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Original poster

Worried about socialising after baby

29 replies

Tiredmummy2021 · 16/06/2021 10:18

Opinions please

My little one is 10 months old and is a total lockdown baby .... v clingy. . We have no family nearby so the past 10 months have pretty much been me and him and his dad (who works long hours). I am primary care giver and my little one is very attached to me. (Btw i am trying to slowly introduce him to things post lockdown eg swim classes lunch out but he gets a little nervous and clings to me...WIP)..

Anyways now places are opening up my friends want me to out for dinner and drinks. The thing is i just dont feel ready.

This would mean leaving my husband to do bedtime routine n settle my LO ( who has recently just started sleeping through the night). My LO is a high needs baby and whilst my hubby plays with him hes quite a hands off dad and has never done bedtime alone altho he does help each night. (Eg it takes two of us to put on his bedtime nappy as hes like a Jack in the box at night.) My LO is v intense and fidgeting and difficult before bed and ive only recently established a routine that helps calm him but he is a handful .

My friends wont take no answer and have booked dinner for 7 next week. I am close to them n they also have babies around 1 but their husbands r much more hands on and regularly do bedtime.plus i think their babies are easier tbh.

In my heart of hearts i dont want to leave my LO before bed. Im worried he wont go to sleep for his dad, that he will cry when i go that he will up early if his ususal routine is disrupted. Im worried i wont enjoy dinner thinking about them.

Im tempted to tell them ill meet them for a coffee after dinner once my LO is in bed.

Am i being pathetic to feel like this? Has anyone else felt this way?

I was v v social before baba n never thought id feel like this at 10 months but i think lockdown has sort of intensified things a bit.

OP posts:
Worriesome · 16/06/2021 11:33

If I were you I’d go to dinner, sounds like you could do with a night off. If you don’t leave your OH to deal with baby alone then how will he ever manage? Sometimes it’s good to let go and let someone else take over, as daunting as it may seem, he is the dad and your LO will be okay x

littlefireseverywhere · 16/06/2021 11:40

Just go with your friends, leave your DH to it & he and your son will all be ok. Go out have a good time!

Mummytomylittlegirl · 16/06/2021 11:40

Everyone told me I needed to leave DD, and I ended up doing so before I was ready. She was very high needs too. People with more easy going babies don’t really understand. She breastfed to sleep and generally needed me to settle her in the evening until about 14 months. Then I naturally felt okay with leaving her. She’s 3 now, so happy and independent. I even left her for a night and felt fine!

If you’re not ready then you’re not ready. It’s okay to say so and go with your plan of meeting for coffee.

Equally if you feel you do want to go then don’t feel guilty either!

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Triffid1 · 16/06/2021 11:44

Mmmm, I see both sides here. I'm guessing your friends feel strongly that you need something in your life besides the baby, and I'd agree. They probably also feel that your DH needs to step up, and again, I'd agree.

But on the other hand, you won't enjoy yourself if you're stressing the whole time.

What time is baby in bed? Can you do bedtime and then leave if your friends agree to meet a bit later?

The basic premise is solid though - your DH needs to be able to do this and you need to get him more involved. In our case, I used to walk around the giant Tesco some evenings just to get a break an dot be somewhere else because if I was home I couldn't relax if I heard DS so much as squeak.

Idonotwantitthanks · 16/06/2021 11:45

I think it’s like ripping a plaster off op. Just do it. What’s the worst that can happen. Your partner needs to be able to manage without you if necessary so this would be a good time to start that. It won’t be as bad as you think, I promise

daisybrown37 · 16/06/2021 13:13

Weymouth sea life centre is nice, plus near the beach.

daisybrown37 · 16/06/2021 13:13

Wrong post….

wildeverose · 16/06/2021 13:20

Go to dinner.
Also I doubt they all just had much easier babies, they may just not have spoken about it. All babies are pretty hard work and clingy.
Is your DH "hands off" because you insist on doing everything because he clings to you?
How is he going to bond more with him
Or learn to do more if he doesn't have the chance?
You should go and let him try. Will do all 3
Of you good 🥰

Escapetothecounty · 16/06/2021 13:20

What time does baby go to sleep? Do they breastfeed to sleep? You could either go after they're asleep, or as others have said just leave DH to it. What's the worst that can happen - if he can't settle baby then he can bring them down/take them out in the pram. Not the end of the world as a one off.

I get that it's hard though - when my eldest was about 7 months I started going to hockey training in the evenings and still remember hearing the cries from her bedroom when I was walking back to the house the first few times. They got there in the end though and so worth it for me to have the physical and mental break.

Embracelife · 16/06/2021 13:23

Leave him with his other parent.
Crying won't kill either of them
They both need to get used to each other

Sceptre86 · 16/06/2021 13:40

Why is your oh a hands off parent? His decision or yours? Yes some babies are more clingy than others but it really takes the two of you to put a nappy on a 10 month old before bed?

Maybe your friends recognise something that you don't about your behaviour and feel that you need some time to just be yourself?

Wolfiefan · 16/06/2021 13:42

Either remind them you’ve said no and get them to tell the place it’ll be one less.
Or
Get DH to step up. He’s a grown adult who should be capable of looking after his own child for a few hours.

boringcreation · 16/06/2021 13:43

One night is not going to mess everything up. I know that's hard to understand when you're a first time mother but honestly you will all be fine for 1 night. Plus like everyone else is saying how is he going to be less clingy if you don't leave him for short periods of time??

