What do you say / how do you react when your child gets poor marks?

[workwoes123]

Ds is 14, just got his end of year report and frankly, it’s not good. “Satisfactory” which means scraping a pass. He has the ability but he just won’t put in the work to learn something if he doesn’t get it first time. He’ll do the bare minimum and race through. He’s literally the youngest in his year, so lacks maturity.

I don’t know what to say to him or how to approach this. My sister and I were perfect A students all the way through, both went on to do PhDs eventually. DH was the opposite - his parents left school to work at 15, and they really didn’t care about what marks he got as long as he wasn’t in trouble at school, he left at 16, though he did go to uni later in life.

Do we read the riot act and shame him? Are we sad and disappointed? Supportive and encouraging? Throw money at the problem with tutors and bribing him to study? Personally supervise all his homework and sit beside him while he studies? We’ve tried various of the above this year, none have had much impact.

I got good marks because it made my mother happy and gave her something to brag about. I didn’t want to do this to DS. Maybe I should have.

How do you react when your children
bring home poor marks?

I think if it is a lack of effort then offer to help if there is anything he is struggling with and spell out the opportunities if you achieve better grades. Let him know you have his back and that you know he can do better.

Are you happy with the road you travelled? How do you get on with your mum now?
What will his satisfactory efforts get him results wise and does that match up with his ambitions?
Good question-
you’re best to answer it!

Have a discussion about whether the grade he got reflects the effort he put in. Ask him how he feels about it. Ask if he would like any help to work harder on homework/exams.

Do you have conversations day to day about the future? I shoehorn into conversations with my kids about how if they want X and Y they need a good income. Good grades and hard work is the best route to that life they want (a horse ranch is dds current future plans!).

We had the same. Ds has now just realised in the second year of A levels and his attitude has changed completely. We took the pressure off after gcse because that was making it worse as he felt he couldn’t live up to our expectations.

All you can do is chat round it, but I’d advise not to pressure too much. They have to work it out for themselves.

We've always made it clear as long as they work hard and try their best, the actual grades don't matter. But eldest has additional needs so getting 3/10 on a test can be a big achievement. (But younger one knows she has to try harder... )

If he's just being lazy rather than struggling you will need to give a big push though...

Gosh how would "sad and disappointed" or shame help!? I dont think that should even be an option.

What is he interested in? Any subjects better than others that you can encourage him in?

I didn't do well at school to be frank as I was not interested in most of the subjects apart from English and History. I don't do well learning in a formal setting and I learn better when I can do it independently, in subjects that interest me.

I'm struggling with this at the moment with DD (15). Bright girl, list a lot of confidence in early secondary until her ADHD was diagnosed, doing well on medication BUT still does the bare minimum. However our relationship and her mental health suffered so much in the previous diagnosis yers when I couldn't understand her inability to just focus, that tbh I'm leaving it. I remind her to revise. Try to get her up on weekends to do a bit of work. Reward her when she dies well. However I don't shout any more and I'm facing the fact that you can't force a child to work (well in our case not without damaging fragile mental health and our relationship.).

I ask my dc what they think of their report (luckily they don’t say they’re pleased with it!) then we come up with a strategy to improve grades.
I banned gaming on school nights as dc were not focused on schoolwork and just rushed homework or even forgot to do it. Now they are much better.

I'm kind of disturbed you think shaming a child because they're not working as hard as you'd like them to, is remotely okay.

Congrats on the PHd but you seam to have lost a lot of human skills and empathy.

Also, at 14 the "youngest in the year" line that gets trotted out so often doesn't count, at that age it's barely a thing. I say that as "youngest of the year" with a daughter who is too. Maturity comes from things that don't equate to age.

Have a chat, make sure he's happy and doing well all round and then discuss his future goals. He's 14, not 21.

Also, going to Uni doesn't make you better than anyone else. Many many people are incredibly intelligent but formal learning arenas don't suit them. Doesn't make them lesser or less intelligent. Perhaps your son is one of those people.

One of mine (first year at university) recent commented that it was amazing how his grades improved once he made the connection between working hard and doing well.

He had the good grace to look sideways at us and say ‘I know you might possibly have mentioned that at school... but I sort of had to work it out for myself.’

