I just need to rant.

[Br3style]

Currently SO fed up, will likely (hopefully) feel better in the morning later, I just need to vent out as everything feels intense right now.
DD has been very unwell since Fri eve due to a Nursery bug.
DD wouldn't be going to nursery if I didn't take on a full time job that partner thinks was the biggest mistake ever.
Anyway, I've been looking after DD, P has helped where he can but DD is very clingy with me.
P was disappointed in his Father's Day because we've been indoors, in the end he went out and enjoyed the sun. He has a few things to still sort for work tomorrow including needing some shirts washed so I said I'd do it while he was out to help.
However DD ended up throwing up and due to nature of the bug, everything needs to be immediately cleaned and washed on high heat to avoid it catching.
Partners shirts wouldn't be in the same condition if I washed them together and he is very particular.
When he got home I explained this and said I'll do shirts on the next load.
No problem, except I then popped to the shops for some essentials and sorted out dinner.
During that time, he could've put his own shirts on but didn't and when I asked if he had he said he can't believe I didn't do it while he was out....
I've not been able to do it until approaching 10 o'clock which means I've had to stay up to wait for it to be ready as Partner needs to sleep as his job is 'very demanding and he has to be up at 6am'
While in bed waiting, he's mid sleep and DD wakes up unwell, unsure of what she wants and gets in a state crying unable to calm down.
He is no use whatsoever just asking what's wrong with her? Telling me to go in front room with her because of the noise not for him but for the neighbours.
Oh but no concern about me and that I work full time too, I have to be early, I'm already waiting on his poxy shirts, I will have to work alongside my DD being unwell tomorrow because if I have another absence I'll be sacked (ridiculous) but can't send her with childcare being that sick and partner wouldn't dare take the day off.
Nothing I do is as important than his job is. I understand it wouldn't be ideal for him but I wish it didn't all fall down on me all the time especially when I have other priorities too.
He hates my job and thinks I'd be better off prioritising DD and the house so he'd rather have these situations prove that to me instead of finding ways to be supportive and helpful if that makes sense.
When I calm down DD and put her to bed, I pull cover over and it gets stuck so I yank it harder and partner whispers from bed 'well that was aggressive, don't lash out at me'
He also tried to say well done for calming DD down which annoyed me further
Also I'm pregnant so more reason for everything to feel on top!

So not give up your job for this selfish manchild.

Why doesn't he give up his job and 'prioritise DD'?.

He is punishing you by making you his skivvy.

Knob

Do not become dependent upon this man.

I can’t believe he is making you wait up for HIS shirts. What a mean man he is.

Honestly, look at the imbalance here. You do not exist to service this man’s needs.

It's super stressful and hard to keep on top without his demands let alone with, plus when I took this job on I didn't expect to get pregnant.
I feel like I've taken too much on and I have woken up still annoyed.
So the shirts I did were still wet apparently so P went into his wardrobe and the whole time there was a clean shirt ready for today!! So what a waste of my time, only did it because I thought he had nothing to wear.

It is an imbalance I do feel like a skivvy and I do not want to be dependent, you're all right. Thank you. X

I can't say this strongly enough: do not give up your job.

Not even if you are not coping. Just stop doing home stuff. Prioritise your job so you don't lose it, even if you and the kids end up eating sandwiches every meal in a dirty home.

Not even if you end up paying more in childcare than you get from your job. You are doing this for future-you and your future-kids, who are screwed if you give up your job.

Hold strong

if I have another absence I'll be sacked

This is really serious.

You know you can't work effectively at home whilst caring for a pre-schooler. And you absolutely can't allow this to affect your work.

So..

• feel zero guilt at putting your DD in front of the TV for as long as she'll stay there. TV for a day is much less bad than you losing your job

• do zero on the house/family apart from keeping your DD safe until you have made up your hours (assuming you can do your work out of hours, since you are going to lose some time during the day caring for your daughter).

