My daughter told me she was raped - need advice

[Helem]

My 18 yo dd has just told me that. It was about 4 months ago (when she was 17)

There had been a party and somehow something of hers had ended up at this boy's flat - a friend of a schoolmate of hers. She texted him on Snapchat and went over there with a friend to get it. Boy says she need to do a favour to get it back. Dd thinks he's being silly. Then, when she says she's there, he says only she can come up and her friend needs to wait. She thinks weird but whatever. She goes up, boy is alone in flat. Takes her into room, locks the door and rapes her. Dd says she submitted because she was alone and the door was locked and she was scared. She told a friend, the schoolmate and her sister at the time. But she didn't tell us until now.

We don't live in UK. Live in a country with not the best understanding of rape (boy was expat too). Not even sure if dd wants to do anything but I want to fuck that bastard over.

Not sure even what I'm asking. Just lying here in bed, wide awake.

💐 It’s fucking shit.

All I can say is not to pressure her to do anything she isn’t ready to do and if she starts voicing guilt or any thoughts that it was her fault for trusting him, be fierce with her that she was not to blame.

Do you have an equivalent of rape crisis where you are? Could you call the UK branch for advice on how to support her if not?

She was voicing guilt and shame , thats why she didn't tell us. Partly because the 'thing' he took was drugs related. But thats immaterial. He actually premeditated and planned this. And he's a fucking teenager.

There might be a rape crisis centre but it'll be in the local language which we don't speak well at all. We're kind of on our own on this one.

Your daughter needs your love and support, nothing else at this stage.
She ought to seek talking therapy when she's ready.
I don't know what else to suggest, your poor girl, and you OP must be so upset on her behalf. (& Want horrible things to happen to the rapist)

Right well obviously the priority is her- as I'm sure you're focusing on. And you, because I can't imagine how awful you feel.

However.....what's the local expat community like? Is it small? Big? Are you going to come across him or his parents again?

So, I'm asking because in a not dissimilar situation- and I am fucking proud of it, actually- we spread work amongst the expat community. The perpetrator was never welcome amongst that community again which, given he struggled with the local language, meant he had an utterly miserable time as he worked out his contract. I realise that sounds really immature and bullying, and it was, but it definitely helped the victim feel empowered and respected again. It also protected her as she never had to deal with him again.

There is also the concern that, given it sounded premeditated, that she may not be the only victim....

She has a psychologist she sees due to anxiety and depression but said she doesn't want to tell him. We may need a specialist, maybe remote from the uk

Is paying privately for counselling an option if she wants it?

Surely it must be possible to have sessions over zoom/skype with a counsellor who works in English if she wants it and the language is the only barrier?

I'm so sorry to read this. I would add that can you get her to have std tests?

@Curioushorse

Right well obviously the priority is her- as I'm sure you're focusing on. And you, because I can't imagine how awful you feel.

However.....what's the local expat community like? Is it small? Big? Are you going to come across him or his parents again?

So, I'm asking because in a not dissimilar situation- and I am fucking proud of it, actually- we spread work amongst the expat community. The perpetrator was never welcome amongst that community again which, given he struggled with the local language, meant he had an utterly miserable time as he worked out his contract. I realise that sounds really immature and bullying, and it was, but it definitely helped the victim feel empowered and respected again. It also protected her as she never had to deal with him again.

There is also the concern that, given it sounded premeditated, that she may not be the only victim....

Its a massive expat community. The rapist is a kid at one of the international schools, not the one dd goes to. I'm sure he'll do it again if this is what he's doing at 17!

@AdultHumanWhale

Is paying privately for counselling an option if she wants it?

Surely it must be possible to have sessions over zoom/skype with a counsellor who works in English if she wants it and the language is the only barrier?

Yes, in fact its the only option for us. No nhs here!

@ineedanewnameplease

I'm so sorry to read this. I would add that can you get her to have std tests?

She said he put a condom on but I guess she should be tested nonetheless

I'm so sorry that he has done this to her.

I don't have any advice other than to do what I'm sure you are already doing, trying to reassure her that no matter what he took of hers to lure her to his flat, this is all on him, it's not her fault. Nothing she did caused this, and she doesn't deserve to have had it done to her.

Keep telling her you love her and that you want her to talk to you whenever she feels able to, because you will listen and not judge. Tell her you will do whatever she wants, report it, don't report it, get therapy or don't, whatever she wants and needs.

Check the laws, particularly if you are in the Middle East as reporting it may not be a good idea.

Sorry your daughter has been through this.

I'm unsure about where you are OP, but please be careful about advice telling you to report to the police, or have it "logged" (I see that monkey has already touched on issues in the ME)

In the UK any such report will have to be investigated, often with great distress to the victim after a well meaning friend / relative has reported on their behalf.

Sadly I would not even consider suggesting to report it.

OP has said the country is not good on rape. And it was 4 months ago. Zero point and will be very upsetting for DD.

