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Original poster

Do you parents moan to you about your siblings?

53 replies

Twixxed · 27/06/2021 00:00

Just that really!

Do your parents talk negatively to you about your siblings? Or if you have adult children, do you moan about them to each other?

My parents spend a lot of time complaining about/bitching about my sibling to me and it always feels a bit weird... Is this normal?
(It's petty annoyances, questioning the sibling's decisions, etc. Sibling hasn't done anything bad to my parents.)

OP posts:
Radio4ordie · 27/06/2021 00:01

Sometimes, not loads. I probably moan significantly more Blush

Cherrysoup · 27/06/2021 00:01

Human nature, isn’t it? My brother never phones mother, it’s always his wife. She moans like hell about the hopelessness of the kids and says I’d do a better job. This makes me roll my eyes.

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 27/06/2021 00:02

Nope.

So they must complain to my brother about me then Grin

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rainbowninja · 27/06/2021 00:07

It's happened occasionally and makes me uncomfortable, I wish I had the confidence to say so. I try to avoid those conversations, not least because it makes me wonder what they say about me 😬

babyinthacorner · 27/06/2021 00:10

In my family, no.
In my husband’s, yes.
He thinks we’re abnormal!

Original poster
Twixxed · 27/06/2021 00:12

@rainbowninja

It's happened occasionally and makes me uncomfortable, I wish I had the confidence to say so. I try to avoid those conversations, not least because it makes me wonder what they say about me 😬
I'm the same - I dread to think what they're saying behind my back Blush
OP posts:
EvilEdna1 · 27/06/2021 00:12

My mum used to. She did it for years and it started when my sister who is 3 years older left home. She criticised her a lot and also told me things my sister and said about me. Oddly enough my sister and I did not get on well . There was always a tension there which my mum said was because she was jealous of me . Then our mum died we were early 30s. My sister was great, really stepped up and helped with my dad who also died young and weirdly overnight all the tension fell away. We are now very close. After my DH she is the most important person to me (after my kids obviously). We have talked about our childhood and my mum's actions are inexpiable to us both. Turns out mum lied about things my sister had said. I loved my mum very much and she had a horrible childhood which I think is at the root of the issue but there remains a mystery about her and her motivations. I hope my kids are friends as adults. They seem to really really enjoy annoying each other as teenagers though.

cauliflowerkorma · 27/06/2021 00:13

My mum never complains about my bro to me. Suspect she does complain about me to him-over small things as oppose to about me fundamentally.

However my ex h and his family would always crucify each other the moment one of them stepped out of the room or wasn't at a dinner or something. It was brutal. But totally normal for them-no topic off limits. They all adored each other but have the odd screaming row and make up five mins later.

TrevorWithTheWeather · 27/06/2021 00:19

Every. Single. Day.
Seriously.
He's just a pain in the arse though, grumpy and always right. He abs my dad don't exactly see eye to eye, and dad is adamant he's always on something. I let it go over my head now!

Original poster
Twixxed · 27/06/2021 08:44

@EvilEdna1

My mum used to. She did it for years and it started when my sister who is 3 years older left home. She criticised her a lot and also told me things my sister and said about me. Oddly enough my sister and I did not get on well . There was always a tension there which my mum said was because she was jealous of me . Then our mum died we were early 30s. My sister was great, really stepped up and helped with my dad who also died young and weirdly overnight all the tension fell away. We are now very close. After my DH she is the most important person to me (after my kids obviously). We have talked about our childhood and my mum's actions are inexpiable to us both. Turns out mum lied about things my sister had said. I loved my mum very much and she had a horrible childhood which I think is at the root of the issue but there remains a mystery about her and her motivations. I hope my kids are friends as adults. They seem to really really enjoy annoying each other as teenagers though.
I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. I'm glad you and your sister are close now though.
OP posts:
MyFloorIsLava · 27/06/2021 08:46

Our mother does the opposite. Criticises us (often pretty harshly) to our faces while singing the praises of the other.

Original poster
Twixxed · 27/06/2021 08:47

Hmmm so a mixed bag! I think I mostly find it unsettling because it makes me a bit suspicious of what they might say about me when I'm not around...

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 27/06/2021 08:47

I do moan a bit about my kids to each other. Only really about how I hardly hear from them and how I wish they’d take their crap out of my house !
My dad moans to me about my brothers but, to be fair, he has a point. They can’t be bothered with him and just want his money when he’s dead.

