I'm not BU am I? Racism/xenophobia...

[Mrs08]

I'll really try and keep this as short as I can!

Married for over 20 years. My fil seems to have real issues with both people from a certain country and a particular religion that I was brought up in (sorry to be vague!)

I have not been a member of any church since I was 16 btw!

My mum is from this country but came here young, married my dad and brought up a family including me.

Over the years he's said some pretty shirty things regarding people from this country and people of this religion.

It really ramped up when we planned our wedding and caused upset.

Anyway...

Last weekend we had a family get together to celebrate a family birthday and we were just chatting away and out of nowhere he yet again made a nasty derogatory comment about people of this religion. In front of my mother. My mum is not bothered - she's heard worse over the years! - but I'm just really sad.

I just went inside so I didn't react/say anything to spoil the day but I'm so fed up.

I'm not putting up with his PA racist xenophobia anymore.

He knows he's fucked up. He just looked and sounded stupid tbh and has sent me a couple of bright and breezy texts since.

I'm not replying.

Of course this will give him the upper hand and I will be painted as the "villain".

AIBU to just stop engagingwith him? Dh and his brother just sit there looking uncomfortable when he does this. It'll be hard on dh and potentially awkward but it's been over 20 years of his bullshit and I'm done.

Wwyd?

@ElizabethTudor

Ha - fair enough if it’s in your home, then yes, you definitely wouldn’t leave! Not unreasonable to tell him to leave. He does sound like a complete knob. You know him better than us. I think it’s fine to just ignore him. I’d explain to your children why though, so they know you’re not tolerating behaviour, and can decide what they want to do.

Yes, absolutely. The dc love them and I hope that doesn't change

@AutistGoth

For what it's worth, I never "called out" DH's aunt and uncle. I simply said that I have chosen not to be around them any more. If DH wanted to see them, that was his choice, but I wouldn't be. I'd never stop DH seeing his relatives, I don't feel that's my choice to make.

As it happens, DH agrees with me and he sees them as little as he can get away with. Heck, even my in-laws agree with me. I know my DFiL, one of the most easygoing people know, once told the uncle to "give it a rest, will you?" after the uncle had made some homophobic remarks.

OP, please don't feel as though you are anything but well within your rights never to see him again. As for your DC, if they are of secondary school age, it won't be long until they are at an age when they can decide whether or not to see him again, if they don't wish to.

That's pretty much my view... The dc are already raising eyebrows at some of what he says. If he drives a wedge between them it won't be my fault. If he keeps texting I'll use the reply above ^ It won't go well 😃 and I'll be a pariah but hey ho. It's funny really He's a real pillar of the community type... Who once told me AIDS was gods punishment for gay people What a charmer 🙄🤬 I think last weekend was a real "scales falling from my eyes" moment really Some it took over 20 years!

With our dc and questionable rellies and their opinions, if one is expressed that we feel we cannot challenge at the time, for whatever reason, we make sure to debrief with the kids thereafter.

There was another similar post on here about a fil making racist comments and the dh whilst uncomfortable not challenging his dad.
Why do people in mixed marriages put up with this? I genuinely would like to know. I can't ever imagine my dh not challenging someone who spoke about me in a negative light. Neither you nor your mum should have had to put up with that and I categorically wouldn't want someone like that around my children.

Yanbu, and how awful that every single member of the family lets him get away with it. We should all have left this “oh that’s just how he is haha” or staring awkwardly at the floor decades ago.

This is absolutely not your fault and you are completely within your rights to cut contact. Your FIL knows that such comments, aside from being intolerably ignorant, are extremely rude given your family's background. He could have used his relationship to you as an opportunity to learn and beoaden his own mind, but instead he's been snidey and passive aggressive. He'll never change. You don't have to put up with this.

Why are you worried about being seen as a “villain” and who will see you as such about from dickheaded FIL? You absolutely should call him out on it.

Thank you.
I don't care about bring the villain per se it's just annoying that that will be their narrative.
Sigh.
Dh is going over tomorrow so I imagine something will be mentioned.
I've made it clear that under no circumstances is he to tell them anything about us/me in future.
Fil isn't welcome here and that's that.
The overwhelming feeling from dh, ds1 and I is sadness and disappointment.