My teen son friending randoms on snapchat and sexting them- Help!

[piddocktrumperiness]

Hi everyone. I really am frustrated here and so concerned. My 16 yr old has been adding random 'girls' on snapchat and sending inappropriate texts to them, along with pictures of himself (he admitted as much). I have sat down with him and explained to him how dangerous social media is, that he'd never know who he really is talking to, and even if they were girls, they could be decoys for grooming by creeps. I also explained to him that anyone could screenshot his inappropriate pics and that those pics could be anywhere, and on the internet they'd never go away and that they could come back to haunt him. I don't really know whether it has sunk in though.

I have told him that I'll be doing random checks on his phone where he hands it over and opens up his photo album and apps for me to see. I also said his phone is not to be in his bedroom at night.

He has done something similar to this where he was friending half naked women on instagram and watching porn on his phone so I blocked the sites and ability to download the app and took his phone off him but clearly he has not learnt anything. I already have parental restrictions with my broadband so I'm not sure how he is navigating this. Technology moves so fast and I can't keep up and it is terrifying me.

I feel like a shit parent.

His father and I are divorced and I often am always the first one to discover these antics and deal with it first. I tell his dad and his dad's attitude is less punitive as he wants our son to be trusting of us. I get that but I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone here experienced anything like this? If your children did anything remotely similar, how did the message finally get through?
I would be so grateful for any tips or advice on how to deal with this.

How can I keep my son safe online?

Ah, I see, OK. Should have rtft!

You need to impress on him that this is not normal and this is not real life. Girls don't want dick pics. They want to meet a boy who they can be friends with and talk to, and who will respect them, not a porn hound.

Say that if hs photos are out there, he has no control of who sees him. Grim. And remember, nobody else is his mum; everyone else will judge him more harshly than you will for this behaviour.

He may be naive but you're not doing him any favours by being soft on him. In 2 years time he won't be a naive teenager, he'll be a creepy MAN. He is old enough now to technically live on his own and he should know better.

Putting aside the age issue for a minute, he needs to know that this behaviour is totally and utterly unacceptable. It's harassment, it's ugly, and it's WRONG.

Thanks everyone
It is shit. This whole thing is shit. I'll take all your views onboard

I'd bet quite a lot of money that it's not teenage girls asking your son for dick pics. There's many, many stories out there of boys and men sending pics to 'girls' or 'women'. They usually end up being sold/passed around men, the man/boy being blackmailed by men or a 'relationship' starting with the boy/man sending money to his 'girlfriend'.

He's making himself very vulnerable. He could be being groomed by men, scammed by men, setting himself up for blackmail, sending his photos to underage girls, he's creating and distributing sexualised images of a child. And if he's sending his photos to anyone and everyone, bullying, if someone at school found out and set him up.

@tenlittlecygnets
I have yes- I have sat down with him and told him how one day he'll find someone he truly loves and will have a healthy and loving relationship, that was based on an honest friendship, that no one wants or respects anyone that sends texts back and forth like that. It is not healthy, even if many teens are doing it. It's disrespectful to him and to his future partner.

I told him that it is especially dangerous out there for girls and women, and they met find it terrifying to navigate online too, so that he, being a good person generally, should be be siding with him, not making feeding the problem.

In the everyday he really is a good kid. Honestly, being a single mother I drill the trials women face everyday. He sees it and appreciates it. It won't mean anything for you to hear that on here since he's being branded as a criminal already by some posters, but I think he's being stupid, and naive, failing to connect what I have been teaching him about women and life as a woman with snap chatting girls.

being a good person generally, he should be be siding with THEM, not feeding the problem

My dd was sending half naked pics of herself, school Safegarding got involved as it’s classed as distribution of child porn.
It has very serious consequences but I’m not sure how you would stand with your son being 16.
This was discovered back in March and I’m still dealing with the fallout from it.
Do you know how old the girls are?

Are these women also sending him photos? If so are they committing a crime if your son is under 18?

Hi OP, first you're not a sh#t parent!! Second, I would not call your son a predator but my major worry here is that he is sending dick pics etc to girls who end up being underage and he could get himself in a very dangerous situation where the police come knocking on his door. Saying I didn't know their age is no defense. So he might then be treated as a predator when he is not trying to be one, and end up with God knows what trouble on his doorstep.

I wonder if a community policeman or anyone of that sort could help out and put the fear of God into him to stop him? Failing that, confiscated phone?

I hate social media and this is just one reason why!!

@Snowpatrolling

My dd was sending half naked pics of herself, school Safegarding got involved as it’s classed as distribution of child porn. It has very serious consequences but I’m not sure how you would stand with your son being 16. This was discovered back in March and I’m still dealing with the fallout from it. Do you know how old the girls are?

Safeguarding would escalate this.

@Lotsolove

Are these women also sending him photos? If so are they committing a crime if your son is under 18?

No, because he's 16.

@piddocktrumperiness

I don't want to be soft but I know my son, he is naive. It doesn't cross his mind that the people he might be texting are younger than him. He thought they are his age range. I looked at some of the conversations and the girls would send regular selfies- they look in their mid teens but that is where I tell him they could be selfies plucked by anyone.

I know I am his mother but reading posts on here that make out my son is a predator is very hurtful. He is not.
He is being stupid but is not being predatory.
I'm trying to ensure he doesn't disrespect himself and others.

I’m sorry but in two years time your son could go to prison for what he’s doing.

