I’ve just been sick panicking about time passing. Can anyone chat?

[Panicste]

Embarrassed to be typing this but for the last few years I’ve had awful anxiety about time passing. I’m 36 tomorrow and I’ve got in such a state that I’ve just thrown up. It’s mostly related to the fact I’m not settled down with a family. I am seeing someone but we’ve only been together six months so it’s not really become anything significant yet.

If it’s not a family and relationship I’m panicking about, it’s mulling over the past, even childhood, wishing I could go back to certain moments and feel certain things again. The longing is unbearable. I will even think of university days and wonder why I didn’t make the most of it more, why I was a worrier and why I didn’t pursue friendships or relationships with certain people.

I also feel suddenly quite old. Often I can laugh this off, if a new graduate joins the department and has new lingo or can work the computer better than me etc. I find it funny and have a laugh. But in other moments I am overwhelmed that such time has passed and i didn’t really recognise it happening.

I often look around and think of those who have died. Family members, old teachers, friends parents etc. It horrifies me.

I know this probably sounds so self indulgent. I don’t mean it to be. I have a good job, just been promoted, no real money problems, nice house. I have achieved some things I guess. I’m just consumed by this fear and sadness and horror with life and just want to go back. I feel old. I have lines on my face. I’m not the pretty one anymore - I’m the older one. And yet I’m not settled down and that also panics me. I feel washed up and like all that’s left is death, the only way out for us all. It makes my head spin.

Sure. I am here.

I get how you are feeling. I have the same, but found reframing what a good life looks like, and taking time to appreciate the small moments has helped.

I was the top of my year at school, bright student who never needed to study so I almost expected a life would arrive which doesn't match where I'm at. Is that where you are?

@Kerberos yes I think so. I guess it’s also the idea that life progresses and opportunities disappear. I got the job I wanted and aimed for but sometimes I think fuck is this it? I preferred the expectation of it. What was to come. Living it has been quite mediocre. Not bad and I’m not ungrateful for it, but none of it is how it seemed it might be as a child. I know this is all normal stuff in some ways but the way I’m overwhelmed by it all is out of control. Some days I just think fuck I’m actually waiting for death now. What else is there. I’m also ACUTELY aware of how terrible life can be... things like illness or just cruel things that happen to people. It makes you wary of life as it goes on. I miss my in coney cockiness that things would be fine.

*innocent cockiness!

I expect everyone has those swirly panicky moments from time to time. And that's part of the reason people find solace in religion or stay busy to distract themselves.

Also 36 and understand where you are coming from and have felt like this on and off myself

but you have time to settle down still

and what gets me through it is - in terms of age - well we aren’t in our 20s anymore but that’s about it. We are still comparatively very young and when we are 75 we would do anything to be 36 again. We are lucky because the world is still very much our oyster.

personally as I’ve got older I think all I can control are my reactions to the situation and I try to take care of myself as I want to feel young and energetic in mind and body

You must try to reframe your thinking, you are young, healthy, have a roof, food, etc. Try making a list of all the positives and things you are thankful for. There are so many worse off and would swap in a flash.

also want to say - that on paper it sounds like you have a lot to be proud of

@Laurie01 and @Confusedaboutlots lm
Scared of something awful happening. Awful things happen all the time to people more and more. Life is cruel and horrible and I’m on my own and worried what I will have to face. I just don’t like life anymore it’s too daunting.

Paying attention to nature can be very soothing when you feel like this too. I have just read the most wonderful book by Dara McAnulty and it has taught me to slow down and appreciate the magic in the natural world again

Can you pinpoint what has caused your thinking now, or has it been building for a while?
What's next for you career wise? If you are where you want to be can you find a new challenge outside of that?

I'm at a point where I have a senior job but probably still need a couple more years at this level before I think about moving up. That gives me the challenge I need to keep things interesting at work.

I’ve just turned 40 and am settled with children etc and I feel exactly the same.
I have regular awful realisations that there is no rewind button for real life. Time doesn’t stop, it only hurtles forward. I won’t help you feel better, only worse probably so I won’t drone on 😂😭

@Kerberos my job is objectively difficult (it isn’t that hard in reality). I’ve not found it hard to progress. I enjoy it but the hype around it being a highly professional and challenging career often makes me cringe. It’s just a job.

@Blabla81 no that makes me feel better actually!

I’m just so indifferent to life. I want to be settled down with a family but even that I feel like it’s a lost cause now as I’m old. I don’t know how it happened, one day I felt young and in control and now I feel so so old. I look ok. But it’s only going one way isn’t it

I do know how you’re feeling a bit. You just start to wonder if the bad things in life outweigh the good. I have kids so I’m very happy about that but then that time goes so quickly and I worry about the future for all of us. It sounds like you’re having an existential crisis. I think you need to look at the positives in your life and maybe find a way to help others and put your problems into perspective. And think of all the people who had amazing achievements in the second part of their life. What do you want to do? Travel? Write? If you want to have children you could look into options for that. They definitely give you a purpose in life. If you are ok financially in a wealthy country you are better off than the majority of people in the world

[quote Panicste]**@Laurie01* and @Confusedaboutlots* lm
Scared of something awful happening. Awful things happen all the time to people more and more. Life is cruel and horrible and I’m on my own and worried what I will have to face. I just don’t like life anymore it’s too daunting.[/quote]
I’m very sorry to hear you are feeling this way. As a PP said is there something that has made you feel this way recently or is it turning 36 specifically.

