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Original poster

Ex new partner does not want my children to stay longer than weekend visits!!!

77 replies

Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 12:29

To cut a long story short. My Ex and i separated 2 years ago and he started a relationship after 6mths of us separating after 20 years of marriage.
He moved in with her within months and then moved 2 hours away to where she used to live as she didn't want to live away from her family.
Which left me to deal with what was going on and to care for my sons whilst going through the most difficult time in my life...( I was almost at a point of a nervous breakdown)

They have only recently started having my sons (16 and 19 )for weekend visits
. All has gone really well and both enjoyed going.

My Ex has arranged via my sons that they would stay with him for loner periods of time (eg All of the summer hols ) and had even sought out a collage for my 16 year old to go to and applied for a space, Filled his head with all sort's of promises etc

My eldest son does not want to live with them permanently so was going to stay a few months at a time and find agency work while there.
All this was arranged behind my back..
Now I have had his partner message me and she had no idea that this was going on either and has said how disappointed she is that this has happened and is slowly realizing how my Ex is.
She has said she does not know if this is something she wants or if this can actually work having my son's coming to stay with them loner than a weekend.
What the hell does she want me to say to that!!
They had there own time together for 6mths or so. posting on facebook how wonderful life is.. Despite destroying my life and putting myself and my sons life through hell with all the lies and dacite. No kids no stress and now the reality has hit her and him that he actually has kids and a responsibility as a father to be a father.
It looks like its all going to pot again because of his lies..

I just do not know what to say!!!!

OP posts:

chocolateorangeinhaler · 25/06/2021 14:21

Why on earth is she messaging you. What does she expect you to do? Say to your sons they can't stay so you become the wicked witch?

As tempting as it is I'd stay well out of it. The eldest son is an adult, it's up to him and his father to organize. If stepmom doesn't like the reality of life with a man with kids well it's tough really. She's made her bed. Time to bloody lay in it.

Original poster

Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 14:23

@VettiyaIruken
I am happy for them to do as they please. I want them to be happy,

Its all the arranging and let downs which is the most annoy thing of all of this because I have to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:

Original poster

Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 14:24

@chocolateorangeinhaler

:-)

OP posts:

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Relationship problems

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 25/06/2021 14:25

But they have to learn that their dad is unreliable.

All you can do is be the stable home. You can’t make their dad something he’s not.

All you can do is pick them up, dust them off and hope they learn from it.

TigerTulip · 25/06/2021 14:25

You don't have to do anything here. You aren't going anywhere are you. The boys could continue to live with you as they have been. You aren't changing anything. Your home remains as it always has.
Just don't bother replying. You don't need to get into 'mother to mother' convos with her. What can she do - complain to your ex? And your reply that you did not wish to involve yourself is perfectly reasonable and sufficient.
To adapt a MN staple - not your bathroom, not your fart.

Ladylokidoki · 25/06/2021 14:31

So, she need to speak to her partner.

This isn't really anything you need to get involved in.
.
Your ex can the decide how to proceed. All you can do is support your sins if he let them down.

But this is between you sons, their dad and the dad partner.

6 months after a marriage break up, isn't an usual time for someone to start dating.

And if your dh was interested in her before he left, he left before getting involved with her. That's the right thing to do.

Your issues are with your ex. Not her

whynotwhatknot · 25/06/2021 14:37

Tell her to speak to him nothing to do with you

Tbh though one is an adult not much you can do anyway-you dc will learn hes a liar

Garraty47 · 25/06/2021 14:41

I'd completely stay out of it, the kids are almost adults. Let them decide what they want to do and discuss it with their Dad.

Presumably he moved into her house? Perhaps he should rent a home of his own.

Lweji · 25/06/2021 15:29

Either reply nothing - it is fine -, or tell her that you do not know what to say (or do, for that matter). Not your problem.

The boys are old enough to arrange things with their father, and check with you, without you having to deal with him (which is great).

Just be there for them, should they need.
She... not so much.

pollypersephone · 25/06/2021 15:45

Meh. You need to disengage. Tell her to take it up with her partner, it's her domestic arrangement. Don't be dragged into it. A lot of men move on very quickly in a matter of weeks. It's really not a huge shock. Support your sons but realise you have no power to influence their father. The more you engage with this nonsense the worse it will be for all of you. Don't take the bait!

