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Original poster

Partner’s sudden change?? What’s going on?

38 replies

DoranGrea · 09/06/2021 23:02

I’ve not been with DP long, query whether to even call him DP but we are exclusive and its been nearly a year.

We are in love. But one thing has driven me mad since day one and that’s his inability to discuss plans with me in good time/his inability to want to pin down dates to meet etc. We’ve always met regularly but it’s been stressful for me, especially at the start as I interpreted his reluctance to agree to suggested plans as hesitance about us. But in all other ways he was great.

Anyway, last weekend I lost my cool when once more he was vague about plans and said he’d let me know as he needed to check some things. I said I wasn’t ok with the vagueness, that I deserved better and this wasn’t a relationship if I was unable to fix plans with him. It was late and we went to bed and the following morning he said nothing about it except to confirm the next time we would meet (which is a start for once). Anyway, tonight he’s messaged me, as if all his idea, saying ‘I think it would be really good if we could make plans at least two weeks in advance at all times, I really do think it is best, if you agree that’s reasonable? And a load more other comments that basically I could have written (and have written) to him in the past.

Why the sudden change so you think? And why has he presented this as if it’s his idea suddenly?!

OP posts:
Taikoo · 09/06/2021 23:04

Is he married?

Original poster
DoranGrea · 09/06/2021 23:04

@Taikoo no definitely not

OP posts:
Taikoo · 09/06/2021 23:06

Have you been to his home and met his family and friends?

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Dating General relationships Relationship problems
Molly333 · 09/06/2021 23:08

Maybe he's just used to the old ' I don't want to be tied down ' thing but when you bought it up he thought about it and is trying to change a bit

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 09/06/2021 23:09

Because some people aren't good at understanding other people's needs but want to try learn?

Original poster
DoranGrea · 09/06/2021 23:09

Hmm just seems weird I’ve literally been trying to organise things in advance for months.

OP posts:
GNCQ · 09/06/2021 23:12

@Taikoo

Is he married?
Ridiculous comment! Grin
Worriesome · 09/06/2021 23:15

Maybe he’s worried u are going to dump him if his inability to make plans carries on x

GNCQ · 09/06/2021 23:17

You sound like me and DP actually.

I'll say "shall we do X on Y weekend* DP will say "I don't know I'll let you know"
A day or two later I'll say "so what about doing x on y weekend" he'll say I don't know.

In my opinion this is normal behaviour from a bloke, but you're right to feel a bit rejected. It's the lack of enthusiasm I suppose.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/06/2021 23:17

I think he's realised you might walk if he doesn't change but he can't bear to acknowledge he's in the wrong so it has to be his idea. Sorry but it's twattish.

Tinty · 09/06/2021 23:18

Maybe he spoke to someone, who said don’t be a tit, call @DoranGrea and make plans like an adult, before you lose her. Does he have a sister? Grin

Original poster
DoranGrea · 09/06/2021 23:32

@Tinty no he doesn’t have a sister.

It’s just so strange. It’s like someone had hijacked his phone! The message was like he’d just re presented what id been saying for months. I guess he may have been worried about losing me but he’s never cared about it before when I used to go on about how much better it would be to make plans sooner.

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 09/06/2021 23:35

Are you SURE he's not married? Have you met all of his family and friends, have you ever called round unannounced and if so what did he do?

Original poster
DoranGrea · 09/06/2021 23:36

He’s definitely not married

OP posts:
SurelyNott · 09/06/2021 23:40

Because some people do this, seen it in a work and family context 100 times. Plant an idea plant an idea then BOOM it’s their idea.

It’s a good thing it’s fixed but it does indicate he’s always going to be that kind of man.

MNBookNerd · 09/06/2021 23:48

Might be missing the point here but this comment felt a bit odd to me ‘I think it would be really good if we could make plans at least two weeks in advance at all times". Totally get that you want a bit of certainty and to know that things aren't always going to be last minute but he seems to have gone the total other way now by ruling out anything spontaneous. Do you think he's testing whether you want everything to be so rigid/ expecting you to protestest so he's 'let off'?

TastyMcNameChange · 10/06/2021 00:26

Is he being sarcastic?

timeisnotaline · 10/06/2021 00:30

For now I would say you know I think that’s a great idea, let’s do that. I’m so happy you’ve listened to me

But I’d also be watching out for can this man ever genuinely take my opinion on board, or does he have to kid himself that every good idea is his idea, spring fully formed from his consciousness like Minerva. And other people’s opinions.

Taikoo · 10/06/2021 05:05

Have you met any of his family or friends or been inside his house?

Mintjulia · 10/06/2021 05:20

You yelled at him for not making plans. So he's gone away, thought about it and come back with a suggestion that you have a two week ongoing plan, ie, he's agreeing to try it your way.
What are you grumbling for? Surely this is what you wanted.Confused

ExhaustedFlamingo · 10/06/2021 05:21

With some people I've known over the years - not necessarily partners but family members, work bosses etc, I've found that direct suggestions are met with excuses.

In many cases I've had much more success by dropping blatant hints, or even practically saying something outright, and letting them announce it as "their idea". I get my way, they think they're steering the ship - everyone is happy. Boom.

The only thing I'd say is that it's pretty exhausting to have to keep that up in an intimate relationship. Is he a bit of a control freak in general? Maybe that's why he's been vague in the past, because he hasn't liked you being in control by suggesting the activities? And by making this his suggestion, he feels more in control?

Or conversely, do you tend to take over and him being vague was his way of pushing back a bit? And "his suggestion" is a way of trying to make himself feel part of the decision-making?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/06/2021 05:43

My dh I exactly the same - doesn't like agreeing to anything til last minute and everything has to be his idea.
I just smile and say oh good idea you are so clever for thinking of that!

niceupthedance · 10/06/2021 05:48

I think he's taking the piss as you've probably been going on about making plans a lot

Jasmine11 · 10/06/2021 05:55

Sounds like he's taking the piss if he is rephrasing things you've said to him previously- is he known for a sarcastic sense of humour?

FunTimes2020 · 10/06/2021 06:33

@Taikoo

Is he married?
FFS! Hmm