A great big spider has just run over my face

[FitYeDaeinYeMadRadge]

Minding my own business, tucked up in bed and dropping off when the great big twat ran right over my face. We looked right at each other for a good two seconds, just millimetres from my fucking eye, and just long enough for me to realise what was happening. Then it legged it down the duvet quicker than Usain going for another gold.

Now he is MIA and I am on a chair armed with a pint glass. I never kill them, just catch and relocate them but it was bloody huge and I am wide awake. I’ve moved all the furniture, the duvet, everything. Where the fuck did it go?!

I thought they were too scared of humans to come anywhere near them.

That Spider House spider expert is a big fucking liar.

It’s in my hair laughing itself shitless at me, isn’t it?

Dear god... I was just about to switch out the light.... nooooooo.

Burn your house down immediately. No other way.

This is why I vacuum up every one I can see! If you can't see it OP (check corners) it has probably squeezed its way out of the room via a crack. It'll be too scared come back to where you were (I'm pretty sure) so hope you can get to bed soon.

Next time - no mercy!

OP Please don't kill it. This from someone who would be shit scared if it happened to me. Do you know they are blind ?
Get a glass and a piece of paper and chuck the poor thing out.

LOL

I have such a busy day tomorrow, I am now at the how fucking dare you stage. I still can’t find it. I can manage the small and medium ones but this one took up my whole cheek. Thought I was dreaming. I didn’t think you got the really big ones til September.

My boss just takes a shoe to them, but I have always tried to help them. That’s the thanks I get.

At the old hospital I used to work at the big ones used to roam the corridors at night. If they fell off a trolley, they made a noise as they hit the floor. It was one like that.

Where can I buy the skinny ones who eat the big ones for a living?

@FitYeDaeinYeMadRadge

I have such a busy day tomorrow, I am now at the how fucking dare you stage. I still can’t find it. I can manage the small and medium ones but this one took up my whole cheek. Thought I was dreaming. I didn’t think you got the really big ones til September.

My boss just takes a shoe to them, but I have always tried to help them. That’s the thanks I get.

At the old hospital I used to work at the big ones used to roam the corridors at night. If they fell off a trolley, they made a noise as they hit the floor. It was one like that.

Where can I buy the skinny ones who eat the big ones for a living?

Get a cat:)

I'll share my spider story to cheer you up
Got home from work, took shoes off, went to go upstairs and there it was. Sat on the stair, glaring at me. I don't mind spiders but this was so big I could read its facial expression, and it wasn't saying "welcome home"
Neighbours were out, I had to knock on a random persons door to ask him to help. He laughed, got a pint glass and then saw the spider
"I think I need something bigger" and he went to find a container. At this point, his kids have all piled into my house to see this giant spider
He ended up using a square ice cream tub to catch the thing it was so huge
I apologised for disturbing him and he was "er my wife would have set the house on fire if she saw that, that's the biggest spider I've seen"

@Anordinarymum my cat doesn't catch spiders he just waves a paw at them and goes back to sleep. Helpful

I can kill them. That spider programme made me feel so much better about them.

Blind? He eyeballed me. I swear. I still can’t find it. I’d sleep downstairs but his shagpiece is probably there putting her stockings and suspenders on and spraying spider sex pheromones.

I’m too tired to play arachnophobia.

@FitYeDaeinYeMadRadge

I can kill them. That spider programme made me feel so much better about them.

Blind? He eyeballed me. I swear. I still can’t find it. I’d sleep downstairs but his shagpiece is probably there putting her stockings and suspenders on and spraying spider sex pheromones.

I’m too tired to play arachnophobia.

Console yourself OP He won't be jizzing on your washing if he's lurking under the bed

PawsQueen your one sounds like my one’s twin.

I have a fat cheek and he filled it.

Do they have cheap spider killing cats on Amazon Prime Day? Would I get a refund if the spider battered the cat?

@FitYeDaeinYeMadRadge

I can kill them. That spider programme made me feel so much better about them.

