Anyone have a partner on the spectrum, could you help with ths?

[CheerDays]

I love my DP dearly. He’s the most amazing man and I feel lucky everyday to have met him. I knew he was on the spectrum early on, guess I didn’t think much of it, all his habits and so on I just totally get and love. Some things have been challenging and I guess I just want a steer on whether this is the spectrum or is it something else?

He likes to have time to think and will express it in that way.. I need to think. This can mean staring into space for minutes at a time when we are mid discussion about something that really needs a yes or no response. When busy or needing to know something quickly, this is really frustrating and early on I often wondered if he was doing it intentionally to wind me up

He takes forever to confirm a plan, which used to make me wonder if he was even bothered about me. Every time he would eventually confirm and we’d have a great time, but it would take maybe 2 days for him to have a think and confirm. This could be something simple like shall we nip to Sainsbury’s for sandwiches before we leave, for example.

He’s reserved with emotions. He’s said some lovely things to me but he seems very careful about what he says. Everything seems carefully thought out, he’s not flippant with affection in that way. He rarely says he misses me unless I say it first.

The other day I was cooking at his and noticed the fish he wanted me to cook was out of date by a long long time. I told him and said shall I go out for some more, he seemed alarmed by this, said he had ruined the night by not making sure the salmon was in date. He said he was ok to eat it anyway but he knew I wouldn’t be. I checked the fridge and there was leftover chicken, said I didn’t want to risk the fish so I would cook that for him and the chicken for me. He eventually accepted that but intermittently and even in the week that followed he mentioned it and apologised for making a disruption to what I had planned to eat with him?!

We don’t tend to argue at all but the times we have done he will often shut down and not say a world but just look totally confused. I will ask him something and I’m just met with silence.

He said the other day he takes things literally and while he does get a joke, I need to remember he takes things at face value. This came out of nowhere really, though I can be very sarcastic sometimes which I’ve toned down with him.

Has anyone else experienced this and I am right to attribute it to being on the spectrum? I went to do my absolute best by him and us and went to understand as best I can.

Anyone?

Has he ever been tested for autism?

I am on the spectrum and a processing delay is widely considered to be a symptom.

Have you spoken to him about this? I am an autistic person in a relationship with a non autistic person and the biggest strength of our relationship is that we both acknowledge the differences in how we see the world.

For example we are away, staying in a hotel- yesterday we needed to rush somewhere early in the morning at my request and missed breakfast in the hotel. My partner hates being late and also hates missing a meal and was very quiet all morning. I was very concerned I’d upset him as I hadn’t come up with a plan that satisfied both his requirements. Conversation goes like this:

Me: have I annoyed you with missing breakfast?
Him: no I’m just quiet this morning
Me: are you annoyed about the morning being a rush?
Him: no- I’m just quiet in the morning
Me: I am confused- usually you get grumpy over timekeeping problems and hunger, this morning we have had both and you are very quiet, but you tell me you are not grumpy?
Him: no I am genuinely fine, we had a big meal last night so I’m not too hungry and it actually looks like we will be early, which I like
Me: sorry I kept asking- I am using my previous experiences with you in the morning to try and work you out but I can’t just “read” it so the information about not actually being hungry helps me understand.
Him: Sorry, I’m actually fine so didn’t think to mention it, you can always ask.

Basically we try and be really open with each other about the step by step thought process which helps us both understand. Usually we end up laughing a lot about our different interpretations of a scenario!

My husband is autistic and this all sounds very typical. He does very similar things to what you have described. My oldest son is also autistic and like this too. The slow answers are common, and I find the response will be a good one and well thought out.

im autistic and im pretty sure my partner is too, although we present quite differently.
I think if he needs time to process changes or commitments then hes learned to do this to protect himself from stress.
Maybe worth talking to him about the fact that youve noticed that he needs this, but if there is any quick decision to be made, how does he want to handle it. Does he want to defer that to you, or can he have another strategy to deal with that ?

