Had an abortion and now my brother is expecting

[NYAM123]

Not really sure if anyone has been in this situation or what advice you can offer but friendly shoulders are welcome.

In April I found out I was pregnant with my partner. We're still a relatively new couple and had only been together four or five months (we don't even live together yet). I'm 27 and always wanted kids by the time I was 28 but unfortunately, only being with my partner for a few months, we made the decision that the timing wasn't what we wanted and I had a termination. It was a horrible experience and I was thoroughly unprepared mentally for all the emotions I felt. I don't regret my decision but it didn't make the total upheaval of my emotions much fun.

My termination was five weeks ago, at eight weeks. I'm still bleeding but on the whole I felt fine emotionally, a little relieved and just happy to be back to my normal busy self. I went back to work and enjoyed my life after weeks of feeling sick and tired 24/7. But then yesterday my mum text me to tell me I was going to be an auntie and that my older brother is having a baby with his long-term girlfriend. I just started to cry and explained to my partner who I was with at the time, how I felt it a bit of a kick in the teeth from the universe that this child would be born just a few weeks after ours would have been and how freaked out I was at the thought that for the rest of my life I'd have a not so gentle reminder of what 'could have been' in the form of my niece/nephew. He understood and was sympathetic.

But when I explained it to my mum, she didn't seem to get it and her response was that "they (my brother and partner) have every right to choose to have this baby" and that "I would have to just embrace being an auntie" and that "people have babies every day and that I can't stop them just because I decided not to have one" (abolsutely NOT what I was implying at all.)

My baby would have been due over Christmas and now all I can think about is how excited everyone will be by then about the new baby and it terrifies me because I had already quietly admitted to myself that Christmas was going to feel a little sad. Now I'm dreading being around my brother and his very pregnant girlfriend reminding me of what 'could have been' and their child. I'm dreading my mum knitting booties and blankets for this child and buying baby clothes for them at Christmas and I just feel really overwhelmed with how unfair this feels. I know Im being irrational and selfish but also this is the first time I've cried about the abortion. It feels as though my pain and trauma have suddenly become irrelevant before I've even had time to come to terms with it. I feel as though I've had very little time to process all of this before this happened.

What can I do to not be so overwhelmed and can someone please reassure me I'm not being a bitter B?

Can you get some counselling? This sounds a bit too big for you to process on your own.

I can understand why this would be upsetting. Your mother’s response is harsh and uncaring.
Keep reminding yourself of the reason you made the decision you did and put on a brave face when you see your brother.

Agree with poster saying focus on why you made that decision, which you felt was right for you. I think you know you’re being unfair and your situation shouldn’t take away from your brothers joy and that of the
Family, but these things are complex.
Counselling may help as it does sound like you’ve not processed the abortion properly

Hi OP. Your feelings are valid, and counselling is a really good idea.

When I was 18 I fell pregnant at the same time as my best friend. I had an abortion at 12 weeks and she went on to have a baby... my godson.

Every now and then I do think about what could have been, he is a reminder of things, but I'm at peace with my decision and that helps.

You need to separate the two issues, your brother and his partner expecting (good news) and your own abortion regret. Look at counselling to deal with your own decision.

Of course you're not being a bitch. Emotions are emotions, there are no bad ones (though some are horrid to experience). It might be that your mum wasn't the right person to talk to about this as she will naturally be excited about the new arrival and misunderstood what you were saying probably as a result of trying not to undermine that. Is there a friend or ideally a counsellor or something you can talk to? I think it's completely ok to feel like like this but it might help you to focus on why you made your decision as a pp said, and try to find a way of channelling the feeling of having missed out on something you wanted into showering your new family member with attention. After all, this new baby will not be just your brother's kid or your mum's grandchild but will be your niece/nephew too.

You maybe need help to process things as you sound a lot more upset than your boyfriend, understandable as it was you who to physically go through it. That being said your mum wasn't wrong in what she said. You didn't have a miscarriage, you chose to have a termination , its ok to have unresolved feelings about it but it was still a decision you chose. Get the help you need and be happy for your brother.

Well, you are being unreasonable and bitter, but I think it's understandable and tbh, I'd feel the same way.
You need to try and separate your logical brain from your emotional one. There are reasons you chose not to have a baby, they are very valid reasons.
If you change your mind, you can plan for a baby with your partner (providing he's willing) and you'll have a chance to get ready.
I had an unexpected baby. He was not planned at all, DH and I didn't live together at the time but had signed for a flat together.
It was really hard as I wasn't ready, emotionally, financially and physically!

I agree with having counselling. You don't want to have a negative relationship with your niece or nephew or your brother and his gf. It's bound to feel raw right now and if this is the first time you're dealing with what's happened, then at the very least, you're on the first step to recovery!

Aww OP, I completely sympathise, I'm so sorry this timing has been so shit for you.

A friend of mine felt similarly as an old schoolmate announced her pregnancy just as my friend ended hers and she was worried the constant photos and reminders on FB would be too much for her, and that's not nearly as close as you're talking about.

Your mum is not being very sensitive at all. Even if she disagrees with your decision you're still her daughter and in pain.

I think it would help for you to speak to someone, and aside from speaking to your doctor for a referral to counselling, I've done a quick google and there are a few different helplines you could call who would be able to support you through this.

