If you are successfully, happily, long term married...

[Traveh]

Is it true that space and independence is key? I don’t mean not being close or spending every day together. But having own interests and separate lives in some ways?

My boss (25 years older than me) says it is what keeps the spark... just interested really, my parents or my mum has always had her own interests but they were and are quite dependant on one another. They’re very happy though.

Married 31 years here and we have totally different hobbies...his are very sporty, mine musical. He'd love for me to join him in a kayak but no thanks
We aren't very social though and most evenings are just spent chilling together . We are content together or apart, though I think I need more 'own space' than he does.
Works for us :)

In my experience it's the key ...for men. It means they get to fuck off and enjoy their hobbies while the wives pick up the slack with the kids. I'd be interested to know if his wife gets to enjoy an equal amount of space and independence!

I agree that it is a matter of horses for courses. I very much need time and a life independent of DH and he likes to have his life too. Lockdown has been very hard for me as he is wfh home all the bloody time. However we are happy for nearly 20 years now and I live him dearly.
My parents are very happy and together 60 odd years and they both have independent lives and the family/travel/ their home tends to be the bond in common.
My PIL are do the food shopping and everything together type of people. No friendships or relationships outside their one with each other. I find it incredibly odd and would find it suffocating. What i find strange though is that are both on their second marriage and while are very suited and happy I can't understand how they are both putting all their eggs into just one basket again (presumably they were like that in previous marriage)
Also, I guess time will only tell but those of you who are together all the time what is your plan for when one of you dies and the other is left totally and utterly alone? When every second of every day will have a gap where your loved one was? I know whichever of my parents goes first the other will at least have some space (committee/ charity etc) that the other person wasn't so at least those places and people will be a tiny bit less painful. I consider friendships vital as I would hate to rely on one person for my everything.

Oh god it’s having separate and individual interests for us.
We were individuals with our own interests when we met, so I saw absolutely no reason to Chuck them away so we could be together constantly.

Married over 20 years here, his interests bore me rigid, not my thing at all, same for dh & my interests.

No, no way, if forced to even pretend to enjoy his stuff would drive me to divorce.

It definitely works for us . Married 13 years together for 27 . We have so many independent interests. Neither of us has ever wanted joint financial stuff we each value our independence a lot . We enjoy being together as we fundamentally have the same values but only for so long . The key to our relationship is that it's completely non possessive. We adore each other .

I do not live with my partner of 30 years. Absolutely key for both of us !

Married thirty years, together longer. Different things work for different people, unsurprisingly. What is important is good communication, honesty, respect and a willingness to compromise sometimes.
My husband would prefer more ‘just us’ whilst I like greater variety and more social contact. We meet in the middle.

Has to be both. I love spending time with DP but as @imaginethemdragons says upthread, we were individuals with hobbies, interests and passions when we met, with no intention of changing that just because we got together. I’m sporty and sociable and love reading, he’s artistic and quiet and loves watching films. We both love watching comedy, cooking and walking. Plenty of things to do together, plenty to enjoy alone.

Married 26 years, both of us had previous short marriages at young ages, I feel like we made our mistakes with the first marriages and are joined at the hip now and don't like being apart at all.

Only 7 years here but happier now than my wedding day and bloody love my husband. We have our own interests and I make a point of cultivating independent relationships outside of my marriage. We are both fairly introverted and it's how we've always been together. Some of my favourite pre-kid days were when we would just hang at home together, doing our own thing but just being near each other/having the other around.

Married 30+ years ... we live very separate lives, in fact I wish we actually enjoyed doing some things together or just had one or two mutual friends ... but we don't - we also prefer holidaying separately and don't share a bedroom... in fact I'm not really sure why we stay married .

My DPs have been married 60+ years, both had individual hobbies, interests and friendships but they did enjoy doing things together and had lots of mutual friends.

Also, I guess time will only tell but those of you who are together all the time what is your plan for when one of you dies and the other is left totally and utterly alone? When every second of every day will have a gap where your loved one was?

That’s interesting, @BasicMadeira, because I had a similar thought but from the opposite POV.

My parents always had very independent interests. They’ve been married 60 years and would always muddle away nicely, spending most evenings together but quite separate during the day.

Since they’ve grown older now and aren’t as physically capable of doing what they used to in terms of work, hobbies, friendships etc, they’ve been utterly miserable. It’s like old age has forced them to spend a lot of time together and they’ve realised that they don’t actually like each other all that much, but that was masked by not having to be together all that much.

Sadly, I think the survivor will be quietly relieved when the other goes first, so they can get some space and peace to themselves.

Both of us have friends & interests that the other doesn't share. We both do stuff without the other.

It ensures we both keep our own identity iyswim & means we have plenty to talk about when we are together. DP isn't from the uk and really enjoys evenings with his few mates here from his country. He says being able to speak his first language with them is so relaxing.

I don't think one person can meet all your emotional & intellectual needs & that friendships & interests outside the marriage are important.

My late PILs were married for over 50 years.
They worked from home, running a business together. They had almost no separate interests, and all their friends were joint ones. They raised 5 DC together and adored each other. FIL’s dying words were “I love you”, to MIL.
Every couple is different. Some need space and feel stifled being together too much. Others are totally enmeshed soulmates.
There is no single recipe for happiness and longevity in marriage- you just need to make the right choice of partner for your own particular needs.

Thanks for that POV @OffRampHilton yes, I can see how that would be equally unpleasant. I guess old age throws many challenges at us wherever we are are coming from.
@Rosieredapples glad that things have worked out better the second time. As long as people are happy it's no skin off my nose so this is just very interesting to hear the other side.
A PP mentioned values aligning which is vital and someone else mentioned spending time together but doing separate things. I also enjoy that.