Help with workplace bullies

[NameChangeHelpWithBullies]

Name changed for this.

I’ve been working in a toxic environment for several years now but it has really intensified in the last year. Basically I have a senior colleague who hates me and has turned others against me so that I have gone from being a high performer who was liked by everyone being given lots of opportunities, to being gradually edged out of the business by a handful of nasty individuals led by her.

I don’t want to share any details of the situation or strategies for change - I’ve tried everything including going to HR and it isn’t solvable. I’ve managed to get a new role at what promises to be a great firm with new colleagues who seem lovely and I know it’s the right thing to do.

However, I have at least two months - possibly more if they make me work my full notice period - still with the business and I feel incredibly anxious in the situation. I can’t talk to HR again as I have already spoken up and it’s backfired. I can’t plead stress either, I really can’t. My goal is to stay strong enough to wrap up and leave on good terms with all my other lovely colleagues outside of this small group and to move on with my head held high.

Can anyone help with strategies for coping whilst I work my notice period?? Also for rebuilding my self esteem before I go to my new company? I feel like I’ve internalised the bullying so much now that I just go around apologising for myself all day long and I don’t want to be that person in the new place - I used to be so positive and passionate about my work ☹️

I dont know if this will help you, but someone has written about The Good Psychopaths' Guide and it will save reading the entire book.
thepowermoves.com/the-good-psychopath-guide/

The bit that really helped me goes;
The ability to let things wash over you
Not take things personally
Not dwell on the past
Not overthink the present
Not worry unduly about the future

When you are around the bullies stop apologising, it doesn't help. They see it as a sign of weakness. Stay silent as much as you can, minimise how much you talk.
Sing to yourself inside you head, talk to yourself, give yourself an internal running monologue of what you are doing now and what you have to do next.
Smile to yourself. Practice the single raised eyebrow and the pitying look (even if its only in your own mind.)
Its all water off a ducks back. Tell yourself the more they try to bully you the weaker they make themselves look; because thats true.

A count down calender, almost like an advent one, to remind every day done is one less to.do?

Do you have any holiday allowance to take before you leave the company?

How about some subtle revenge? Even if you don't do anything start to plan what you could.

Eg login to her computer and send an outrageous email bitching about the other bullies to everyone in the company.

Put in an order from her for 10000 boxes of staples.

You get the idea...

Why can't you go sick? I'm sure a sympathetic GP would provide a sick note.

With every hour work that passes, think to yourself; this brings me closer to my new job away from these people. Or, not long to go until I never need to interact with them. Or, they have lost a great worker in me and will only have horrible people left, serves them right. Smile at those thoughts, whatever else happens at work.

Living well is the best revenge, so concentrate on preparing yourself for your new job.
Get some new work clothes is a small thing but helps the confidence. Your main work task during your notice period is to find your way back to the person you used to be, but with the experience you now have.

Maybe a bit of coaching before you start your new role so you can resolve/ dump your bad experiences and truly move on?

I recently left a toxic workplace and whilst I’m now working longer hours, I am a lot happier.

Good luck.

Thank you all, there are some good suggestions here. I’m struggling with accepting that this has happened, to be honest. It’s affected my mental health quite a bit but I’m optimistic that getting out of the situation can change that. Even just hearing these ideas and knowing I’m not alone makes me feel a bit more positive

OP Ride it out and leave with your head up high. When you start your new job your confidence will come back

Yes of course it has affected your MH.

The intention was to harm you.

Have some self compassion for what you have endured.

You have done your v best, stuck it out but then recognised you needed to move on.

You have found the emotional energy from your battered reserves to go out and seek and secure a new job.

That’s a huge achievement. Congratulations.

I suspect that you will feel a HUGE sense of relief and will be beaming with new found happiness so much so that your confidence and competence will bounce right back and be even greater than before.

Have you given your notice in yet?

Celebrate when you do. Could the days down to leaving these sad, bitter, toxic people in the dust in your rear view mirror. They will always be bully’s and haters. They will target someone else soon. How ugly to be them for the rest of their lives.

I would spend my notice period composing an email to send last thing before you leave naming & shaming all the bullies & what they have done to you. Cc every member of staff in the office, set it up to send 5 minutes after you have left the office, walk out with your head held high & a smile on your face & imagine the fallout you have left them with.

Your confidence will return more quickly than you realise OP. They haven’t changed who you are. I would recommend exercise such as running to process things and keep your endorphins & spirits up. Probably sounds like odd or trite advice but ime can really help you keep a cool head and positive mindset and infuse you with confident energy even when dealing with utter bellends. Good luck at the new job X

Write your LinkedIn profile for when you start your new job. How pleased you are to start a new role etc, what an opportunity etc etc. But if it was me, I'd especially focus on what incredible strength you've gained form your previous role, how you've developed personally and professionally, the skills you've developed, what a stepping stone it's been in your career and your subsequent ability to progress and flourish.

