Neighbour/friend overbearing

[Sunny4876]

I have a neighbour who used to be friends with my mum when she lived in this street,(I lived with mum for 18 months with my children too)she would pop in maybe once a day for cuppa.
4 years after my mum moved I moved in opposite neighbour and have been here 4 years . I suffer very badly with MH so have been off work for a long time.The issue is that ever since the neighbour is popping in 3 times a day or expecting me to go there and watch programmes with her(she's retired and widowed) if I don't go over once kids are in school she's phoning to see where I am or comes over,she's very opinionated and acts like my mum would.
She doesn't like it if anyone disagrees with her etc.
Don't get me wrong,she has a heart of gold in some respects and have bought me and the children some things she thinks we need but it just makes me feel more beholden to her,its not as if I have have a gentle word and ask her to back off because she will take great offence.
It's got to the point where when the kids go to school I'm hiding in bed some days all day just to get away from her.Im afraid I'm going to lose it soon and tell her to do one which will make living close awful,I don't want to have to move as this is the best place we've ever lived but I'm starting to think we'll have too,or awfully I'm hoping something happens and she dies just so we have peace.
After mum moved from street,

From now on, no more hiding in bed.
For the sake of your mental health you need to be out and about much, much more. You will also be able to avoid at least some her demands then down to simple timing.
I would suggest you start to set some gentle boundaries, "lets do tea on Wednesday morning Vera, I'm so busy at the moment...I'll get some cake in"....
then later "No Vera, Wednesday is best for me...."
then later, "I'm looking forward to Wednesday though....I'm too busy right now...."

Unfortunately she is not interested in what works for you at all, this is ALL about her.

You will have to start saying NO thanks but I am busy, need space, need quiet, need privacy.

You will have to say that every day is too much and you need time to yourself while the children are in school.

Agree to coffee once a week if you want to but then insist on privacy.

She sounds like a selfish menace and whilst you don't want to fall out, you will if she doesn't allow you pruvacy and space in your home.

You are not obligated to be her daily companion....fxxk that.

If she knocks don't answer the door.

If she messages say you're busy/reading/doing housework/having some chill time?

All good suggestions but it's hard to explain how determined she Is.For a start she just walks in the house,if I lock the door she knocks on the window or phones me to see where I am,if I say I'm going for a walk she comes to and walks so slow it's of no benefit.
I used to go food shopping with her but had to stop because she kept hitting bollards,very close calls with other cars and it was setting off my panic attacks so I said I couldn't go anymore as didn't feel comfortable in cars ( didn't want to say specifically her as didn't want to be horrible) she still took great offence and still has little digs a year later.

Also,I've recently rehomed an older kitten and all I've heard is how silly it was,I already have one cat,it's because it's taking up my time,if she's here and the kids try to talk to me she gets really huffy and goes on about how they never let adults talk etc etc.
I'm going to loss the plot honestly.

She doesn't sound that nice tbh. Having digs at you and saying things about your kids. Have you really got a lot to lose if you are very blunt and keep the door locked/ignore her? Put yourself first and start enjoying your life. This situation is ridiculous and you can't let her feelings be more important than your own.

Time for you to be busy working on your CV, doing studies to get a job etc.

Be firm 'No today doesn't work for me, I have deadlines to meet'

Woman up. Don't worry about offending her - she's certainly not worried about you.
She comes over and knocks on the window or calls, give her a cheery wave and say you are busy but could see her X day. You don't have to say what you are busy doing, but if it makes you feel more comfortable say you have picked up some work from home stuff and need to get on with it. If she asks what, just say 'boring admin stuff'. Repeat. If she comes when kids are home tell her you are busy with the kids! Keep smiling, but politely tell her it's not convenient. And repeat. She may huff and puff but so what? You are not her daughter and she is driving you crazy.

so why is trying to spare her feelings, to the extent that you must hide in your bed all day, more important that your life.
life is brief. this is your life, to make the best of it.
you don't have to sacrifice your time, which is your life, to this woman's demands.
your life has as much value as anyone's.

I know it's hard and you don't want to offend but you need to be strong here otherwise you will just blow up at her.

You need to re establish boundaries and keep the door locked. Make a plan for coffee one day in the week and stick to it. You are busy and just haven't got time etc

I agree with other posters OP. You shouldn't be tip toeing around this woman at the expense of your own mental health. She's selfish and intrusive and being firm with her is the only way prevent her from making demands on your time. Its never easy to confront someone, but you don't really have another option here. You can't keep locking your door and hiding in your bed to avoid her!

