I’ve just been sick panicking about time passing. Can anyone chat?

[Panicste]

Embarrassed to be typing this but for the last few years I’ve had awful anxiety about time passing. I’m 36 tomorrow and I’ve got in such a state that I’ve just thrown up. It’s mostly related to the fact I’m not settled down with a family. I am seeing someone but we’ve only been together six months so it’s not really become anything significant yet.

If it’s not a family and relationship I’m panicking about, it’s mulling over the past, even childhood, wishing I could go back to certain moments and feel certain things again. The longing is unbearable. I will even think of university days and wonder why I didn’t make the most of it more, why I was a worrier and why I didn’t pursue friendships or relationships with certain people.

I also feel suddenly quite old. Often I can laugh this off, if a new graduate joins the department and has new lingo or can work the computer better than me etc. I find it funny and have a laugh. But in other moments I am overwhelmed that such time has passed and i didn’t really recognise it happening.

I often look around and think of those who have died. Family members, old teachers, friends parents etc. It horrifies me.

I know this probably sounds so self indulgent. I don’t mean it to be. I have a good job, just been promoted, no real money problems, nice house. I have achieved some things I guess. I’m just consumed by this fear and sadness and horror with life and just want to go back. I feel old. I have lines on my face. I’m not the pretty one anymore - I’m the older one. And yet I’m not settled down and that also panics me. I feel washed up and like all that’s left is death, the only way out for us all. It makes my head spin.

@Panicste you need something to look forward to, a holiday or city break. I love just sitting and people watching. Not a long term solution however a break from ground hog day.

Happy birthday for tomorrow

Enjoy the NOW !

Make plans for the future

I am not a worrier

I met the DH of my dreams at 39 one week after buying my “bachelor pad” 🤣. He came with 2 incredible step-kids and we’re trying for our own.

What you’re feeling isn’t unusual, but you need to try and calibrate your anxiety. You have no idea what or who is around the corner. X

I feel like this often. I’m 40 and have chronic disabilities and never imagined my life would be the way it’s turned out. I am lucky in that I have a lovely dh and 2 kids but when I was at school I was in the top sets consistently and told I could go to Oxford / Cambridge and then bam my health took a nose dive and I never recovered. I now don’t work at all and haven’t for the last 10 years.

I worry about dying and leaving my dc behind. I feel invisible and really old and like many people here it seems like only yesterday I was 18 and just starting out my life.

The only thing that helps me in my darker moments is - morbidly enough- to realise that death doesn’t necessarily just happen to older people. Therefore I make myself live in the now, I don’t think beyond the moment as much as I can. And I tell myself I’ll live to 100…. So I have plenty of time to sort myself out. All ridiculous really. But it helps!

Totally understand your feelings and pp have offered great advice. I totally agree with getting out into nature. Since having my DC and at times feeling a bit lost in motherhood, I've taken to having regular walks. It's been a revelation - there is something very comforting about seeing how the seasons change and that despite harsh weather and difficult times the snow drops peep through in Jan and the bluebells bloom in May. I'm not an earth mother at all, but connecting with nature is very calming and grounding. It makes you realise that life goes on no matter what. Sometimes bad things happen, but you deal with that at the time. There is no point wasting your life worrying. Be grateful for what you have now and be excited for what might come in the future. I look at it that when it's my time to go, it's my time and I'm going to make the most of my brief stint on this planet.
Gratitude journaling could be another good one for you. Start the day off thinking of all the good in your life. Is there something that you've always wanted to do - write, volunteer, climb a mountain? Make plans, take small steps. We don't need to lead an extraordinary life for it to 'count', most are happy with an ordinary life with wonderful moments.

I think it's quite common to feel like this in the run up to birthdays.

In terms of worries about the future one thing that has helped me is to kind of mentally accept any future fears/ worst case scenario that might be possible. To acknowledge that yes, it might be me loses everything; my health, money, living circumstances, people that are close to me. These horrifying things are possible and there are some things in life I have no control over. I am not owed any future expectations, every moment of good fortune is a gift. Instead of thinking 'why me' when things go wrong I just think 'well, why not me?'

(But I'm not fatalistic and work hard to take steps within my power to ensure good health etc)

This may sound a pretty pessimistic path to take, but it's really not for me and I am a very happy, optimistic person. But I am relaxed about the possibility of future problems, I am not adding a layer of stress by fighting against the idea of them, I accept it's all possible and get on with enjoying my life.

