Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Am I being strung along by this man?

30 replies

Willowtreecat · 07/06/2021 20:20

I met someone 2 months ago online and in the first month we spoke for hours every day - work breaks, evenings, you name it we would make time to chat. It was perfect and we got to know each other quite well, he basically love bombed me.
Gradually the replies got less often and now 3 weeks later we don’t speak every day and sometimes just one or two texts every couple of days. He does work long hours so I know he is busy and tired, but this didn’t stop him talking to me a lot before then. I asked him about it and he said sorry and made more effort for a while but now I seem to have to text first for a reply (immediately answers but doesn’t initial texts often).
We had 4 dates in this time so it isn’t just online, we got on better in real life and there wasn’t any reason for me to believe he wasn’t in to me. We still talk about ‘next time’ although I fear it may not happen.
I feel like I am chasing him, I think about him all day and check my phone constantly, I definitely have feelings for him and he knows this. I haven’t felt like this about anyone before and I have been married in the past, I have children and I’ve had many idiot exes so it isn’t just a fantasy from a first interest type of feeling.
I feel like my reactions are ott but I feel hurt by the lack of texts like he isn’t interested in putting in the effort, but if we talk about it he says he still wants to talk and he didn’t realise it bothered me. My head is in a mess with confusion. I stayed quiet wondering if he’ll be in touch for 3 days and he did text first so I don’t think he is dropping hints for me to leave him alone. I’m not sure if he is using me as back up or talking to other women but I’m upset by it. I know I will probably be told to pull myself together and end it, but I just can’t. Am I humiliating myself by staying available? Is there anything I can do or say? I’m the sort of person that cant give up on something/someone until I know there will be no regrets, and if I walk away now I’d regret it before I know for sure. Can anyone knock some sense into me kindly?

OP posts:
whippitwoowoo · 07/06/2021 20:22

I’ve always thought that if you are confused about where you stand then he is isn’t t that bothered.

MissConductUS · 07/06/2021 20:26

How long ago was your last in person, face to face date? Honestly, it sounds like he's just not feeling it the way you do. If you can't just walk away ring him up and have an actual conversation about it. Texting is fine for "please pick up some bread", but not for real conversations.

idontlikealdi · 07/06/2021 20:34

If you have to think about it this hard at this stage it really isn't worth pursuing.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
Honeyroar · 07/06/2021 20:39

He does sound like he’s ambivalent. Stringing you along a bit. You could end up hanging around for a while if you’re waiting for honesty.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 07/06/2021 20:48

He's just not that into you.
No need to say anything to him. Just back away and start looking elsewhere. If he really cares, he'll come and find you. If he doesn't at least you'll have some dignity and maybe even someone new to think about. I mean this kindly, but have some pride...

Suzi888 · 07/06/2021 20:51

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep

He's just not that into you. No need to say anything to him. Just back away and start looking elsewhere. If he really cares, he'll come and find you. If he doesn't at least you'll have some dignity and maybe even someone new to think about. I mean this kindly, but have some pride...
^ completely agree with this. He’s keeping you hanging and he knows it, not a nice thing to do.
Oneandanotherone · 07/06/2021 20:53

Sounds like he was interested in the chase OP, agree you should move on.

Original poster
Willowtreecat · 07/06/2021 21:00

Thank you it’s what I needed to hear, how do I move on though? I’m devastated. Even when I don’t hear from him I’m upset, never mind the fact I might never see him or speak to him again. I know it sounds ott for 2 months but we really did have a strong connection and I believed all the nice things he said to me.

OP posts:
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 21:11

I’m in similar situation @Willowtreecat it’s shit. I don’t know how you get over it other than trying to hold on to the belief that there will be someone else out there

Original poster
Willowtreecat · 07/06/2021 21:30

Sorry it’s happening to you too lollipu it really is hard, why can’t men just be upfront. Well he is texting me like normal now. It gives me mixed signals, gets my hopes up then the next time he’s quiet I’m upset again. It’s pathetic for a grown woman but I’m just so attached already that I can’t give up on him until he walks away I think.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2021 21:35

I know it sounds ott for 2 months but we really did have a strong connection and I believed all the nice things he said to me.

It is totally OTT, op. This "strong connection" is just fantasy. The truth is that you barely know this man, and all the pretty things he said were just words. You have made far too much of this "relationship" that has no basis in reality. He's barely more than a stranger to you, and things he's told you are what he wanted you to hear.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2021 21:36

You've already answered this yourself. He love bombed you.

