Help with workplace bullies

[NameChangeHelpWithBullies]

Name changed for this.

I’ve been working in a toxic environment for several years now but it has really intensified in the last year. Basically I have a senior colleague who hates me and has turned others against me so that I have gone from being a high performer who was liked by everyone being given lots of opportunities, to being gradually edged out of the business by a handful of nasty individuals led by her.

I don’t want to share any details of the situation or strategies for change - I’ve tried everything including going to HR and it isn’t solvable. I’ve managed to get a new role at what promises to be a great firm with new colleagues who seem lovely and I know it’s the right thing to do.

However, I have at least two months - possibly more if they make me work my full notice period - still with the business and I feel incredibly anxious in the situation. I can’t talk to HR again as I have already spoken up and it’s backfired. I can’t plead stress either, I really can’t. My goal is to stay strong enough to wrap up and leave on good terms with all my other lovely colleagues outside of this small group and to move on with my head held high.

Can anyone help with strategies for coping whilst I work my notice period?? Also for rebuilding my self esteem before I go to my new company? I feel like I’ve internalised the bullying so much now that I just go around apologising for myself all day long and I don’t want to be that person in the new place - I used to be so positive and passionate about my work ☹️

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIp_ir_bio8QIVB5zVCh28mAsWEAAYASAAEgLj4_D_BwE link if you’re interested

When you are around the bullies stop apologising, it doesn't help. They see it as a sign of weakness. Stay silent as much as you can, minimise how much you talk.
Sing to yourself inside you head, talk to yourself, give yourself an internal running monologue of what you are doing now and what you have to do next.
Smile to yourself. Practice the single raised eyebrow and the pitying look (even if its only in your own mind.)
Its all water off a ducks back. Tell yourself the more they try to bully you the weaker they make themselves look; because thats true.

To add to that excellent advice:

Try to picture in your head the bullies in an unflattering, ridiculous or silly situation, then smile to yourself at the image.

Constantly remind yourself that you will very soon be out of there and on to bigger and better things and they will be left there stewing in their own bile.

@Constancevariable I have thought about seeing a therapist with the hope of achieving exactly what you’ve described. Would you be willing to PM me the name of the person you had such success with?

@FuckyouCovid21 the ringleader is a big deal who brings a lot of money into the firm and has more clout than HR. Also the behaviour is insidious (think sabotage, undermining and spreading bile about me) rather than the overt stuff that’s undeniable, so HR is suggesting that maybe I’m the problem because it makes their job easier. I’m definitely not the problem and it’s this kind of thing that makes me feel like I’m going slowly mad.

PM’d you with the link to her page…

@Susannahmoody I love that idea - I am going to a competitor so that one would really sting!

Prépare your Glassdoor review of the company. And be really honest.

@Susannahmoody
Great idea, especially the stepping stone to a really great position.

OP, you are much, much stronger than you realise.

It takes great courage to recognise the futility of the situation and to seek out another position.

Of course your MH has been affected but you have a wonderful future ahead of you.

Any time you can remember to, plant a big happy gormless smile on your face, irrespective of how you are feeling.

Keep where you are going private until they are dust in your rear mirror.

Sadly they know where I am going. I don’t think I could have kept it a secret because I had to provide references to my new firm. Maybe I’m naive but I hope it will all go smoothly. My new firm have already taken glowing client references and tell me that they always take references from competitors with a pinch of salt!

Sounds great OP.

@billy1966 Thank you, those words are so nice to read

I've been there and it's grim. It massively affected my mental health too and I saw a counsellor. But my mental health changed overnight when I got out of the situation, I was like a completely different person. Just keep your head down for the next couple of months and try not to let it affect you too much, although I know it's not that easy. Do you have annual leave left to take? Is unpaid leave an option if you were willing to lose some pay? If you're really not coping, then I would definitely take some time off as sick leave, it could be for stress at home or stress at work. No job is worth putting yourself through that.

I've also had to deal with something similar. My mental health took a massive decline. 9 months later, I can honestly look back and know I will never let anyone treat me in that manner again. I've had therapy and taken a step back carer wise. I'm happier than I have ever been.

I just wanted to add the grey rock technique in case you haven't seen it before.

career

Its an awful place to be, so yo have my sympathies.
The main thing is your have somewhere else lined up, so that should help
Other things I have found that help, when I was in a similar situation was
Accepting that these people don't like me and I wasn't too fussed on them , so I wasn't going to be anything more than civil towards them. So no people pleasing and trying to win them over. It felt strangely empowering (to me) to acknowledge that.
Kill them with kindness, they want you miserable, being polite and happy annoys them, but they can't say that.
Grey rock technique, just don't tell them anything beyond necessary and be a boring as possible.
But just the fact you are leaving should be enough to give you strength to carry on.
I would also recommend some counselling to help you process it and to maybe identify any unhelpful behaviours that may make you an easy target for future bullies.

* I wouldn't bother discussing this with anyone and wouldn't tell anyone where you are moving to. That's your information and none of their business.*

^Do this

Every time you do a task for the last time (a report submitted, a meeting whatever it is) give yourself a little treat or celebration and mark the occasion in your head. Your could even note it in your work calendar "Last XX meeting', Final XXX to hand in.

Put a big countdown timer on your computer screen.

When in their company silently repeat to self - "I leave in X weeks Xdays". Imagine nasty bully doing something disgusting and humiliating - farting in a public place, straining a big poo out etc

any time you can remember to, plant a big happy gormless smile on your face, irrespective of how you are feeling
This. Whenever bullies are around, look chuffed to bits and beam with pleasure at thought you won't be there much longer. It will drive them bonkers.

Say things like "I'm so glad to have worked here, it's really proved that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "It's so important to move companies and keep yourself up to date and fresh" (especially helpful if they've been there donkey's years in same job)

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I did a thread on my narcissist CEO, It's called "I work for a complete narcissist" I received some absolutely amazing support on it, right down to the day I left my job! do have a read, it may help x

Also know that when you leave someone else will become their target.

You are not the first person these people have bullied and you won’t be the last.

This is how they exist - they have to push others down so that they can keep their own flawed egos afloat. How sad that their own internal worlds are so toxic, bitter and ugly that they have to continually emotionally discharge outwards.

It must be grim being them - at least you can move on to brighter things - they are stuck with themselves.

How awful for you but congratulations on your new job!

Just did your hours. Only do what you can do. Take any leave or flexi due to you. The time will soon be gone.

If you really are not well enough you need to go to the doctor. It's perfectly understandable being signed off for stress in a pandemic even without bullying.

I believe in you. You've got this!

@Pebbledashery

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I did a thread on my narcissist CEO, It's called "I work for a complete narcissist" I received some absolutely amazing support on it, right down to the day I left my job! do have a read, it may help x

Was just thinking of you and how well you survived that awful woman...

Any update from your former colleagues?

@billy1966 yes actually, I speak to my friend there still, she said since I left, 3 other people have handed in her notice! they are down to 1 member of support staff now!

[quote Pebbledashery]@billy1966 yes actually, I speak to my friend there still, she said since I left, 3 other people have handed in her notice! they are down to 1 member of support staff now![/quote]
Well, well, well, that didn't take long.

Not surprising.

Often when 1 leaves a toxic situation it motivates others to do so too.

Such a sudden deficit of staff is devastating for most organisations.....how satisfying 😗