DinaofCloud9 · 16/06/2021 13:44

I think you should go. Your DH needs to step up a bit.

woodfort · 16/06/2021 13:49

I think it’s up to you and you shouldn’t feel pressured either way. I didn’t leave my DC for bedtime at that age primarily because they are/were breastfed and that was how they went to sleep and what they wanted when they woke up (which would inevitably be an hour after they went to sleep). I never felt under any pressure to leave them which is great but equally I know my DH would have just had to cope if I’d wanted to get out. The choice was very much mine.

Original poster
Tiredmummy2021 · 16/06/2021 14:24

O gosh lots of replies. Think the general consensus is to go out. Thanks everyone

A few ques too n maybe the odd one seemed a bit judgy ( maybe me being hypersensitive)

Why is DH hands off ... just our parenting agreement i suppose. DH wanted to wait longer for LOs (married five yrs..both 36 ). I was worried about age DH was worried about curbing freedom so i agreed i wud do lion share of baby work. Thats just the way it is. And i love my DH and LO and have accepted that this might not work for everyone but it works for us.

LO being high needs...i think unless u have a high needs baby u dont really understand. Yes this is my first but my sister has 2 girls i have stayed with her on many occassions and looked after by myself and my LO is a manic compared to them. Needs constant attention and stimulation. Cries a lot. Needs strick routine. I have sleep trained n if i am even 10 mins late putting him down for nap he will cry for 30 to 45 mins solidly. Tried on three occasions to do lunch out over last wk with other friends n OH as lockdown has lifted. Went mental getting put into high chair point blank refused. Causing such a scene had to eat with him on my knee. I keep trying as im hopin he will eventually come around.

Asked about nappy. V difficult to put nappy at all times as v fidgety and wont lie down wants to sit up for stand. Use pants during day as much easier to get one but leaks at night. Use nappy at night but he pulls tabs off and opens straight away so need extra pair of hands to stop him

On the plus side he is extremely advanced met every milestone well ahead of schedule is very loving and has a great sense of humour. Laughs nearly as much as hr cries.Getting him to do something he doesn't want to do tho...v challenging..just like his dad lol

I love being his mum but it more difficult than i ever could have imagined. His dad does love him but when he gears up into difficult mode (usually bedtime) i take over as he does settle quicker with me and to be honest i have more patience and try to work around ( he hates getting dressed and cries and i try to do singsong thingy to distract him which takes longer whereas his dad wud just dress h quickly whilst cryung) .

Did i want a difficult clingy baby ..some ppl seemed to suggest i enjoy the clingyness no its not ideal but its my situation and i would rather have this than no family. I am hoping he outgrows it and in a few yrs hes chasing after his dad instead lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredmummy2021 · 16/06/2021 14:27

Ps thanks to everyone for the encouragement and support too i appreciate it

OP posts:
TheDevils · 16/06/2021 14:32

Your husband needs to do more.
This shouldn't even be a dilemma.

Go out, enjoy yourself and don't worry about them.... definitely don't phone!!
If baby cries then dad will have to deal with it. It's time he learned.

Embracelife · 16/06/2021 15:50

He s 10 months....way too early to say he " is extremely advanced "
Walking early for example is not a sign of anything other than physical ability...
Let dh get on with it

Original poster
Tiredmummy2021 · 16/06/2021 16:07

Jees just trying to be balanced and highlight the positive side of LO too...ok so maybe " extremely advanced" is OTT but hes a wee sharp cookie that's all. (Hv was out doing eye sight check as he has a bad squint n she said at 9 months hed met all their 12 month checklist thats all). Will be more careful about more adjectives next time i post Confused

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/06/2021 16:12

your friend needs to back off.

you don't feel ready & your feelings are valid.
it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

a true friend will understand and won't push you beyond what's comfortable for you.
meeting up once he is asleep so that you are content is perfectly reasonable.
if they are not willing to accept your feelings then fuck them just decline to go.

fucking hate pushy "friends"

GloriousMystery · 16/06/2021 17:09

DH was worried about curbing freedom so i agreed i wud do lion share of baby work. Thats just the way it is

And that's why you have way bigger problems than whether or not you go out with your friends. Honestly, OP. Did your husband actually say 'I'll only have a baby if you do virtually everything, because I'm so worried about my freedom being curbed?' And you agreed?

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 16/06/2021 17:15

This time, go out after baby is asleep. Who cares if you get there at 8 not 7?

Longer term, start sharing bedtime, then alternating bedtime duties with DH. Baby will always cling to you if you're always there - you have to step back and let DH step up occasionally.

Nicolastuffedone · 16/06/2021 17:22

When DH goes out with friends, does he worry how bedtime is going?

Spudina · 16/06/2021 17:24

@GloriousMystery

Exactly that. Your DH is spouting BS. Whatever he said prior to your baby arriving, he is a parent now. He needs to stop being a selfish git and step up. If he doesn’t do the hands on stuff, he is never going to have a close relationship with your child. It’s emotionally damaging to be brought up with a parent who doesn’t give a crap about you. Whether or not you are up to this meal is your decision. But for the love of god please do not stop going out without your family for the next 18 years over some agreement you made pre children. And do not let him stop you doing stuff either. You are a family. He needs to pull his weight.