Orthorexia, obsession with clean eating, extremely strict diet and timetable - has anyone recovered, truly?

[Scaredycatmoo]

I suffered from anorexia and was extremely underweight in my late teen and twenties.

I improved, got my periods back, and had children but always very aware of what I ate and always underweight but definitely improved.

Over last five years, the situation has plummeted. The difference is that I do eat but I am obsessed with clean eating.

Now… I eat two meals a day. I don’t eat junk food in any form whatsoever, I avoid at all costs. I am extremely strict. I eat two very full meals a day but almost devoid of fat.
Lunch: Vast helpings of salad, with tuna or chicken and a bowl of beetroot and fat free cottage cheese.
Dinner: three HUGE bowls of plain steamed veg along with two bowls of homemade lentil casserole.

It’s the same day in and day out. I hardly ever eat out and when I do - I scour the menu, ring the restaurant, stress about it, often cancel.

And loads of fruit (4 apples, 2 kiwis, an orange and two punnets of blueberries a day)

So very very filling and I am never ill, ever! I never ever miss one of my two meals. Ever. I don’t feel deprived because of the quantity have the energy to run 3x a week and swim 2x a week and lead a very busy work life.

But my BMI is 16.5. I am seriously underweight. Haven’t had a period in4 years (I’ve been put on hrt as risk of osteoporosis and I have other health issues.

I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want to be obsessed like this. My children are older teens and soon i will be alone (divorced) for much of the time.

I want a life but this obsession with clean eating and strict strict regiment - is stopping me from living.

Anyone the same? Any positive stories

Get help from your GP. This isn’t the place to get help.

Lots of love and I am not an expert. But if you aren’t having periods my love, can you please please seek help as you are risking osteoporosis and that’s a terrible thing to risk

Good fats are healthy. Your cells need them. You don’t need to eat junk to be recovered - you just need to eat far more and decent fats and protein so your periods restart.

As you probably know, your diet is going to lead to some really serious long term issues including the problems that go with no good fats, osteoporosis and so on, so you're not clean eating in its truest sense, but that's not the point here, I know. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and I second the poster above that a medical professional is definitely the right person to help here!

Yes I am under care
Was looking for experiences

Eating just salad and vegetables every single day is not enough, you know that. You need professional help

Sorry I should have made clear

I am under professional help

I am asking for anecdotal experiences

I don't have an experience but want to say I'm so sorry. This sounds an awful way to live. I hope you find your way back x

Thank you so much

I don't know anyone personally but I certainly know of people who have recovered from eating disorders so it can be done. I think it's something that can come back in times of stress as has happened to you this time, so you need to bear that in mind and have a support system in place for the future. It's good you feel ready to seek help and I am sure you will be successful.

I worked with a woman who came back from being tube fed due to anorexia and at deaths door to being able to work again but it took a lot of work. She now eats set things at set times, eats a far more balanced diet, eats smaller meals and has to restrict her exercise. If she goes beyond this schedule then she finds herself slipping back into starving for days and over exercising. It's almost like an agreement she has made with her self and her medical professionals. She looked great though and was back driving and owned her own house.

Thing is, I know from experience

It’s very easy to give the impression that recovered

I’m interested in finding out from those who truly regard themselves as recovered

Not to say I don’t appreciate comments, thanks

Well done for getting help OP. I had something similar between last August until March this year when I was dieting and almost grew afraid of unhealthy food (although I had lots of eggs, oily fish etc so not quite the same as you).

I started forcing myself to buy things I found tasty in the past and made myself eat them (it got easier the more I did it). I buy one particular type of fresh cookie and one particular type of sticky toffee pudding; they have short expiry dates so need eating fast, and I don't like wasting food or money.

I've gone a little underweight in the last few weeks so need to up them and other fatty foods again.

I found Tabitha Farr's books and videos on YouTube to be helpful. I'll look her up again for a boost I think.

I have her book! Brilliant
And read her blogs back to front

I think she genuinely has recovered

I put that in Cronometer out of interest. You aren't prioritising getting enough calcium and iron. Spend some time learning what a healthy diet consists of. Don't follow fads.

IF you eat what you say portion wise its not that bad- but add a glass of full fat milk some eggs and avocado for breakfast.

Batch cooking some meals isn't bad. Try to eat intuitively, someone posted a book about intuitive eating.

My mother's diet was almost exactly the same as yours for years during my childhood and still is really, massive pan of vegetables for her tea every night etc. She has the same thing for her lunches every day too but that changes every couple of years. This has been going on for 40 years now, however she is not quite as rigid as she was and can have treats on special occasions without having a meltdown which is a big improvement, eating out and holidays were limited when i was a child and I remember her crying in a restaurant when they ignored her instructions to not put butter on the vegetables! She is still very slim and her BMI is always muttered about during medical appointments but she is 80 and has better flexibility and mobility than her stout contemporaries so that's a positive. She is extremely wrinkly though!
I know she had to go on HRT to help bone density as she hadn't had periods for ages.
Her small but significant improvement came about when she finally started to follow her own interests when we all left home.

I honestly don't believe MN is the most appropriate place for you to get even anecdotal experience. You can clearly tell from the various posts on here that a large majority of posters are in denial about their own disordered eating and distorted idea of what a healthy body looks like.