The minute your partner comes in your DD is entirely his responsibility, as is dinner, bath, bed etc. Not even any questions, since that distracts you. Have you got a separate room you can work in, where you can shut the door? Headphones otherwise. Just stonewall that you need to do your day's work after caring for DD all day and now it's his turn

What a ghastly man. He can be “very particular” elsewhere.

What a shithead.

What other pj’s said. Don’t give up your job.

Why do these men revert to the 1950’s when their partner has a child?

I hope your DD is feeling better soon OP.

Are you married OP?

No I'm not married @C130
Yes I'd like to know that too! @CatrinVennastin apparently because 'I'm younger and healthier I have all the time in the world to have a career when the kids are older'
@Nordicwannabe
I know, it is, although to be fair to myself I haven't had that much and a lot have been half days until more cover came in so not complete absence - it's just in a short space of time and my manager is particularly difficult.
I had a normal 121, he moved it to a day later and admitted it was to give him another nights sleep as he was thinking of getting rid of me but the way I work kept me and he now expects NO more absence I don't know how that's even possible.

Unfortunately I can't make up time, will just have to do my best today and TV is on.
I'll of finished work by the time P is home.
Yeah you're right I will have to keep plodding along x

What I am trying to get across with work (although may seem irrelevant it includes why I feel stressed) is that there has been no support, no return to work discussions or reviews to find out exactly why I've been absent a handful of times, what can be done to avoid happening in future
Just constant reminder when I've called up that I'm still in probation and then that 121.
And I thought child absence was viewed separately to your own.
Anyway it's just a hard adjustment and P is making it any easier. I feel like I'm getting in the neck from all angles.

OP what do you do for work? Is there a way you could freelance from home? That might give you a lot more flexibility. I run my own business taking in clients and tbh since Covid I feel like the online freelance/client based world has exploded. There are a lot more opportunities than there used to be.

@Polkadots2021 I work in customer service over the phone at home although they're looking at office return.
I did sales from home which was PT and more flexi but I hated it

You know who irons my husbands shirts? My husband! I don’t wear them, it’s not my job. We both do work outside of the house, both busy.... why the hell should I do it? And that’s how I feel when he goes and does his own shirts without any complaint - it he was complaining about having to do them or me doing them not fast enough or whatever I’d divorce him!!

As for the sleep/complaints about noise or whatever- fuck him. I never say LTB but you should really LTB. And the reveal at the end that you’re pregnant? Double reason to leave this spoilt man-baby.

I really didn't mean to have a go at you for being off Br3style. I think your partner's refusal to step up puts you in a really difficult position and you're having to perform miracles to cope.

You're allowed to ask for emergency unpaid days to deal with dependants. But if you're in probation, then you have far less protection than usual and they can decide that you're a bad fit for pretty much any reason (including needing too many emergency unpaid days off).

Your partner really should be stepping up, given that you are on probation! Is your DD his as well? He certainly isn't acting like it. Or like he gives the slightest damn about you.

Do not give up your job.

Oh no @Nordicwannabe I didn't get that impression from you at all and greatly appreciate your advice - just wanted to explain that work isn't easy either so I feel like I'm trying to do my absolute best and all sides are pulling me.

Yes she is ours and due another in winter.
It's just very old fashioned but they don't tell you this when you discuss having children 🙄 and he wouldn't want to help with my job because he hates I have it in the first place.
He says he's got a really hard job and took it to support us so he needs everything else taken care of so he can keep doing his job well - that's his side of the bargain and I've let mine down by wanting a job now instead of waiting for kids to be older.

@BillyShears LTB lol well he'll be happy as no more job (maternity)

@Nordicwannabe Hit the nail on the head with 'performing miracles to cope' exactly how I feel!!

OP,

He sounds really dreadful and you are so vulnerable.

You are not married.
I would be seriously rethinking a second child with a man you are not marriex to and treats you like a skivvy.

A good man would be there and would not be out sunning himself whilst you deal with a sick child, cleaning up, the shops and yet get shit about his shirts.

What you have written is truly shocking and he sounds abusive.
He wants you to give up work to be his FT unmarried skivvy, so you can be even more vulnerable.