"I got good marks because it gave my mother something to brag about"

Sorry this stood out to me because that was my dm she worked with the dm of another girl in my year and all I ever heard was "Mary got 75 on this why did you only get 70" she would then go on and on which honestly caused me to disengage and made me feel like I wasnt good enough, please dont do this to your ds.

Is it laziness or could there be underlying issues? I know MN always jumps to SN, but when you have dc with SN you get used to looking past the surface (laziness in this case) to try and find the things that can help eg developing executive function skills, scaffolding homework, building in movement breaks, working at optimal times, etc. Children with adhd are sometimes as much as 3 years behind their peers in brain development so as parents we are trying to close those gaps so they don’t miss out on opportunities later.

Motivation is great but only if you dig deep enough to find the actual problem. If you pitch your motivation too high it will be counter productive and likely make him defeatist.

I put a lot of value on hard work and effort in my home, and we celebrate our good results even when it’s 2/10 on a test that ds has worked hard on. But I don’t talk about laziness (to him) because that’s a shaming short hand for a number of challenges he has.

Dd can do her homework with minimal input from me, and pack up her bag and generally organise her stuff, and has been independent since about 8. Ds is 12 and and still needs some support. He is very good now at completing written work but not great at spreading the load on projects or doing study/learning.

My attitude is that good grades can only take you so far but work ethic and the ability to task manage are the things that bring success in life.

I have a doctorate and it is hard not to say things like “I did my homework “ if you always did. My kids had various levels of motivation at your DS’s age. At one level you cannot make them do what you did but you can agree “scaffolding” to help them be better prepared.

We’ve used the following as positively as we could:

Talking about how they might as well get their GCSEs while they are at school because they are there anyway

The more and better the GCSEs the more choices they will have later (work, college, apprenticeships etc.)

Turning over a space (dining table in our case) to a study space with post its on wall with topics on and once there were cards or a mind map done of that topic, it got moved to done section

Watching YouTube videos together for science, watching films of books and plays for English lit

Instituting a “power hour” - one hour of study an evening when I was cooking so that we all got to relax a bit in the evenings

Buying revision guides and printing past papers

Buying revision cards, A3 paper, nice pens, highlighters and helping them work out what suits them best

Teaching how to use tricks like mnemonics in exams. My kids always say, “Isn’t that cheating?”

He’s young. He may take a different path to you. I have a well paid, interesting job but my husband who left school at 16 earns a bit more than me. Most of his family are in business and most of mine took a degree then profession route.

Anyway good luck. My suggestion is relentless, upbeat positivity and encouragement while scaffolding. Keeping a good relationship is central to everyone’s wellbeing. There is usually a gcse support thread on here. Sometimes there are lots of parents with already academic children but often there is a mix and a lot of support (for you!)

One of my very reluctant GCSEers is now on course for a first in a STEM degree. I would not have predicted that at the time. I have another who started working at 18, has just bought their first car and is thinking about a future that may or may not involve university. All good.

Sorry for long post. I really get it! I do occasionally mutter, “There’s no substitute for slog.”

I think Nick Faldo said that golf was about luck but the harder he worked, the luckier he was”.

Personally I tell my kids that I'm not fussed about grades as long as they've done their best. I was also As all the way but my DS is like your DS and doesn't make much of an effort at all.

It's a tricky one. You can't really force him to put more effort in. How about talking to him about what his hopes and dreams are for the future. My DS14 rarely makes an effort but we spoke about him wanting to join the police a couple of weeks ago and now he knows that he has to put the work in now or face redoing it when he's older and he is working harder at the moment (whether it lasts or not though)

To DS: "Well I am sure you know what you are doing and realise that you need to work harder if you want good grades. It is your life and your choice. If you are happy to leave school with poor grades, then it is your decision. If you would like to improve this then we are happy to help - just tell us what you need."

This does several things:

• acknowledges that he is of an age to make his own choices
• puts the ball in his court
• does not guilt trip him
• expresses that you have faith in him
• offers your support for whatever choice he makes

You cannot make him put the work in. Trying to do that will create a miserable family.

I sucked in school, got top marks in college though and my uni degree. Sometimes the school environment doesn't work for people. I felt like I was just trying to survive the week there, couldn't have given two hoots about grades and wouldn't have thanked my parents for bringing it up.

