DH said he'd divorce me if I became a vegetarian.

[JammyGem]

Just that really. Not sure what to make of it.

He's a chef and very passionate about food. I'm not a big meat eater and don't like the taste or texture of a lot of stuff, so tend to cook only fish, chicken and beef. I hate touching raw meat and while making dinner tonight made a comment about thinking of going vegetarian. We do eat a lot of veggie meals anyway, and I give him most of the meat while I have just the sauce/vegetables etc.

He gets a bit annoyed because I don't like pork or lamb so don't cook them - although I've made it clear if he wants them he can cook dinner for himself and I'll just have some soup or something, so I'm not stopping him from eating them.

I was just a bit taken aback by his (totally serious) comment that if I stopped cooking/eating meat he'd file for divorce

You feel how you feel. I don't think anything you've said is unreasonable or particularly extreme.

I find being confronted with the reality of life in all its forms being snuffed out around us all the time a bit challenging & distressing sometimes since some traumatic stuff in my past, that's why I wondered about the link with having your daughter. Mortality feels different once it feels directly applicable to your loved ones rather than an abstract.

It's also why I find it odd reading some of the posts on here from other people in terms of their mismatch in emotional response about ending the life of plants vs animals etc etc. The choice to use emotive language and moral judgments about one but not the other.

You and your husband both have different views and feelings on the subject, but to me I don't see that they can't coexist if the two of you so wish. Neither side is morally superior or morally questionable, and from a practical perspective it's not especially problematic. It just requires a small amount of compromise and empathy in both directions.

Jumping to divorce on the other hand is an odd response if serious. I would hope it was a poorly delivered joke if he has a dry sense of humour. It's not like it's as easy a process as just "filing for divorce" so he'd get a nasty shock anyway.

All you can do is keep communicating with each other calmly and clearly.

He can cook some amazing vegetarian meals, but would just prefer to eat meat himself. Which I understand, it's the way he grew up - every evening meal would include meat at his parents.

He cooks on average one night a fortnight - he works long hours and I do all the meal planning so makes sense for me to cook. He always does the washing up though!

Your body, your choice.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to fuck right off, the controlling prick.

@lilyofthewasteland if you're actually being serious and think that killing plants and killing animals are morally equivalent, then you should still go meat free as a vegetarian diet kills far fewer plants than a diet that includes meat. You can either get your calories through eating the plants themselves, or by feeding the plants to an animal and eating the animal. If you choose the latter then a lot of energy is wasted because the animal needs to digest the plants, grow, keep warm, move its body etc. and not all parts of the animal are edible. So the vegetarian diet is more efficient and therefore requires far fewer plants. I do suspect though that you don't really think that killing animals and killing plants are morally equivalent.

I know my omnivore DH wasn’t exactly thrilled when I went from veggie to vegan, but it was my choice and he was ok with it as it’s my body my choice.

If I decided to give up rice then I would equally expect him to respect that.

We do share many meals, many are fully vegan for us both, like a curry, many he will add cheese too and tonight was roasted veggies, chickpeas and he had a fish cake and I had a veggie burger. It’s very rare we have two completely different meals.

OP this isn’t really about eating meat or not. This is about you making a perfectly valid personal choice about what you eat. If you had to change your diet drastically due to illness or medication your husband wouldn’t think anything of it. God forbid you should choose to do something he doesn’t like. He has given you warning that he will punish you if you do something he does not approve of. Do you always toe the line?

He doesn’t have to understand because he isn’t changing his diet, you are. He should support you in your choices!
I’ve been vegetarian with bouts of veganism since I was a toddler, my son decided to be vegetarian at age 9.
My partner eats meat. He cooks vegetarian gluten free for me. I cook meat for him even though I find it grim we support each other

I struggle with the textures of meat. I worked really hard years ago to get to a place where I could eat a few types of meat. For medical reasons, I can't eat most vegetarian proteins because of allergies. Then in all of my pregnancies I couldn't eat meat and after our youngest was born 5 years ago I've struggled to eat even the limited types of meat that I actually enjoyed eating. It might be worth doing a bit of reading on sensory issues. When our eldest was diagnosed Autistic and with sensory processing disordee I did a lot of reading and realised I have sensory issues too. I'm not Autistic. Sensory issues can exist on their own. Reading about them was like a light going on, I realised I have then too.

