Do we find motherhood harder than previous generations and if so why?

[user365683]

This is just my personal experience so I could be wrong. When I first became a mum I think it shocked me how hard it was. I think the sudden change in lifestyle/lack of sleep etc. My sister has recently also had a baby and was the same. She even said to me why did no one tell her how hard it was. Our mothers response was it's not hard just different. My MIL seems to think similar. I have heard similar from other friends aswell.

So my question do you think previous generations found it easier and if so why do you think that is? Or do they just forget/look back through rose tinted glasses?

My only possible thought could be when I look at the differences between my mums parenting to mine. She apparently left me downstairs in the cot from day 1 at night. Obviously that would be considered terrible parenting now but she said it was just normal then and meant she was never sleep deprived.

And of course when I say "parents" I meant mothers.....

I have found parenting way harder than my Mum did because she only had one child and I had 3 close together. She stopped bfing me at 3 months and weaned me (the 70s). She drank and smoked during pregnancy, she put me in a cot, she went back to work when I was a baby and found it easier because someone else potty trained me and let me mess up their house rather than having to tidy up at home - she says it was much easier to work than be a sahm. She sent me to a Saturday club all day too so she could catch up with housework/have time to herself. M&D took me to late boozy parties and left me asleep on the coat bed and drove home with me unsecured in the back of the car while my dad was driving well well well over the limit. This is totally different to my parenting style. She thinks mothers now make it way harder for themselves worrying about nutrition and googling everything and I think parenting in the 70s was utterly terrifying

Babies/children were seen as a bit of an inconvenience and something that should fit in with your life. The idea that you would change your life around a childs needs makes my parents (and their parents) roll their eyes.

My Mother and Grandmothers main focus in life was to facilitate their husbands needs and have a clean home and be a good wife. Children were not their priority. Ironing their husbands shirt was more of a priority than their children's happiness or safety.

I think in previous generations women were often more used to being around kids and babies as they were expected to help out with siblings etc. This often isn't the case for modem young women who are encouraged to do homework, hobbies etc.

Expectation. That's the bottom line. We expect more from ourselves as parents because we don't want to repeat what we perceive as mistakes and bad parenting of previous generations.
I was spanked by my father for example as a form of discipline. Now way I would do that to my dc, and do have to find different ways to parent, which is hard and requires more creative approach.
I was emotionally ignored by my mom. I try my best to always be there for my kids.. I think we try harder to be better, more careful, give better nutrition, safety, attention, engage etc.. I don't think previous generations had more help, less to do, less work or anything like that. We just know more about child development now and try being better.

I think my own DM had a similar experience to modern mums in that she wasn't living close to family and didn't spend a lot of time around babies and young children before motherhood.

I can imagine it's very different for people who live in larger multi generation households and have the "village to raise a child" lifestyle. Babies would just be an everyday part of life. For modern women who don't live this way having a baby is like being plunged into a strange new world and it's a shock to the system.

Because they could do what they wanted without any internet to say not to. My mum thought nothing of letting me roam free, watch as much tv as I wanted and eat all the shit that was available in the 90's.

Parenting was a doddle, I pretty much just got left to it. No car seat, no routine and no supervision. All this and she has the gall to moan about how much tv kids watch, and how much rubbish food they eat. hmm....

One difference is the age of having children. The early years are tiring and broken sleep is easier to bear
At 25 than at 40.

They weren’t told to feed on demand and fed every 4 hours!

I hate the pressure to breast feed on demand, it’s demanding/damaging to mums and produces terrible sleepers as they want to comfort feed/snack all night and day!

@Onceuponatime1818

They weren’t told to feed on demand and fed every 4 hours!

I hate the pressure to breast feed on demand, it’s demanding/damaging to mums and produces terrible sleepers as they want to comfort feed/snack all night and day!

Agreed, there is pressure to feed on demand. I exclusively breastfeed, but not on demand, and have often felt by healthcare professionals that this was not the current trend or advice of what to do. Life is hectic and having a loose routine has really helped me to juggle it all.

I think I’ve got it easier than my mum and her mum - less children, contraception, more choices for women and more help.

My mum and grandma both gave up work they enjoyed as it was the norm to look after the children while the man went to work (at least when the kids were young)
I enjoyed my maternity leave but was glad to get back to work part time which was possible because my work place and husband supported it and culturally it’s acceptable to put babies into childcare.

Cloth nappies and a twin tub - no thank you!

I think there was more community. Less expectations. Kids had more freedom.

I think a big part is that you forget the longer away you are from the hard bits! Also, in previous times they'd do things like put porridge in bottles early on to get them to sleep or early sleep train which we don't tend to do now. My mum was just saying today that my Auntie would say "is she not sleeping through? But she's 6 weeks! You should put some porridge in a bottle for her, I can make one up and bring one round for you...?".

I also wonder if we have more busy/fulfilled lives (pre covid obviously!) these days pre children so it feels like a bigger change. Before I had my first DC, I had a great interesting job earning reasonably well, not much in the way of responsibilities, plenty of relaxation time, roughly 50/50 with exH on household jobs, not much mental load (bills all on DDs, not too many birthday presents to buy etc etc), evenings out, weekends away, fun friends weddings to attend, disposable income, holidays abroad plus trips to visit friends or do activities, concerts etc. It was a busier life than my mum had for sure although they are making up for it in retirement!

Also more complicated decisions to make and "rules" to comply with now - car seats (safety tests, type, extended rear facing, correct installation etc), weaning age, routine or attachment parenting, safe sleep guidelines that require you to be in a room with your under 6 month old baby at all times including napping and bedtime, parent facing buggies, the list goes on...!

