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Original poster

How much would you expect to see of your 20yo DS's girlfriend?

30 replies

Backhills · 27/06/2021 14:56

AFAIK they've been together about 2 months, although he didn't tell me until very recently.

They've had a weekend away and he seems to know her parents. They both live at home, she's younger.

He drives, she doesn't and she lives about 5 miles away in a "nicer" town, so he'll drive there and they'll go out there or spend time at her house.

I've only met her once for a few minutes when they popped in on their way elsewhere. She seems nice, much more confident and outgoing than him, but they were nice and lively together. It was lovely to see a bit of life in him TBH and I'm thrilled that he's actually living a bit after the year our young people have had.

I am a bit sad that I don't see my little boy from one week to the next though. He's either working or with her. I get that, as I said I'm pleased for him and I understand it has to happen, but why always at her house?!

I know there's nothing to do about it, I'm just getting it off my chest

It's a bit more poignant because DH, his dad is dying. I've tried not to rely too much in DCs to help with his care but it's getting harder and I can't move him on my own now and with DS1 never here, it means all the care is falling to me and DS2.

I understand why DS1 would prefer not to be here, but I do worry that he'll regret not having spent more time with his dad later.

OP posts:

Hen2018 · 27/06/2021 14:58

My 20 year old son lives with his girlfriend. I’ve not met her yet.

HollowTalk · 27/06/2021 14:59

I'm so sorry about your husband. I can see why your son wants a bit of fun but it's very unfair of him not to spend more time at home given the circumstances.

Would you mind if his gf stayed over at your house sometimes?

Hen2018 · 27/06/2021 15:00

Pressed send too soon. Does your DS1 realise the difficulties you are having? Could you “book him in” to come for tea and the rest of the evening once or twice a week?

Sorry to hear about your DH.

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Ivymundane · 27/06/2021 15:00

It’s a lot to put on young adults to help care for their parents, I wouldn’t want to do it. Can you not get paid care in?

He would still probably be off anyway, it’s always better being at someone else’s home than your own if you live with parents.

Boood · 27/06/2021 15:02

I think you should talk to him about spending more time with his dad while he can. A (more or less) teenage relationship shouldn’t take priority over that. But I wouldn’t make a big deal about whether or not the girlfriend is there as well. It’s probably actually healthier for your son if he can escape the horribly sad family situation when he’s with her, and get a break.

Mrsjayy · 27/06/2021 15:02

Your husband is dying im so very sorry I think you should say something to your son he might be struggling with his dad's situation but invite them over see what son says,don't leave it.

Original poster

Backhills · 27/06/2021 15:04

We have paid care 4 times a day, the main need for help from a DS is in the evenings, after the last visit.

TBF to DS1 he works shifts so of the evenings he's missing, he's only "out" about half, the rest he's working. When he's at home during the day though, he's asleep.

OP posts:

BlueSurfer · 27/06/2021 15:05

I’m sorry about your DH. I would guess either your DS is distancing himself from the realities and staying away or else he is oblivious and not aware of the reality. Have a chat with him about the fact this could be his only time with his dad but after that, it’s up to him to make his decisions. It could be disassociation is his way of dealing with things rather than being self absorbed.

Original poster

Backhills · 27/06/2021 15:06

I have made it clear they're both welcome here. I've also told DS1 I'm concerned he'll regret not spending more time with his dad. It think both "boys" are probably in denial about their dad's situation and/or are hiding from the whole thing. DS2, althoughhere more and helping with care, isn't actually spending a lot of time with his dad either.

OP posts:

blahblahblah321 · 27/06/2021 15:07

@BlueSurfer

I wonder this too, maybe he's finding it too tough to think about his Dad dying soon so is hiding away from the reality. Doesn't help you though, does it? I'm so sorry

Stoolpigeon21 · 27/06/2021 15:08

I imagine he is always at her house because he is avoiding the difficult situation at home - he can probably “forget” about what’s happening when he is elsewhere.Some people are really good at compartmentalising things. I would also be worried that he will regret not spending more time with his DF. Can you talk him about this?

