Phone for 11 year old - how to manage usage and safety

[ThisIsSylviaDaisyPouncer]

My daughter starts a new school in September and I need to get her a phone so she can contact us when she is travelling to and from the school (five minutes walk). This is mandatory and has been confirmed to me by her teacher. I have some concerns but I accept I’m being over protective - what did you do to manage phone use?

My worries are

1. It’s an expensive device and it might get broken or worse, snatched (this is common where I live). So I will ban her from using it on the street, she may or may not follow this rule but she will understand the rationale
2. She will spend too long on the phone / look at inappropriate content - I’m going to get her the cheapest iPhone and throughly investigate family settings to restrict this as much as I possibly can. Also insist she gives me her phone at night time

Anything else I can do? I had hoped to put this day off for longer but her friends do mainly have devices now and the school rules on it are black and white.

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MNHQ

Schools cannot dictate a phone is mandatory- that's absurd. Literally ridiculous.

I would go with the brick phone for as long as possible. I hate to say it but a social worker I worked with scared the hell out of me when she said only get your child a smartphone when you are comfortable with them viewing porn. I know that sounds extreme but in her experience it was undoubtedly true.
All the parental controls in the world doesn't stop an unsolicited video or picture being received. Also kids are far more savvy and know how to circumvent a lot of blocks, oftening unblocking things for innocent reasons like downloading a game or peer pressure to do so. She has seen it countless times. Often children stumble upon it unwillingly so even if you think your child would have no interest in finding it, often it finds them.
I'm not at that stage yet with my DC and I already dread the day we feel the pressure of a smartphone so I don't envy you.

I have just brought my ds an iPhone SE for the same reason you state. I want it to be as easy as possible to control his use and we all have iPhones in my family.

I tried giving him my old SE but it wasn’t long before he couldn’t use it because of the software.

We also tried before that, giving him a cheap brick Tesco phone, but he always ‘conveniently’ forgot it.

I also am very concerned about handing over £450 to my child to take to and from school in September. It makes me feel a bit sick.

I wish Apple did a phone for tweens.

Dd (also starting yr7 in Sep) has my old iPhone. In preparation for walking to school in September I park away from her primary school and she walks to meet me. I am able to follow her on the find my phone function if needed.

Because I've put her iPhone and iPad on my family apple account I am able to set limits on her devices. She has to request permission from me to download an app, and I've put time limits on some apps. Currently her phone comes on at 2.50 and turns off at 7.30, she gets an hour of minecraft to use daily. It may seem 'tight' but she was given more freedom with it initially and wasn't able to control her use so we've tightened its use. For now it's working and as she matures we'll give back some freedoms on it.

My DD has a smartphone, but it's a relatively cheap one. We use the Family Link app - it allows us to set time limits for usage, so she can only be on her phone between certain times of the day and only for a certain amount of time. She can't install an app without us approving it first, and we can block apps we don't want her using. I'm sure there's probably an Apple equivalent if you're an iPhone family.

@Cherryana

I have just brought my ds an iPhone SE for the same reason you state. I want it to be as easy as possible to control his use and we all have iPhones in my family.

I tried giving him my old SE but it wasn’t long before he couldn’t use it because of the software.

We also tried before that, giving him a cheap brick Tesco phone, but he always ‘conveniently’ forgot it.

I also am very concerned about handing over £450 to my child to take to and from school in September. It makes me feel a bit sick.

I wish Apple did a phone for tweens.

Gosh really? My iPhone 7 is still fine and has the latest iOS. They cost under £100. I'd say that was perfect for a 'tween'.

A reconditioned iPhone is a good call. They're very robust and a decent bit of kit. It won't get stolen as all the kids have phones! They do often get used in school and because of Covid a lot gets done via online platforms.
Personally I think it's better to teach your kids how to safely navigate the internet and keep themselves safe.
My rules - no all class WhatsApp groups, only give your number to actual friends, no insta until you're old enough, no phones in bedrooms at night, I have to know your passcode and you don't get to change it, I'll respect your privacy but reserve the right to check your phone at any time. The checking is useful- I've never done it, but DD also knows this means other people can't hassle her easily. She's on an iPhone signed into DH's account which means we could easily see her messages (she knows this) now she's old enough for Instagram she uses that, which we can't see, but I trust her judgement to take care of herself. Recent events have confirmed to me that her judgement is sound on this point.
She hasn't got it right every time but she's been pretty good at looking after her phone and regulating her use and keeping safe.