I think as a PP says, it comes down to making sure you are really clear with your communication. It becomes easy the more you practice it, and tbh, I think a lot of non autistics prefer clearer communication too, as so many people just expect you to be mindreaders and assume things.
Once you know that someone says what they mean and means what they say, that is such a good thing.
Try not to infer annoyance just because quiet, but also if there is annoyance, that doesnt make it personal. You can be annoyed with someone here and there without it being a massive deal. Theyll get over it if its something that couldnt be helped

Yes all of these are very spectrum-y. Especially in those that are able to mask effectively for significant periods of time. If he has actually has a diagnosis he is quite significantly affected and this will impact on your life together.

YY to the very little sense of time. Whether a long time has passed or a short time. Some of what you are saying is entirely due to this. I'm rather impressed he has the coping skills to tell you what he is doing. ExP just went quiet. I pass as normal, but when I'm tired or stressed ive been know to "ignore" people asking a question or saying hello, only to reply 5-10 mins later. Tell DS to wait there, he will wait, indefinitely. One second on the naughty step with DD was agonising. It's a really big deal that frequently gets missed when dealing with DD.

I dont know any ASD people who miss people in quite the same way.its a bit you're there and it's a good thing or im doing something else I dont need you here for or I want you here now and therefore I will seek you out. That sense of time again.

On the jokes front: I once joked at DD "dont do that or your end up under the patio", she pulled a face said"I always wanted a room under the patio". Under most social circumstances that would have passed for a quick come back, but I know because I know to check, it was completely literal. It's easy to miss what is being "got" and what is being missed . I'm guessing that's what your DP is trying to tell you.

Lockdown has made our whole family a bit worse. Less requirement to be normal.

My ds is on the spectrum and if my df wasn’t still alive I’d swear he was reincarnated! And much of this sounds quite familiar.

It’s very, very hard to adjust your own habits so while I’m making some suggestions it’s up to you to decide what your boundaries for accommodation are. Obviously it’s very different to make allowances for a child than for a partner.

It sounds to me like he has too many decisions to make and gets overwhelmed. Choosing whether to nip into to Sainsbury’s is a quick yes/no for you but it takes more processing energy for him. It can be useful to think about mental processing as the difference between driving and cycling uphill. You just press the accelerator on your brain and you don’t even notice the hill but he has to pedal against gravity.

Just changing your language to “let’s nip into Sainsbury’s” still allows for him to disagree if he doesn’t want to, but takes the weight of the decision away.

Sometimes it can be harder to accept disagreement to a proposal you’ve made than it is to come to a decision together. The thing about living with neurodiverse people is that it makes you hyper aware of your own thought patterns and idiosyncrasies (and that can be exhausting! But it’s only a fraction of what they have to do all day)

The humour thing is tricky. It’s as if the two meanings of a joke sit together twanging in his head. He gets the joke but the literal meaning is also sitting there. For a NT the literal interpretation would vanish instantly. I’m in the habit of helpfully adding “that was a joke” but I would never say anything mean or unkind as a joke.

Have you heard of “theory of mind”? It’s an idea that gets thrown around about asd, that people with asd lack the theory that other people have minds like them. Actually I think it’s a really useful concept to understand the way we neurotypicals are working from the assumption that everyone thinks like we do. I honestly think that our mental inflexibility is a big part of the problem.

Ok, ds autism dh possible autism here, I would say when he needs time to think he is definitely not winding you up, he needs more time to process what's being talked about due to being autistic. Same with making plans, this is very typical, he needs time to get his around doing something that he wasn't planning on doing and isn't in his routine. He probably doesn't miss you - not in a horrible way - but he will be focused on whatever he is doing now and know that he is going to see you at x time so to him there is no need to miss you. He probably struggles with expressing emotions, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel them at all just how to put that into words.

With the fish - he had it all planned and it went wrong, that's likely to have thrown him. He anticipated that it might have thrown/upset you too (because it did him) - people with autism can have a lot of empathy if they are in/have been in a situation and understand it. He was worried that you might feel like he did about the situation so he keeps apologising.

Taking things literally is very typical, struggles with sarcasm and knowing if you mean it or not is typical - but it can be difficult for you to read too, sometimes he will get that you're joking/being sarcastic and then you assume he always knows (which he won't).