Unbelievable OP that you want to have another child with this arsehole.

@billy1966 Just to be clear I was BF and on the pill and still got pregnant so not planned and I didn't want to consider the other option - I'm also not hugely into marriage so that doesn't bother me however I understand your points.

because 'I'm younger and healthier I have all the time in the world to have a career when the kids are older'

But this is the best time build up your career, when you have the most time available in your future to reap the rewards! If you're younger than him, then presumably he had this early period of his life free of family restrictions - which is why he now has the career options he does. Why shouldn't you get the same?

The next argument is of course that he earns more. Well that's never going to change if you don't get the chance to work your way up, is it? . (the chance he already had before DC, remember?) It's only going to become more of a difference unless you are able to work and progress in your career

A good call centre job can often have great opportunities to progress into other areas of the business, since you learn so much about how the business works. But you do need to prove yourself as capable and committed - and you need him to do at least his fair 50% share of the household and child care for you to have the capacity to do that.

Caitlin Moran writes in her book that " there is no such thing as 'male pride' about work and income. It's not produced by some gland in their balls, which you don't have. Instead, 'male pride' is this: fear about being poor and unvalued. A fear of having no money or power. A fear of becoming unemployable. And as soon as you call it that, you realise, quite obviously, that duh - women have that too. "

And the reason that people mention how vulnerable you are not being married, is that if you split up you have no claim on any of the money he has built up from earning over the years: none of the equity in the house, no spousal maintenance for having given up your career, no access to his pension if he dies before you.

Him saying that his part of the bargain is doing the difficult job which pays lots of money, and yours is to do the unpaid (but hard) work of family and home, is him making sure that he is never poor and powerless. You, in the other hand risk having no money and savings of your own, and no power either in or out of the relationship.

That's why it's so critical for you to keep your job and build up your own career. If he doesn't support you in that, then he's keeping all the good stuff for himself. He's taking the benefit of his work (career progression which offers good future earnings, savings and equity) all for himself, and he's taking a full half of the benefit of your work (nice home, happy well-brought-up children) for himself too. Does that seem remotely fair to you?

@Nordicwannabe

because 'I'm younger and healthier I have all the time in the world to have a career when the kids are older'

But this is the best time build up your career, when you have the most time available in your future to reap the rewards! If you're younger than him, then presumably he had this early period of his life free of family restrictions - which is why he now has the career options he does. Why shouldn't you get the same?

The next argument is of course that he earns more. Well that's never going to change if you don't get the chance to work your way up, is it? . (the chance he already had before DC, remember?) It's only going to become more of a difference unless you are able to work and progress in your career

A good call centre job can often have great opportunities to progress into other areas of the business, since you learn so much about how the business works. But you do need to prove yourself as capable and committed - and you need him to do at least his fair 50% share of the household and child care for you to have the capacity to do that.

Caitlin Moran writes in her book that " there is no such thing as 'male pride' about work and income. It's not produced by some gland in their balls, which you don't have. Instead, 'male pride' is this: fear about being poor and unvalued. A fear of having no money or power. A fear of becoming unemployable. And as soon as you call it that, you realise, quite obviously, that duh - women have that too. "

And the reason that people mention how vulnerable you are not being married, is that if you split up you have no claim on any of the money he has built up from earning over the years: none of the equity in the house, no spousal maintenance for having given up your career, no access to his pension if he dies before you.

Him saying that his part of the bargain is doing the difficult job which pays lots of money, and yours is to do the unpaid (but hard) work of family and home, is him making sure that he is never poor and powerless. You, in the other hand risk having no money and savings of your own, and no power either in or out of the relationship.

That's why it's so critical for you to keep your job and build up your own career. If he doesn't support you in that, then he's keeping all the good stuff for himself. He's taking the benefit of his work (career progression which offers good future earnings, savings and equity) all for himself, and he's taking a full half of the benefit of your work (nice home, happy well-brought-up children) for himself too. Does that seem remotely fair to you?

Great post.

OP,
You are so vulnerable and naive.