He is definitely being a bit of a dick. I'm vegetarian and my family eat meat. I tend to try and have what they are having (veggie bolognaise, veggie lasagne, nut roast etc.) so we all eat together but slightly different food. We all regularly eat vegetarian meals together too. If he is serious, then you have bigger problems than what's on your plate.

Let him
My dp went vegetarian with me when I did.

@Caramellatteplease

Rubbish! My dh is a staunch vegetarian, I’m a carnivore. I do most of the cooking and never expect him to eat meat. He’s more than happy for me to eat meat

Just because it works in your relationship doesn't mean everyone agrees. Doing veggie right means a vast change in shopping and eating habits, it's not just leaving out the meat or adding a bit of meat on the side. I'll happily eat a lentil bolognese, but I'll relish a proper bolognese. Id prefer to live with relish rather than tolerance given the choice, I wouldn't be particularly compatible with a vegetarian. When you go out to eat to eat, picking a steakhouse is likely to be less appealing to veggie and vice versa re veggie restaurant. Theres likely to be far more compromises than if you eat similarly.

My mum has compromised for years to my Dad's love of beige food. It's not limited to veggie vs meat.

It’s really only a vast change if you eat a limited, mono-cultural diet. That’s clearly not the case in this house.

There really are many many restaurant choices other than a steakhouse……

I think I’d feel really short changed if I married a chef and he only cooked once a fortnight.

don't think OP is 5% as exercised as many respondents are

Maybe get your ganders down. OP doesn't even want to be vegetarian!

It’s really only a vast change if you eat a limited, mono-cultural diet. That’s clearly not the case in this house.

That's nonsense

On a week we normally eat chinese, Indian, Morrocan, Mexican, English etc. I would quite happily cook the odd veggie meal in there anyway. But when you actually get down to counting protein levels (quite important for us on medical grounds), vegetarianism is hard. I And because I did make DD work out the nutrition properly when she tried going veggie, actually quite expensive, (and that was when I was more than happy for us as a family to eat veggie with her). A lot of veggie recipes books that I see recommended (the green roasting tin) are actually not that great.

And for many it is a fundamental principles matter that involves a judgement on you other hall's lifestyle, and in this case, profession. I'd struggle with that midway through a relationship, it removes your ability to decide if this is a compromise you want to make work for you. Your choice is put up or leave. Not easy in a longstanding relationship.

There really are many many restaurant choices other than a steakhouse……

There are. And yes the steakhouse is an extreme example. But not all of them are great at offering a veggie selection. Especially in some parts of the country. When I'd go out with someone who was veggie, I'd want them to have a good choice in food, I'd hate to be at a restaurant where i had a choice and they had to settle for what was available. That would limit both of our choices in restaurants. For example a very well thought of local restaurant (that ironically has a vegetable in its name) might have one or two vegetarian choices and 5 or 6 non vegetarian options. Unless the vegetarian options were especially good I'd be bothered by that.

Caramellatteplease, don't be concerned on behalf of vegetarians eating out. It's very very normal for restaurants to have only 1 or two vegetarian options. It's just how it is when it is still a minority choice. My DH and I have managed to cope with it for nearly a quarter of a century now.

I can't understand the idea that deciding to become vegetarian is a negative judgement on her husband's lifestyle and on his profession?! It's nothing to do with him at all and makes no comment about his choices and his work.

But when you actually get down to counting protein levels (quite important for us on medical grounds), vegetarianism is hard. I And because I did make DD work out the nutrition properly when she tried going veggie, actually quite expensive, (and that was when I was more than happy for us as a family to eat veggie with her).

It's not hard though, and it's definitely not expensive, beans and lentils are far cheaper than meat. I can see that it could be expensive if you were only using meat substitutes as your protein but that's not the healthiest way of doing it anyway. You could have tofu, tempeh, seitan, edamame beans, lentils, chickpeas, beans of all kinds, peas, quinoa, wild rice - all pretty cheap and excellent sources of protein.

I would laugh and make the lamb "yum yum dinner" joke, I think it's important for children to know where their food comes from, that's a value choice. It's one that seems quite common amongst chefs.

