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Original poster

‘Curfew’ for 18 year old?

34 replies

Fjmb · 14/06/2021 02:27

I’m sitting here for ds18 to get home. This is becoming a nightly occurrence- last night he came home at 4am. I think it’s disrespectful that he treats our home like a hotel, he seems to think he’s an adult so can come and go as he pleases (he’s an adult when it suits!)

Do your adult children, living at home, have a ‘curfew’? I’m probably being very unreasonable (but not brave enough to post this in aibu)

OP posts:

romdowa · 14/06/2021 02:41

Why are you sat up waiting for your adult son to come home?

CorianderBee · 14/06/2021 02:47

They're an adult and so you cannot control them.

My mum used to do this and it was so annoying. Go to bed!! He's not a child

CorianderBee · 14/06/2021 02:49

He is literally a grown adult what do you want?

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MinnieJackson · 14/06/2021 02:51

Is it a new thing then because he was 4am last night? What did you say when he got in?

Original poster

Fjmb · 14/06/2021 03:06

Because he turned 18 last month, up until a couple of weeks ago he had to be home by midnight (which he usually did) and I’d wait up then too. Absolutely nothing has changed in terms of where he’s going/been but I worried about him getting home when he was 17 and still do a few weeks later at 18. The thing that seems to have changed is he thinks something magic happened once he hit 18 and he just comes and goes as he pleases.

This isn’t a one off, it’s been every night.

We don’t live in the best area so I do often think the worst and since dd moved out it’s just me and ds.

In most ways he’s still very much dependent on me (ie. only has a very part time job as only just left 6th form, does very few chores as he was busy with studies etc) so I suppose I’m thinking he can’t play the adult card when it suits. I realise that they’ve all been cooped up for over a year so he’s going to want to be out every chance he can get but I feel like he’s not taking anything else into consideration. Dd I don’t worry about so much even though she’s living away from home because she’s sensible, always been mature for her age etc. She didn’t hit 18 and start staying out until all hours. Maybe I just need to cut the apron strings and leave him to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fjmb · 14/06/2021 03:11

Whilst typing out my looong post I see there’s been more replies. I’ll accept that I need to just let him get on with it. I’m up for work in 3 hours, he’ll be out by the time I get home but I will pin him down at the weekend to have a chat about it. If he’s an adult he needs to be fully committed and be an adult.

Thank you all for your replies

OP posts:

sandgrown · 14/06/2021 03:17

I am in exactly the same position and I do worry about him walking home late . He just keeps telling me he is an adult so now I just check he has his key and I go to bed .

lotstolose1 · 14/06/2021 03:21

Why would you need to wait up? Can't you get him a key cut and he can let himself in? Agree it's very late but I used to do the same at that age.

Is he drunk everytime?

Original poster

Fjmb · 14/06/2021 03:22

Ahhhh the key. The key that forgets to lock my front door sometime (my door’s the type that you have to put the key in and lock once it’s closed)

It’s hard just switching off the worry it must happen at some point though

OP posts:

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 14/06/2021 03:22

He's the same age as mine. He can't have finished school that long ago? My ds finished Friday. I'd let him get on with It, they've not been able to do much the last year and he's not likely to carry it on indefinitely I wouldn't think.

Original poster

Fjmb · 14/06/2021 03:27

No he’s not drunk every night. Last night he was in his girlfriend’s house, sometimes he’s with friends. So he’s not always ‘out’. My thinking is none of them are constantly busy during the day (all just finished 6th form, all have part time jobs) so I’m sure they could see each other earlier. However, as they’re adults I can’t dictate what hours they keep

OP posts:

Original poster

Fjmb · 14/06/2021 03:29

He finished the Thursday before half term so nearly 3 weeks ago ish. Which coincides with the late nights now that you mention it! I hope he burns himself out soon (I have a horrible feeling it’ll be worse now there’s nothing to get up early for for the next few months)

OP posts:

