Please help me what is safest?

[thefishthatcouldwish]

Have a newborn baby here.

He has been up all night. He has fed and fed and fed.

I can’t get him to settle in his cot only in my arms but I am shattered. I am trying to keep awake.

I could put him in his pram where he might sleep but don’t think it’s suitable for overnight sleep. It’s an Oyster 2 Pram.

I have a flat bouncer but can’t put him in that without watching

I have a travel cot too but would need to set it up and put bedding in before putting in baby.

Where would you put your baby? I know that

DH has to be up early so got grumpy when I asked him to have him ( DH is usually great and helps at home… I will be tackling lack of support at night with him. )

Could you try travel cot? I would wake your DP and let him know you’re worried you might fall asleep with baby not in a safe space. I know he’s got to be up early but you and baby should come first, and if you’re worried you’re too tired he ought to help.

Can you try cot and singing/hand on tummy/stroking baby? It takes them at least 20 mins to get into the deeper sleep once they do drop off. We used white noise apps which helped a bit. I do know exactly how you’re feeling though, my DD didn’t sleep. Sending you all good wishes xxx

Honestly, I would take him into bed with me. I've done it with all of mine.

My DD for the first few weeks of her life absolutely hated her Moses basket (she liked to wave her arms around so we think she felt confined as she was a long baby with long arms & legs) so we put her in the travel cot & she settled & slept well.
(We didn't have a proper cot till she was around 3months old as was having a friends old cot obviously with a new mattress that we bought)
So personally I'd put your DS in the travel cot.

Can you bedshare safely i.e. following the safe sleep seven? Info here:
www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/
www.llli.org/the-safe-sleep-seven/

As long as you're sober, a non smoker with a firm mattress and ideally breastfeeding, clear away all duvets and pillows and 'cuddle curl' around baby.

Without an argument DH won’t help at all . I will tackle him but I haven’t energy right now gunna put baby in bouncer whist I sort travel cot.

I’m extremely disappointed in DH who is great doing tidying etc but only wants the fun bit of baby.

(at this age baby shouldn't go between you and dad by the way)

Hope you’re managing. Nights can feel long and it’s so hard to stay awake with them jn your arms.

I should say I did co-sleep with DD, but you need to set up the sleep space extremely carefully to reduce risk: I wouldn’t do it on the spur of the moment one night when you’re tired, I’d try the travel cot and lying next to baby with a hand on tummy to help settle.

Co-sleeping needs a v controlled space and circumstances - breastfed baby, flat firm mattress, no gaps around mattress or bed frame, no duvet (I used one cellular blanket not near baby and wore long pyjamas), firm foam pillow and pillow never near baby, no loose bedding or loose pillowcase, no dad or older kids in the same bed. (Even then I only did it because I was desperate and I wouldn’t actually recommend it to others as it caused me a lot of anxiety even if it helped DD sleep!)

Thanks all baby boy is trying to settle in travel cot.

Don’t think co sleeping is for me as am terrified of smothering him irrational and I don’t smoke or drink but wouldn’t be comfortable me.

I am gunna try and sleep for a bit but tomorrow I have to talk to DH. I can’t do nights on my own continually.

Apologies for the awfully written last post. Am a tiny bit tired

I hope you get some sleep, fingers crossed for baby to settle for you OP!

@SpikeDearheart

(at this age baby shouldn't go between you and dad by the way)

@SpikeDearheart Why is that the case?

I had the same issue with mine OP, and still do, thought not as bad as before - he’s now almost 3 months.

It was so so exhausting but I would wait until baby was in a deep sleep, which is when their breathing is so quiet you can barely hear it, and then put him down in his crib. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t and I would need to lift him up and hold him until he falls into a deep sleep again.

Still doing that now, though at least he’s old enough where I can give him a dummy if he starts to fuss when I put him down, which works about 50% of the time!

What helped me to get through the staying up with baby phase was watching TV, so maybe find a good box set to put on?

@MsHedgehog it’s because the dad doesn’t have the same alertness to the baby that the mum does. Prolactin and other hormones produced by breastfeeding keep the mum in lighter states of sleep that are more responsive to the baby, and is subconsciously more alert to where the baby is in the bed. The dad doesn’t have that biological hormonal safeguard and in a deep stage of sleep could roll on or suffocate the baby by mistake.

It’s also why you’re not supposed to cosleep if you’ve had any alcohol or prescription medication - it overrules the hormones and puts you into a deeper sleep state than usual.

If cosleeping the mum should always be between the dad and the baby, or ideally in bed on her own with the baby.

@irresistibleoverwhelm Ah ok! I wondered if it was something to do with bonding or emotional development.

That’s absolutely fascinating! I need to read up more about this. I mean I’m already aware that I wake up as soon as baby fusses whereas DH will sleep through a cry, but assumed that’s because I’m a light sleeper and DH is a deep sleeper!

Can't add anything to that excellent answer from irresistibleoverwhelm I have heard that you can start to be more relaxed about that once the baby is 6 months old but I'm not sure how evidence based that is.

I hope you got at least some sleep thefishthatcouldwish newborn days and nights are tough!

The other thing that might help is swaddling him and using a dummy, have you tried either of those OP? Swaddling helps him feel more secure and “hugged” all night. Good luck, sleep deprivation is awful

Have managed an hour of sleep and an hour just now where he was wide awake in his cot just chirping a bit.

I tried a swaddle which I will try again DS wasn’t keen and managed to kick it off.

Dummy was a total disaster. Spat it out straight away even holding it hated it.

Am just very tired

Have you considered a side sleeper crib OP? We had a snuzpod and it was pretty good, although I'm not sure anything would have turned our baby into a 'good' sleeper but he had allergies/reflux, so was a bit of a special case! We picked ours up second hand for pennies, and just bought a new mattress for it.

Dummy - if you haven't tried this already, try popping it in then immediately start to gently tap the front of it. This can stimulate them to start sucking and then they suddenly realise actually it's really quite nice

Swaddle. Swaddle. Swaddle! It's the only thing that's helped with all 3 of mine. Though DC3 was an awkward bugger who wouldn't be swaddled awake. I used to cuddle him to sleep and then quickly swaddle him before he woke up. Once swaddled he'd settle and sleep for a couple of hours. As a PP said it helps them to feel snug and secure and limits those jerky reflex movements that wake them. Hope you managed some sleep OP.

How new born are we talking and are you breastfeeding?

He is 12 days old so pretty new to the world. Yes am breastfeeding which I enjoy but can get lonely.

I think I will try swaddling later.

If you're breastfeeding it's pretty normal (Though bloody hard work!) for them to feed almost constantly for hours in the early days. Look up cluster feeding. It's a really important stage to make sure you have enough milk. But it doesn't last forever. Is he your first? If so do nothing but rest during the day. It will get easier quickly x

I would try swaddling again, a newborn shouldn’t be able to kick off a swaddle. You can either get Velcro swaddle wraps or loads of tutorials on YouTube, it should be tighter than you think and will make him feel very cosy and secure