Just to kick them in the teeth a bit more as you've left them for dust.

Can u really not go on sick OP?

Congratulations on finding a new job.

Maybe some therapy to process what's happened? I've been there and it's extremely difficult.

You sound very strong and lovely. However these experiences can be very impacting.

I'm not sure about getting revenge, however tempting that might seem. You sound a bit too sensible for that!

Thank you all so much. I can’t sleep tonight for worrying about the week ahead and it’s so nice to hear from people who believe me and understand the impact. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad as a result of it all.

@Susannahmoody

Write your LinkedIn profile for when you start your new job. How pleased you are to start a new role etc, what an opportunity etc etc. But if it was me, I'd especially focus on what incredible strength you've gained form your previous role, how you've developed personally and professionally, the skills you've developed, what a stepping stone it's been in your career and your subsequent ability to progress and flourish.

Just to kick them in the teeth a bit more as you've left them for dust.

Love that – hear hear!

Totally get where you are coming from OP. So horrible and stressful when you are in the midst of it, and it really can take a toll. Honestly though, not long and you will barely remember these people. Fuck them and their childish cliquey behaviour – what you’re experiencing there is about them not you. Sending solidarity!!!! And congratulations on securing the new role :) X

Not much to add really - you've had some great answers, but ignore the sabotage stuff - envious, petty people could still scupper your new job.

Keep doing what you've been doing

Be kind to yourself - none of this is your fault and you'll be leaving soon.

Take comfort from that thought "I'm leaving soon"

Treat yourself - give yourself something to look forward too (not too much food or booze, though)

Take as much annual leave as you can

Give an honest exit interview

Leave quietly and with as much class as possible.

I gather you have given your notice. I wouldn't bother discussing this with anyone and wouldn't tell anyone where you are moving to. That's your information and none of their business.

If you have to interact with these assholes during the day, keep conversation to a minimum and strictly about the task in hand. Try not to get cornered by them where you are alone with them. Speak loudly when talking to them so that other, nicer colleagues, can hear the conversation. If anything rude is said, call them out - repeat what they said back to them in a questioning manner.

A few sessions of cbt might be helpful in helping to overcome the way these assholes have made you feel.

Best of luck in your new job. Take any leave you are owed.

Keep on top of all of those things we are told are good for mental health, exercise, healthy food, sunlight, water intake, sleep. Listen to some positive meditations before bed.
Think of these last 2 months as time to transition , get together a new wardrobe for work a new hair cut anything that will make you feel more confident.
Chances are once word gets round that you are leaving they will be nice to you as they will be worried you might go for constructive dismissal due to a hostile working environment. You don't have to do that but you can let them think you might without saying it outright.

Gosh, I didn’t know what constructive dismissal was but have looked it up and I absolutely have a clear and quantifiable case. However, I definitely wouldn’t pursue it as it wouldn’t be worth the energy and I just want to face forwards and leave this nonsense behind me. I hope it does keep people on their toes though.

Thanks again for all the suggestions - I really did need a reminder to be kinder to myself and I love the ideas for moving on. This thread is getting me through the day

Why aren't HR supporting you, what have they said?

@Thelnebriati

I dont know if this will help you, but someone has written about The Good Psychopaths' Guide and it will save reading the entire book. thepowermoves.com/the-good-psychopath-guide/

The bit that really helped me goes;
The ability to let things wash over you
Not take things personally
Not dwell on the past
Not overthink the present
Not worry unduly about the future

When you are around the bullies stop apologising, it doesn't help. They see it as a sign of weakness. Stay silent as much as you can, minimise how much you talk.
Sing to yourself inside you head, talk to yourself, give yourself an internal running monologue of what you are doing now and what you have to do next.
Smile to yourself. Practice the single raised eyebrow and the pitying look (even if its only in your own mind.)
Its all water off a ducks back. Tell yourself the more they try to bully you the weaker they make themselves look; because thats true.

I really like this. Especially the staying quiet bit when around them. It gives them no grounds to bully on. If talking to them stick to the facts. Actually by doing this is changes the whole dynamic anyway and you might find the bully changes the way they act. Ive done it before and ive found bullies either fade away because they've got no ammunition anymore or try to become more friendly.

Having been through something similar, the best thing that has helped, particularly with boosting my self esteem for returning to work, has been to see a really good therapist.

I’ve been able to put a lot of the things that happened completely behind me and feel safe being my old confident self again, I’m also trusting myself again, being bullied knocked the stuffing out of me and I was second guessing myself all the time.

Also would a weeks break from work between jobs be a possibility?

I found my therapist on an online directory, I spoke to a few and picked the person who best fit. It’s been pricey, but based on the fact I wouldn’t have had the confidence to aim as high as I have done now means it’s paid off.