I have binge eating disorder. Mine is worse when I'm anxious. I don't think it ever truly goes away. It just kind of bubbles away under the surface and comes out at difficult times. I can generally work out after a few days now something is amiss with me and then work out what the 'real' issue is that's making me binge in the first place. But it is hard and I don't think I'll ever be over it.

My sibling had anorexia as a teen. She still has orthorexia in that there are foods she won't eat (will eat potatoes but not chips, that kind of thing). It seems to ramp up at stressful times in her life like myself. We talk openly with each other about it now. It's just kind of there IYSWIM.

@Wbeezer

My mother's diet was almost exactly the same as yours for years during my childhood and still is really, massive pan of vegetables for her tea every night etc. She has the same thing for her lunches every day too but that changes every couple of years. This has been going on for 40 years now, however she is not quite as rigid as she was and can have treats on special occasions without having a meltdown which is a big improvement, eating out and holidays were limited when i was a child and I remember her crying in a restaurant when they ignored her instructions to not put butter on the vegetables! She is still very slim and her BMI is always muttered about during medical appointments but she is 80 and has better flexibility and mobility than her stout contemporaries so that's a positive. She is extremely wrinkly though! I know she had to go on HRT to help bone density as she hadn't had periods for ages. Her small but significant improvement came about when she finally started to follow her own interests when we all left home.

Thank you so much This resonates more than you can imagine.

Presumably she ate differently from you as a child? How did that feel from your perspective?
Would you ever be able to have a discussion with her about those rigid years?

"Eating disorder" is never said outloud or discussed. Sometimes one of us will make a black humour type remark about it but my mother always protests that she is much better than she was.
I actually suspect ASD/ADHD traits as three of my children have DXs and i recognise the signs now.

Sorry to hear about your mum Wbeezer. I can see how it would be so difficult to others in the house. I'm autistic which probably doesn't help me - I get very rule bound and routine based easily.

I'm annoyed at myself as I was doing well in the past month, not weighing myself, not trying to lose weight, and I have anyway. Can I ask how you found support Scaredy?

I have had an ED for more than 20 years, sometimes I have been very ill, other times better. However, I don't honestly feel I will ever be fully 'cured' and it is likely to be an issue on some level for the rest of my life.
You know that your way of eating is disordered, despite the fact that it is healthy to some extent. I would recommend counselling and exploring the reasons for your need to have so much control.
You also have to consider the long term implications of your eating disorder, now that I am nearly 50 i can see how much of a toll it has taken on my body and emotional wellbeing.
I wish you all the very best op.

Yes she did, she is a famously good cook and baker and we had home made everything every day, but she just ate her vegetables!
It all started with a classic 1970s wholefoods phase that with hindsight coincided with a stressful period of family life.

My MIL is like this
In her case it is all passed off as 'allergies' but none are diagnosed by a Dr
She eats a dairy, gluten, nut free vegan diet so as you can imagine not much is on the menu. Her favourite evening meal is a baked sweet potato with nothing else or she might be persuaded to eat some rice and steamed vegetables and that is about it. She will not try new things even if they are within the rules. Family meals she will bring her own stuff. Eating out is just not possible. She's never had a slice of a grandkids birthday cake and she brought her own Tupperware boxes to her kids weddings which I think is kind of sad.
She has been doing this since at least the 1970s.
Now aged 70 she has bad osteoporosis, has had a number of fragility fractures which have led to pain and deformity of her wrist after a poorly healed fracture and an obvious spinal curvature but I don't think she will ever change now.
It's very much not discussed and everyone accepts her 'allergies' and works round her
I am afraid her odd attitude to food has not helped her DC. She praises thinness and is very critical of any weight gain. She was fat shaming my poor SIL whilst she was pregnant with twins. I am very careful not to allow her to make any comments about my DD in that vein or to give her any 'healthy eating' advice. She is always advising cutting out eg dairy if the kids even have a cold but I nod and smile.

Not a first hand experience and I have no idea how MIL actually feels about her eating as we cannot discuss it. I feel sure that she must realise it is abnormal and impacting her health and family occasions but maybe it is normal to her after all this time and she really doesn't think it's negative.

@Scaredycatmoo my mum has added in a little bit of healthy oil and salmon once a week some nuts and her treats on special occasions are usually cheese so she gets some fat now.
It stopped being an issue when she consistently relaxed her strictness just enough for us to trust her that she wasn't going to spiral down, we stopped worrying or hoping she would eat more normally and just accepted that that was how she was.
I occasionally quieting about what would happen if she ever had to go into care, the typical food on offer in care homes would not suit her at all and she has no spare fat to burn, she would get terribly constipated too, id have to take in masses of fruit for her.
I think all her children have a heightened awareness of food tbh, even though she was very careful not to limit our diet as children (apart from anything bad for teeth between meals). I would never let myself get significantly overweight for instance, eating fattening things is never entirely casual for me, it goes on a mental balance sheet! But, i dont have scales and am also vigilant about eating disorders or obbsessional issues around food.

Thinking about it, her obsession with keeping the house clean and tidy caused more issues for us than her issues with food! I'm making her sound bad but she is also a very kind generous person, if a bit quirky, who is much loved!