Had an abortion and now my brother is expecting

[NYAM123]

Not really sure if anyone has been in this situation or what advice you can offer but friendly shoulders are welcome.

In April I found out I was pregnant with my partner. We're still a relatively new couple and had only been together four or five months (we don't even live together yet). I'm 27 and always wanted kids by the time I was 28 but unfortunately, only being with my partner for a few months, we made the decision that the timing wasn't what we wanted and I had a termination. It was a horrible experience and I was thoroughly unprepared mentally for all the emotions I felt. I don't regret my decision but it didn't make the total upheaval of my emotions much fun.

My termination was five weeks ago, at eight weeks. I'm still bleeding but on the whole I felt fine emotionally, a little relieved and just happy to be back to my normal busy self. I went back to work and enjoyed my life after weeks of feeling sick and tired 24/7. But then yesterday my mum text me to tell me I was going to be an auntie and that my older brother is having a baby with his long-term girlfriend. I just started to cry and explained to my partner who I was with at the time, how I felt it a bit of a kick in the teeth from the universe that this child would be born just a few weeks after ours would have been and how freaked out I was at the thought that for the rest of my life I'd have a not so gentle reminder of what 'could have been' in the form of my niece/nephew. He understood and was sympathetic.

But when I explained it to my mum, she didn't seem to get it and her response was that "they (my brother and partner) have every right to choose to have this baby" and that "I would have to just embrace being an auntie" and that "people have babies every day and that I can't stop them just because I decided not to have one" (abolsutely NOT what I was implying at all.)

My baby would have been due over Christmas and now all I can think about is how excited everyone will be by then about the new baby and it terrifies me because I had already quietly admitted to myself that Christmas was going to feel a little sad. Now I'm dreading being around my brother and his very pregnant girlfriend reminding me of what 'could have been' and their child. I'm dreading my mum knitting booties and blankets for this child and buying baby clothes for them at Christmas and I just feel really overwhelmed with how unfair this feels. I know Im being irrational and selfish but also this is the first time I've cried about the abortion. It feels as though my pain and trauma have suddenly become irrelevant before I've even had time to come to terms with it. I feel as though I've had very little time to process all of this before this happened.

What can I do to not be so overwhelmed and can someone please reassure me I'm not being a bitter B?

Definitely a good point above that once your niece or nephew is here they’ll become their own person and this may be much easier to deal with for you rather than just the idea of “a baby”. I’m glad your mum was supportive, it sounds like she didn’t intend to be insensitive, some people are just bad at saying the right thing, even if they care or are attempting to make you feel better. Reaching out to a friend that’s not connected to your brother would be a good idea to get it off your chest. Xxx

I right this from some the perspective of some comparable experience.... You can chose how you think about your brothers child and the comparisons that you make.

I had an MC at 20 weeks - a baby that I longed for. A very close friend did not know that she was pregnant and gave birth on my due date. I felt like the universe was laughing at me. My friend was in deep shock and some degree of trauma. We all knew the significance of the date and it hung in the air for a while until I mentioned it. But I knew it was only coincidence and that my baby would have been very different to mine. We did discuss my adopting the baby, but I knew that would not be right for her, us or our relationship. I am god mother and she has never made me think of the baby that I lost, although I do think about my little girl but as a separate and different entity. I hope and wish for the same for you.

You made your choice for good and valid reasons and you can choose not to compare timelines. A new niece / nephew is great news and you should be kinder to yourself.

I write!!!!!! Oh Jeez!

I had exactly (I mean exactly) the same experience. Came out of the blue and I really struggled to talk at the time about my emotions - I just cried a long time. I couldn't even understand myself and how I was feeling and that was frustrating. Almost like I felt some relief but also sadness / grief and just 'typical' that this had to happen as a reminder around age etc but I am definitely trying to just trying to put everything into different boxes in my head to deal with those things and take it one step at a time!

🌹

@Peoniesandpeaches

I understand. My IVF failed and then my brother announced he was having a baby that would be due around the same time mine would have been if it had worked. My mum is over the moon and while I’m trying to be happy for them it hits a little close to the bone. It’ll take time I think and I’m hoping that when the baby is born and becomes an actual person rather than just the idea of a baby it will be easier. In the meantime Imjust trying to be kind to myself and only talking about my feelings to those I feel get it (not my mum).

This must be so hard. I hope things work out for you.