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Original poster

Help me be less shallow - weight

49 replies

HelpMeBeABetterPersn · 23/06/2021 21:14

I'm going on a date in a couple of weeks with a guy who is quite overweight. I'm really slim. I really like him as a person and he has a good looking face.

I'm worried about leading him on when the chances are I might not be able to get past the weight. I know, I'm shallow as fuck. I feel awful about it. I'm worried that family and friends or even strangers would judge me.

I know, I'm a horrible person. How can I stop thinking like this?

OP posts:
5128gap · 23/06/2021 21:27

You don't need to get past anything. You will either be attracted to him, weight and all, or you won't. You have the right not to be attracted to a man for whatever reason you like. People will judge you, but that's because women are considered unkind if they find nice men unattractive.

Mymapuddlington · 23/06/2021 21:28

If you don’t find him attractive because of his weight/nose/hair/whatever that’s fine.

You shouldn’t worry what other people think though, sorry but nobody really thinks much about anyone really, life is far too short.

Wombat24 · 23/06/2021 21:31

Judge you for what exactly?

It's not a moral failing being fat. It's not catching.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 23/06/2021 21:32

You either fancy him or you don’t. It’s ok not to fancy him. It’d be shallow if you’d been married for thirty years and he put a few lbs on but for a new potential relationship? Nah. He’ll be fine, there are plenty of women out there who don’t mind a bigger guy (or even prefer it).

Postdatedpandemic · 23/06/2021 21:38

You like him enough to go on a date - good
Relax and have fun on the date
You don't have to write a tripadvisor review. You can go on a second date or not, your choice.

Musication · 23/06/2021 21:40

I'd be unlikely to date somebody who was obviously overweight, I don't find it attractive. This is probably the wrong thing to say but I don't, and if you meet him and feel similarly then that's okay you don't have to pursue dating him.

It's a totally different scenario to leaving somebody that you've been with long term due to weight gain.

You are not required to find a date attractive, whatever that reason is.

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2021 21:43

Why do you need to get past it, we fancy what we fancy, why are you going on a date with him if you don’t fancy him?

Original poster
HelpMeBeABetterPersn · 23/06/2021 21:49

I think the issue I'm having is that I'm trying to talk myself out of the date based on his weight. He might not even be that big, it's kind of difficult to tell from his pictures! I know that I should go because I do really like him, but part of me is trying to convince myself that I will definitely not fancy him based on his weight and that I'm wasting both our time.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMeBeABetterPersn · 23/06/2021 21:50

I find it really hard to fancy someone I've never met from photos anyway, because people either look better or worse than their pics when you meet them. It's hard to tell.

OP posts:
Seriouslymole · 23/06/2021 21:55

Just go. You don’t have to have a second date if you don’t like him.

Gullible2021 · 23/06/2021 21:56

I think, honestly, it could take time and you might feel you don't want to give it time.

I definitely never thought I could fall for a bald, overweight guy and if I'd spotted one on a dating site I wouldn't have been interested.

Long story short, I ended up getting closer to a family friend I've known most of my life through a hobby we both ended up doing and then he was seconded to work with me too. I had never found him physically attractive at all - he was really overweight and looked alot older than his age as (poor guy) he started going grey and then losing his hair in his teens. However, as I got to know him, his brilliant sense of humour, how sweet and gentle he was, intelligent, manly and like a cuddly bear, I eventually got really attracted to him. It was a huge surprise. He was just so kind and treated me with such respect. The way I'd describe him was like a Toby from This Is Us. He was brilliant. When we did eventually kiss, it was electric and he was brilliant sexually. I think because he'd
sadly never had much attention from women he'd never become arrogant or slept around. The sex he'd had was in LTRs and he was focussed on making the woman happy. We had great chemistry and I just look back on that all really fondly. It didn't work out long term as we were in different places at that point in our lives but I'm glad I had that experience.

It made me see I needed to stop being as shallow and looking for an instant spark. There are some great guys are there and they don't all come in the sort of packaging we expect. I'm much more open minded now.

