I did not want it and will give it back, or will y my mom told her to take it (absolutely untrue).
I have this and wish I could just enjoy my cousin, but I feel as though she thinks I am an idiot

You're being pretty daft aren't you? How you deal with this depends on how much backbone you can grow I guess.
First you need to realise that she's a relative but she's definitely not your friend. Second recognise that these smaller thefts will quite likely develop into something bigger. The more she gets away with it the braver she will get.
Do you have the guts to visit her one day with a decent sized handbag and quietly pick up as much of your stuff as you can before you leave? Say nothing. If she gets in touch about it be direct - you seem to have borrowed quite a lot of my belongings and so I've taken them back.
Stop letting her into your house. Give any reason you like to meet elsewhere. If she comes in don't leave her alone. If she goes to the loo be nearby when she comes out.
Or just do what I'd do - go round, do the stuff in bag thing, leave. Tell her, or send a letter if necessary, telling her that the friendship is over because she has stolen so much from you and she's not welcome any more.

@Howshouldibehave

I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone like this

A friend has talked me into doing Thanksgiving her in the fall and I will accept

What does this mean? Do you mean you’re doing thanksgiving WITH her? Is the friend something to do with the cousin? Stop being talked into things.

I read this as the OP usually spends thanksgiving and Christmas with the cousin, but this year OP will be having thanksgiving with a friend instead, so distancing from the cousin a little.

OP, blood isn't everything. Your cousin is stealing from you, she stole from your deceased mother, she has no respect for you at all. To her, you are The Man, some faceless corporate body she can steal from as some spiteful retribution about the unfairness of life. Nobody who loves you would treat you like this.

If you don't want to cut her out completely then meet her outside your house and never let her inside. Tell her you know she's been stealing from you and you're not going to give her the opportunity anymore. I predict that the trash will take itself out and once she can't steal from you anymore she won't want to see you. She only sees you to slyly and gleefully take you down a peg or two.

She sounds awful, her behaviour is shocking. It sounds like you're a bit dependent on her on some emotional level. I would get some counselling to help deal with this and in the meantime don't let her into your house.

@Howshouldibehave

I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone like this

A friend has talked me into doing Thanksgiving her in the fall and I will accept

What does this mean? Do you mean you’re doing thanksgiving WITH her? Is the friend something to do with the cousin? Stop being talked into things.

@Howshouldibehave

My friend has said much of what you all are saying—family is more than blood and that I don’t owe my cousin the holiday. My cousin invited us to Thanksgiving at hers last year, less than a month after my mother died (my mom always hosted so this was a hard milestone), and then she canceled at the last minute leaving my children and myself without plans.
No one in my family had boundaries, really. My cousins parents were alcoholic and the older son my family always worried about my cousin because of what she had to deal with. I have had it easier than her in many ways, but I am always generous and never unkind. He just thinks I am wealthy and that things are not fair. The world is not fair. She is not my sister though and I have children I am responsible tor. She needs A LOT OF dental work, for example. More than 30k. I said I would help her with a few thousand, but I suspect she thinks I should pay most of it. After all, my sibling died so I have “all that money.”
I also appreciate the advice about my daughter, she is a wise beyond her years kid with better sense than me somehow. I was raised that blood is thicker than anything and we stand by family, never cut anyone out. Support and see them through otherwise we are alone in the world. So literally being alone, except for this cousin, is hard for me.
She is not distant—her parents lived in the same building when I was growing up and I saw her almost every day of her childhood.

Thank you for helping me think all this through. She and her brother were awful to me last Christmas and I wrote them an email telling them how set up I felt. They got very angry and came up with everything they thought I have done wrong in my life and then they ignored me for a while. The cousin and her brother proposed she be able to move into my brother’s former home for a nominal rent since “I did not need it.” Taxes are not settled, my ex will likely take me back to court as circumstances have changed, and honestly I don’t feel responsible for housing her. I would rather have for my children, even if it feels unfair to my cousin.
So to get me back she takes my self tanner? Ugh.

I'd not tolerate this. Things cost money, you work hard for the money. You say you'd have given the items if she asked, but that's not the point. She's an adult that can surely grasp the concept that some people have more money that others and that doesn't mean you are entitled to stuff because life is so unfair.

Tbh I'd cut her off. She's not family, she's a lying, manipulative CF.

@FrenchieFromGrease
I think you have nailed it perfectly—all of it. I really don’t have her over anymore. The recent stuff has been from my mom’s and I will finish emptying it this week.
It just makes me sad, though I know you guys are right and writing it out proves it. Her family has taken advantage of mine for a long time. I guess we all took it because we could and cared about them (I have many more stories). But I am really alone and instead of treating me with kindness, I still feel on guard with them. It sucks.

My mother almost adopted this cousin and her brother at one point because both parents were raging alcoholics. She is more than a decade younger and came to stay with me some summers when she was a teen just to get her out. She has often says she wishes my mother had adopted her (her parents got help) and we (mom and I) always felt love and responsibility toward her. She is cunning though and exploits it.

This is all very helpful, btw. I really wonder if my anger is justified or not because it is all so petty (costume jewelry, nail polish, etc). It just makes me feel violated.

Oh come on, OP. She's stealing everything she can from you and wants your family money, too.

Listen to your daughter.

Does your daughter live in the same neighbourhood? I'd be tempted to move away from that lot (but take your daughter with you!)

It's not the items, it's the attitude that is really telling. Your cousin let you down right after your DM,s death and thinks she or her DB should live at your DM's house, the jealousy and pettiness towards you is so blatant and yet still you forgive her. I'm sorry but she doesn't love you Op, she wants to be you and have what you have. I'd refuse to have her at the house and cut contact right back, this whole relationship is very unhealthy

Oh wow, she wouldn't come in my house ever again!

