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Original poster

Should DS go to school on no sleep?

80 replies

33feethighandrising · 28/06/2021 06:48

DS (age 12) has just woken me up to get ready for school and has said he hasn't slept all night.

He's autistic and often has trouble sleeping, but I strongly suspect he's been on his phone all night.

He says he wants to go to school and it's not the first time.

But, surely he shouldn't go to school if he's been up all night?

(I'm not sure I believe him he's done it before. I think I'd have heard about it as he likes to talk about how little he sleeps).

I'm going to have to go back to taking his phone off him as he obviously can't be trusted to have the phone in his room and I do understand what a temptation it is, plus we've been to the doctor about it) but I'm not really asking for help with that - just, would you send him in today?

I don't believe him he's been up all night before btw as I can't think of a morning when I didn't have to get him out if bed at 7:30.

OP posts:

Nonmaquillee · 28/06/2021 08:28

I know it’s not the point of the thread but why does he have his phone in his bedroom at night??!

Frymetothemoon · 28/06/2021 08:30

Actions have consequences. He should go to school

diamondpony80 · 28/06/2021 08:45

I have the wi fi set to switch off at a certain time in the evening. DS doesn't have much interest in his phone if he doesn't have the internet so just goes to bed. It's not that hard to do - I found instructions online.

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roguetomato · 28/06/2021 09:18

@covidcloser, my ds hasn't got diagnosis, but referred at 2 year check up to community paed. Though it was inconclusive, but he has many traits and I'm 100% certain he's on spectrum.
He is a bad sleeper too, never went to bed early even as a toddler, up on his bed until really late. I won't let him have the phone in his room at night. He isn't allowed to read books past 12. Even if he can't sleep, lights off and he learned to rest at least.

NekoShiro · 28/06/2021 09:46

I did this all the time during secondary school, he'll be fine. Hell even eventually learn that doing it nonstop sucks and he'll have a crash point, mine was 3pm after staying up all night.

user64325 · 28/06/2021 09:49

Oh god, send him in. How will he learn it's not a good idea otherwise? I have a 14 year old with ASD/ADHD who has done this a couple of times. You absolutely must put something in place so his phone cuts off by a certain time, his executive function struggles will mean he can't learn to do this by himself. I use Qustodio on my daughter's devices, everything shuts off at 11pm, and her bedtime is 10pm.

OneOfThemNights · 28/06/2021 09:51

Of Course he does. Otherwise it becomes a habit.

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 09:59

[quote roguetomato]@covidcloser, my ds hasn't got diagnosis, but referred at 2 year check up to community paed. Though it was inconclusive, but he has many traits and I'm 100% certain he's on spectrum.
He is a bad sleeper too, never went to bed early even as a toddler, up on his bed until really late. I won't let him have the phone in his room at night. He isn't allowed to read books past 12. Even if he can't sleep, lights off and he learned to rest at least.[/quote]

I'm not sure why you have tagged me here. I don't have not suggested anyone let their child stay up on their phone all night?

I have simony commented that you cannot 'teach' the sleep issue out of an autistic person.

We struggled for many years with DS and like you we have rules in place - no tech after a certain time, it all got taken into my room so no sneaking about in the night. Wi-Fi switched off (I still do this by habit when I go to bed even now) and absolutely lights off. I minimised every possible thing that would 'help' DS stay awake and was very strict and every time I heard him moving about I would get up and encourage him back to bed. He took melatonin for many years.

Please don't assume that because I stand up for autistic people on threads like this that I didn't/don't parent my own - I just hate the misunderstanding from NT people who think they can teach us out of our autism.

roguetomato · 28/06/2021 10:08

I tagged you because you quoted my comment, covidcloser. And like you say, I hate the misunderstanding from people assuming I have no experience of this. Every child is different, just because it didn't work for your dc, it might work for others. And I never even implied that you don't parent your own. Where did that even came from?

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 10:18

@roguetomato

Oh, the lesson will be learnt comment?

Sorry I didn't pick up that was you.

My entire point stands though. You cannot teach an autistic person out of their autism.

You are correct you did not make assumptions about my parenting it just read to me that you thought I was saying it was fine to be on phone all night. I realise that isn't the case but I felt it fine to clarify

Original poster

33feethighandrising · 28/06/2021 10:22

I sent him in. Mainly as I want him to be able to sleep tonight and if he sleeps today, it'll be harder for him to get back on track.

