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Original poster

DSD separation from husband - thoughts on how frank we should be?

28 replies

SJaneS49 · 12/06/2021 08:08

DSD is 27 and a grown woman so very different situation to her being a child. To give some background, she got married at 24 to a man she’d been seeing for about 5 years who lived 4 doors down from her Mum. He was her third boyfriend. I don’t know if her own childhood (DH & ex wife split when she was 7) had an impact but she was always keen to settle down & have a family and stability young.

Leading up to the wedding, her now husband who is very reserved had mental health issues & didn’t want to go through with the large and expensive hoopla (which we paid half of, her mum the other half). We (DH, me, her Mum) all thought she should call it off then. No one however told her this, supporting her in what she wanted. She basically talked her boyfriend into going ahead with the wedding - he gave no speech, didn’t mingle with guests and disappeared off some of the time. Genuinely I think he did want to marry her but had extreme anxiety about the wedding.

To be honest, I’m really not keen on him. He is shy which I understand but talking to him is painful. The impression I get is that he is completely disinterested in us and some of the things he comes out with when he does speak are extremely arrogant. He is in a very low paying job, they live in one of his Mums properties, he doesn’t like going out and has no friends. He has had various mental health breakdowns which I do have sympathy for. My DSD gets left alone for long periods of time when he retreats to his bed. She has started to develop her own friendships but he isn’t keen to join her on any socialising. She is also doing a lot in terms of developing her career whereas he is in the same very low paying job which he has long absences from thanks to his mental health illness. Having kids has been a big divide - she was very keen but he wasn’t.

10 weeks ago DSD decided after another huge argument that she had had enough of living pretty much a single life in a married relationship and moved back to her Mums. Quite a lot of stuff has emerged about how alone she has felt. She hasn’t actually left left him - this move seems to be entirely about trying to effect some kind of change in him. They are still in this complete limbo - they argue when they see each other and he hasn’t committed to making any changes.

So far, DH, I, her Mum & DPIL have said absolutely nothing of our own thoughts, believing we shouldn’t try to influence her at all & that she has to make her own choice. We all think she should call it a day now and no one thinks he can or will change (or even if it’s fair to expect that). However when I was speaking to my DD1 last night who is the same age (27 but no longer close to DSD) she felt we really ought to be honest with DSD and that actually that might be helpful in terms of external confirmation of what she may be thinking.

So any thoughts? I personally think on balance we should stay clear, be supportive and let her work this out herself but do others think we should be a bit more forthright and say ‘run for the hills’ which is what we all think?

OP posts:

newnortherner111 · 12/06/2021 08:11

I think you should have a conversation on the basis that you will support her should she end the marriage. Tactfully of course.

wizzywig · 12/06/2021 08:15

Agree with @newnortherner111 . If your daughter wants to say "well duh, what were you thinking in marrying him", that's her business. Yours is to support. Sounds like she will be going through a tough time.

BagORats · 12/06/2021 08:16

I think you should have an extremely tactful conversation where you are honest about what you all think. Very carefully.

She may be hanging on trying to save face because she's worried what people will think of her. Knowing your thoughts may help her come to the conclusion she's struggling to reach. Just try not to come across as judgmental and let her know she has your full support

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candycane222 · 12/06/2021 08:20

Isn't there a way that you can help her to open up a bit about what is hoing on, talk things through, and kind of work it out for herself. It does sound like she could do with encouragement to consider if she would be happier without him (to put it mildly!) so perhaps gently explore what is holding her back? Help her see that his problems are his to fix that he is not likely to change, that he doesn't want the same future as her etc. Rather than just wadiding in with your opinion on what she should do, ask her questions about what shevthinks can happen, and gently express scepticism, or ask why she thinks something is possible, when it sounds as though she is being unrealistic .

SleepyPartyTime · 12/06/2021 08:21

I would talk to her about how she's feeling and how everything is going and offer advice and opinions only when they're asked for. Being forceful can have the opposite effect.

Gingerkittykat · 12/06/2021 08:27

I would try and tactfully have a conversation with her about what you have observed, possibly asking her if this is the man she wants to spend the next 50 years with and have kids.

I would also make it very clear that I would support her no matter what she chooses to do.