OP quite understandable finds the joke unpalatable to say the least. She doesn't like the connection being made between her dinner plate and animal. I think most vegetarians on the thread would agree.

Already you have a mismatch in humour and values.

Caramellatteplease, don't be concerned on behalf of vegetarians eating out

oh it's way too late for me in that respect 😳😖🤣.... I'm the one phoning ahead to make sure the zoo cafe has multiple choices of coeliac foods for one of DDs friends and checks out theme park menus ahead of time to offer her veggie friend three different decent lunch choices (mozzarella sticks and quorn burgers dont count). I'm definitely a lost cause!!

@JammyGem

I'll be totally honest, I wouldn't be vegetarian 24/7 - I'd still treat myself to something nice on the rare occasions we get a takeaway or go out to eat... it's more just cutting down on meat so I don't have to prep it. That and I know I need to do my bit for the environment and figure that cutting out meat could make a bit of a difference.

Ummm... if you would still eat meat sometimes then you wouldn't be vegetarian, so there's no problem is there? Your OP isn't "he'd divorce me if I ate less meat" which is what you're actually talking about.

Well, my initial reaction was sort of sympathy for your DH, because I'm not sure what my reaction would be if DH suddenly decided to start eating meat. I might find it difficult to live with him in that scenario. I wouldn't mind him eating meat outside the house at all, but I would be really grossed out if he wanted to eat it at home. Possibly to the point of deciding that I could no longer live with him.

However, I don't actually think it's comparable because you're not actually asking your DH to stop eating meat and it's not like he is grossed out by vegetarian food. I think he should respect your choices.

That's a bonus.

"think it's important for children to know where their food comes from, that's a value choice. It's one that seems quite common amongst chefs."

And vegetarians. It's a conversation I have continually with my children, about meat as well as other foods.

Making such a tedious joke as the "yum yum dinner!" comment is a personality issue with her DH. It's got nothing to do with diet or lifestyle choices and clashes will happen regardless of context IMO.

I’d call his bluff and do it just to spite him even if I didn’t really want to but I’m stubborn and hate being told what to do

lentils, chickpeas

100g of lentils gives 9g of protein for 20g of carbohydrates and 120kcal
100g of quinoa gives 4g of protein for roughly the same carbs and calories.
100g of chicken gives 34g of protein for no carbs and 160kcal.

DD was told she wasnt allowed to use meat replacements but she had to balance protein, carb and calorie requirements. Thus lentils, beans and chickpeas become the mainprotein source, but When you take into keeping carbs and calories in balance as well it becomes more complex. Milk helps. But a little meat goes a very long way.

The other protein sources I'd happily eat, DD wouldn't. Most of them actually Arent that cheap.

@Caramellatteplease try nuts and nut butters then, if you need the protein source itself to contain plenty of calories. But it really sounds like you're over-complicating things. It's way cheaper to eat meat-free.

Given he's a chef, I imagine he took it as if you were saying you don't support/believe in his profession

What utter bollocks. There's endless non meat meals to cook, chefs who never cook meat and restaurants that don't serve it.

OP, my attitude to meat sounds a lot like yours. I'm not vegetarian but don't particularly like big lumps of meat and some of my favourite meals happen to be vegetarian so that's what I mostly cook or choose when we eat out. Plus I'm becoming more aware of the environmental aspect of meat production, so making a more concious choice to avoid beef in particular where possible.

Or I cook things that only have a relatively small amount of meat for the meal, for example a pilaf that has one chicken thigh per portion, along with chick peas, veg, rice etc. I'm also a soup fan and one of my favourites is a minestrone type, where I use one of those small packs of panacetta cubes in a big pot along with veg, beans, soup pasta etc.

If you occasionally eat meat because you sometimes cook it, or have it as a takeaway you're not vegetarian, so if he still decides to divorce you then it's not about the eating habits then is it?

If I were you, I'd cook what I wanted, not what he wanted. Just say - I'm making X, do you want it? After all, he's always free to cook himself a steak or whatever. Plus being a chef, he probably gets lots of opportunities to eat at work?

Oh, and ignore all the shit about protein and nutrition, Mumsnet is ridiculous about this. There's probably exactly zero people in the UK/developed countries, who can afford to eat sufficient food to not be hungry, who are protein deficient. We don't need anywhere near the amount that people think we do.