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Original poster

Ex new partner does not want my children to stay longer than weekend visits!!!

77 replies

Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 12:29

To cut a long story short. My Ex and i separated 2 years ago and he started a relationship after 6mths of us separating after 20 years of marriage.
He moved in with her within months and then moved 2 hours away to where she used to live as she didn't want to live away from her family.
Which left me to deal with what was going on and to care for my sons whilst going through the most difficult time in my life...( I was almost at a point of a nervous breakdown)

They have only recently started having my sons (16 and 19 )for weekend visits
. All has gone really well and both enjoyed going.

My Ex has arranged via my sons that they would stay with him for loner periods of time (eg All of the summer hols ) and had even sought out a collage for my 16 year old to go to and applied for a space, Filled his head with all sort's of promises etc

My eldest son does not want to live with them permanently so was going to stay a few months at a time and find agency work while there.
All this was arranged behind my back..
Now I have had his partner message me and she had no idea that this was going on either and has said how disappointed she is that this has happened and is slowly realizing how my Ex is.
She has said she does not know if this is something she wants or if this can actually work having my son's coming to stay with them loner than a weekend.
What the hell does she want me to say to that!!
They had there own time together for 6mths or so. posting on facebook how wonderful life is.. Despite destroying my life and putting myself and my sons life through hell with all the lies and dacite. No kids no stress and now the reality has hit her and him that he actually has kids and a responsibility as a father to be a father.
It looks like its all going to pot again because of his lies..

I just do not know what to say!!!!

OP posts:
YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 25/06/2021 13:32

Not your problem.

But ‘karma’ isn’t relevant - she was and is perfectly entitled to have a relationship with a man who’s already left his wife.

Original poster
Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 13:34

@HollowTalk
No she knew about them all along and there was always an excuse as to why they couldn't stay over.
And I would say it was all on his end as he wanted to cover up all the hurt he caused and wouldn't want her to have heard it all from them.

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 25/06/2021 13:36

You’re separated two years and your kids are big teens. You need to disengage.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
DifficultBloodyWoman · 25/06/2021 13:38

You have options. The first is to ignore and block but other than that:

  • you should take this up with Ex

Actually, that is the only sensible response if you do choose to respond. At their ages, you need to stay out of the plans they make with their father.

TheWeeDonkey · 25/06/2021 13:40

It sounds like a very stressful situation for you which isn't helped by the fact you seem to be the only one without your head in the clouds.

When it all comes down to it this is between the four of them, don't get involved. Its fairly basic that if you don't want to deal with a partners kids, don't shack up with someone with kids. That's her problem not yours.

As to your son's relationships with their father, they're almost adults so I don't think there's much you can do about it. I do think there's an element of the grass is greener on the other side going on, so all you can do is keep your door open for them for when they find out what kind of a man their father is.

Soontobe60 · 25/06/2021 13:41

@Oakleaf40

Karma. Comes to mind.

Her message was Mother to Mother...what do I think!!
Maybe she should have thought about all of this when she started seeing my Ex husband so soon after a marriage break up..

My sons thought he had spoken to me to arrange this but low and behold I had no idea.
Just unbelievable.

Your sent na are old enough to have discussed this with you themselves, in fact one of them is an actual adult! It sounds from what you’re said that this woman wasn’t responsible for the ending of your marriage so why are you having a dig at her? It’s your ex who’s to blame.
Original poster
Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 13:43

@DianeCherry
Yes she has children, All grown and moved out. I do not want to get involved neither do I need to here how My Ex treats her because I had years of the same treatment.

OP posts:
Nightbear · 25/06/2021 13:44

I wouldn’t respond at all. I would think that it’s karma.

NoSquirrels · 25/06/2021 13:48

Why does she even have your number?

Just say “Sorry to hear that - probably best to discuss with Ex. It’s not really any of my business.”

Then ignore further. Because it really isn’t any of your business, your teens are old enough to discuss this with their father, and you don’t need to discuss anything with her.

Original poster
Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 13:49

@Soontobe60
Do you think this is a fair situation? Would you react to this ok? And she was involved in ending my marriage, she knew we were struggling but carried on being a good "Friend" to him. Say no more!!

Yes My Ex is to blame but he is a complete Liar and a master manipulator,

He told my sons we had spoken about it.