As far as the wedding goes I actually feel sympathy with the DH, it sounds like the big ceremony was horrible for him and he went along with it to keep her happy.

legotruck · 12/06/2021 08:33

I find it really odd that none of the adults in her life have made it clear that

She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.

She can talk to them, they are there for her.

You seem to be worrying about upsetting her with potentially spilling all the thoughts you have had over the years. I would just be trying to engage her in any tyre of conversation and let her know that no matter what she decides to do you are there for her. You can tell her it's ok to 'give up' on him/the marriage if that's what she wants, but at the same time signpost her to help for him.

My own DD is only 20 but I have always made sure to get her charting about her boyfriends, it's keeps a good line of communication open and gives the opportunity to say 'hmm, not sure about that, it could be XYX but equally it might be A - what's do you think?'

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2021 08:34

Yeah this is an area where fools rush in. And Angels fear to tread.

Anything you say if they get back together will be long term damage causing, she will never forget or forgive.

She’s also a grown woman and your opinion likely counts for nothing. Very few adults really give a royal shit about their parents feelings on their partner,other than to be pleased they like them or pissed off they don’t

Your daughter is incredibly naive, or immature, to think that your opinion in some way matters so much that simply by granting it, your step daughter will see the light. That doesn’t even work with most teens

Encourage her to explore her thoughts, about the past and the future, about what she wants to happen and if it’s realistic, give no opinion. She’s not asked you for it. She will come to her own decisions in her own time.

DinosaurDiana · 12/06/2021 08:37

I think you should ask her if she wants to hear your opinion.
If she says yes, finish what you say with ‘we will support you in whatever you choose to do’.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/06/2021 08:40

I’d suggest to her that talking to a third party might clarify her thoughts about where she wants her life to go. Say someone neutral would be best and offer to pay for it. Then say you only want the best for her and you will support her in whatever she decides.

Original poster

SJaneS49 · 12/06/2021 08:42

I agree @Gingerkittykat, I do think the wedding was very hard for him and that it should have been called off in favour of a very small ceremony. DH felt the same. However she’d always wanted a big, dream wedding and that’s what she got. With a bit of an absent groom it felt a bit odd to be honest. Most of the guests knew what had been happening and I heard a lot of speculation about whether he’d actually turn up or not.

We have probed very gently. DH has got her talking about what she would like to see going forward (her husband effecting a complete change in his attitude & behaviour), whether she thought this was realistic, would she be happy going back and continuing as they are in ten years time etc. I’ve talked to her a bit about whether people can really ever change, what she wants out of life, the importance of being happy & true to yourself etc in non confrontational terms. As it’s now 10 weeks (and DSDs stepfather is getting a little testy about her continued presence) DH has talked to her about it maybe being time soon to make a decision. He’s also offered to help her get set up in a flat should she decide to go.

Thanks all for your thoughts - seems split both ways really!

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 12/06/2021 08:45

My family decided to stay away, not intervene and let me take my own decisions.

To me that attitude felt as if they didn’t give a shit, still does. I felt unsupported, I didn’t want them to support me financially, help with DS or anything of the sort. I, like any person about to split from the most important relationship so far, just wanted reassurance that it was right to give up, I got none.

Ask her how she is, how she feels and especially what she wants and let her know that whatever she decides you will be there for her.

Original poster

SJaneS49 · 12/06/2021 08:46

@legotruck - we’ve very very much made it clear we’re here for her and will listen & that you only get one life and that she deserves to be happy (whatever it is that she decides makes her happy!).

OP posts:

legotruck · 12/06/2021 08:47

[quote SJaneS49]@legotruck - we’ve very very much made it clear we’re here for her and will listen & that you only get one life and that she deserves to be happy (whatever it is that she decides makes her happy!).[/quote]

My mistake. I didn't get that from the OP

BlueLobelia · 12/06/2021 08:48

I think you should be honest (tactfully!) She's young and floundering and looking for guidance from the people she trusts to always have her back.

I have a friend who when he got divorced everyone said 'Finally! WTF were you thinking??!!' and he was just desperately hurt and betrayed that no-one had thought to express any doubts or encourage him to express his. he had had doubts before he got married but as no-one had seemed anything but delighted for the couple he had gone with it, if that makes sense.