HarebrightCedarmoon · 14/06/2021 03:39

I wouldn't mind the timekeeping per se as long as I know that they are intending to come back late and are safe, and who they are with, and they have to come in quietly, lock the house properly (I'd expect my 12 year old to be able to use a key). Yes at 18 they are adults but while they are living with you they have to be as responsible as other adults living in the same house and actually behave like adults.

trevorandsimon · 14/06/2021 03:43

Just go to bed! You haven't said why you are waiting up. Just leave him to it and next time leave a bite asking him to lock the door where he will see it

MinnieJackson · 14/06/2021 03:49

I'd probably still be waiting up aswell. It's easy to get into bed but it doesn't mean you'll sleep! It is just normal to text if you're staying out and living at home i think, at any age

Original poster

Fjmb · 14/06/2021 03:56

I did say why I was still up waiting for him. I worry about him getting home (my problem, not his, I know) I don’t think I should have to leave notes for an adult to lock the front door! I’m fairly certain when he has his own house and wouldn’t want someone wandering in off the street he’ll remember to lock his door

He’s home now anyway but I’m too tired to talk about it with him now. Tomorrow night (tonight) I WILL be going to bed very early with my door locked

OP posts:

JustGiveMeGin · 14/06/2021 06:06

I would have been seriously freaked out at 18 if my mother was waiting up for me! I was in full time employment and driving so I kept my own hours (ie wasn't relying on lifts from my parents)
I noticed you said he's an adult when he wants to be....definitely start pushing for full time adulting! It won't happen overnight but it's a step in the right direction.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 14/06/2021 06:17

If he's coming home after your in bed he has to be reliable about locking the door though! He can't have that part both ways especially as you say you don't live in the best area! Even a late primary age child could do that tbh... I'd be very calm and firm on that point - if he can't be relied upon to lock the door he needs to stay over at his girlfriend's/ whichever friend's house he's at (and text to say so if not pre planned so you can sleep/ don't assume the worst).

That's simply a matter of normal consideration, otherwise he is forcing you to either wait up to check the door is locked or to accept sleeping overnight with the door open in an unsafe neighborhood!

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 14/06/2021 06:18

you're not your obviously

Echobelly · 14/06/2021 06:35

I think a 'just let me know when you'll be back' your arrangement is best at this age. I mean, to my mind, once you allow a young person out past pub closing time (probably the riskiest time), you might as well allow them out all night with the proviso they let you know their plans.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/06/2021 06:45

It makes no difference to how dangerous his walk home is whether you are up or in
bed. You also have to be clear about him locking the door when he gets in. Get a piece of papa we and write lock the door on big letters and when you go to bed pin it where he will see it and eventually it will become automatic. If you always stay up to lock it he will never have to remember for himself!

Harrykanesrightsock · 14/06/2021 06:47

Waiting up is going to make no difference at all to where he is or what time he will be home. No difference what so ever. Worrying will make no difference what so ever. You need to trust him and hope that you have brought up a sensible responsible adult.

bonbonours · 14/06/2021 06:53

I agree with this. Like it or not, mothers will worry about their kids, newly turned 18 or not. When I was that age and living at home I was expected to let my mum know what sort of time I'd be back and be back by then, or if not contact them to let them know if be later.

I think in this age of constant communication it's not beyond the bounds of possibly for a teen to text his mum to say when he'll be back. If you go to bed put your phone on silent.

Though, on another note I think I would want my "kids" at that age to know that if they were in trouble and needed help/picking up I would rather be woken to do that than them be in danger. I usually leave my phone downstairs but at the point when my daughter is out late I would have it right next to me.

Caspianberg · 14/06/2021 07:01

I don’t think an 18 year old should have a curfew, or an adult of any age. However, they should be letting those they live with know what their plans or schedule is.

If you live with other people It’s just respectful to let them know vague times And plans so they can work around it and not worry. They should be saying if they plan to be home for dinner so you know to add a portion or not. They should be letting you know they think they will be home at 9pm/midnight/ 3am/ out for the next two days so you aren’t worried when they don’t turn up.

pilates · 14/06/2021 07:05

It is not sustainable for you to wait up every night, you will make yourself ill. Go to bed. Not saying it’s easy to sleep though!

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