He may struggle with arguments and not know how to handle it so shutting down feels safest. If you can both really work on communication ie him opening up more, talking about his feelings to help him understand them and you staying as calm as possible and discussing rather than getting angry/shouting if possible (and if you do!!) then it will really help your relationship. In fact I'd say it's really vital for both of you to help understand each other. You'll probably need to be very patient too x

Wow thanks so much for these responses. They’ve made me tearful as I suddenly don’t feel so alone!

With the missing me thing as you said @Tal45 that makes absolute sense. One time DP disappeared for a whole weekend, apparently doing work, and I hadn’t heard from him. I was convinced he’d met friends or someone else. The following week we saw his dad and his dad said ‘well it’s good to see you after being blanked from you all last weekend!’ So he’d obviously done the same to everyone else not just me.

I find it hard to understand as even when I’m very busy I will think I better send a quick message, I’ll just let DP know I’m thinking of him etc. I could be having the longest most hectic day and I would still do this.

From day one my DP always used to say communication was important, like it really bothered him. Can I ask, do you think contacting him as much as I do (couple of times a day, being soppy sometimes), is ok for him? I don’t want to overwhelm him.

One thing that has upset me is we’ve both said we love each other but he rarely has said it since (months ago now). I feel that he does in how we are together but it would be nice to hear it more

Having been with my DH for 20+ years who is on the spectrum, we often have our own language for things and communication is generally great between us.

He will say things like 'this is probably my autistic brain' when he expresses his perspective on something that might seem abrupt or mean to me, so he doesn't just jump in and offend me.

I will say things like 'you can't see my face at the moment but I'm smiling because this is funny!'

It's taken a lot of time, hours and hours and hours of talking things through. The aftermath of an argument can be more exhausting than the argument itself as he needs to understand every piece of the conversation/ gets obsessed with where blame lies/ fully understand how I am feeling etc but we are very very emotionally connected.

With regards to food and your scenario OP, my DH can be completely thrown by things not working out the way he has anticipated. I used to be very sympathetic but my tactic now is to use a heavy dose of humour to pull him through. He once tried to make us all home made pizza and spent lots of time and money getting it organised. The cooking of it went horribly wrong and one day will be a funny family joke but at the time he was enraged with himself and somehow us because it was inedible. That sort of thing could potentially be damaging but as his family, we know it's his rigid thinking that takes him there so we gave him space and reassurance and he's just about ready to join in the jokes about it!

"Communication is important". Does this mean anything to him? It sounds like repeated speech: something hes been told and then he repeats when people are stressed. it will usual work because people they reexplain what hes confused about. It could lead to a slight jarring for you if that doesn't really fit with the actual situation.

With ExDP I would have to say "this is really important, I need this" and then leave it. At some point in the next 6 months (literally) there would be some big nod to my request or whatever had upset me would be changed. When I stopped getting that I knew the relationship was over.

Posted too soon...

He needs lots of literal instructions to understand what others expectations are of him- so he thrives at work where he can perform in that way. In relationships, he struggles to know how much to give and can feel hurt when others don't reciprocate for 'busy life' reasons.

In our communication, I say things such as 'these are the things I love so much about you. I'd love to hear how you feel about us'.

He's also better at written words about how he feels than saying it aloud.

I would say that it might be out of your comfort zone to be forthright and very literal but it can really help your partner in the long run. If you need / would like more affection from him, you probably need to be clear about what that would look like so he can understand. It's not very Hollywood/ romantic storyline when you have to put it out there like that but my experience is that supporting my DH in this way has enabled him to be a wonderful husband and he then applies his 'learning' to other relationships too, which gives him a good sense of satisfaction that he is engaging in that way, even if it doesn't come completely naturally to him.

@Latte40 thanks so much that’s so helpful. The not saying he loves me unless I sort of push it... should I be worried?

I have a autistic child. Agree with everyone else that these are normal for someone autistic.
I’d really recommend having a think about what makes you feel loved, maybe look at the love languages book and then explicitly tell your DP what you need from them. It might seem forced but actually if they DO love you but aren’t making you feel that they may be relieved to have a guidebook on what to do.

You keep saying 'on the spectrum'

Is your partner actually autistic?