OP posts:
DianeCherry · 25/06/2021 13:50

[quote Oakleaf40]@DianeCherry
Yes she has children, All grown and moved out. I do not want to get involved neither do I need to here how My Ex treats her because I had years of the same treatment.[/quote]
Leave them to it and get on with enjoying your life without your ex!

Floralnomad · 25/06/2021 13:53

This is none of your business , it is between your ex and the children who are plenty old enough to be deciding where they want to live . Tell the new woman it’s none of your business and tell your children to sort it out with their dad . You seem surprised that your ex moved on and indeed in with someone so quickly , it’s really not surprising as men who separate after being married for a long time don’t want to live on their own .

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 25/06/2021 13:53

[quote Oakleaf40]@Soontobe60
Do you think this is a fair situation? Would you react to this ok? And she was involved in ending my marriage, she knew we were struggling but carried on being a good "Friend" to him. Say no more!!

Yes My Ex is to blame but he is a complete Liar and a master manipulator,

He told my sons we had spoken about it.[/quote]
Of course it’s fair.

You said it started 6 months after you split. Even if it was an affair, it’s two years later and she’s not the one being an arse - your ex is. Focus on yourself and let them get on with it.

And tell your boys that they need to sort stuff - plans etc - with their dad directly and don’t involve you.

Life is much calmer that way believe me

steakandcheeseplease · 25/06/2021 13:57

OP from experience, I'd just tell her to discuss it with your ex and don't engage.

She's not your ally, she's not your mate, your not team. Don't become part of some one else drama.

steakandcheeseplease · 25/06/2021 13:58

@Floralnomad

This is none of your business , it is between your ex and the children who are plenty old enough to be deciding where they want to live . Tell the new woman it’s none of your business and tell your children to sort it out with their dad . You seem surprised that your ex moved on and indeed in with someone so quickly , it’s really not surprising as men who separate after being married for a long time don’t want to live on their own .
Yeah because their little egos can't can't cope.
starfishmummy · 25/06/2021 13:59

I'd hhs say that yiur ex has arranged to have his children to stay and to take it up with him

VettiyaIruken · 25/06/2021 14:11

You said you had been separated for 6 months before she started seeing him. Was she his friend before you separated or did she only meet him afterwards?

Original poster
Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 14:13

@VettiyaIruken "Friend" Before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oakleaf40 · 25/06/2021 14:16

@Floralnomad
6 mths after a 20 year marriage. ...Of course it would be a surprise !!

OP posts:
Kobayashi21 · 25/06/2021 14:16

he actually has kids and a responsibility as a father to be a father

But they are 16 and 19, it's not like they are toddlers. What he does with them is between him and them, it doesn't really have anything to do with her, or even you, OP.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 25/06/2021 14:18

No it’s not a surprise once you’ve separated. Many many men move on very quickly.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 25/06/2021 14:19

Message the ex.
Hi i think you and gf need a chat about the boys staying.She messaged me and as they're adults now I don't need or want to be involved in these arrangements.

VettiyaIruken · 25/06/2021 14:19

[quote Oakleaf40]@VettiyaIruken "Friend" Before.[/quote]
Ah. Yes. The supportive 'friend' and the decent waiting time before the 'new' relationship is declared.

You should tell her you are happy for your children to decide for themselves at their age and will respect their decision.

MargosKaftan · 25/06/2021 14:20

OK first of all, you and your exH had already split up 6 months before - had you thought it wasn't serious and you'd get back together if he hadn't started seeing her? You need to shift your thinking - if he wanted to get back together with you he wouldn't have started dating her.

Shes not in any way responsible for your divorce. Whatever the reason was you split up 6 months before is the reason, and you need to face you have blamed her when really its not her fault.

Its also not her fault he was a shit dad in the early days. If he cared about seeing your sons, her refusing to have them over would have ended their relationship.

But back to this message- I wouldn't respond to her at all. Forward it to your exh and add "hi [exh], [new woman] has sent me this message. Im not going to respond as I think this is something you need to sort out together."

Reallyreallyborednow · 25/06/2021 14:21

They are 16 and 19. It is entirely up to them and their dad. They are all nearly adults.

Disengage, say the kids/ex have sorted it, nothing to do with me. And leave it at that.

All you need to do is provide a shoulder and home if it does all go pear shaped for the kids.

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