Blind? He eyeballed me. I swear. I still can’t find it. I’d sleep downstairs but his shagpiece is probably there putting her stockings and suspenders on and spraying spider sex pheromones.

I’m too tired to play arachnophobia.

I hate spiders, but this made me chuckle. And if I saw one in suspenders doing a sexy spider dance spraying sexy spidey spray, well, I might just be cured! Good luck Op.

Anordinarymum

I think I’d need the washing basket to trap this bugger. He’s probably already rubbed one out my duvet. I can hear him cracking his knuckles somewhere.

I’m going to sleep downstairs. If he sits on my face again I might call my boss. There are other rooms in the house. If you are respectful of my space you big eight legged twat you can stay.

If not, my boss has size twelves. Which I may well get up my own arse for calling him out in the middle of the night.

He's basically trailed his willy all over your face.............do you have another bedroom to sleep in? Not helpful. Sorry. Hate them!

@FitYeDaeinYeMadRadge

Anordinarymum

I think I’d need the washing basket to trap this bugger. He’s probably already rubbed one out my duvet. I can hear him cracking his knuckles somewhere.

I’m going to sleep downstairs. If he sits on my face again I might call my boss. There are other rooms in the house. If you are respectful of my space you big eight legged twat you can stay.

If not, my boss has size twelves. Which I may well get up my own arse for calling him out in the middle of the night.

So he's driven you out of the bedroom. He's a cocklodger. A freeloading non rent paying squatter. Get legal advice. He'll have rights :)

LTB

He’s going to phone his mates isn’t he Anordinarymum I’m doomed.

And he wasn’t wearing a mask. Just trainers. Gods ones. And now it appears he’s borrowed Harry fucking Potter’s invisibility cloak as well.

Hot momma spider is going to wrap me in a web and have me as a post shag snack.

I am LTB Tracy. Upstairs.

*Good ones. Not Gods ones.

I’m sure God doesn’t wear trainers.

@FitYeDaeinYeMadRadge

*Good ones. Not Gods ones.

I’m sure God doesn’t wear trainers.

It's a well know fact that God wears flip flops. They know how to come down the stairs you know... he'll be on the sofa in no time....

This doesn't show scale but I'd gone to close some windows and this made me jump.
It's bigger than it looks.

Don't usually see these until autumn.

Back to shaking all fabric items in case they're hiding. 🙄

You have my sympathy. Had a 2 hour power cut and mobile data cut and then lights come back on and I think yes just to see a big spider coming down a web right to land on me on the bed.

Normally DH deals with spiders but he's off sleeping with the cat who is also asleep. So I got a glass and killed it. I'm normally tolerant but this pushed me to the limit. Now I have spider stain on the bed, yuck. But at least its in the middle.

So I can't recommend cats or DHs atm.

Fuck’s sake, I was cheered thinking “OP got the bed spider tonight, so much as her story haunts me at least it means there are no spiders in MY bed (because logic)” and now you’ve blown that theory out of the water.

Now I can sense them everywhere.

I hate spiders too.
My mum lived in Australia when she retired, I went to her first house a few times ... all ok, she moved out to the country and build a house on a new estate based on an old farm land site. Apparently they had all kind of bugs, I was going to visit her and she mentioned bug bombing the place before I came as I'd have a fit ... the word huntsman was used too regularly ... I never went there!
Be pleased it wasn't a huntsman 😉

This happened to me too! I was happily sleeping one night, woke up and reached over to check the time on my phone and from the phone light I saw these enormous legs right next to my face 🤢🤢🤢 biggest spider I've ever seen in my life just camped out on my pillow right next to my face. God knows how long it has been there. Luckily it didn't run away so I got it in a glass and walked halfway down the road at 2am to put it far far away.

I’m not scared of spiders, but across the face is a step too far. I saw the biggest spider I have ever seen in the shed yesterday. We have called it Reek after the character in Game of Thrones. Left it in it kingdom behind the tub with plant pots in.