@blisstwins

This is all very helpful, btw. I really wonder if my anger is justified or not because it is all so petty (costume jewelry, nail polish, etc). It just makes me feel violated.

That's your problem right there, OP, you've got some form of internalised guilt because, as you perceive it, your life has been easier than hers and you now have more money though for a sad reason, with two family deaths therefore you 'owe' her, you are required to lie down and let her trample on you while you meekly pay for her £30k dental work, house her in your dead brother's home and allow her petty thieving and unpleasant behaviour around Thanksgiving and Christmas to go unchallenged.

OP, it's not your fault her parents were alcoholics. And you were raised with some strangely absolutist ideas about the holiness of the blood bond of family, which is being exacerbated by your feeling that because of your family deaths, that you are 'alone in the world' apart from this woman, who is pilfering from you and badgering you for large sums of money and a free roof over her head. Which is of course nonsense -- you have children and friends and a whole world that doesn't consist of your cousins and their bad behaviour.

It's a false dichotomy to think you're choosing between being 'alone in the world' and 'allowing my cousin to continue to steal from me'.

She doesn't seem a good friend at all and no way would I be letting her in - and certainly wouldn't have let her in my parent's place. If you want to see her (and I can see it's a difficult dilemma for you) then only see her outside for coffee or in a cafe for lunch etc. That way she can't take things from you!

Your anger is justified. The more you post the more it's clear that it's justified. Your daughter is showing where your boundaries should be. Honestly, you should cut contact completely. Give nothing. I'd be changing the locks on any houses they have keys for as well, including your Mum's.

I had a friend who did this when I was a child. I know because my mum hand made all my dolls clothes.

I basically stole them back and never spoke to her again. I’d do that OP.

@Fistful I think you nailed it. Thank you to everyone for responding. It is helpful for me to see that it is not the items, but rather the way I am regarded and treated she says she loves me and I crave that, but her action shows otherwise. It is not my fault her life has not turned out as she hoped. Only she can change that. My mother offered to help her pay for public or in-linecollege as an adult, but she would not do it. I offered to help her look for an apartment and was going to help her with a down payment, but she said she wanted my brothers place instead which I really could not afford. It is quite hard to grow up so different from my family. I am in the states and we have magnet schools, etc. and I really am the only one who took academics seriously. My whole life I was made to feel like that made me some kind of ass. I did tell my cousin (and her brother who I have little to do with) that they seemed to regard my brother’s death as something like a lottery win for me and that it is sickening. I really do need to strengthen my network of fiends (I do have great friends—interesting, kind, honest) and start to built new traditions with just my children. I am a teacher so I am not high income. I really am tired of this and your responses are a good reality check.

@SisterAgatha

I had a friend who did this when I was a child. I know because my mum hand made all my dolls clothes.

I basically stole them back and never spoke to her again. I’d do that OP.

@SisterAgatha I am so tempted to do this. She had a tub of clarinet self tanner in her bathroom last time I was there. I thought I should ask her if she likes it, because I had just bought a tub to try. When I got to my mom’s mine was gone. She had gone to my moms when I was not there and took it. I really want to go into her bathroom and either just take it or come out and say “is this mine?” Fwiw, I joined beauty pie and know how much she likes makeup and products. I spent over $300 for her birthday so huge boxes of things came. I give her things all the time, but maybe that is the problem because it reinforces the dynamic. I have a lot to think about.

Many thanks to all.

Her lack of money or success isn’t your fault.

You shouldn’t be punished for doing well or having privilege.

You need to make sure she doesn't have access to your Mothers place change locks if necessary

@TeacupDrama
I will only have it for a few more days. It is just a rental apartment. That’s why this is all so stupid. She asked for one valuable/sentimental thing from my grandmother that had passed to my mom and I said yes (we were both grand daughters so let her enjoy).
She has basically taken slightly used makeup….

I was only 10 so I know it’s different, but because it was so obviously my mums dolls clothes I just thought THE AUDACITY! And took it all back.

You don’t even need to address it if you don’t want to. Steal it back, I guarantee you she won’t say a word because it would mean admitting what she’s done. If she asks you, look her hard in the face. You know it’s yours, you’re 100% right to take it back.

One moment of bravery, just pocket the lot x

I just called her out!
She texted about coming over to get the sentimental item, and I told her to wait until I am there.
She then told me she took 2 others things without asking —at least she told me (framed pictures).
I said “you took more than that though. You took some of my makeup too.”
Dead silence.
Thank you for making me feel like it is not petty to say something just because I would let her have what she takes if she asks.

They seemed to regard my brother’s death as something like a lottery win for me

This is absolutely heartbreaking. OP, "stand by family" is a great motto as long as they stand by you too, and don't abuse and exploit you and try to wear you down with niggling little asides that are calculated to send you on a guilt trip and hand over what is rightfully yours. Would your brother want to see this woman living at peppercorn rent in his house? He bloody well wouldn't, and nor would your DCs, who deserve to come first in your life.

Well done for confronting her. Now it's time to cut her loose.

I know how you feel about the sense of family duty, as my cousin's early life somewhat resembles what happened to your cousin -- alcoholic dad, beaten-down mum, scarce money and envy of my family, who were not wealthy but had a better grip on finances than did her own. She still lets me know about it now (tho she is 65 and I am 55!).

However, an adult is free to say no to all that. Your cousin could have grabbed whatever (legit) opportunities came and made her own way. Spite and petty thievery are such a waste of energy. Good luck, OP. I hope you change the locks and shake off this parasite.