Original poster

SJaneS49 · 12/06/2021 08:49

Fair enough! We’ve had the ‘we’ve got your back, come and bend our ear at any time’ talk numerous times 🙂!

OP posts:

BlueLobelia · 12/06/2021 08:50

@SJaneS49

I agree *@Gingerkittykat*, I do think the wedding was very hard for him and that it should have been called off in favour of a very small ceremony. DH felt the same. However she’d always wanted a big, dream wedding and that’s what she got. With a bit of an absent groom it felt a bit odd to be honest. Most of the guests knew what had been happening and I heard a lot of speculation about whether he’d actually turn up or not.

Thanks all for your thoughts - seems split both ways really!

Oh I was typing my previous response when this was posted.

This sounds like the perfect and supportive approach. Supporting, guiding and telling her you will be there for her.

Hope it works out for her.

trilbydoll · 12/06/2021 08:53

I agree with pp, make it clear it's her decision and you'll support her whatever. I don't see anything wrong with a bit of 'in my experience people don't change' with the caveat that you haven't encountered every person on the planet and also pointing out the sunk cost fallacy / no point flogging a dead horse, in case she feels it can all be rescued if she just tries harder.

Original poster

SJaneS49 · 12/06/2021 09:14

@BlueLobelia@trilbydoll - thank you. Thing is I don’t think she is thinking she should try harder, it’s more about pushing him to that space. She has tried I know. I’ve also tried (again very gently) talking about children as this is hugely important to her - what kind of father she thinks he’ll be & if it’s as absent as she thinks, how she would feel carrying the can on her own.

My DD1 is very blunt and forthright and like one of the PPs, when her father left me many years ago, my family and friends turned around with a ‘thank Christ for that!’. One of my friends even told me that exDP had made a serious pass at her when I was pregnant. I did think at the time ‘why are you only telling me this now?’ which I guess is why I’m pondering what DD1 said, even though I think on balance she is wrong!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/06/2021 09:32

Being me, I’d want to talk to your dsd. But the overriding theme would be to be happy for her whatever she decides to do with her life. Stay or go. So if you do talk to her, I would maybe discuss the following…

Does your dsd fully get that we can only change ourselves, not others? And does she understand that even if she does see a change in him, it may not be permanent and sustainable?

Perhaps you could suggest if she’s struggling to know what to do, she could write a list of positive and negatives about the relationship and above all, I think knowing that she has your love and support whatever she decides for her future.

If she asks what you think, you can be very honest, can’t you? You can see he loves her. You do wonder if they both want very different things. He’s a homebody and likes a lot of alone time, including not wanting a family.

She sounds far more sociable, career oriented, and wants to have children. I think the big question is if she wants children more than her marriage to last. And if she does to think about her fertility.

StoneColdBitch · 12/06/2021 09:34

Having been in a similar situation to your DSD - married a very similar man when I was 25, and I ended the marriage when I was 29 because I was living a single life despite being married - I think the best approach is to make it clear you'll support her no matter what. If you can, offer to put her up, if her mum and stepdad aren't happy for her to keep staying with them. Give her time and space to make her decision. Don't be too directive, but I think it's reasonable to encourage her to think about whether she wants this man to be the father of her children and the person she spends the next 60 years with.

Lollypop701 · 12/06/2021 09:47

Sounds like you are doing fine… only thing is have you actually said it’s ok to walk away? If it were me I’d be thinking of the money you’d spent and effort put in … I’d feel guilty tbh. Plus she might need financial help to leave, and step dad is already getting antsy about her longer than anticipated stay.

motogogo · 12/06/2021 09:54

Extreme tact, lots of "we will support you in whatever you decides" but let her know not all marriages make it and it's ok to admit it's not working, don't be embarrassed etc. Assure her she can't fix him, not her fault etc.

Yes ultimately she needs to call time on her marriage but I wouldn't mention anything negative about him because it could be taken out of context

motogogo · 12/06/2021 09:58

@SJaneS49

When exh left me, Dd2 asked me why I hadn't left him 10 years prior! Dd1 on the other hand is still struggling a bit with our split so would have been worse younger.

romdowa · 12/06/2021 10:02

If it were me , I would prefer to hear your thoughts on the situation but I would ask for them anyway. It might be best to ask her what form of support she wants here. How well would she receive the honest truth?

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