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Original poster

Do you parents moan to you about your siblings?

53 replies

Twixxed · 27/06/2021 00:00

Just that really!

Do your parents talk negatively to you about your siblings? Or if you have adult children, do you moan about them to each other?

My parents spend a lot of time complaining about/bitching about my sibling to me and it always feels a bit weird... Is this normal?
(It's petty annoyances, questioning the sibling's decisions, etc. Sibling hasn't done anything bad to my parents.)

OP posts:

Iggly · 27/06/2021 10:36

My mum did but I barely speak to her now. I could compare notes with my brother and we soon realised she was talking shit.

My DH’s parents do it and I find that a bit sad to be honest. If they want to moan, then speak to the sibling in question FFS.

Imcatmum · 27/06/2021 10:39

Absolutely not. It would take a lot for my parents to say anything negative about either of us to the other. The most they'd say if they disagreed with something one of us was doing would be 'its her choice', and if they were very very worried, would tentatively as if we were ok and sure. Then they'd step back off the topic.

I have great parents. The 100% only want what's best for me and my sister.

SongsForSwingingLovers · 27/06/2021 10:43

My mother tends to do this, with a twist. My sibling is the golden child in her eyes, so when sibling does something awful she explains it away by blaming sibling’s spouse.

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Families

Kinsters · 27/06/2021 10:44

Nope, never a bad word to say about any of my siblings. I'm sure between themselves they do though as they do it about all other family members (my grandparents, aunts, cousins etc).

PeterPickledPepper · 27/06/2021 10:47

No.
It's not healthy behaviour.

Trinacham · 27/06/2021 10:47

@Smartiepants79

With my mum it’s more about off loading worries about the other sibling that she can’t say to them. So, my sister’s DH recently made a poor decision in his career that meant that he hasn’t had a stable job for several years. He is working and they’re ok but it worries my mum for their family and their future. She couldn’t say those things to my sister as it would come across as negative about my lovely BiL. So she says it to me instead!! I know she loves us both utterly but is aware of our flaws and doesn’t always agree with our choices. This is what she might discuss with the other one!

This - 'With my mum it’s more about off loading worries about the other sibling that she can’t say to them.'

This is like my mum too. There are 3 of us and now all in our 30s so this is a rare occurance these days as we're all settled, but this is more where it comes from - from being concerned and needing to offload. I'm the youngest so she probably does it more about me! but it's never bitching or moaning.

Iggly · 27/06/2021 10:49

With my mum it’s more about off loading worries about the other sibling that she can’t say to them

Then she should find a friend and offload to them instead

Trinacham · 27/06/2021 19:12

@Iggly

With my mum it’s more about off loading worries about the other sibling that she can’t say to them

Then she should find a friend and offload to them instead

Umm actually I'm more thinking of worries as in 'I'm worried she doesn't want to take the vaccine' or 'I'm worried he (in-law) doesn't treat her right' sort of worries. I did say not bitching or moaning, if you cared to read properly - or were you quoting this from the other user??.

Funny how you choose to pick this behaviour out and not the other mothers who clearly have issues on here! Very strange.

Smartiepants79 · 27/06/2021 19:32

@Iggly but we are her ‘friends’. I’m
Sure she says some of these things to friends outside the family too.
I do not in anyway consider it to be a negative. I’m happy for her offload her worries about me to my sister and I’m sure my sister thinks likewise. As siblings, we offload to each other about our mum!
We are a close family, no negativity or rivalry.
That’s just my take on it.
Others clearly have a different experience.

saraclara · 27/06/2021 19:41

My mum does this. And I have his back every time. I'm the lucky one who lives nearly two hours away, and he's the one who has to put up with her and do stuff for her at that she can live independently with carers rather than in a care home. She slags him and his wife off terribly, and I get really angry with her when she does.

Trinacham · 27/06/2021 19:42

@Smartiepants79 yep, I have a close relationship with my mum, and to my siblings, as it sounds like you do as well. There is nothing negative about that. My mum doesn't tell sensitive family matters to her friends, as some of it is too personal. Clearly other users do not have such a close relationship to their mothers and siblings!

Iggly · 27/06/2021 21:46

?
Funny how you choose to pick this behaviour out and not the other mothers who clearly have issues on here! Very strange

How so?

I don’t think it’s nice, having experienced it myself, for parents to offload about their children to their other children.

I can there’s a fine line between bitching and worrying - but sometimes the “worrying” is really just a moan and the parent in question should really raise those concerns with the child they’re worrying about IMO 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 27/06/2021 21:51

My mother used to make critical remarks about me to my sister, who would then dutifully pass them on to me. Happened for years. My mother doesn't criticise my sister to me though.

megletthesecond · 27/06/2021 21:52

Never.
I assume I'm moaned about though.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/06/2021 21:54

No. My DM constantly tells me how wonderful my siblings are and how much they do for her. (They don't).

I'm the one she's very critical of.

Gertie75 · 27/06/2021 22:01

All the time, tbh he is still a pain in the arse at 50, she talks about everyone though, she walks the dog every day to the park and is nice as pie to everyone there then talks about them behind their backs, I know she does it about me too because I've heard her on the phone to her sister and friend.

Trinacham · 27/06/2021 22:07

@Iggly hmm I guess it can vary massively in what is being spoken about. Maybe you're thinking of way more serious things than I was imagining. My family are very open about feelings to one another and we all share our thoughts and worries often. Every family is different.

Winnithegreat · 27/06/2021 22:14

Quite a lot - but also about his wife (my SIL) and how she (not my brother of course) raises their dcs wrong...it’s very unpleasant and she’s constantly comparing their dcs to our dcs. My brother and I are not close and I contribute her comparing and gossiping to that. I also don’t tell her much as I think she will judge and gossip about it to them or other family members.

megletthesecond · 27/06/2021 22:17

I read the question wrong. They probably moan about me but I've never heard a peep about my sibling.

Just10moreminutesplease · 27/06/2021 22:21

No... but only because we always take each other’s side when they try (that’s what you get for raising your daughters to stick up for one another ).

BiarritzCrackers · 27/06/2021 22:27

Yes, it was part of what led to us all strictly limiting contact. Things like when my sister was really struggling with her newborn, my mother would try to bitch about her parenting to me. Things my sister would confide in her, would be used against her. It was really quite schadenfreude-y, and I just didn't want to listen to it, and would end phone calls with my mother if she started down these roads.

I didn't want her to know stuff me, as my struggles would become material in return, so we spoke less and less. It was all very distressing.

StillCalmX · 27/06/2021 22:29

My parents sit around talking about how awful I am with my brother. He buys in to it. My mother has really hurt me, they both have and that made them .. not sorry but ANGRY.

ivgotbills · 27/06/2021 22:40

YES
But then they do it about us all to each other then at a family gathering we make a holy show and make them squirm over what they say- as we tell each other straight away. They still never learn the lesson though!!!!

Sarahlou63 · 27/06/2021 22:43

Yeah - the first thing my mother said to my (now) partner of 12 years was "my son is a shit". Then she cut me out of her will. Ah well!

goddessofmischief · 27/06/2021 22:44

DM does. It took years for me to click that she was doing the same to me behind my back and was pitting us against each other. I don't participate and try to knock any comments back with a positive point about sibling. DM also does this reporting back to any partner she has. She always has to be the victim. I hate it. I figure that she must be extremely unhappy in herself to always criticise and judge those closest to her. It says a lot about her as a person. She's cutting her tiny circle smaller and smaller as she ages. I do sometimes wonder who she'll have left in the end.

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