Leave the kid alone. Infact 'well done kid!' Wouldn't go a miss. He is 14, his grades don't actually matter much. Only ones that matter are the ones in his final year/s. Unless he plans to leave young. Might be worth telling him to just focus on the ones he finds easiest next time so he can get a few really good grades. But keep it casual.

I could have written your post @workwoes123 . My son is 13. I don't care about his marks as long as he puts effort in. What I can't stand is his lack of effort. Last week for some reason he revised for a test....and blow me down....he gets good marks. We tried so hard to explain this is why we get frustrated because we know he is putting no effort in.

I do like the way Mischance has worded her post. We try to say that but not as eloquently. I will save it and try to use it next time.... he starts the GCSE study in September and I worry if he hasn't got a good work ethic now when will he get it?

I always wanted to do well and loved school so find it hard to understand.

Stop making excuses would be a good starting place. Plenty of young in year children do very well by GCSE age through work hard.

I’d not leave it alone. I think parents have a responsibility not to allow children to limit their options through underachievement. Why accept shabby performance?

I’d go down the requirement to work route and expectation of achievement. Structured support, reward for effort, schoolwork before play.

Please do not shame him.

Both DH and I were grade A nerds who loved studying. DS was and is really clever but was not the same as us and hated studying. We did remove his Xbox but with clear instructions on now it would be returned. It was basically homework and study first and Xbox after. It was carrot and stick.

He was pretty resentful about his Xbox, this was when he was doing his GCSE exams. He actually thanked us to my surprise when he got his results and his friend when round at our house said he wished his parents had done the same.

DS was in a friendship group of boys in top set for everything and they all liked gaming as well but all of them struggled to self regulate. By the time he did his A levels he hardly gamed at all.

We did also talk to him about life choices and how ultimately good grades improved his chance of earning better money. We also told him how the life he was used to was because we had worked so hard. We also explained that sometimes life is right time right place but good grades open more doors.

My cultural background means total obedience to parents, it’s a very different parenting style to English people but it’s the reason why Chinese children in the UK come out with the best results on tables of ethnicity and grades. My DH is English so whilst we have had a few disagreements ultimately and it’s a bit of a mix I am not as strict as my parents at all.

I presume in fact he is year 10 op - so his work really does matter now.

I would put that to him - if he works hard for the next 12 months, he has a good chance of doing well in his exams and gaining xyz grads for which he has the ability. This could lead to abc. Does he know what he wants to do? That might help - eg if he needs 7 in maths to take A level or 6s in five subjects to do a certain apprenticeship.

TBH I found all I could do in the exam years was offer (again and again) to help - exam papers printed, stud guides bought, snacks on offer, go over anything if that is helpful - and then I had to stand back. You can't take the exam for them and they have to find their own way.

@Auntienumber8 - my OH is Chinese (British born) and I am English - but there is definitely not total obedience in this house!! I am tiger mum in my expectations - but not so much so that I get the results I want!! Lol. Please send some tips this way.....

I'd consider having a chat about what he wants from life, or whether he wants to go to university, do A levels etc.
Then look at his grades. If he isn't expecting a number of 6+ grades then he won't be suitable for A levels (with his mates?) and would be forced to do a more vocational BTEC. This wouldn't preclude him going to university but would cut down the courses/institutions he could access.

Is he Year 10? I personally think schools expect kids to do far too many GCSEs and half of what they have to do they often have zero interest in.
What subjects does he actually like? Is he more interested in vocational or academic subjects? Does he have any idea of what he would like to 'do' with his life? Does he have a hobby or interest that he doesn't realise could maybe lead to a job (because it isn't anything academic and schools tend to focus on academic stuff only)?
Would he be able to drop subjects that he has zero interest in so he has more time to actually work on the subjects he is interested in? Could he switch to a 14+ college or UTC which are more specialised or vocational.
These are all questions you need to ask rather than worrying about the actual grades.

Have a conversation with him. Does he have any idea what he wants to do when he leaves school? If he does then is he on track to get the qualifications/grades he needs?

That would be my starting point. Explain to him the trajectory he is on and the end point of that. If he’s happy I’d leave him be. If the trajectory doesn’t match his hopes for later employment I’d see if he wants any help.