DSD is 27 and a grown woman so very different situation to her being a child. To give some background, she got married at 24 to a man she’d been seeing for about 5 years who lived 4 doors down from her Mum. He was her third boyfriend. I don’t know if her own childhood (DH & ex wife split when she was 7) had an impact but she was always keen to settle down & have a family and stability young.
Leading up to the wedding, her now husband who is very reserved had mental health issues & didn’t want to go through with the large and expensive hoopla (which we paid half of, her mum the other half). We (DH, me, her Mum) all thought she should call it off then. No one however told her this, supporting her in what she wanted. She basically talked her boyfriend into going ahead with the wedding - he gave no speech, didn’t mingle with guests and disappeared off some of the time. Genuinely I think he did want to marry her but had extreme anxiety about the wedding.
To be honest, I’m really not keen on him. He is shy which I understand but talking to him is painful. The impression I get is that he is completely disinterested in us and some of the things he comes out with when he does speak are extremely arrogant. He is in a very low paying job, they live in one of his Mums properties, he doesn’t like going out and has no friends. He has had various mental health breakdowns which I do have sympathy for. My DSD gets left alone for long periods of time when he retreats to his bed. She has started to develop her own friendships but he isn’t keen to join her on any socialising. She is also doing a lot in terms of developing her career whereas he is in the same very low paying job which he has long absences from thanks to his mental health illness. Having kids has been a big divide - she was very keen but he wasn’t.
10 weeks ago DSD decided after another huge argument that she had had enough of living pretty much a single life in a married relationship and moved back to her Mums. Quite a lot of stuff has emerged about how alone she has felt. She hasn’t actually left left him - this move seems to be entirely about trying to effect some kind of change in him. They are still in this complete limbo - they argue when they see each other and he hasn’t committed to making any changes.
So far, DH, I, her Mum & DPIL have said absolutely nothing of our own thoughts, believing we shouldn’t try to influence her at all & that she has to make her own choice. We all think she should call it a day now and no one thinks he can or will change (or even if it’s fair to expect that). However when I was speaking to my DD1 last night who is the same age (27 but no longer close to DSD) she felt we really ought to be honest with DSD and that actually that might be helpful in terms of external confirmation of what she may be thinking.
So any thoughts? I personally think on balance we should stay clear, be supportive and let her work this out herself but do others think we should be a bit more forthright and say ‘run for the hills’ which is what we all think?