What do you say / how do you react when your child gets poor marks?

[workwoes123]

Ds is 14, just got his end of year report and frankly, it’s not good. “Satisfactory” which means scraping a pass. He has the ability but he just won’t put in the work to learn something if he doesn’t get it first time. He’ll do the bare minimum and race through. He’s literally the youngest in his year, so lacks maturity.

I don’t know what to say to him or how to approach this. My sister and I were perfect A students all the way through, both went on to do PhDs eventually. DH was the opposite - his parents left school to work at 15, and they really didn’t care about what marks he got as long as he wasn’t in trouble at school, he left at 16, though he did go to uni later in life.

Do we read the riot act and shame him? Are we sad and disappointed? Supportive and encouraging? Throw money at the problem with tutors and bribing him to study? Personally supervise all his homework and sit beside him while he studies? We’ve tried various of the above this year, none have had much impact.

I got good marks because it made my mother happy and gave her something to brag about. I didn’t want to do this to DS. Maybe I should have.

How do you react when your children
bring home poor marks?

Do we read the riot act and shame him? Are we sad and disappointed? Supportive and encouraging? Throw money at the problem with tutors and bribing him to study? Personally supervise all his homework and sit beside him while he studies? We’ve tried various of the above this year, none have had much impact.

Answered your own question. None of those things work for you.
Let us know if those actions or something else does start to be effective.

You can cultivate a good relationship with him & help guide him to things he wants to do & can enjoy, and can do well at. I focus on what I can achieve.

One thing I did say with my resolute under-achiever, and he took on board & did respond to, "If these are the only qualifications you ever get then make them good ones. Don't close the door to what you might want to do in future."

DS went from U in mock-exam English literature to actual A grade, in 3 months. These things can happen. he didn't go onto A-levels you must be joking but he did buckle down enough to salvage the good GCSE grades he was capable of.

We expect our kids to do their best.

Our school grades for achievement as well as for effort and attitude - if they're doing their best in terms of putting in the effort and having a good attitude, that's good enough for me. They are trying their best.

ps: I think one other thing that helped DS a lot, was I expected him to be polite & respectful in class. I was firm about that. He might not engage brain well, but he had to respect teachers were doing a job so don't be disruptive. Plus he may as well pay some attention rather than be bored zoning out. Another reason I think he maintained latent ability to do well.

Work first then play. I would enforce a certain amount of work before he gets to play and do his own stuff. I think at that age sitting with him to do homework may be helpful - I think it is helpful for the kid that the parent is putting in effort too rather than just telling them to work. I tutored my brothers when they were teens, so have a bit of insight.

My kids are a lot younger, but if they are messing about, a use-it-or-lose it play time (eg ipad/tv) if they do not sit and complete (what is easily manageable for them) tends to focus their minds. Eg finish this and check for silly mistakes by x time or you don’t get your play time today. Obviously if they are struggling with a concept and genuinely trying, I sit with them and work it out and they don’t lose their time.

Firstly, you don't bribe him. He has to get into the habit of doing things because he either wants to or knows he has to - not because he's getting something else out of it.

If he has the ability, but is just lazy, that's not acceptable. What does he do instead of studying? We had to take DSS's games console away from him during his GCSEs because he was being absolutely ridiculous with it and not studying whatsoever. He ended up passing everything - could have been better, but could also have been worse if he'd still had his console.

He needs to learn that life is all about doing things we don't really want to do, and if you don't do them there are consequences. At 14, those consequences are that he doesn't get to do the things he wants/likes to do until studying has been done.

Just thinking...apart from uni I dont think anywhere has ever checked my school credentials. Ever. Only thing companies care about is prior experience in the same kind of company.

No company has ever checked my uni degree either I don't think...but maybe that would change for certain types of job (safeguarding ones ect). I should hope anyway lol.

Waste of time and money and effort all that study though. Could have just not and said I did.

It's all a bunch of bs tbh. Best not tell the kid that though lol. But I couldn't get worked up about a 14 year olds grades. Especially considering they are passing grades anyway

I would do the planning for the future chat as everyone has suggested.

I would ask him to come up with measurable targets that will help him along the road eg I will revise maths for 10 mins each night (or whatever) .

Perhaps offer financial incentives for sticking to the targets? And handsome rewards for improvements in grades or tests?