Just keep reminding yourself that the decision was hard but the right thing for you x

@BirthdayCakeBelly

I can understand why this would be upsetting. Your mother’s response is harsh and uncaring. Keep reminding yourself of the reason you made the decision you did and put on a brave face when you see your brother.

I agree.

It is, however, not untypical of a parent who is seeing the issue from a purely pragmatic view point. Mums are famous for 'chivvying' their children on and often appear lacking in empathy. From her point of view, you made your choice, end of, life goes on for everyone else and so it will for you. And it will, op, I promise you.

I hope you feel better soon and the ordeal you foresee is not as bad as you anticipate.

Nobody knows how they are going to feel after an abortion. You are doing fine!

It's absolutely going to be hard. And realistically the only way you're going to get over it is by having a child of your own or mentally compartmentalising. Sorry if that seems harsh.

Some people are being really harsh on OP here. She isn't being 'unfair' or 'unreasonable' as she's not actually expecting anything of her brother or his girlfriend, or even her mum. She has turned to her mum in grief, talking about her own feelings, she is not upset with her brother for this news. I think her mum has been cruel and dismissive.

I can completely see why someone would be upset at facing such a tough decision, going through it with all the upset and trauma that might cause, and then finding out that there is going to be a new baby of exactly the same age born into close family, so every little thing could potentially be a reminder through the years of what OP could have had.

Yes it's a choice, of course, but that doesn't mean it was an easy one or that it doesn't come with severe pain.

NYAM, PS: I just want to add that, hard as it has been, I think you made the right decision, especially considering you haven't been with your partner very long.

It's a pity your mother had to know (though I know we do tell our mothers things, it's natural); I hope your brother doesn't know.

Thank you all. I think I was taken a back because when I had the abortion and was getting back to work my mum had warned me, having been through this herself, that something might trigger me to be upset down the road and that I could talk to her if that happened, so when I did I hadn't anticipated feeling so invalidated. She'll make a wonderful grandmother. Yes, I made a choice that was best for me. Doesn't mean I didn't curse the universe for their timing a little.

I'd like to be excited and any other time I would be, had this been last year or next I'd have had time on my side.

It's just a lot to process right now. I see lots of suggestions of counselling which I will consider. I really thought I was at peace with my decision but this was just too close to home for my liking right now. I am happy for him and her, they're a lovely couple. In my heart of hearts I'm still dreading it a bit.

It’s totally understandable that you are having feelings like this and that doesn’t take away from the fact that the termination was absolutely the right choice for you and your life, these two things can exist together. Your mum’s reaction sounded really harsh - did she not agree with your decision to terminate? I can imagine my mother rubbing it in my face this way if she didn’t agree - but I’d never tell her I had a termination to begin with!

I understand. My IVF failed and then my brother announced he was having a baby that would be due around the same time mine would have been if it had worked. My mum is over the moon and while I’m trying to be happy for them it hits a little close to the bone. It’ll take time I think and I’m hoping that when the baby is born and becomes an actual person rather than just the idea of a baby it will be easier. In the meantime Imjust trying to be kind to myself and only talking about my feelings to those I feel get it (not my mum).

@Dogoodfeelgood I'm so sorry your mother would have behaved that way. No, she was really supportive of my decision and did everything she could to help, I couldn't have done it without her really, as I said above, I thought she'd understand but if anything she made me feel worse on this occasion :(

You aren't being bitter and your reaction is quite understandable. Your Mum doesn't sound very kind. I'd givd her a wide berth for a bit and maybe think about having counselling.

Just because you decided having a baby at that moment wasn't right for you, does not mean that it wasn't a hard decision and that you had no emotions for the baby. Abortion, for whatever reason, is an enormously hard experience to mentally cope with in general. I am sorry that your mum does not fully understand that.

Does your brother know what happened with your pregnancy? If so, could you tell him that you are happy for them, but that you will engage with his baby news whenever you feel ready?

You are still very early days after your termination & the resulting hormone crash can leave your emotions all over the place for a lot longer than the initial physical effects - that will hopefully have all worn off in a couple of months & you will find it easier to process being an auntie in plenty of time for the baby arriving. In the mean time, lots of self care - bubble baths, cheesey movies, nights out with the girls- whatever makes you feel good & maybe talk to someone else rather than your mum if she doesn’t get it. Be kind to yourself & hang on in there, it will get easier x

It's rubbish timing of course as the baby will make you think of the choice you made. But you made it for what you thought was the right reasons and it is something you will have to deal with otherwise you will make yourself ill .

very understandable and i so feel for you. DH and I were childless by circumstance not choice and I really thought I was fine with it until I hit menopause and "no kids ever" became reality. For six months or so I couldn't be around all the young mums and mums to be at work...luckily I could avoid without making a thing of it.
I have no advice to add except to say be kind to yourself and to your partner and (if you can) to your Mum too...grandparents can also be grieving for what is lost. And i wish you future happiness.

Maybe your mum is just worried you might be tying negative emotions to your brothers baby and doesn't want it to become an issue around them.
Telling you people have babies everyday might just be her way of saying the world keeps turning and you can't let your grief overshadow other people's happiness.

I agree she could've done with more empathy, but some people aren't experienced with dealing with grief especially if they haven't gone through it themselves.
You definitely should talk to someone more experienced to help deal with your own feelings.

I think it's a difficult one.

Your mum didn't come across as very sympathetic, but would just platitudes have been enough?

Realistically, what did you want/expect her to say?