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Original poster

I'm not BU am I? Racism/xenophobia...

33 replies

Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 20:01

I'll really try and keep this as short as I can!

Married for over 20 years. My fil seems to have real issues with both people from a certain country and a particular religion that I was brought up in (sorry to be vague!)

I have not been a member of any church since I was 16 btw!

My mum is from this country but came here young, married my dad and brought up a family including me.

Over the years he's said some pretty shirty things regarding people from this country and people of this religion.

It really ramped up when we planned our wedding and caused upset.

Anyway...

Last weekend we had a family get together to celebrate a family birthday and we were just chatting away and out of nowhere he yet again made a nasty derogatory comment about people of this religion. In front of my mother. My mum is not bothered - she's heard worse over the years! - but I'm just really sad.

I just went inside so I didn't react/say anything to spoil the day but I'm so fed up.

I'm not putting up with his PA racist xenophobia anymore.

He knows he's fucked up. He just looked and sounded stupid tbh and has sent me a couple of bright and breezy texts since.

I'm not replying.

Of course this will give him the upper hand and I will be painted as the "villain".

AIBU to just stop engagingwith him? Dh and his brother just sit there looking uncomfortable when he does this. It'll be hard on dh and potentially awkward but it's been over 20 years of his bullshit and I'm done.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
AutistGoth · 14/06/2021 20:14

YANBU. I've been in a similar position - not the exact same.

We were at a get together with DH's family. His aunt and uncle had already said some bigoted things and how much better we were after Brexit because we wouldn't have Hungarians and Romanians breaking into cars etc. Angry All I could think about as he made those comments were my beloved Hungarian friend and piano teacher and my Dutch friends too.

Later on, after a LOT more alcohol, the uncle started talking about how things were more expensive these days and that you could always rely on the Jews to drive up the prices and play victim when people complained. The room fell silent - silent that is except for the sound of me tapping my Star of David necklace. He at least had the grace to look embarrassed.

I'm NC with them now. My husband sees them occasionally for their son's (his cousin's) sake. Even my in-laws support me on this.

AutistGoth · 14/06/2021 20:15

Sorry for thw long message, but you're well within your rights never to give him the time of day again.

Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 20:19

Thank you and sorry you've had similar issues. It's horrible isn't it?

My fil cannot blame his comments on too much alcohol...he doesn't drink!

I'm just sad. It was a special day and he really put a damper on it.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 14/06/2021 20:22

YANBU, some people are vile, and the way other people just sit there and pretend nothing was said makes me feel sick.

ImprobablePuffin · 14/06/2021 20:23

Why can't you say anything? It's personally offensive to you so put him in his place. He is meant to be your extended family ffs what a knob

Osrie · 14/06/2021 20:24

YANBU and you know it really. No more. Enough is enough.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/06/2021 20:29

I know it’s not everyone’s chosen strategy, but I would challenge it straight away. It doesn’t have to be adversarial - the comment “why would you say that?” would be fine.

Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 21:24

Thanks for the replies -
Some fair comments

Historically he has not been called out on his shit - this will not change. Dh and his db just won't challenge him. Believe me dh and I have had a few arguments over the years!

And it was a special day and I didn't want to cause a scene for that reason

Dh is feeling stressed but agrees it was out of order.

I don't want dh to "take a stand" or anything (will never happen) but I'm done with him.

Obviously if he starts saying stuff to the school that'll be a different story.

Sigh.

What a knoblord.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 21:24

School?
I mean dc!

OP posts:
haveibeencaughtout · 14/06/2021 22:14

Text message : Since the get together last weekend, I've been feeling very upset about the comments you made about (religion). I hope it wasn't your intention to cause offense. Please understand that your words can hurt. I know your a decent man and I'm sure this wouldn't want this to happen again. I don't want there to be any issues between us because we normally get on so well.

Tell him what you think in an ultra reasonable way. Force him to apologise. Move on by being fake nice when you have to see him.

haveibeencaughtout · 14/06/2021 22:15

*you're

ImprobablePuffin · 14/06/2021 23:06

@Mrs08

Thanks for the replies - Some fair comments

Historically he has not been called out on his shit - this will not change. Dh and his db just won't challenge him. Believe me dh and I have had a few arguments over the years!

And it was a special day and I didn't want to cause a scene for that reason

Dh is feeling stressed but agrees it was out of order.

I don't want dh to "take a stand" or anything (will never happen) but I'm done with him.

Obviously if he starts saying stuff to the school that'll be a different story.

Sigh.

What a knoblord.

So forget DH, he doesn't speak for you. Why don't YOU pull him up on it?
Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2021 23:11

You are not a child, and how your useless husband handles your FIL is irrelevant. I would absolutely, 100% say something. If you can't defend yourself, at least stick up for your mum, FFS! It is possible to voice your outrage while still remaining calm and civilised.

Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 23:20

No, I'm not a child.
But sadly family dynamics (and the fact it was someone else's special day) meant I just walked away.
Calling him out on it will not make any difference, believe me. Over the years I have and have been called "nasty" 🙄
It will merely give him ammunition to make me the bad guy. I won't give him the satisfaction.
I just want to ignore him and get on with my life.
I've told dh that he is no longer welcome here.
Dh and his db have a weird relationship with their parents tbh. It's all very superficial and any difficult issues are just brushed under the carpet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 23:22

Mum really doesn't care btw
As I said, she's heard much worse sadly
I think we were both just a bit "wtf!???"

OP posts:
ElizabethTudor · 14/06/2021 23:25

Historically he has not been called out on his shit - this will not change

It won’t change, no, if no one calls him out on this shit.
If your DH and his brother don’t want to, fine. Doesn’t mean you have to go share that view. I can understand you not wanting to cause a fuss on what was meant to be a special occasion. But I’d reason that if your FIL didn’t come out with such racist shit, you wouldn’t have to say anything that would create a scene. Ergo, he’s to blame.
So send him a text message in response to his saying what he said is unacceptable, and if he says anything like that ever again you will leave immediately.

Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 23:27

@haveibeencaughtout

Text message : Since the get together last weekend, I've been feeling very upset about the comments you made about (religion). I hope it wasn't your intention to cause offense. Please understand that your words can hurt. I know your a decent man and I'm sure this wouldn't want this to happen again. I don't want there to be any issues between us because we normally get on so well.

Tell him what you think in an ultra reasonable way. Force him to apologise. Move on by being fake nice when you have to see him.

He won't apologise... That's the point. He'll make some PA comment about me not being able to take a joke 🙄 I just wanted to know if people that I was BU by just avoiding him in future...
OP posts:
Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 23:30

@ElizabethTudor

Historically he has not been called out on his shit - this will not change

It won’t change, no, if no one calls him out on this shit.
If your DH and his brother don’t want to, fine. Doesn’t mean you have to go share that view. I can understand you not wanting to cause a fuss on what was meant to be a special occasion. But I’d reason that if your FIL didn’t come out with such racist shit, you wouldn’t have to say anything that would create a scene. Ergo, he’s to blame.
So send him a text message in response to his saying what he said is unacceptable, and if he says anything like that ever again you will leave immediately.

That's a very reasoned response.... Sadly he isn't a reasonable person. The celebration was at my home so no way I'm leaving 😃 He's SUCH a knob Lockdowns have been awful but the bright spot was not seeing him!
OP posts:
Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 23:31

I know it could be seen as PA to ignore the texts but I'm SO done with this

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/06/2021 23:46

At least you have never have to see him again! I wouldn't let your DC see him again either.

Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 23:50

Dh is a good husband and dad (I know how I've made him sound!) But his relationship with his parents is...odd.
I guess we need to assess his access to the dc (they are both secondary age...) going forward

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrs08 · 14/06/2021 23:51

Thanks for the replies
It does help put things in perspective

OP posts:
ElizabethTudor · 15/06/2021 09:34

Ha - fair enough if it’s in your home, then yes, you definitely wouldn’t leave!
Not unreasonable to tell him to leave.
He does sound like a complete knob.
You know him better than us. I think it’s fine to just ignore him. I’d explain to your children why though, so they know you’re not tolerating behaviour, and can decide what they want to do.

RestingPandaFace · 15/06/2021 09:47

I can understand why it seems better to leave it, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing in the long term. You won’t be able to change his mind but you can force him to hold his tongue. Your race and religion, even if you don’t practise it are part of your DC heritage and history and it’s going to very hurtful to hear one GP being racist and xenophobic towards another.

I though that @haveibeencaughtout’s text was good. If comes beck with a comment about his not being able to take a joke you have an easy response.
“Jokes are funny, yours wasn’t, not a single person laughed they were all just embarrassed”

AutistGoth · 15/06/2021 12:01

For what it's worth, I never "called out" DH's aunt and uncle. I simply said that I have chosen not to be around them any more. If DH wanted to see them, that was his choice, but I wouldn't be. I'd never stop DH seeing his relatives, I don't feel that's my choice to make.

As it happens, DH agrees with me and he sees them as little as he can get away with. Heck, even my in-laws agree with me. I know my DFiL, one of the most easygoing people know, once told the uncle to "give it a rest, will you?" after the uncle had made some homophobic remarks.

OP, please don't feel as though you are anything but well within your rights never to see him again. As for your DC, if they are of secondary school age, it won't be long until they are at an age when they can decide whether or not to see him again, if they don't wish to.

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