Right keep the door locked when your in and don’t want her just walking in, who cares if she gets huffy and knocks or phones you? You can crack the window and explain your busy or just want time to yourself. I know it’s hard but your going to have to get a back-bone and say something to her. Start of polite obviously but some people really need it spelling out to them. I have a neighbour who doesn’t want to be on her own or seem to need alone time (so it doesn’t occur to her that other people do!) so I had to set boundaries early on and stick to them. Like previous posters said just say ‘no I’m sorry I will pop round Wednesday morning for a coffee but I’m busy now’ and keep repeating versions of this consistently until it sinks in.
If she makes digs now then you might as well put your foot down and set boundaries as she’s going to make digs regardless! Otherwise your unhappy with the arrangement and she will still be making digs anyway!

What‘s the worst that would happen if you don‘t meet her anymore?

Thank you all,will try to be assertive,I am a walkover.
She has one son who lives 2 doors away but she leaves him alone.

You don’t owe her anything. If she is contributing to your mental health worsening then I would cut contact completely rather than go through the stress of trying to minimise contact. What do you gain by knowing her? It’s not your job to be her company at her demand. You have no responsibility to having a relationship with her. I do think you would benefit from being out and about more for your own mental well-being instead of hiding at home. All the best to you.

lock your doors, stand up for yourself. This will never change otherwise. As another poster said - woman up!

Can you lie and say you've got a new job working from home and aren't available anymore? Do some research into what the 'job' is and throw her some bullshit.

Tell her you've been suffering from migraines... Good excuse to shut the curtains so she can't peer in!! Maybe have a regular cake catch up set on the same day every week and make excuses for all the other days, migraines, cleaning, new job working from home... Hopefully she will get the message!!

Lock your front door as a security measure. If she can walk in so can anyone. If she knocks come to the upstairs window and just say you're up to your eyes with housework and say you'll see her in a couple of days. Don't give her a chance to respond, just close the window. If she calls you on phone don't answer. Then text a few minutes later saying you were busy but might see her in a couple of days. And then ignore any further messages. Tell her you are doing an online course or you got a job working from home - anything to make her think you have something to be doing while the kids are at school.

Ok,

She's not your friend.

She is a menace.

Fall out with her.

Block her.

She is using you.

This is NOT your mental health, this is ANYONE'S mental health.

Back away.

She is NOT your friend.

Well into my 50's here and I experienced this a few times to a lessor lesser extent.

I was brutal.

These people are utterly ruthless, make no mistake.

When THAT penny dropped for stupid me, I was brutal in my ruthlessness.

BUT I had been a total moron on a couple of occasions accommodating a couple of women. Idiot that I was🙄.

But once the scales FINALLY dropped in my early 40's I was a ninja🤣.

Learn from MY stupidity.

She is NOTHING to you.
Cut her off.
She is using you.
She is taking your peace.

She will never enhance your life, blow up NOW.

I really feel for you. It's stressful.

I felt hugely liberated.

I agree with PPs. You need to set boundaries. Stick to them. Any cracks and she'll pry them open, and the whole wall will come down! So say clearly what you mean, stick to it and don't budge.

I think it's time to ask yourself: why is it ok for her to upset you. But not ok for you to upset her?

Why are her feelings important but yours aren't?

@billy1966

Ok,

She's not your friend.

She is a menace.

Fall out with her.

Block her.

She is using you.

This is NOT your mental health, this is ANYONE'S mental health.

Back away.

She is NOT your friend.

Well into my 50's here and I experienced this a few times to a lessor lesser extent.

I was brutal.

These people are utterly ruthless, make no mistake.

When THAT penny dropped for stupid me, I was brutal in my ruthlessness.

BUT I had been a total moron on a couple of occasions accommodating a couple of women. Idiot that I was🙄.

But once the scales FINALLY dropped in my early 40's I was a ninja🤣.

Learn from MY stupidity.

She is NOTHING to you.
Cut her off.
She is using you.
She is taking your peace.

She will never enhance your life, blow up NOW.

I really feel for you. It's stressful.

I felt hugely liberated.

This, x a million. ^

What's the worse that will happen if you stand up to her? You'll fall out, which means she will leave you alone.

So lock your doors, send her calls to voicemail, ignore her texts, don't tell her if you're going out for a walk and reclaim your life.

Thank you everyone for making me see I'm not going to be horrible to her I'm going to be kind to me.
Part of my issues is very poor self esteem and confidence (about to start a cbt course focused on this with my mental health team)and I try to get out as much as I can but have social anxiety so home is my safe space,which is being invaded.
My new mantra is going to be "I'm being kind to me not horrible to her".
Thank you all for being so great

Good for you OP.

It is very normal IMO to consider your home your safe space whatever state your MH is in.

So to have some constantly calling and invading that space would be frankly horrific to most people.

I mean horrific.

She is not slightly interested in you or your wellbeing.

She is utterly focused on herself, her needs, passing her day and using you as an earhole.

The best thing would be to cut her off completely if she doesn't back away.

Nothing good ever comes from being involved with someone who's sole focus is using you and your time to pass away theirs.

Wishing you well.