HugeAckmansWife · 25/06/2021 15:46

For the current problem, whether or not she was the ow (which she may have been from subsequent posts) does not matter. Absolutely the only thing you can do here is either ignore or just refer her back to the ex, possibly adding that it's the first you've heard of it.

Cattitudes · 25/06/2021 15:54

I would say that you know no more than she does and it is between your ex, the sons and her, but that they know that they always have a home with you. Make it clear that it is none of your doing and none of your business.

Farwest · 25/06/2021 16:06

Talk to your sons!!

That is the only relationship that matters.

I can't tell if you feel hurt or betrayed by your sons' actions - planning to move out to Dad without mentioning it with you. You want to foster a relationship where they talk to you and don't feel fearful of upsetting you.

Seriously, block and ignore her. Show your sons her message. Have an open and frank discussion with them about what everyone feels and hopes for. How you want them to be happy. You'll support whichever decision they take. You will be there if (when) Dad lets them down.

BlueSurfer · 25/06/2021 16:15

I’d just reply and say “his behaviour is the reason our marriage ended and I’m not prepared to beg involved in what he does or doesn’t do.”

FlorrieLindley · 25/06/2021 16:45

Just stay out and let the three of them sort it out between them. Don't give yourself unnecessary grief. A wise person once said to me when I was worrying about a nearly-similar situation: "Don't let other people's problems become your problems." This is HER problem, not yours.

C8H10N4O2 · 25/06/2021 16:46

She needs to sort out her relationship issues with her DP not you.

If you accept the view that at 16/19 they need to sort out their own relationship with their father then they are old enough to be informed in their decision making. At the least the fact that you only found out second hand when they thought it was agreed between you is not on. I wouldn't make a big meal of it but don't conceal his lies to protect them if they are going to make key decisions themselves/

Polkadots2021 · 25/06/2021 16:51

@Farwest

Talk to your sons!!

That is the only relationship that matters.

Really fab advice!

crimsonlake · 25/06/2021 16:58

Apart form anything else I am surprised your son's are so keen to go for weekends or longer extended stays. Surely they want to spend weekends with their mates?

EL8888 · 25/06/2021 17:04

I wouldn’t get involved

As an aside l wouldn’t want house guests all the time -family or not family. But l have the sense to not date men with children, as l feel like this. She knew he had children and l bet their was some overlap with your relationship with your ex

AintPageantMaterial · 25/06/2021 17:11

I agree with PPs - what’s in it for you if you get involved? Whoever the bad guy was in this situation right now, it’s not you. But if you get involved, that could change. As long as your sons know that you love them and that they have a safe and welcoming home with you, there’s nothing else you need to do. Let them all fall out with each other while you get on with your life.
The best revenge is living well.

Embracelife · 25/06/2021 17:14

Your dc are,16 snd 19
This is between them and their dad.
(And dad to his dp)

Nothing to do with you.
Say thanks for the info. Dc will speak to their dad. I don't have any say in these arrangements

FayCarew · 25/06/2021 17:20

Just don't reply.

She probably is the OW

Graphista · 25/06/2021 17:24

Sounds like your ex is trying to please everyone without actually communicating with anyone and not taking into consideration people's needs and wants...

I take it he was similarly twattish when you were married?

It's shit and you will end up cleaning up his mess unfortunately.

Ensure your sons keep communicating with you and explain to them that before relying on such plans they need to establish if dads new partner agrees to them let alone even knows!

I'd be pissed off in her shoes too - but at him!

What a knob!

Bounce it back to him, that is who she needs to speak to.

Branleuse · 25/06/2021 17:26

tell her its probably best if she discusses that with her boyfriend as mother to mother, your concern here starts and ends with whats best for your sons, sorry that cant be of any more help

toocold54 · 25/06/2021 17:40

“You reap what you sow” and block.

He was already broken up with OP for 6 months before they got together so she’s not at fault here.
I would just tell her that that is between him and her and you don’t want to get involved.

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