I'm in touch with the school and apparently he almost fell asleep in registration and got sent outside to get some air. I've said I'm happy for them to send him home if they think he's not coping so we'll see...

OP posts:

Original poster

33feethighandrising · 28/06/2021 10:23

Thanks for all the advice, and especially from those who understand that parenting SEN DC often isn't exactly straightforward!

It really helped to be able to talk it over.

OP posts:

Original poster

33feethighandrising · 28/06/2021 10:24

@MinesAPintOfTea

If he drinks coke I’d let him have that before school to perk him up though

Sugar, wish I'd seen this before he left! There's a Sprite he could have had. Poor child, he's going to be shattered!

OP posts:

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 10:26

@roguetomato

Every child is different, just because it didn't work for your dc, it might work for others.

I actually feel I need to come back for this. It's not about children being different. It's about autism. Autistic behaviours/traits/whatever terminology you choose, cannot be 'taught' out of an autistic person.

OP chose to send her child in, that's fine. I would have kept mine off, also fine. It's vital that people realise though that sending a child into school will not 'teach' them to go to sleep at night.

seepingweeping · 28/06/2021 10:35

My son has autism and we don't send him to school on little or no sleep.

Original poster

33feethighandrising · 28/06/2021 10:39

OP chose to send her child in, that's fine. I would have kept mine off, also fine. It's vital that people realise though that sending a child into school will not 'teach' them to go to sleep at night.

Yes, I'm under no illusions that sending him in will teach it not to do it again! My main reason was to help him sleep at night, tonight. And because he was up for going.

It was reassuring to hear from parents of SEN DC who wouldn't, even though I did in the end. It helped me remember to trust my instincts as mother to my SEN child, not think about what's usual (i.e. what do with a NT DC).

OP posts:

singsingbluesilver · 28/06/2021 10:41

It will be fun for the school having to deal with the fallout from him having no slepp. It happens all the time - not saying it's the OPs fault here but lots of parents allowing kids to stay up gaming all night then just send them off to school without having to put up with the poor behaviour and total inability to concentrate themselves. Gee thanks.

Batsy · 28/06/2021 10:42

mom to an autistic 14yo here.. also a frequent non sleeper.. he's invariably awake from 3am... :/ usually gets about 3-4 hours good sleep a night, if that.

unless he is obviously absolutely shattered, i send him in, usually with a quick note/phonecall explaining he's not slept, is tired.. and if they think he needs to come home, to call me, and i'll fetch him.

Original poster

33feethighandrising · 28/06/2021 10:46

Yes, I'm under no illusions that sending him in will teach it not to do it again

Jeez! Annoying autocorrect from my phone, I am aware my child is a boy and not a thing, honest!!!

OP posts:

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 10:48

@33feethighandrising

Yes, I'm under no illusions that sending him in will teach it not to do it again

Jeez! Annoying autocorrect from my phone, I am aware my child is a boy and not a thing, honest!!!

Totally understand. It's hard to know what to do for the best. I hope he gets through the day and manages some sleep tonight!

roguetomato · 28/06/2021 10:53

I think my comment was very insensitive, I apologise. I didn't mean to offend anyone.
And I also didn't mean that they can learn to change the way they are, I am under no illusion with that either.

Jelly0naplate · 28/06/2021 12:51

action and consequence - he stays up all night on his phone - he's tired the next day.
He's not ill - off to school he goes!

MinesAPintOfTea · 28/06/2021 17:20

What I (as an adult who sleeps poorly) was suggesting was that as he gets to adulthood he needs to learn coping strategies for the days when he has had little/no sleep the night before. Not as a punishment, just an acknowledgement that it is hard to remain employed if unable to attend work on a regular basis.

Original poster

33feethighandrising · 28/06/2021 17:27

He went to school, and made it until lunch (which is really late in his school timetable).

He called me at lunch and said he was struggling and getting in trouble because his teachers though he was pretending to be tired.

So, I spoke to the school welfare people and they agreed it's best to send him home, so he missed the last lesson. (Art, which, this year, has a curriculum which is boring and uninspiring, sadly, so he's not missed much).

I don't blame his teachers for not believing him, btw, because when DS wants to communicate he's in pain, or tired or whatever, he really hams it up! I've tried to explain to him several times that he doesn't need to do this, and in fact it works against him as people think he's putting it on, when in fact he really is in pain / tired / whatever. But he won't admit he's doing it!

OP posts:

autumnboys · 28/06/2021 17:44

Glad that the school worked with you. Good luck keeping him awake until a reasonable hour this evening!

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