on your specific comment - I suppose that for every person that an awful thing happens to there are many who don’t suffer in that way - but we don’t necessarily hear or read about them

I do sometimes think like that too - but then make myself realise that i’d rather not spend every day worried about something that may or may not happen, or worry about the inevitable prospect of getting older - but i try to appreciate the current moment and what i have to be thankful for

otherwise i would end up living out the rest of my days in perpetual worry that i was getting older - and it would obviously never get better as i get older

but i know it’s easier said than done.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am 34 and I am settled with a beautiful family who are everything to me. However I am so unhappy with my career. I keep wishing when I didn't have my children I'd studied more. I keep wishing I could go back to school and try harder (I didn't try at all)

I also feel very "old" at times. And I know what you mean about work. I'm no longer the young pretty one (sounds so vain but it's not meant to be) I am the older one and I sometimes feel I am surrounded by "young" ones.

I also worry about dying young and something horrible happening.

I also can't believe how much time has passed so quickly. I feel like I was 19 just last year. I can't believe 15 years have passed in such a flash and that scares me because I think are the next 15 years going to pass as quickly!?

It doesn't effect my life, these thoughts. But I do think them so I understand how you are feeling. No advise just to say you aren't alone. X

I have panics like this regularly. I'm 43, married with kids and a good job. I feel invisible a lot of the time now. And insignificant. The menopause is just around the corner and I feel that I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I also wish I could go back to childhood, playing on the street. Or school or university, but knowing what I know now so that I could truly appreciate it, and rectify some of the (really only minor) mistakes I made.

It's an existential crisis and quite common I think. I usually get distracted out of mine by general life. Mine usually hit me in the dead of night and the fear is sometimes crippling.

The answer really is to live for the moment. Don't dwell on the past, or think too much about the future. Just enjoy every moment as it happens. Having a family isn't the be-all and end-all. Just listen to some of the people on MN who are unhappy with having had children and wish they hadn't bothered!

I think it's part of life for us always to want something more, something different, something we haven't got. But if we get it, it doesn't necessarily make us any happier.

Wow I can relate to this so much. I’m nearly 38. I sometimes wake up in the right worrying about the same stuff. I feel constant nostalgia for different past times in my life. I have to do my best to push it to the back of my mind most of the time.

I do understand this. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes I find focussing on the things I've become really competent at purely because I've done it so often really helpful. Like, I can flip a pancake. I can pour things into other things without spilling a drop, and rip a piece of paper in half perfectly. All this is practice and skill acquired only because time has passed. I know it's not big significant things but it is nice to feel competent rather than old of you get me.

@ThePlantsitter

I do understand this. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes I find focussing on the things I've become really competent at purely because I've done it so often really helpful. Like, I can flip a pancake. I can pour things into other things without spilling a drop, and rip a piece of paper in half perfectly. All this is practice and skill acquired only because time has passed. I know it's not big significant things but it is nice to feel competent rather than old of you get me.

that’s a nice way of looking at life

Not to be dismissive, but a large part of what you are feeling right now is Birthdayitis. Most of us have occasional feelings of shock and "How old?! That can't be right!" before birthdays as we get past 30. It reduces once the day is past.

I remember feeling the same in my 30s, and although I am 10 years older now, I've somehow come out the other side of it and have a much calmer and less anxious acceptance of my age.

I 100% understand that feeling. I've learnt not to look back or forward too much and although it's a cliché, try to live in the 'now' as a PP says. I feel like my brain goes into some sort of overwhelm mode when I think back to how I could have lived life 'better' (I used to have crippling social anxiety) and made the most of each stage, but when you're in it you just get through it the best you can. No good will come of reflecting on the past when you feel like this, unless there's a specific incident you need to learn from to help you now or in the future. It possibly sounds awful, but I rarely even look back at photos of my son when he was a baby etc as that sends me into a spiral about how I should have 'enjoyed every minute' and I didn't and I'll never get to go back and try again. I'm waffling, but what I'm trying to say is I get it and what's worked for me is to not look back, but focus on the now and maybe a little bit ahead (days, weeks and months, but not years).

Op I get this. I'm 41. My parents are still alive, healthy and living in my childhood home so I have this sense that if I really wanted to I could give up all the aspects of my life that make me an adult, move back in with them and revert to being a teenager. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Clearly I don't actually want to do it but it's like my safety net for when life is overwhelming. I'm still a child really, playing at being a grown up.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, OP, and it sounds like there are lots of different things going on here.

One thing I wanted to pick up on is it sounds like you have always carried some anxiety with you, as you mention having been a worrier in your OP.

I had my existential crisis many years ago and am mostly very happy now. However I do sometimes find that if I'm not careful and I don't have something concrete to worry about, worries will creep in about other things instead. If you have lived with anxiety for a long time, its almost like you are just used to being in that state. When you have concrete difficulties to work through, you can put it to use on them but when you don't it floats around looking for something to latch onto. So basically you are so unused to not being anxious you need to find something to channel it into. I see this in a lot of people I know who actively create drama in their lives (absolutely not saying you are doing this) as it feels easier to have something to attach those feelings onto. Of course the real answer is to find the root of those feelings, and figure out what helps with them and I think PPs have covered a lot of that. I just think sometimes being able to see what might really be happening when these feelings arise can help too. I appreciate it might not be the same for you, but it is certainly something I have noticed in myself and it might help.

Also, to be clear, I'm not suggesting that your worries aren't real or important, just sharing my experience that in recognising I was a bit of a worrier and addressing that, some of my worries just disappeared.