Give it time! Don't be too hasty, just go on the date with an open mind and see what his personality is like.

Mymapuddlington · 23/06/2021 23:33

Would you refuse to be friends based on someone’s weight? If not then text him and say you want to meet and see how things go, no pressure.

Original poster
HelpMeBeABetterPersn · 24/06/2021 12:38

Thanks everyone. I'm definitely going to go.

No, I wouldn't refuse to be friends with someone based on their weight.

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1 · 24/06/2021 13:28

Hope it goes well OP. I wonder if this is just pre-date jitters manifesting like this? Apologies if that’s totally wrong. Just go with an open mind and see if you fancy him. Enjoy the date.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 24/06/2021 13:30

Why are you going on a date with him? You know what you are. Spare him the experience.

Flyinggeese1 · 24/06/2021 13:30

When you say people may judge you, do you mean if seen with him or for not continuing to see him for reasons of weight?

Nicolastuffedone · 24/06/2021 13:39

It’s different being friends with someone who’s overweight and not wanting to have a romantic relationship with an overweight person. I have fat friends, but I don’t fancy overweight men.

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/06/2021 13:46

Physical attraction isn’t shallow, it’s a significant basis for why someone is your partner rather than just another friend. If you don’t fancy him even after you’ve met because of his weight or any physical characteristic then that’s fine. You wish him well and give both of you the opportunity to find somebody else where there’s mutual attraction. You don’t need to overthink it and wear a metaphorical hair shirt for daring to have a preference in who you have sex with. If you don’t want to date him, he’ll find somebody who does, no biggie (and no pun intended.)

BashfulClam · 24/06/2021 14:19

I tell hard for a guy who wasn’t conventionally attractive. He was slightly shorter than me, wore glasses (I do too so I look past that in people), was podgy and hairy. He was also about 7 years older and we worked together. Several people asked what I saw in him. He was funny, kind, romantic, affectionate, caring, intelligent and interesting. He also had an attractive (to me) face. When he dumped me just as I let myself fall in love I was gutted. My friends kept saying ‘he’s a wee fat hairy man, you are way out of his league!’ He’s my one who got away. I think looks are just packaging and chemistry, connection and compatibility are more important. You might not fancy someone slimmer as the connection isn’t there.

Original poster
HelpMeBeABetterPersn · 24/06/2021 17:46

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Why are you going on a date with him? You know what you are. Spare him the experience.
What?
OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMeBeABetterPersn · 24/06/2021 17:48

I think the 'you're out of his league' comments are what I would worry about. Just the general thought that people I know are looking at me and thinking negatively in that way.

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1 · 24/06/2021 18:07

OP if anyone says anything like that then they’re just appalling! Who are these people who would do that? Ditch them.

peachgreen · 24/06/2021 18:13

Well, firstly you're not automatically out of his league just because he's overweight and you're slim. Leagues are nonsensical concepts but even if they weren't, an overweight person can be more attractive than a slim person.

Secondly, if you don't fancy him when you meet him, you don't fancy him. It isn't necessarily because of his weight. And not fancying someone is a perfectly fine reason not to go on a second date. But you won't know until you've met him.

WorraLiberty · 24/06/2021 18:20

@HelpMeBeABetterPersn

I think the issue I'm having is that I'm trying to talk myself out of the date based on his weight. He might not even be that big, it's kind of difficult to tell from his pictures! I know that I should go because I do really like him, but part of me is trying to convince myself that I will definitely not fancy him based on his weight and that I'm wasting both our time.
It's only one date though, so how is it 'wasting anyone's time'? Confused

There are no guarantees on any first date that either person will want a second one.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/06/2021 18:23

What a weird post. It's one date not a marriage proposal. You don't have to go out with him again, and you don't have to tell him why if you don't find him attractive because of his weight.
If you are attracted to him why would you care what anyone else thinks. Not being attracted to someone because of their weight isn't what makes you shallow, its the fact you might be attracted to him but you are worried what other people will think of you for going out with a fat guy because you're slim.