I would also speak to each of his teachers and get an honest description of what he is like in class and what he can do to improve. Often a lack of effort goes along with poor behaviour, mucking around, not listening etc. you could check up again and see if this has improved.

I would try to get him driving it as much as possible though. Try to help him reflect and set his own goals.

Well if he is 14 and the youngest in the year then this is year 10 and quite important. Ds2 is also year 10, they have pretty much finished the entire GCSE content for several subjects. This is a standard state comp secondary.

I think I would try to help him by setting him up for success, so he doesn't get any screen time for fun until a set time every school day to allow him headspace to do school work/revision and also he needs to be timetabling himself for weekends too.

This isn't about a student who struggles this is a more than capable student who isn't working hard enough. Must be frustrating as hell for the teachers. Stop saying he is the youngest in the year, he needs to pull his socks up. Ds's mate messed around, didn't revise properly and had to change an A level choice on results day as he needed a 6 and got a 5. GCSE grades do give an indication of A level grades and there is a cut off for being able to attend university.

You need to talk to him about the different paths he can take and what doors close to him when he doesn't get X grades for GCSE.

I personally think schools expect kids to do far too many GCSEs and half of what they have to do they often have zero interest in

Ds1 sat 9 GCSEs whereas some schools sit 12 so is this about expecting too much or a just a lack of engagement/laziness from those more than capable but not realising at some point they will have to leave home and earn enough for themselves. What kind of life do they want? Do they know what jobs pay? What housing costs? All the utilities and bills you have to pay as an adult? Will they be able to afford the fun stuff or just survive? I grew up very poor, you're damn right I put effort in so I wouldn't continue in that life as an adult, the shame still burns from some incidents we endured as children. Maybe look at Rich House, Poor House on YouTube.

Tricky. I was shamed and shouted at by my parents for perceived 'poor' marks.. they weren't poor, they just weren't amazing. Plus side I worked my arse off and achieved long term professionally, down side my self esteem and mental health is shit and I'm struggling to stay in my profession due to this, and I find life in general difficult . I actually get on well with my parents . I realize they were doing their best to help me achieve but screwed it up a bit. Also I have subsequently been diagnosed with ADHD and realistically NO ONE was even aware of ADHD in high functioning academically able girls in those days so from an outside perspective I DID need to pull my finger out, organise myself and concentrate... would I have achieved without the pressure.. no... would I be happier now... who knows ? I would encourage, support and booster self esteem but stop short of punishment. Despite what happened to me I still find myself slipping down the same path with my bright but ND kids and have to pull myself back on it often so I know how hard it is..

I think only you can comment on whether his results reflect his abilities or whether he is doing himself a disservice.

If he is getting poor results through lack of effort then I'd sit down with him, go through the report and tell him it isn't good enough. Ask if there is anything you can do to help him up his grades and suggest that if he doesn't improve them you'll be engaging a tutor to help him with the subjects he's struggling with. The threat of that might be enough to get him to buck his ideas up.

If he is genuinely just not very academically capable then I'd just try and support him as much as you can. Take an interest in his homework and assist him if needed, talk to him about what he finds most difficult and get some resources to help him with those.

I wouldn't be angry with him in either instance. The best thing you can do is encourage and help him to do better.

@Bigassbeebuzzbuzz

"I got good marks because it gave my mother something to brag about"

Sorry this stood out to me because that was my dm she worked with the dm of another girl in my year and all I ever heard was "Mary got 75 on this why did you only get 70" she would then go on and on which honestly caused me to disengage and made me feel like I wasnt good enough, please dont do this to your ds.

OMG

Yep, I did O Levels, my mother phoned 2 relatives who's children had taken them, after that I think I might have got a 'Well you did better than X but not as well as Y' I don't think I got any congratulations.

OP

Try not jut talking to your son but listen to him. He is not a mini you or a mini dh he has a personality.

Are you sure he isn't working? If he isn't then a carrot works better than a stick.

@Umberellatheweatha

Just thinking...apart from uni I dont think anywhere has ever checked my school credentials. Ever. Only thing companies care about is prior experience in the same kind of company.

No company has ever checked my uni degree either I don't think...but maybe that would change for certain types of job (safeguarding ones ect). I should hope anyway lol.

Waste of time and money and effort all that study though. Could have just not and said I did.

