Anyone else have a weird relationship with sleep? This might be triggering.

[lolingallovertheworld]

I love to sleep, but I have a very complex relationship with it. I wonder if anyone can relate?

Since early childhood, my bed has been my go-to. I used it to hide from the domestic abuse I was witnessing and I used it to hide from the threat of sibling bullying. I used sleep like a time machine, to transport me through the tough times. In the summer holidays I would sleep all day, to keep under the radar of my sibling, until my mum came home from work. I slept A LOT growing up.

When my abusive dad was gone (he would leave and come back all the time) I would sleep with my mum at night. I needed her close and my sibling would use the dark to scare me. My mum would keep a wooden spoon by the bedside and if I moved an inch, even to get comfortable, she would whack me with it. I was terrified and would lie there, dying to move, until she went to sleep. Then I'd get comfy and fall asleep.

My last relationship was abusive and he would use sleep as a tool to be cruel. He'd wait until I was asleep and come into the bedroom, turn on the lights, the TV, he'd "look for something " and slam the wardrobe and drawers shut. He did this almost every night for 13 years. When we had a baby we would come in just as I was settling baby and make noise, switch on lights etc and ruin the hours of time I'd spent getting the baby to sleep. Throughout our relationship he would refuse sex initiated by me, and later in the night I would wake to find him quietly wanking up against my back. I pretended to be asleep as I was so embarrassed and terrified.

6 years ago I was on a night out and my drink was spiked. I woke to a man doing terrible things to my unconscious body.

So although I still love sleep, I have had all these negative experiences relating to it. I have had a lot of therapy via women's aid but it's run out and I can't afford to go private. We never got around to this issue. I have such a complex bedtime routine now...I have to have a certain pillow, the room has be be a certain temp, the covers have to be a certain way. I have pillow spray, ear plugs and an eye mask. It's like a ritual.

So you see...I have this really complex relationship with sleep. I am happily married now and pregnant, and I am lying awake at night wondering how I am going to get through the long nights. Knowing that my bedtime rituals will have to go.

My husband is great he knows everything and I know he will be a very hands on father, we have spoken about how he will help so that's eased my anxiety somewhat. But I wondered if there was anyone else out there who had something similar, so that we can talk about shared experiences and I can feel less alone with it? Perhaps formulate a plan on how I can overcome my sleep issues?

Anyone?

Perhaps I have posted in the wrong topic...

Wow you've been through so very much and I'm so glad you're now with a lovely man and expecting a little one - how exciting!

I have found personally that (very) short term sleeping tablets have helped me get into a rhythm I could then maintain naturally, but that's not likely to be possible at the moment obviously as you're pregnant.

I don't have children yet so I'm not much help but I hope someone else who comes along will be

Bumping, sorry I don't have experience to help here, but you sound amazing to have come through that and be working towards a brighter future. Hats off to you. I hope someone more knowledgeable comes along soon

Thank you both so much. Yes I've worked incredibly hard to get to where I am today. Tonnes of therapy and self help. Every day I work towards healing...I hope this thread will also help.

My sleep at the moment is quite good generally...but I know this is because I have my very specific bedtime rituals. I have worked through lots of trauma and my flashbacks are practically non existent now.

What worries me is that my routine will go out the window when baby arrives...

I don’t see why you can’t still follow your routines, I guess you’ll just have to take it night by night and expect to have to be a bit flexible. Sorry for all you’ve been through, I don’t mean to sound harsh at all x

Thank you Holly, you're right about that.

I think what else is causing anxiety is being woken in the night. When this happens to me now, it really does trigger those horrendous feelings and I become disproportionately upset. I find it nigh on impossible to go back to sleep.

I don't want to become upset at my baby for waking me at night. I don't want to associate those feelings towards an innocent baby.

I'm ashamed to admit that while my first child was a toddler, every bedtime was an absolute nightmare for me. I hated it. I was so impatient and I feel maybe I was unloving too. I hate thinking about I and I worry about the new child. I just wish I was more chilled out about the whole sleep thing.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I’m so glad you’ve found a peaceful, happy life.
Can you take elements of your routine to get the same Pavlovian responses - things like the pillow spray and face mask sound nice and simple to keep going during those early stages.
And without wanting to over simplify (and please excuse me if this is what I’m doing) but perhaps the arrival of your new baby will help to set new routines and associations. Having that perfect little baby lying nearby in a cot is such a comforting feeling. And yes they will wake you, but because they need you - you are their whole world. Maybe a feeling to try to focus on?
Wishing you the very best for the arrival of your baby.

Is your issue with sleep, or with sleeping in a conventional bed at the conventional time? Can you seep in other places?
As a kid I used to sleep in a home made tent in the garden, the smell of sleeping bags and tents still give me anxiety.

i think sleep routines will probably change, but you will be able to keep bits of it, and over time you will be able to find that its safe to sleep. The young baby time isnt forever either, so even if you have a few months of upset to the routine, you can try and prioritise your sleep and thats actually something new mothers should do anyway.
Youve been through a lot x

Thank you x

In response, I am able to sleep in other places but I always bring my pillow ear plugs, eye mask and pillow spray. If I don't have them, I don't sleep.

How am I going to sleep at all with new baby and no ear plugs? I can't very well wear ear plugs can I? I need to be able to hear baby breathing...or am I being silly?

I had to Google pavlovian responses...very interesting and I will be reading up more to gain a better understanding. Thank you.

Yes I think a shift in focus is needed. The baby is relying on me and its okay to be woken because its part of their survival. I will try and focus on how beautiful being a mother is and that sleep will come, but only after baby has their needs met. I have to stop panicking about not sleeping.

Yes there are parts of the routine I can keep. Eye mask, pillow spray, special pillow. I will have to think about the temperature of the room though...I have to have the room very cold, my poor husband has taken to wearing thermals. I have special cold pillows I keep in the fridge and have under my head and at my feet. If I get too hot I absolutely go into panic mode. If my husband puts his leg over me when he's asleep I go into panic mode. Once in panic mode that's it, I don't get back to sleep.

Yes I hope baby's arrival will bring new routines and associations, because I want this to change. I don't want to be like this anymore

Could you also (very slowly) taper off any of your current coping mechanisms to see if some are more of a placebo than anything else? It may give you confidence in your ability to self regulate when it comes to sleep.

I've tried a few times to go without earplugs but these are my most "needed" sleep aid. It's the earplugs I am most concerned about really. I can't seem to sleep without them. Will lie awake for hours, unable to drop off. Put the earplugs in and BAM I'm asleep.

I know I need to try again with this

You mention that you have finished your therapy through women's aid and can't afford to go private.
There are many low cost counselling services, many of which offer long term therapy and have sliding scale of charges starting at £5 per session.
Some are back open face to face, others still only working online, which makes geography less of an issue.
Have a search for services in your area.
It is understandable to be nervous about how you will cope when the baby arrives, but even by voicing it here and with your partner you are taking valuable steps to being able to get through it.

Thank.you bumper. I have considered searching for therapy, I believe I could get it free via women's trust. To be absolutely honest, I think my reluctance comes from having to "start over" with a new therapist. Having to explain everything all over again, to gain understanding and trust...I don't know its just so daunting. I've done it 3 or 4 times now and the last time I really felt the therapy and therapist worked and I just don't see how I can get to that level again...if that makes any sense. There is so much more shit to my story, its exhausting to even think of trying to explain it to someone else again

Hoping there are others to share with, so I'm bumping x

Hi @lolingallovertheworld , sorry for not replying, and that others haven't either.
I totally understand the daunting prospect of starting the vet with a therapist, especially after working with someone you click with and gets you.
I would suggest though, that it might be helpful to get some more cbt style or more emotionally based but with focusing on the sleep thing. You don't have to tell a new therapist all about everything, just let them k ow the basics and that you've worked through that and this is the specific thing you need to work through.

Also, talk to your midwife- there should be perinatal mh support available to you, but of luck involved and provision varies by trust but there is a lot more support these days for pregnant women, pnd prevention.

It sounds like your partner is supportive, that is crucial, use his support and other friends or family if possible. by thinking consciously and talking about it, bringing the fear into the open will reduce its power.
Best of luck and strength to you OP!

My mother and my ex were very similar, using the exploding into a room, light on and shouting, etc, when I was deep asleep.

I still carry that with me in that DP cannot under any circumstances switch the light on when he comes to bed after me and usually, I still subconsciously wait for him to go to sleep before I can. He's also under strict instructions that the only time he can wake me before 5am is if the house is on fire or we're under attack from a horde of zombies and it's still only evens as to whether I'll get up in those circumstances. My safe ritual was having a cat sleep with me. Still is; if the cat comes in and starts purring, I'm asleep in seconds, if he doesn't, I'm awake until 2am.

However, when there's a baby and a caring partner to provide some support and company during the night, it can be completely different, a low key, safe and snug existence.

Instead of the ear plugs try white noise on Spotify, Alexa etc. You might find this works in a similar way. I like the sound of ocean waves but there are various options! It also works really well for babies.

Breastfeeding, if that's something you'd consider, releases prolactin and oxytocin that should (in theory) make it easier to fall asleep.

Otherwise, just a step at a time.

I have no advice I'm sorry but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug

Bumper thank you so much, I didn't think about asking for support via my midwife. I will definitely do that.

My husband showed his worth once again today. I was woken by a slammed door (next door leaving for work) this morning and I was just so angry. I couldn't get myself out of it, it lasted ages, and I was short with him and the kids. I cried all morning. I know it's hormones too but it was a classic example of my knee jerk reaction to being woken. He dealt with the situation calmly, lovingly and with patience. He managed to get me out of it. Which of course is great...but I want to be able to do it myself and not rely on others.

Anyway, hopefully my exhaustion tonight will mean I get a good nights sleep.

Once again thank you for chatting with me xx

Cross Post with with all those who posted after Bumper! Thank you so much all of you for being here with me and for your helpful replies.

Neverdrop...your post resonates with me so much. I'm sorry you also went through similar. Sounds like you have a supportive and understanding dp too. I love how you describe being in in safe and snug environment with baby and husband ❤

Will ask do if he wouldn't mind trying white noise...I do remember using it with my dc when he was a baby

Will definitely try to breastfeed, fingers crossed it does happen. But if not then I can assign some night feeds to dh!

Thanks for the hug 🤗

Hello OP, as a PP has mentioned, your midwife may be able to help you access support, also if you can explain your history to your GP, they should be able to get you on the list for a course of CBT/counselling which may help you. Your DP sounds fab, all the best for your pregnancy and the future

I totally understand your feelings OP. I didn’t suffer abuse as a child (I don’t think - although there was neglect) but I also have an odd relationship with sleep, lots of rituals etc. If one of my dcs wakes me in the night I don’t tend to go back to sleep.

Don’t judge me, but I found that when they were babies I could still wear earplugs. My dh was there and the baby slept next to my bed in a Moses basket, so when he/she cried to be fed I could still hear. I then found that I was so exhausted I would eventually go back to sleep.

You certainly don’t need to hear the baby breathing, just if they cry to be fed. And if your dh is there he can wake you if you don’t hear.

A lot of parents even ones without trauma struggle with bedtime and being patient with a child so don’t beat yourself up for feeling that way with your first child. I hope you find a way to help you get through it and feel in control