Monkeyrock · 27/06/2021 08:51

My mother is similar to @EvilEdna1’s, and it’s one of the many reasons we’re NC with her now. Manipulative and jealous, she never liked it when we siblings were close so she’d sow seeds of trouble, bad-mouthing us to each other then denying it and saying we were the problem, she loves us all equally, then as soon as one adult child left the room she’d start in on their parenting, their job, their appearance. I’ve just accepted I’ll never have a relationship with my siblings until she’s dead.

Hothammock · 27/06/2021 08:53

My parents don't talk to me about my siblings. However I was at my sisters house and overheard my dad Calling her and saying horrid things about me! It was totally uncalled for and I have no idea what prompted it. I noticed my sister didn't defend me either. I assume this is what they do.

mog27 · 27/06/2021 09:10

Yes my narc mother's favourite game is to visit one of us and run the other one down and try to play us off against each other. We were never close when we were teenagers because we fell for her tricks but now we are older we've both gone NC with her because she started to try the same thing with our kids because she wasn't getting the reaction from us and we decided enough was enough because our kids are close and we wanted them to stay that way.

Youdiditanyway · 27/06/2021 09:44

I have a younger brother who I’m not particularly close to, in part because he was only 10 when I left home and there’s a fairly big age gap. My mum mostly complains to me about his weight. He quit playing football about 3 years ago and his weight has spiralled ever since, he’s about 20 stone and 6 ft 2 so he’s big. Mum says he will eat the meal she cooks then go up to his room and order a take away, he does this most nights. She’s tried to encourage him to take up football again or at least go walking but he refuses and drives everywhere including to the corner shop. His long term GF is the same and has gained a lot since she quit dancing a few years ago so they’re both sitting eating endless junk food together, getting fat together.

Feel bad for him whenever my Mum tries to gossip about him to me and it just makes me wonder what she’s saying about me!

Laceandflowers383 · 27/06/2021 09:44

Yes, my brothers a bit of a twat and my mum does offload to me which I generally don't mind but he takes advantage of them massively for childcare (they do a 90 min round trip up to 4 times a week and stay for up to 10 hours some days). Its clearly too much for my parents but my brother and his wife seem to think they're doing them a favour by keeping them busy during their retirement. This irritates me because I'm not allowed to say anything to him and I wouldn't want to upset my mum so I keep quiet but it does upset me especially as it then stops me asking my parents for childcare as I don't want to put more on them when I know they're struggling.

TheLeadbetterLife · 27/06/2021 09:51

No, my mother keeps her counsel between us. She’s good like that. She absolutely bananas in a lot of ways, but she doesn’t “call” us to each other.

OP, I think it would be realistic to assume that your mother says the same sorts of things about you to your siblings. Ask yourself whether it matters ultimately.

When my mother goes off on a rant about vaccines or whatever, I put her on with the cats and wait for it to blow over.

MyFloorIsLava · 27/06/2021 09:55

@DinosaurDiana

I do moan a bit about my kids to each other. Only really about how I hardly hear from them and how I wish they’d take their crap out of my house ! My dad moans to me about my brothers but, to be fair, he has a point. They can’t be bothered with him and just want his money when he’s dead.
Stop doing that. You're putting them in a shitty position. If you have an issue with one of them raise it with the one you have an issue with instead of putting their sibling in the middle.
bananaboats · 27/06/2021 10:11

No but my sibling is very much the golden child so I doubt they ever say anything negative about him!

IdblowJonSnow · 27/06/2021 10:15

@EvilEdna1

That's classic narcissist behaviour - putting a wedge between you so you wouldn't be as close with each other as either of you were to her.

Lovely to hear you're now close.

My mum has done this with me and my siblings. I see through it but it's all just too complex/difficult to bear so have backed away from all of them.

Smartiepants79 · 27/06/2021 10:19

With my mum it’s more about off loading worries about the other sibling that she can’t say to them.
So, my sister’s DH recently made a poor decision in his career that meant that he hasn’t had a stable job for several years. He is working and they’re ok but it worries my mum for their family and their future. She couldn’t say those things to my sister as it would come across as negative about my lovely BiL. So she says it to me instead!!
I know she loves us both utterly but is aware of our flaws and doesn’t always agree with our choices. This is what she might discuss with the other one!

crimsonlake · 27/06/2021 10:26

My dm has always been like this, when I used to live at home I used to dread leaving the room as I knew she would be talking about me. She was the same with each of us.
I know when I visit she will be talking about me to my sister's when I have left. She does not like the fact that any of my opinions might differ with her, I call it having a conversation. Tbh these days it is no longer a conversation, but one long monologue which is a major issue in itself. As there is distance between us I can live with being talked about.

cakewitch · 27/06/2021 10:33

All the time. But we all talk to eachother about it now we are all a bit closer, so he gets called out on his behaviour.

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