TBH we have been lucky but I never enforced things too much.

Our rule was if we ask for your phone you hand it over with the passcode, immediately. Any thing other than that and the phone is removed. Same for any inappropriate content.

We only had to do it once, but explained calmly and rationally why we were doing it as we removed every item that was WiFi accessible.

Kids are extremely smart at covering their tracks and I genuinely think the only way to catch them out is to swoop at unexpected moments and carry through any punishment you threatened.

buy her a cheap nokia from amazon.. they're about £16 and all the do is phone/text and have snake :)

I did that, along with a £6 goodybag gifgaff sim, and told DD if she can get through yr7 without losing it, getting it confiscated, or using up all her credit constantly, i'll get her a better phone.

We have this app: www.qustodio.com installed on our kids phones. We can restrict/time limit any app, block different types of websites, see search activity and monitor location from our phones. It's very easy to use and set up, highly recommended

I'd advise against a basic no internet phone after the compass & map apps etc turned out to be a godsend a few times when in year 7 DD missed her stop a few times due to arsey impatient bus drivers. She was hysterical & had no clue where she was, but we were able to find her & direct her to school with her using her compass app for direction. It was never anything other than an asset for my DD

Ah so many posts, will need to come back and respond properly. Thanks so much all. Just to explain one point - the school mandate phones, but only for those children who are not picked up from school. If I pick up / drop off my daughter personally, I don’t need to give her a phone. I would like to encourage some limited independence on her part though particularly as it is a short and relatively safe walk.

Smartphones are actually really useful in school (if school allows them, which this one clearly does). The camera function is useful for taking a photo of the board (or for actually taking photos of things as part of the lesson in Art); they often use Apps within lessons (e.g. maths "games"), it's handy to look things up; the calculator is useful if you've forgotten yours and you can pick up school emails/email teachers.

IME children who don't have one at a school that makes use of them are likely be disadvantaged.

That's before we even get started on the social side - there will inevitably be a class chat group set up when they start Year 7, which your DC will at some point abandon as they get fed up of it, but it's useful for making plans while they get used to the school, make new friends etc.

My DC has brick phones before smartphones just to get used to the idea of having a phone, but they got them in Year 5 when they started going to school on their own as a communication mechanism. Too late for OP's DC now (but hopefully a useful suggestion for others).

The school can't do that. They have no jurisdiction.

Cross posted with your update. That's bonkers! The norm at secondary school should be not being picked up. Although a phone is useful in case plans change (e.g. your DC decides to stay at an after school club and wants to let you know they'll be home late), it's a bit much for the school to insist upon it (and how would they know anyway?). Many schools have gone the other way and banned phones for Year 7s and 8s (at least).

Are you in the UK? School can't insist on a phone

DS has an old iPhone of ours for now, and is getting a new one for his birthday next month for secondary school. He's always been absolutely fine with it, we've had chats about not being part of group chats that include anyone being mean etc. He barely uses it and always forgets to charge it.

However I know (as I work in a secondary school) that this will change come September and he will become obsessed with his phone. So I'm planning on enforcing a few rules but not too many, as I want him to be able to regulate himself. Mainly phone out into the hallway for charging at bedtimes, and no snapchat.

As we're an Apple family I wanted him to have a decent iPhone so I can track him if need be, and he can use Apple Pay when he's out and about.

I bought £100 smartphones for mine when they started secondary. They are androids and mine is iPhone. I have the Family Link app which controls their time on it, locks it at 7pm, requires approval to download anything and has a tracker so I can see where they are. They don’t have social media but do use WhatsApp (rarely). The cheapest iPhone is still about £400!

How do school propose monitoring these mandatory smart phones exactly? I don’t actually understand how that can be true.