@roobicoobi yes he was diagnosed as a child but his sibling was much more severe and he was generally left to own devices to deal with it

My husband (diagnosed Asperger's) rarely tells me he loves me too, or takes photos of me. He will often take time out to try and work out his emotions/feelings about certain things that happen. Say things like "I've been thinking about why I do X, and I think it's because blah blah and because I have Asperger's". Although sometimes he's confused about having Asperger's at all, and has suggested that I might have it! I definitely don't btw. But usually he concludes that X happened because of his autism. He reads stuff on forums and sees that other autistic people do similar. Interestingly he never looks into situations that affect me due to his autism it's all just stuff he deals with himself (noise sensitivity etc).

Naming emotions can be really hard. Understanding that these collection of emotions is what most people call love isnt automatic.
He can love you without really knowing it. ExP talked in food, songs and deeply heartfelt birthday presents.

Sorry, I wasn't being goady.

I'm autistic too and I recognise so many of the things you mention. A slight deviation from what my mind thinks I'm doing (for instance having a different tea, another one will be when DH casually asks me to pick up his prescription when I'm out) will throw me into a bit of a stress. DH is used to it now and will either let me get on with it, knowing I am working though it in my head, or he will tell me to stop being a tit (lightheadedly)

The emotional side I am the opposite, I feel so much, too much. I can become obsessed with people, although less so now as I am aware and more able to manage meeting new people.

With my years of Autism experience, it's highly likely that the saying I love you thing, has already been ticked off in his head. He's said it, you know it, why would he need to keep repeating it? .

Relationships with some people with Autism can be rather challenging at times, particularly getting to understand their own thought processes. This can also be the case with we relationship Neurotypicals though too!

In my experience, they can be the most honest, interesting, loyal, committed people you will ever meet.

Sounds similar to my DH, not assessment, BIL diagnosed in his mid forties, MIL never assessment.

[quote CheerDays]@Latte40 thanks so much that’s so helpful. The not saying he loves me unless I sort of push it... should I be worried?[/quote]
I wonder if he's already said it it wouldn't occur to him as necessary to repeatedly say it?

@CloudsOfCeonothus

With my years of Autism experience, it's highly likely that the saying I love you thing, has already been ticked off in his head. He's said it, you know it, why would he need to keep repeating it? .

Relationships with some people with Autism can be rather challenging at times, particularly getting to understand their own thought processes. This can also be the case with we relationship Neurotypicals though too!

In my experience, they can be the most honest, interesting, loyal, committed people you will ever meet.

@CloudsOfCeonothus yeah I thought it may be that. He told me he loved me but he just doesn’t say it day to day or even more than once since!!!

I love him so much it makes me want to tell him all the time...wrong thing to do?

@roobicoobi

Sorry, I wasn't being goady.

I'm autistic too and I recognise so many of the things you mention. A slight deviation from what my mind thinks I'm doing (for instance having a different tea, another one will be when DH casually asks me to pick up his prescription when I'm out) will throw me into a bit of a stress. DH is used to it now and will either let me get on with it, knowing I am working though it in my head, or he will tell me to stop being a tit (lightheadedly)

The emotional side I am the opposite, I feel so much, too much. I can become obsessed with people, although less so now as I am aware and more able to manage meeting new people.

@roobicoobi thanks for sharing this insight. Would you say it’s unfair of me to be texting and being a bit soppy etc if it makes him feel unable to process or express it back to me? Is it better not to do that? Ie with the not telling me he loves me since he said it the first time, is it better I don’t say it either?

Would you say it’s unfair of me to be texting and being a bit soppy etc if it makes him feel unable to process or express it back to me? Is it better not to do that? Ie with the not telling me he loves me since he said it the first time, is it better I don’t say it either?

It could just be as others said, he has told you so as far as he is concerned that's a job done. I'm always telling DH I love him but I also ask 'do you love me' dar too much.

I think a chat is in order, don't second guess and try to work out what you should do based on others experiences as we all feel and deal differently.

Shut down is something I am very familiar with - I do it often because I don't know how I should be processing or doing something. I do usually get there in the end though.