My daughter told me she was raped - need advice

[Helem]

My 18 yo dd has just told me that. It was about 4 months ago (when she was 17)

There had been a party and somehow something of hers had ended up at this boy's flat - a friend of a schoolmate of hers. She texted him on Snapchat and went over there with a friend to get it. Boy says she need to do a favour to get it back. Dd thinks he's being silly. Then, when she says she's there, he says only she can come up and her friend needs to wait. She thinks weird but whatever. She goes up, boy is alone in flat. Takes her into room, locks the door and rapes her. Dd says she submitted because she was alone and the door was locked and she was scared. She told a friend, the schoolmate and her sister at the time. But she didn't tell us until now.

We don't live in UK. Live in a country with not the best understanding of rape (boy was expat too). Not even sure if dd wants to do anything but I want to fuck that bastard over.

Not sure even what I'm asking. Just lying here in bed, wide awake.

@drspouse

I do tend to feel that his school needs to know if your daughter gives your approval to report it. I assume it is an international school and they would want to adhere to international/British if British school standards, be aware of the current issues and keep up with what's being done in the UK about this etc.

I might anonymously speak to the safeguarding lead at that school to make them aware of the allegations. Police officer at the embassy told me it was likely there had been allegations previously since the crime was so severe as well as planned and premeditated. You don't usually become a rapist like that overnight. Perhaps there ahve been other allegations the school is aware of.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I'm so glad that your DD felt able to be honest with you and that you are able to access some support.

A lot of people will get very gung ho wanting you to report it, get someone to "sort out" the perpetrator etc. However, difficult as it is, it is critical you take your DD's lead in this. Your desire for justice and revenge is very understandable. But most victims do not report even in the UK because they rightly think that the prospect of conviction or even prosecution is nil and the engagement with the justice system is very frequently a retraumatisation or an additional trauma on top of the rape. If your DD wants to go to the police, absolutely support her, but please try your hardest not to influence or pressure her one way or the other. Similarly, as much as you want to stick nails through this arsehole's eyes, and I'm right there with you, that generally just makes the victim more traumatised and afraid, because now she feels she is in a world where violence is always a hair's breadth away and can come even from those she loves the most. Seek support away from her to vent your own anger and frustration.

I am a rape survivor and I didn't report. I have also never told my mother. I regret neither decision because both would have made my life harder and worse. She was able to come to you which already makes her streets ahead of many. Good therapy and support got me past it. I will never be quite the same again, but I don't regret my scars, or the strength they've given me.

It's so hard. I really really am suppressing my desire to locate that boy and commit grievous bodily harm.

I just spoke with safeguarding lead at this boy's school.
It'll be anonymous until claims are made with the police (if that happens).
But I feel better that this boy can be identified and the allegations against him recorded somewhere, just in case something has happened before/will happen in the future.
The safeguarding at the boy's school took this very seriously thankfully,. It hits me again just what a serious crime has been committed against my daughter. This isn't just a boy behaving a bit inappropriately. This is a full-on premeditated and planned rape.

OP you said: this is a full-on premeditated and planned rape.

Yes, it appears to be based on your description. That is by far the most common situation we encounter in cases. He's possibly done this before, and will likely do it again. In prosecutions, the incidences that a jury gets exposed to are typically only a portion of the material. There is typically an escalation in behavior.