Get a god damn grip, stop feeling sorry for him or saying he is naive and take his phone away before he ends up getting messages by one of those vigilante groups. You don’t know the girls are asking for pictures and I don’t know many young girls that genuinely want to see a picture of a man naked tbh. It doesn’t have the same effect for women as it does men, and these aren’t women, they’re girls.

I’d get school involved, we did a phse last week on this very topic and safeguarding were very hot on it. (As we have a very similar situation. Everyone knows about it and well, sorry, the opinion of the boy’s peers was very poor. That type of thing does not get forgotten about.) do it before it’s the police.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

I’d get school involved, we did a phse last week on this very topic and safeguarding were very hot on it. (As we have a very similar situation. Everyone knows about it and well, sorry, the opinion of the boy’s peers was very poor. That type of thing does not get forgotten about.) do it before it’s the police.

I am deputy safeguarding lead and agree. I've only had one analogous situation, and the police were called by my boss. This involved a boy who I would have put my hand on burning coals to defend as I was incredulous that of all the boys in my school, this was the one being a sexual predator. Let's not fuck around with the terminology either. Let's call it what it is, and call it out when we see it.

I'd take his phone and go through it. If he's sending random photos then it may be he's commiting sexual offences & may end up getting stung for it.

@piddocktrumperiness, if he's under 18 and sending photos of himself nude it's actually classed as distribution of child abuse images.

If any photo he receives is from someone under 18 he's receiving images of child abuse (which ppl mistakenly call child porn).

Doesn't matter that he or they are taking or sending these images willingly.

Thanks everyone
I've just had a conversation with him. He was crying his eyes out saying he didn't even think they wouldn't be his age. He said they send texts back and forth and he complied because he wants them to like him.

So that opened a can of worms. I explained to him that friends like you for who you are, not for what you do and that girl especially would never welcome any of this. I told him he has tonnes of friends, all who like him for him, that he is enough. He shouldn't ever feel the need to share what is private to anyone else, and that if someone sends or requests inappropriate texts, to see that as a major red flag and report and block.

I genuinely believe this is a self esteem issue that needs dealing with now, not a malicious premeditated type thing.

Nonetheless, he feels completely embarrassed and shocked

I'm also taking his phone off- he was happy with that

@Snowpatrolling
No I can't tell for sure- The photos indicate they're around his age but that's the thing- you can never tell if they're decoys or whatever.

The thing is - 16 is a funny age, not quite a child but a long long way from being an adult even though it's technically only 24 months.
It's certainly very late to start having these conversations with your son about his attitude and opinion of girls/women.
What have you taught him thus far OP?
Has he had girlfriends etc?
It's unfortunately also a very late stage to start trying to change his behaviour by taking away his phone and blocking these sites.
The only real option now I think, is for very frank, open conversation between the two of you.
Sex is massively important at this age and it's such a tragic shame that our young people are being brainwashed by this skewed porn version of it.
But as always, knowledge is power and if you can explain to your ds the pitfalls and potential problems that he might experience in developing a reliance on porn (from expectations, comparisons and difficulty with climax) when he gets a real life girlfriend you may be able to get through to him.
The time for removing phone privileges and teaching him to respect sex and how to treat girls and women should have come a long time ago imho.
I am sorry it's so shit and that it doesn't sound like your exdh is stepping up like he should.
I hope with all my heart that as a society we can change things for the better.

Speak to your school safeguarding. Ask if there is a local sexual health service which works with boys/young men around such issues. They are worth their weight in gold.

@Wishingwell75

His attitude and opinion? Well I take any opportunity to explain the realities of life as a girl/ woman to my son. I think in this case he could not connect how this online behaviour goes against everything I taught him about respect for women.

He's never had a girlfriend, no, and I wonder whether he thought this is the way you get one? I explained to him a few mins ago that a loving and healthy relationship does not start like this, that it grows organically, from friendship, that you nurture over time and that just like any friendship, you look for commonalities and values, and get to know each other. I feel the penny has dropped here for him.

He's just at an age with very little impulse control. And a very newly active libido. Just keep talking. And listening. Ask him for the solutions if you can. But he needs to set his own boundaries or ask you to do it for him. Say, I don't want you to lose face if you get tricked or blackmailed, I don't want you up talking to the police or the headteacher because someone reports you, I don't want you regretting this in a few years time. I don't want you wiring your body to respond to the' quick reward ' of the internet so much that you can't enjoy sex with your future girlfriend /boyfriend /wife/husband because its not instantaneous and pornified. I want you to have respect for yourself and other people. I want you to be ok. Some of it will go in eventually. I would avoid going in highly critical though.

Àn older teen sent my younger teen daughter and hers BFF unsolicited dickpicks. Went to court. He's on the sex offenders register and had to pay a fine to both girls

It surprised me that it was taken seriously but it was.

@GoWalkabout

He's just at an age with very little impulse control. And a very newly active libido. Just keep talking. And listening. Ask him for the solutions if you can. But he needs to set his own boundaries or ask you to do it for him. Say, I don't want you to lose face if you get tricked or blackmailed, I don't want you up talking to the police or the headteacher because someone reports you, I don't want you regretting this in a few years time. I don't want you wiring your body to respond to the' quick reward ' of the internet so much that you can't enjoy sex with your future girlfriend /boyfriend /wife/husband because its not instantaneous and pornified. I want you to have respect for yourself and other people. I want you to be ok. Some of it will go in eventually. I would avoid going in highly critical though.

Think that ship might have sailed tbf.

@Wallywobbles, good.