It's all a bunch of bs tbh. Best not tell the kid that though lol. But I couldn't get worked up about a 14 year olds grades. Especially considering they are passing grades anyway

I was a teacher and every job I applied for, as well as the training course, needed to see my GCSEs (actually O levels!) and degree certificates.

Maybe not the case for every job but for some it is important. And immediately post-GCSE you need to show your grades to get on to an A level or other coures or get an apprenticeship.

I would say to him, it has been a difficult year and he has lots of ground to make up in year 11 if he doesnt want to close doors for himself in future. Then, on a separate occasion, talk to him about what his career options are - does he have any idea what he wants to do? Is he motivated by money? Does he want to do something creative? It's important to have good grades in English and maths, as even if he doesnt want to do a degree yet, he might change his mind in later life. Let him have a look online at some universities and courses and look at the entrance requirements. Look at some apprenticeships too.

Also I wonder, does he have responsibility at home, for example keeping his room clean, making dinner for the family once a week, a list of chores he has to do, a budget for spending money etc? Give him the job of doing a family shop online, let him see how much things cost. Making him realise he has to take life seriously and that means he can't just coast through and rely on mum and dad forever.

I definitely wouldn't shame him or threaten him or bribe him. I'd just point out calmly that he is a bright lad, and you know he can do a lot better, and ask if he needs help to focus and if so what would help? And if he just blows you off then back off, but increase the amount of responsibility he has in the home and set expectations for this to increase, including setting an expectation that when he is 16 he should be earning money in his spare time if he doesnt want to put time into his academic studies. He can't simply sit around on social media while life and opportunity passes him by.

Good god don’t ‘shame’ him.

Mix of stern and supportive. Effort not outcome. Short term pain, long term gain etc. I’d also be quite involved in setting times for revision/homework and making sure he did it, interspersed with little rewards when he’s working hard. Not all children are magically born with the innate ability to self regulate and self discipline to study.

Just thinking...apart from uni I dont think anywhere has ever checked my school credentials. Ever. Only thing companies care about is prior experience in the same kind of company

My graduate job required certain UCAS points plus a B+ in maths a level (as well as degree)

Thanks all, for all the advice. It's so valuable just to hear your different experiences and approaches.

I think part of my problem is that when I was growing up there was so much focus on getting high marks, there was no attention paid to anything else. No talks about earning a salary, getting a job, choosing an industry or field to work in. All I do remember is my mum talking in hushed tones of dread about cousins / family friends getting poor marks, or not doing well at school and the overwhelming pleasure she got when telling people how well I had done in my O'levels or whatever. I only mentioned the PhD as an indication of how far I was willing to go to keep chasing the high marks - I don't work in the field, I've never used it, I was a SAHM for 10 years and now have a pretty bog standard admin job that works around kids. I was such a good girl, and it didn't do me any favours. Maybe that has made me too indulgent of DS - he's not a people pleaser at all, and I like that about him, so I have tried really hard to remain quite neutral about his marks high and low (towards him anyway). I just feel right now like my mum's approach "worked" and mine clearly "doesn't work".

We're in France, not the UK, so his crunch year is next year. He's studying 12 subjects including 5 languages, 3 sciences, maths and social sciences. It's a highly academic curriculum and marking is done on an absolute curve of knowledge - not marks for effort etc. It's all stick (low grades are the threat as they have real consequences) and no carrot. If DS doesn't get the required grade next year, that determines which lycée he can go to, and in turn which higher education options are open to him. it's crap that so much turns on this year when they are still so young but that's the system we are in.

We've never shamed / shouted btw - though I've got fairly grumpy about lack of effort and doing the least possible on homework, especially on his least favourite subjects. He's had a tutor this year, we often have the choices / options / jobs / further study talks, he knows all this in theory.

I've got plenty of French and other friends who happily go down the shouty / shaming route. DS tells us that we are much more laid back than most of his friends parents when they take poor marks home. Maybe we are too 'laid back' with our Anglophone style in the French system. IDK

A good relationship with your teenage offspring is not something to take for granted.

Mumdiva99 total obedience was me to my parents. My Mum resorted to beating with a bamboo stick so not recommended at all.

We have never had total obedience and really I think kids do need to kick back a little. But DS knows that if I made a threat such as no tv unless you do homework I did mean it. Empty threats are never worth making. We also made sure to have some time with just DS and me and also DH with DS and not always the three of us.

DS calls me Chairman Mum