Original poster

Backhills · 27/06/2021 15:09

I suspect that the fact his room is an absolute tip might have something to do with his reluctance to bring her here too

OP posts:

WetWeekends · 27/06/2021 15:10

I think your right that he may well regret not spending more time with his Dad. I’ve got a close family member who lost a parent at 18 and they’d been ill for nearly 5 years. They definitely regret that they spent less time with them than their sibling did. I think I would gently suggest he should have a think about the fact that time is very precious.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/06/2021 15:12

These are separate issues, OP. I'm very sorry to hear about your DH.

Your DS has been with his new girlfriend a matter of weeks. I think you've done well that she's even popped in and he's introduced her, to be honest. I wouldn't expect to see anything much of DC that age, particularly once they have a gf. They are generally out with friends. It's normal to not want to be with your parents, and I agree that he's probably wanting to escape the reality of life at home. It's probably easier to bury his head in the sound about his DF if he's out having a good time. Also, as you say, they have a lot of making up to do after the last year or so.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/06/2021 15:12

sand - not sound.

Crappyfridays7 · 27/06/2021 15:19

That’s what 20 year old boys do, with the situation at home he’s perhaps struggling with it. I have a 20 year old and that’s what he’s doing, at girlfriends, at work or at gym and out with friends I rarely see him but he’s happy and he does his own thing, his room is also a tip so girlfriend doesn’t visit often.

I am so sorry about your dh, it must be really hard coping with that all on your own, I’m not sure my boys would be keen on helping either but it’s awful that it’s all falling to you and you need their support. Hard to know what to say, I’d be gentle with them but I hope you can sort things out and your boys can spend time with their dad and support each other and you whilst going through the hardest time in their lives, I can’t imagine how you must feel but I hope you have friends/family you can talk to.

riotlady · 27/06/2021 15:28

Has your DH been ill for a long time?

My best friend’s dad was ill for several years before he died, and there were a good few occasions where it looked like it was the end, he went into a hospice, everyone got ready to say goodbye and then he pulled through. Obviously she was grateful to have more time with her dad but I think it was very very hard on her psychologically to have to stay in that “this could be the last moment you get with him, make the most of it” phase for an extended period.

Original poster

Backhills · 27/06/2021 15:31

Not that long no. We learned his cancer was terminal in Feb. He was in hospital with no visitors Jan-March. We're expecting weeks rather than months now, but obviously no one knows for sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Backhills · 27/06/2021 15:35

I do understand the need to escape though. I've been MNetting in another room all day when I could have sat with him (he's sleeping).

I also understand the frustration of not knowing when. You almost don't know what to wish for.

OP posts:

RainbowANDThunder · 27/06/2021 15:35

I would try get a later help of an evening / night

I would not get the boys to help,
It is very hard and its the last thing they will remember of him

Although adults, they are his children

The situation is awful for all of you

Original poster

Backhills · 27/06/2021 15:40

Care agencies don't seem to work after about 8/9pm.

We could apply for a night sitter, but they don't come double handed so wouldn't do personal care and he doesn't really need that, he's settled during the night.

Basically "the system" deems it reasonable that if he soils himself after 9pm, he waits until morning. "Unless you want him to go into a home".

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 27/06/2021 15:47

Some of it will be as straightforward as her not driving as well as any other reason though - he has to go there either way, so it’s extra hassle to then bring her to yours.

spotcheck · 27/06/2021 15:49

Two things...
Yes, have a chat with him about spending time with his dad.

Boys at that age are tricky. I think they often do gravitate to their girlfriends house.
I've found they need specific invitations. Dinner/ movie night/ shopping trips. I appreciate it may be tough in your current situation.

I'm so sorry about your husband

blahblahblah321 · 27/06/2021 15:50

@Backhills

I suspect that the fact his room is an absolute tip might have something to do with his reluctance to bring her here too

Ha quite possibly!

ElderMillennial · 27/06/2021 15:54

The question in your heading seems to be different to the OP

You are asking about how much time he spends with his GF not his much time you see her

I think it's natural fit him to want to do that but obviously difficult given your husband is ill. Maybe he just doesn't know how to handle it?

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