Things that I think were easier for my mum:

• expected to give up job, so no fear about career
• knew what to do, due to looking after younger siblings
• no worry about doing everything right in terms of kids' social/ emotional/ educational well being
• no pressure to be the perfect parent

Things that were harder:

• money worries
• cloth nappies
• a husband who was either in work or the pub and didn't see childcare as his responsibility
• price of kids' clothes
• worrying about being judged if we looked scruffy

No parental support
Cost of living
Need for paid employment, with own pension provision
Job pressure
Household day to day stuff / paperwork
More accepted to leave shitty relationship become single
Support aging parent
Struggling to afford childcare in the holidays
Retirement at 67 (or higher...) & if no private additional pension fear of facing a very basic old age

I find it hard (mid 40s & kids) my parents had more parental help but they most definitely had their own pressure & stress

I agree more physically demanding work was the norm. Early shifts, walking with heavy shopping etc and that people were generally younger.
I also think concepts like 'me time' weren't expected. Life was hard work and you got on with it.
That said, I do think that we currently make raising babies harder work than it needs to be. This baby needs your undivided attention every minute of the day didn't happen because there was too much else to do in running a household. Often babies do settle again themselves. I found this with later kids when I simply couldn't get to youngest immediately she's often fallen back to sleep. With the first I might have pounced at first dry, them had an over tired baby and repeat the circle.
I suspect aunts, cousins, etc stepped in quicker to raise a cot end for a baby with colic or suggested topping up with formula so real, proper experience was on hand instead of an internet full of supposedly perfect parents who will tell you your child will be emotionally scared for life if you don't tend to it in an instant or that have never ever said a cross word to a toddler

I think we just have a lot more freedom now before having children, and we have children later in life. I suppose for older generations being a mum was kind of what you worked towards in life. We are now very much self focussed until we have kids - everything is about ourselves and having a good time - we have our jobs, social lives, hobbies, money to spend on what we want etc and adjusting to looking after someone else and making them a priority - a very demanding little priority - rather than yourself can be a massive adjustment for many.

I remember my Mother spending every Monday, all day, doing the washing. Awful mangel to cope with. For her husband and us four children. Drying around the fire when l got home from school. I suppose she spent the next day ironing , with a flat iron that she heated somehow on the gas stove. We children had 2oz sweets from our ration books on Mondays as she didn't have time to make a pudding.
I also remember her practically crying over gas mantels, they were .like electric light bulbs only for gas lights they were very delicate mesh and could break as they came out of the box.
My parents worked hard and gave us a lovely childhood, but looking back l can see it was a lot different to when l had my children.

They weren’t told to feed on demand and fed every 4 hours!

This too. Among other things. Not that I would want it to be like this but I know my mum was fed every 3 hours and just laid around in a cot in between. My grandma had housework to do... not giving your child 24/7 attention was considered just fine. I supposed that takes the emotional pressure off somewhat, although I’m sure day to day was still tough.

Well my grandmother was telling me about my great grandmother who had eight kids (one died in childhood of something that would be routinely cured in A&E today, so that alone makes my experience immeasurably better than hers).
She was married to a farmer and still had 'her' jobs to do even with a newborn, so she had to feed the baby and churn butter literally at the same time. Also she had to stay up all night with the farrowing pigs and it was expected to be easy for her because she'd be up with the baby anyway.
They were very poor but had a childless brother/sister (they were married I'm just not sure who was the in law to whom) so she was expected to choose some of her children to 'give' to their aunt and uncle to be raised there and to help them on their farm.
On balance I will take my own life, thanks.

I think, in general, we parent more than previous generations did.

I took my child to baby groups, toddler groups, put effort into their diet, know what they’re doing at school, know where they are when playing etc. My parents certainly didn’t do these things. They weren’t great parents, but even friends parents who were better just didn’t get that involved in their kids lives. So if can seem ‘harder’ because we actually parent. Lots of kids in my generation were a bit feral. 😬

I often wonder why people think it's so hard being a mum. I'm 35 my kids are 14 9 and 5 and I really don't understand why people find it really hard.

I don't really worry about what everyone else is doing just do my own thing but I do notice the people who buy into the ignore the bad behaviour stuff and give into tantrums tend to find it harder. That's just what I see in my friendship group spoiled children and parents scared to be the bad guy moaning that their kids don't do what they are told. In the past kids were not pondered to as much I think it makes a difference.

He always slept in his own room and slept through the night at 10 weeks.

I think expectations weren’t as high and people didn’t know what others were doing so much; you only knew what your neighbours and friends were doing rather than the pressure from social media and the internet in general

No, my mom worked a full time job in the 80s, sometimes the night or graveyard shift, with two highly emotional little kids and one who didn't sleep through the night until he was almost three. I think she got maybe 2 weeks of maternity leave in America for my brother and me, compared with my 52 for each kid in Scotland. We were in and out of the hospital with asthma. Certified and inspected childminders weren't a thing in the States, so some of the "babysitters" my parents had to leave us with so they could work turned out to be less responsible than they wanted. Her commute to work was over an hour each way. Grandparents were not nearby enough to help.

She quit full time work with benefits and health insurance to save her sanity. When I told her I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety around when my DD2 was 2 years old, she understood completely.

We just know more about child development now and try being better.
Why is it that this generation of parents think they know better than all previous generations? When I look at some Mumsnet threads - toddlers tantrums, teenagers out of control, then I think the 'old fashioned' ways can't have been so bad.