Partner’s sudden change?? What’s going on?

[DoranGrea]

I’ve not been with DP long, query whether to even call him DP but we are exclusive and its been nearly a year.

We are in love. But one thing has driven me mad since day one and that’s his inability to discuss plans with me in good time/his inability to want to pin down dates to meet etc. We’ve always met regularly but it’s been stressful for me, especially at the start as I interpreted his reluctance to agree to suggested plans as hesitance about us. But in all other ways he was great.

Anyway, last weekend I lost my cool when once more he was vague about plans and said he’d let me know as he needed to check some things. I said I wasn’t ok with the vagueness, that I deserved better and this wasn’t a relationship if I was unable to fix plans with him. It was late and we went to bed and the following morning he said nothing about it except to confirm the next time we would meet (which is a start for once). Anyway, tonight he’s messaged me, as if all his idea, saying ‘I think it would be really good if we could make plans at least two weeks in advance at all times, I really do think it is best, if you agree that’s reasonable? And a load more other comments that basically I could have written (and have written) to him in the past.

Why the sudden change so you think? And why has he presented this as if it’s his idea suddenly?!

Maybe he's taken on board what you've been saying and is now trying to make changes.

Agree with him, the proof is in the pudding

He's being sarcastic. He sees what you want as rigid and restricting on him.

I think what you want is perfectly reasonable. He doesn't.

Have I missed something?? You laid it on the line that you want him to make plans. He has done that. And you are thinking there is an underlying reason for this other than he has listened to you and is doing the right thing.

Then being fed with options to choose from like he is married, he is testing you, he is sarcastic, he is taking the piss

Why does it have to be so hard??

Some people do this. Like a pp said, even in the work context. They present something as if it’s their idea and you’ve been trying to get them to do it for ages and then you look at them thinking, eh? Am I going mad?

If it works out how you want it, just let it go.

Have you met his friends and family? After a year I'd expect to have closely linked lives.

I wouldn't.
I'd consider it still quite casual.

I know it's too late, but I would have to have replied "Who is this? Have you stolen Xs phone?"

@Mintjulia

You yelled at him for not making plans. So he's gone away, thought about it and come back with a suggestion that you have a two week ongoing plan, ie, he's agreeing to try it your way. What are you grumbling for? Surely this is what you wanted.

I thought this too tbh

Are you sure he's not married? It does sound rather like he was fitting you in around family commitments as they came up, but because you are being troublesome he's going to sort things well in advance so he can come up with an excuse for his family...

He finally listened and is giving you what you have asked for.

I am very confused. You had a massive go at him and told him to always plan stuff in advance from now on. So he's now doing literally EXACTLY what you require of him. Can you not see that extremely direct link?

Caveat: he might be being really sarcastic.

Mmmmm...just a thought...I read his message as being sarcastic / passive aggressive, ie "ok if that's how you want it, that's how it'll be...to the letter....so don't phone me unless we diarised it two weeks ago."

But I don't know him!

"Anyway, tonight he’s messaged me, as if all his idea, saying ‘I think it would be really good if we could make plans at least two weeks in advance at all times, I really do think it is best, if you agree that’s reasonable?"

What struck me is the 'at least 2 weeks in advance at all times' bit...

2 weeks?!?