Thelnebriati · 07/06/2021 21:56

Love bombing followed by withdrawal, actions that cause you to feel confused or uncertain - these are red flags for narcissists.

"The admiration is abruptly withdrawn, leaving the admired feeling worthless and confused, or forced to chased the admiration through submissive means."
www.instyle.com/lifestyle/love-bombing

Cockenspiel · 07/06/2021 22:10

As PP have said, you said it yourself, text-book love bombing.

FeelVeryAwkward · 07/06/2021 22:23

Wow could of wrote this myself apart from I put up with it for 7 months 🤦‍♀️ I ended it yesterday and I regret even though I know it's for the best

Original poster
Willowtreecat · 07/06/2021 22:24

I feel so stupid, why would men do this? Is it for the fun and to feed their ego or is there more to it?

OP posts:
FeelVeryAwkward · 07/06/2021 22:28

I definetly think it's to feed their ego and to be able to fall back on people if they feel like it

Nonmaquillee · 07/06/2021 22:29

@Willowtreecat

I feel so stupid, why would men do this? Is it for the fun and to feed their ego or is there more to it?
He’s a narcissist - you said yourself that he lovebombed you. Please read the link posted up thread. Don’t invest hours of your time chatting to someone you have barely met - it creates a false sense of knowing someone. Go slowly next time, and beware of men who say “nice things “ too soon. Good luck.
ClubTropicanaVIP · 07/06/2021 22:44

Yes I agree with PP that he has love bombed you and is probably doing this to others too...take a huge step back and show some self respect. It’s difficult as you’ve been flattered and overwhelmed by his attention. Don’t be fooled into thinking he’s in love with you. I think he’s just playing a game. Sorry.

Sn0tnose · 07/06/2021 22:49

It gives me mixed signals, gets my hopes up then the next time he’s quiet I’m upset again. He’s giving you bread crumbs. He puts no effort in then sends one text and you’re so relieved to hear from him and that he cares enough to text that you excuse the fact that he’s ignored you for two days. He’s breaking down your barriers and getting you used to accepting the bare minimum from him, and being grateful for it.

Do you get a fluttering feeling inside when he texts you first? That isn’t excitement. It’s anxiety. I promise you, this ‘relationship’ will not be good for you.

Original poster
Willowtreecat · 07/06/2021 23:15

Thank you you’re all so right it’s like a light bulb moment for me. The link is spot on. I do have submissive traits from years of abuse so maybe he sensed it and took advantage. I didn’t realise the extent of the love bombing, I just used to it to describe the constant messages about how beautiful I am/ he can picture us together blah blah blah, without realising it’s a narcissist trait. He doesn’t say anything nice to me anymore. Is the lack of effort because he has me where he wants me so he doesn’t need to try anymore? The first time he ignored me for 2 days I told him I can’t be in a relationship like that so we wouldn’t work, he apologised and text a lot for a few days then it got less than before. I haven’t said anything since because I feel like I’m controlling or nagging him. I stupidly agreed to drinks on Friday night but I don’t think he will come, I assume he suggested it because I said I didn’t think I would hear from him again and I’m too busy to chase him anymore. He said he will definitely text me in the morning, he said that on Friday but didn’t. I’m so confused and upset I can’t make sense of it.

OP posts:
LuckyWookie · 07/06/2021 23:19

He’s ghosting you. He doesn’t have the balls to tell you it’s over so he’s slowly withdrawing and fading away. Maybe he was interested to begin with but now he clearly isn’t. I think you need to tell him straight - we’ve been talking less and less so I think it’s time to call it a day because you’re not really into me. If he says yeah ok, well there’s your answer.

whatsthestory123 · 08/06/2021 00:47

its happened to most of us using OLD and im sure many get a real kick of ghosting

there is a saying "if someone wants to get in touch they will" simple but very true and use it as my mantra

please dont contact him he is a flake and no good will come of it,you must see that you are worth more than what he is prepared to give

whatsthestory123 · 08/06/2021 00:49

he has shown you how low he thinks of you,just delete him and block you still sound like your hoping he will contact you

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2021 02:12

For fuck's sake don't meet him for drinks, and don't even speak to him ever again. Delete and block this loser right now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread