I love to sleep, but I have a very complex relationship with it. I wonder if anyone can relate?
Since early childhood, my bed has been my go-to. I used it to hide from the domestic abuse I was witnessing and I used it to hide from the threat of sibling bullying. I used sleep like a time machine, to transport me through the tough times. In the summer holidays I would sleep all day, to keep under the radar of my sibling, until my mum came home from work. I slept A LOT growing up.
When my abusive dad was gone (he would leave and come back all the time) I would sleep with my mum at night. I needed her close and my sibling would use the dark to scare me. My mum would keep a wooden spoon by the bedside and if I moved an inch, even to get comfortable, she would whack me with it. I was terrified and would lie there, dying to move, until she went to sleep. Then I'd get comfy and fall asleep.
My last relationship was abusive and he would use sleep as a tool to be cruel. He'd wait until I was asleep and come into the bedroom, turn on the lights, the TV, he'd "look for something " and slam the wardrobe and drawers shut. He did this almost every night for 13 years. When we had a baby we would come in just as I was settling baby and make noise, switch on lights etc and ruin the hours of time I'd spent getting the baby to sleep. Throughout our relationship he would refuse sex initiated by me, and later in the night I would wake to find him quietly wanking up against my back. I pretended to be asleep as I was so embarrassed and terrified.
6 years ago I was on a night out and my drink was spiked. I woke to a man doing terrible things to my unconscious body.
So although I still love sleep, I have had all these negative experiences relating to it. I have had a lot of therapy via women's aid but it's run out and I can't afford to go private. We never got around to this issue. I have such a complex bedtime routine now...I have to have a certain pillow, the room has be be a certain temp, the covers have to be a certain way. I have pillow spray, ear plugs and an eye mask. It's like a ritual.
So you see...I have this really complex relationship with sleep. I am happily married now and pregnant, and I am lying awake at night wondering how I am going to get through the long nights. Knowing that my bedtime rituals will have to go.
My husband is great he knows everything and I know he will be a very hands on father, we have spoken about how he will help so that's eased my anxiety somewhat. But I wondered if there was anyone else out there who had something similar, so that we can talk about shared experiences and I can feel less alone with it? Perhaps formulate a plan on how I can overcome my sleep issues?