You are only ever as happy as your saddest child

[Inastatus]

I am so relating to that saying tonight and I’m not very happy at all!
DS (14) had an important event this morning which he was nervous about and it would have meant so much to him if he had done well. He gets very anxious about things and needs lots of reassurance. He did really badly and he is absolutely gutted. I’ve had numerous pep talks with him following the event, reassured him a thousand times that’s it’s great that he took part and he should be happy for his friends who did better and he’ll get another shot next time etc etc. But inside I’m aching for him.

Then DD (16) has just come down in floods of tears because she has found out her boyfriend is planning to cheat on her. I held her and listened to her but I can’t make it better.

I know these two issues are part and parcel of normal life/growing up and there are far worse things out there that can happen but this must be the worst part of parenting.

So sorry, OP. It's horrible to see your children upset.

Yep, it's absolutely awful

Absolutely agree with you.

You can help your daughter by telling her to dump him quickly, before he cheats, and to not say that's why she's dumping him, but because he's too boring to keep on seeing. Oh and that that smell - she's tried to get used to it, but she just can't.

Ugh, torture 😣

They’ll be ok, they have a loving family, a mum they can talk to. They’ll build resilience and strategies.

It’ll be right

True.

I was thinking of this saying just yesterday. My sister's ds has been suffering mentally for quite some time now, and she feels helpless and sad most of the time.
I was saying to my sil that all we want is for our children to be happy. My ds is very happy, he's forever bouncing around trying to make me laugh, but my heart still aches for my sister and my nephew.

Totally agree. 🍷 is it really hard...

So very, very true. I have been throught the mill with DD so many times. When she is happy so am I. When she isn't I feel her unhappiness through my bones.

100% agree! My DS 10 has switched schools due to bullying, he's awaiting an autism assessment, he's so lacking in confidence and most days my heart is just breaking for him. It's soul destroying when your child is hurting and you can't seem to fix it no matter how hard you try.

OMG yes. It's so tough

“Planning on cheating”? Wtf! Yes, she should dump him before he does. However, I know you have to let them make their own decisions/mistakes But I’m dreading that

Definitely agree with this

I agree, it is so hard.

Oh for the toddlers days when we had the power to make everything right for them.

Thank you so much everyone.

@HollowTalk and @BrutusMcDogface - she has already told him they are finished. I’m proud of her for doing that but I know she’s heartbroken.

I’m sorry for everyone else whose children are struggling.

So true! So hard isn't it. Sorry you've had a rough day. "Planning" on cheating, what a shit thing to do. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you all

Thank you @LouLou198 - yes, he messaged his friend to ask if he wanted to meet up with a couple of girls in our nearby town tomorrow. The friend is going out with my DD’s friend who sent my DD a screenshot of the message. DD confronted him and he tried to wriggle out of it but obviously she has all the evidence she needs 🙁 He’s history.

Oh yes, DS1 has struggled more than thrived since puberty basically, he's now nearly 23 and still at home. Somehow lockdown wasnt quite a bad as it might have been as at long last he had a fun girlfriend and was also coping with online college, even passed his driving test. Until last weekend that is when his girlfriend decided they should just be friends, strain of long distance relationship i think. He's back to being a big fun sponge again and somehow drawing attention to himself by demanding to be left alone if anyone goes anywhere near him.

This is so true op. I’m so so anxious about my ds19 - lots going on right now and I’m beside myself with helplessness.

My heart goes out to you and them. I hate watching DC go through pain, especially for the first time, when they are too young to really handle it emotionally.

Best advice (not that you asked for it) is to teach them how to do extreme self care when they are down rather than turn against themselves. So run them bubble baths, put on their favourite feel good music and films and comedies, lay out their snuggliest clothes, cook their favourite food, maybe buy them a small treat - an item of clothing or a bit of pampering.

And gently withoiut going on about it, help them learn about resilience and how the most succesdful people aren;t the ones who succeed all the time but the ones who pick themselves up after each failure,. Also teach them self worth and to evaluate people who treat them badly and not see it as a judgement of them not being worth treating well, but a chance for them to judge that person's behaviour and decide: do I want that in my life? Do I respect that behaviour? Do I choose to continue to activate it by being around that person?

Not easy but lay the seeds. I spent years trying to tell DS that he is in control of how he reacts to a situation and finally today he told me he read somewhere that we can control how we react to bad stuff, and he realised it was true! Six years of laying the seeds and he needed to hear it somewhere else, not from his mum, to hear it. But all we can do is build their resilience and give them lots of love and a safe haven to come back to if life has kicked them.

Absolutely agree and a very timely post, my teen DS has been struggling this week and it’s made me so sad. I want to fix it for him, like I would when he was little and I can’t. Long for those younger days.

Ah, well done to your daughter. I’m impressed that she’s showing him that she respects herself and won’t be treated like that. ❤️

Never a truer saying! Had so many sad times with all my three and the pain you feel for them is heartbreaking.

@Cowbells, a fantastic post and one that I will remember for my DS.

@Cowbells

My heart goes out to you and them. I hate watching DC go through pain, especially for the first time, when they are too young to really handle it emotionally.

Best advice (not that you asked for it) is to teach them how to do extreme self care when they are down rather than turn against themselves. So run them bubble baths, put on their favourite feel good music and films and comedies, lay out their snuggliest clothes, cook their favourite food, maybe buy them a small treat - an item of clothing or a bit of pampering.

And gently withoiut going on about it, help them learn about resilience and how the most succesdful people aren;t the ones who succeed all the time but the ones who pick themselves up after each failure,. Also teach them self worth and to evaluate people who treat them badly and not see it as a judgement of them not being worth treating well, but a chance for them to judge that person's behaviour and decide: do I want that in my life? Do I respect that behaviour? Do I choose to continue to activate it by being around that person?

Not easy but lay the seeds. I spent years trying to tell DS that he is in control of how he reacts to a situation and finally today he told me he read somewhere that we can control how we react to bad stuff, and he realised it was true! Six years of laying the seeds and he needed to hear it somewhere else, not from his mum, to hear it. But all we can do is build their resilience and give them lots of love and a safe haven to come back to if life has kicked them.

@Cowbells - thank you, that is brilliant advice.

Oh so totally true! If I had known that is was not possible to completely seperate yourself from your children's pain, I am not sure I would have believed I was up to being a parent.