All you can do is look after her. Keep reminding her it was not get fault at all. She did nothing wrong. That he is a violent predator. That given the opportunity he'd have done that to another girl.

Did her MH problems start around the same time? If so, and she doesn't want to discuss it with therapist, then not sure therapy is a good idea tbh.

Everyone's different but if it is linked to what happened then I think having to have your psyche probed, your past, to have to reflect on things might be counter productive.

The fact that the attacker is obviously very dangerous and there's not anything you can do about it is horrible but you need to put your DD first.

Mental health problems started long before. That's kind of why she was in that situation, she was at such a low point and really quite vulnerable. She's much more stable and clear headed now thankfully. She has a lovely psychiatrist who always makes time to talk with her and discuss things so DD has said she will speak with her. Hopefully she can give us some good advice.

In the country we're in, police response can be very variable, lots of old-fashioned thinking but also more awareness. They just chagned their rape law to increase the time that it can be reported from a few months to something like 20 years. But they might not be the most sensitive and there could be a lot of questions asked.

I think I'm going to call the British Embassy and ask for their advice in terms of what to expect. Then my daughter can make more an informed decision what to do. I'm going to have to suppress my desire for revenge - I've seriously been dreaming about the things I want to do to this boy. I know the school that this boy goes to and I'm so tempted to phone the school, they need to be warned.

Are you at Dubai or the emirates or anywhere where rape may equate to adultery? If so, staying silent and getting her the help she needs abroad may be the safest option.

@GrandmasCat

Are you at Dubai or the emirates or anywhere where rape may equate to adultery? If so, staying silent and getting her the help she needs abroad may be the safest option.

No, we're not. The worst threat here is insensitive police response or just inaction.

I've just spoken with the British Embassy who were so lovely and sympathetic and have trained officers in handling these kind of cases. I'm waiting for someone to call me back to talk me through my dd's options and what she might expect if she takes this forward.

I'm so proud and grateful to be British right now. I just spoke with a police officer who is part of the diplomatic mission and he explained everything to me and how things might work. Makes me appreciate just how far the UK has come in addressing issues of rape. And also the support the British embassy can give when engaging with the police here and supporting my DD if she chooses to take it forward. Also they have a service for rape survivors based in the UK that they work with that DD can access as a British national abroad. Really great, I feel very appreciative we have this support.

OP I'm glad you're feeling more positive, even if this is just an awful situation.

I don't have any advice. Just sympathy. It would be a very complicated case anywhere.

I'm glad the embassy is supportive.

Ultimately, it was his actions and responsibility. Resssure her that it's not her behaviour/ clothing/ choices etc to blame. 100% him. Be there and support as necessary.

It sounds like you are getting good support, and being very supportive to your daughter. Speaking from experience, it's awful beyond belief and don't expect any quick resolution. You are likely at the start of a journey.

Please look into getting some support yourself. You'll find you are a "secondary survivor" which can be hugely difficult (it was for me). This might be worth reading: crisiscenterbham.org/_pdfs/rape_response/vol6-family.pdf

I'm delighted she told you. It's a huge burden for you, but you are providing amazing support to her.

I'm not sure if you have an experience of this in your real life, but there is no quick fix, you'll have to be very patient with your DD and with yourself. I wish your DD and family all the best.

I'm so glad that your DD felt able to be honest with you and that you are able to access some support.

A lot of people will get very gung ho wanting you to report it, get someone to "sort out" the perpetrator etc. However, difficult as it is, it is critical you take your DD's lead in this. Your desire for justice and revenge is very understandable. But most victims do not report even in the UK because they rightly think that the prospect of conviction or even prosecution is nil and the engagement with the justice system is very frequently a retraumatisation or an additional trauma on top of the rape. If your DD wants to go to the police, absolutely support her, but please try your hardest not to influence or pressure her one way or the other. Similarly, as much as you want to stick nails through this arsehole's eyes, and I'm right there with you, that generally just makes the victim more traumatised and afraid, because now she feels she is in a world where violence is always a hair's breadth away and can come even from those she loves the most. Seek support away from her to vent your own anger and frustration.

I am a rape survivor and I didn't report. I have also never told my mother. I regret neither decision because both would have made my life harder and worse. She was able to come to you which already makes her streets ahead of many. Good therapy and support got me past it. I will never be quite the same again, but I don't regret my scars, or the strength they've given me.

I do tend to feel that his school needs to know if your daughter gives your approval to report it. I assume it is an international school and they would want to adhere to international/British if British school standards, be aware of the current issues and keep up with what's being done in the UK about this etc.

@BogRollBOGOF

I'm glad the embassy is supportive.

Ultimately, it was his actions and responsibility. Resssure her that it's not her behaviour/ clothing/ choices etc to blame. 100% him. Be there and support as necessary.

Of course. Goes without saying. She did nothing wrong, being trusting is not a crime.