Men like him dump women like you in the street with their child and women like you end up with absolutely NOTHING having sacrificed EVERYTHING without the protections of marriage, name on the deeds of the house.

The naivety is stunning and then these women are genuinely surprised when their selfish ex partners ride off into the sun with THEIR assets, successful careers and excellent salaries and pensions intact.

Having children CAN be a shit show financially for women.

You are naive.

He's treating you badly.
He doesn't do his share of house/childcare.
He doesn't want you working.
He wants you at home totally dependent on him.

🙄
What could go wrong?
Could you be more vulnerable?

Total shit show OP.
🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell him you are not his mother or his maid.
He can do his own washing,
You have a job, you do all the parenting $ doubtless all the rest.
He can stick his very important job trump card where the sun doesn't shine.
I'm not surprised your pissed off.
Stand up to this lazy fucker

@Br3style

I don't disagree with your ohs perspective re work, why pursue a job now, as opposed to career, now, when you've such a young child? Surely, that defeats the point of having had them? And if young enough, probably have another 30 years to work!

I disagree that he should not be responsible for managing his own affairs though, such as his uniform. If you're now working, then he should be doing that. Though get he feels that you've effectively chosen to break the agreement that was in place, eg him breadwinner and you home maker.

Given you're pregnant, I'm not really sure it's worth the aggravation of a full out war over it and presumably will be taking maternity leave and possibly reviewing the work situation then, as will it be affordable to work paying for childcare for two?

Re work - your employer isn't being unreasonable at all I'm afraid. You're paid to attend work. If you're not attending on multiple occasions in your probation period, that would set alarm bells going in most organisations. At best you'd get some grace for some dependency leave issues, but the employer shouldn't be taking the brunt of all of them. So, really you may have to make a decision to stop working, reducing hours so have more flexibility or oh taking some dependency leave too. Why should your employer have to carry all that burden? Given you're on probation, I'd be wary that he may well be lining up a replacement before he ends your contract! I've worked in places that do and have done this.

Atm you're not a team. And I understand that he feels you've not stuck to what was agreed and that you think he's an ass for not helping and being supportive. In that way neither of you is unreasonable. But if you don't think along the same lines about these issues, this won't end well and need to get in the same page. Including him acting like a grown up and sorting his own laundry if needed!

Thanks for all the advice and opinion on this.
I didn't say work were being unreasonable I just said my manager is difficult which is an opinion echoed throughout my team and he is undergoing extra management training.
When I took this job on earlier this year I expected it to be long term as I already had a successful management career within the sector pre baby and I didn't expect to face these issues.
So I am disappointed that I haven't been able to show my true potential and understand the concern this would have for any business - doesn't make it any easier on me though and that's all I was trying to highlight.

I'd also like to be crystal clear there was never an agreement for this in fact the only agreement there was, is that in Summer I would go FT because I disliked my PT job so much. P understood this and all I've done is bring that a few months forward which he also agreed would be okay but didn't think I'd actually do it.... 

@Nordicwannabe Thank you, that's exactly how I saw the whole career situation but it seems an odd concept to him.

I appreciate the concerns PP have had about vulnerability etc which is exactly why I stopped having a PT job that gave me no money so no savings and no future job aspects.

I need to set some expectations and will do immediately so I can thrive instead of sink in this situation.
Thanks again.
Although I have to say the 'women like you' part cracked me up
My name is on the house and I will be successful in my own right while using everyone's advice

I'm glad you are so confident of not ending up like that, because you have obviously seen the potential of you ending up in EXACTLY that position and returned FT for that reason...but you have a partner making it very difficult for you and refusing to share the load so you what, you are EXACTLY like the women we read about it.

He is being deliberately obstructive, but you are not fully acknowledging that.

It says a lot about your relationship that you realise you have to protect yourself.
Reflect on that, combined with being imposed upon to be the house skivvy.

It's amazing how many women thought that they wouldn't end up in the position they are in, but a combination of carrying the whole house/parenting/ job load left them hugely disadvantaged.

You are vulnerable.
Rather than shrug it off, reflect and protect yourself.