Completely relate to this. Same age. I am married but we never do anything and have been together since young and I constantly get myself upset that I didn't make more of uni days or more effort with friends. I hate my job and don't have a career and struggle for money. Colleague only yesterday was talking about meeting up with her friends and all the things they get up to and it made me feel sick with envy that I didn't do that in my youth and that I don't have a group of friends to attempt to do anything with other than a civilised meal. Everyone talks about living your best life etc and I feel like I've wasted mine. It's a really hard feeling to come to terms with

I can identify a little bit with this. For me, I think it's because I watched my Mum die before my eyes last year. She always promised me a "sign" after passing, and there hasn't been one. I'm 51 and not getting any younger! It makes me think more about death really.

BUT I think you have to create things to look forward to. Yesterday, I met my adult children for lunch and then we sat outside a pub all afternoon, in a bustling city, drinking prosecco and laughing lots. The boost it's given me is amazing. Live in the moment, and create lots of opportunities to have fun. Which is hard for me, because I don't get much time off work. But I'm going to carve out more times like this.

36 is so very young. I can recall feeling old on my 23rd birthday. 23 for goodness sake! Then old on my 30th & 40th. What a bloody waste of time. Now I'm 51 and I realise looking back, how fabulous I looked at 23 & 30, and think of all that wasted worry. I'm trying to apply that to my thinking now. I'm 51, but when I'm 61, I'll wish I was 51, so why not enjoy this time. I look good for 51, I'm very healthy, so make the most of it. PS. If you really do have wrinkles, try Botox. I have it every 6 months, and I have no wrinkles whatsoever.

My partner had counselling for this. Time anxiety mixed with health anxiety meant a very tough time at the beginning of covid.

You said in you opening post that you often look back and regret how much time you spent worrying and not living in the present.
That is the key- my partners therapist has had him working on been more in the present than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
He has improved but a slow journey.
I hope you get support for this maybe speak to your GP

Oh, and I met my lovely 2nd DH at the age of 38.

You are still so young!

I feel like this too (and I’m younger than you). In my case it’s been brought about by the pandemic and the endless routine of sitting at home and staring at my screen. But even so if you’re quite intelligent and start thinking about life the natural extension of that is to worry.
Think about it this way OP - there are millions of things you could have done - logically you’d never get around to doing them all. Equally there are many things you have done.

Also I find coming to terms with our insignifiance in the grand scheme of things is a great relief. Try to do things like listening to music (really listen to every note), dance, mediation, walks...things that are engage all your senses actively. Rather than just reading, talking to people or staring at a screen. Makes you feel alive and gives you a sense of calm that when you leave you will just return to the elements.

I just had my birthday but I’m almost 20 years older than you. Birthdays are quite weird times. I hated my 30th but was single and living in a bit of a grotty house-share. By my 40th I was married with dc, I also loved my 50th. These days I’m just glad I made another year as I have some serious health issues.

You are absolutely allowed to have some panicky moments and feel a bit crap. Just be careful it doesn’t become a dominant feature. What have you got planned? I went for a lovely lakeside walk and had a BBQ. It was hardly rock and roll but I love nature and took some really nice photos. I also ate an entire family size bag of sweet chilli sensation crisps for my evening dinner because I could :)

I can relate to this a bit. My 'D'H asked me for a separation totally out of the blue. Between the separation (2019) and then Covid (2020/2021) it's been a tough few years and I sometimes feel like my best years are behind me and I'm facing into a lonely, uncertain future and I'm rapidly approaching 50. I try to cheer myself up by thinking of all the fun things I hope to do in the future - lots of travel, fun nights out or holidays with friends, maybe a romance in the future? It's just hard atm because the Covid restrictions mean none of those things are possible right now.

You don't sound self indulgent at all. Your anxiety is very real and trying to ignore your feelings or bury them won't actually solve anything. They'll continue to fester away and perhaps maginfy. I would really recommend seeing a counsellor and discussing all of this with her. Before my separation, I thought that a counsellor was someone you saw after a crisis but now that I've actually seen a counsellor on a regular basis, I see counselling more as self care - same as getting an eye test or a dental check up or a hair cut. When thoughts and feelings are building up in my head, I see my counsellor and release them - slowly and safely.

I've just turned 58 and would give anything to be 36!

It is scary when you notice how much time is passing, and for me I find that my head hasn't realised how old I actually am and I'm always shocked when I catch sight of myself in a shop window, or I can't do something I used to be able to.

I can also remember feeling really old turning 20, and 36, and 45..

There is no way you can turn back the clock. Perhaps you could look into starting something new that you have never done before?