If you are successfully, happily, long term married...

[Traveh]

Is it true that space and independence is key? I don’t mean not being close or spending every day together. But having own interests and separate lives in some ways?

My boss (25 years older than me) says it is what keeps the spark... just interested really, my parents or my mum has always had her own interests but they were and are quite dependant on one another. They’re very happy though.

My parents have been happily married for 43 years. They are joined at the hip and have very few separate interests.

We've been together for 14 years, living together for 13, married for 11.

It depends on the person. For us, were both really needy people and so really enjoy being together. The first lockdown where it was just us (and DC) was brilliant as we got to spend months together 24/7 with the only time apart when one of us was on the loo. We are lucky that we are both the same and enjoy being in each others company so much.

However, that would be another couple's absolute nightmare and being ontop of each other 24/7 would drive them crazy. And so quality time together but then being apart for periods of time works for them.

There's no right or wrong,just whatever works for the couple and their capability.

Is your boss male and interested in you by any chance? 😹

I'd agree though. I've been married very happily for 7 years, we both love our own space - me more than him. I couldn't do the whole co-dependency thing or having to always be glued to someone every evening

Interesting - I think it depends on the people. Me and DH are very similar and met young. We enjoy each other's company - for example we probably wouldn't watch a TV show or film on our own because we want to watch it together.
But we do have our own interests too. As we have young kids it's good for both of us to spend time together as it means we are sharing the childcare!

Married 46 years so far. We have things we do together, and our own interests. I've never analysed how much time we spend together; it works for us.

That does sound like the kind of thing a bloke who was having an affair would say...

I think it’s important to be on the same page about space and independence. IMO there’s no right or wrong (excluding absolute extremes) as long as it genuinely works for both partners. I think we’re somewhere in the middle, we like doing things together but don’t really have any mutual friends so social stuff is typically separate.

Married 30+ years. I definitely need my own space and always have, and have friends and interests that DH doesn’t share: he would be pretty happy spending more time with me, it seems. Lockdown was fine but I am glad I can follow my own interests again.

I don't live with my husband all the time...
I wouldn't say its ideal, but we definitely appreciate the time together more. And look forward to the few days twice a year the children stay with grandparents.

I like the evenings alone so I can watch my TV programmes or read my book in silence without feeling guilty. Looking at whats watched on our Prime account, he also enjoys his TV freedom.

I’ve been married 23 years. He works from home and I don’t work at the moment so we are together a lot. He used to travel with work quite a lot to far flung and not so far flung place which he loved and so did I. I’m not much of a traveler so he got to go to places I wouldn’t want to and we both got a break from each other. Funnily enough we get on worst when we had time apart, I get annoyed that he takes over and he is tired and ratty and has to take us into consideration again.
But on the whole we do most things together and get on pretty well. I’m fairly sure he loves me and he is the best person I know.

It’s different for everyone surely? We’re all just winging it & hoping our partners don’t fuck their “close aide”.

Horses for course and I don’t think there’s more to it than what suits individual couples.

My husband and I tend to be joined at the hip. It works for us but I often worry that I’ll end up too reliant on him as we get older. But he’s lovely and I enjoy his company and want to be in it as much as possible.

It works for us but I don’t think it means we’re closer or less closer than other couples. It’s just not we operate.

True of my parents op. My parents have been happily married 53 years, they are close but accept each others differences and have separate interests eg my mum has always gone away with friends for walking holidays, cultural type city breaks, my dad is more of a stay at home type. Honestly, I have never seen them fall out.

If you are, then you are not in the government.

@Toddlerteaplease

My parents have been happily married for 43 years. They are joined at the hip and have very few separate interests.

Mine are the same.

I think it depends on the couple.

My grandparents were married for 50 years and had other interests and friends that they saw independently (perhaps unusual for their time) but my own parents have no outside interests, joint friends only, entirely dependent on each other in that way but they seem as happy as ever and have been together over 30 years.

I think me and my own DH are more on the independent interests and friends side of things.

I've been with my DW for 31 years, we have always lived in the same house and never been apart for more than a few weeks but we are completely different in many ways. I am a lark, she is an owl, I am super tidy and organised, she is messier and more last minute. We don't have many shared interests either. Works for us, our relationship is pretty solid.

Nah. It's about wanting the same things and being able to talk about what you want and need.

DH and I have our own interests and enjoy spending time together. I personally don't understand couples who are joined at the hip. Similarly, some people don't understand that I enjoy going out without DH and that I "let" him go out by himself

I think that what matters, is that you marry a person similar or sympathetic to your own personality. I guess DH and I could be called co-dependent, but our relationship has worked very well for us, for 29 years so far.

For me, yes. DH and I have v different interests and do a lot separately. It's such a thrill to see him after he's been away (or I have). Mind you I did enjoy the pandemic lockdown closeness (mostly).

Married nearly 50years. We have some joint and separate interests. Also own friendship groups as well as joint couple friends. Bicker a bit but generally no biggie arguments. Had ups and downs over the years two lovely children and several grandchildren. i now have some health issues hopefully temporary, my husband has took this in his stride and been lovely.

We've been together for 35 years. For us it works that we have separate interests as well as joint hobbies. We have our own friends and joint friends too. It's a nice mix of independence and coupledom!

Personally I think its to do with engulfment vs abandonment.
If you fear being engulfed by someone else's 'neediness' then you'll want space.
If you fear being abandoned you'll want to be doing stuff together a lot of the time.

Obviously there's nuance and i think you are best off marrying someone who is more like you in this aspect.

We've been together 18 years and do 90% of things together.
My parents have been together almost 50 years and have always done most things together.
I don't think there is a 'right' way of doing things. People are complex, it's whatever works for the couple

My parents have been married for 55 years; they have joint interests and friends but separate ones too.

My poor dad has found the last year tough when my mum's gym has been closed on and off; he's not used to her being home and under his feet every morning