I’m a broken mess and feel like I want to give up

[Lostliag]

This weekend my sister and my best friend both announced pregnancies. I’m older than my sister by 4 years. I’ve always wanted a family and I’ve never met the right person. I absolutely don’t want to do it alone though I know that works for some people.

I am so lonely and scared and sad. I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying constantly. I’ve been worried I’m too old for the last few months and now I’ve heard this news it is all anyone is talking about. I feel so much pressure. I’m even asked if I want kids at work as I’m obviously at the age where it is surprising I don’t.

I feel suffocated and it’s something I’ve always wanted and i can see it never happening now. It doesn’t feel fair. I’ve also had very mild bleeding in between periods which is unexplained, had tests etc. I feel like maybe there’s something wrong anyway.

Sorry this is so rambled I am just in a state and feel so alone and left out and like things are totally desperate. I’m supposed to be in work doing a job I love and I can’t even get out of bed. I’m not usually like this. I just don’t want to be here

That’s so sad to read.

My sister is in the same position and now early fifties. It has been really hard for her. She does have a fulfilling life, a dog she adores and a great relationship with my children, but It’s not how she thought life would be. She has said having watched the trials of bringing mine up that maybe it was for the best. She would love a companion more than anything but has never met the right person.

I don’t have any helpful advice really but do know you are not alone.

I'm so sorry OP.

May I ask how old you are? Are you still trying to meet someone?

I can completely imagine why the news floored you, it's one of the most painful feelings in the world I think to know you desperately want a child but be in a position where it isn't happening for whatever reason, and occasions where others announce pregnancies can be excruciating. You can be happy for them while being absolutely devastated that it isn't happening for you.

I'm not sure where you're at in the balance between 'I know this will never happen now' and 'maybe there's a chance still' but as time moves forward I know some people have found it really helpful to get involved in and build a community of friends who are childfree or childless, it can feel like everyone in the world has kids when you want them but aren't having them and sometimes it's good to also spend time with people who don't to remind yourself that there is more to life and it can be possible to still have an amazing life without them.

Your last sentence is really concerning to me, are you feeling suicidal? If you're laid in bed at the moment crying please consider giving the samaritans a call on 116123, it's free from your mobile and you'll be connected to someone who's trained to listen and help you to explore and air how you're feeling. Sometimes it just helps not to feel alone. If you get someone you don't click with you can just hang up, they won't ring back as they can't see your number, and call again until you get somebody else. I don't want you to feel so alone at the moment, there are people out there who really care and will sit with you during these dark hours.

I know I don't know you but I'm thinking of you, in the non weirdest way possible I really wish I could make us a cuppa and crawl into bed with you for a bit and just talk. I'm glad you posted here

Thanks. I’m just so sad. I feel jealous too which I hate as I’m not that sort of person usually. I’m just so so desperately sad. Where did I go wrong?? I think I’m a normal average person, ok job, home, ok looks wise. Why didn’t it happen? My life feels stagnant and all anyone can say is why don’t you go abroad or work somewhere new. I don’t want to do that! I just want a partner to be a husband and to have a family.

I’m 36, 37 in November. My partner and I have been together only four months. I think or thought he was great but I’m now so overwhelmed with sadness that I’ve even cancelled seeing him this week. No way would he want to settle down yet, not for another year or so until we knew each other better. I’m desperately sad.

@ChangePart1 and @kindlekeeper your messages are so kind. I’m sitting here in masses of tears and they’ve given me some comfort

I’m just so terrified of everything really. I always wanted a family but beyond that I also have visions of dying alone and nobody finding me for days. I have no joy of pregnancy or that intimacy with someone. I’m just some washed up wreck and look older all the time these days. I don’t even know how to support my sister and friend. I feel so sick

I couldn't read this and not send love. I don't know how old you are as this would make a difference in terms of acceptance or keeping looking for a partner to have a
family with but I completely understand where you are coming from. I have not met the right person to TTC yet either and it is weighing heavily. Well, I am seeing someone but I can see it ending soon and me being no further along.

Just want you to know you're not alone.

It’s so difficult in your thirties.

I conceived at 39, had ds at 40. And I used to hate these stories but honestly, in four years I bet you’ll be cuddling a baby and reassuring someone here.

You know... it's so easy to ask yourself where you went wrong, but so much of how life works out is pure luck. It's just random. You can put yourself out there and just never come across a person you can make a life with. I'm always amazed anyone has lasting relationships tbh, so much has to go right to meet at the right time, want the same things, be compatible, grow together and so forth. It's a real crap shoot.

At 36 there's still a good chance, have you ever spoken to your partner about your goal to have kids? I think at 36 it would be a really good idea to be upfront about it. Things can move quite fast when you're a bit older, and it's really normal to be upfront early about what you want so you're not wasting time on a relationship with an expiration date. You mention 'a year or so', does that mean you've talked about something happening at a year together? I think it would be a good idea to be honest about how much having kids means to you so that if he isn't on the same page timeline-wise you know this and can move on and meet someone compatible. It sounds really cold but it seems to me like the chance to try for a child is really meaningful to you.

Having said all of that, I know it's no comfort, you and I don't know what the future holds and the idea that you can't guarantee you'll end up with a child can be terrifying and keep you awake at night. Lots of people meet someone in the second half of their thirties and go on to become parents, it's definitely a time though where it pays to be proactive and upfront about what you want.

I'm hoping that in a few days time when the shock starts to wear off about these pregnancy announcements you might start to feel a little more normal again, are you hoping to go into work tomorrow? I know it's really hard to drag yourself in when you feel so crap but sometimes it's the better option. Laying in bed crying can feel like the only thing you can do sometimes but usually it makes me feel a lot worse

I’m so unhappy and scared. I couldn’t sleep all last night. I had worked so hard to have my life together and for what. I just don’t want to be here my life is pointless. Why does everyone else have settled homes and children? It feels so unfair and I don’t know where I went wrong

Cross posted, sorry OP. Well, 36-37 is definitely younger than I was expecting. If before this news you were happy with your new partner, have you had the conversation with him about children and settling down? As in, acknowledging how new things are now, but that you want a family and are at an age where you need to be serious about making it happen, so if he isn't sure, or it's a distant possibility, he can let you know? Obviously you wouldn't want to rush in with someone too quickly but it's never too soon to find out if someone isn't on board with the same things.

But whatever happens, your life isn't pointless. You are valuable and wonderful and have achieved so much. Are you able to arrange some counselling sessions to help with these feelings?

@ChangePart1 thanks for chatting with me. We have talked vaguely about things but to be honest before I met him I worried like this and now after these announcements it’s worse. I worry about everything that could go wrong, I feel cross he doesn’t want to have kids immediately (which is ridiculous of me!) and I feel physically exhausted and sick with the feeling that I’ve messed up everything. I will die alone and live a lonely life until then, 37 is old and probably too late already

Lostliag Deep breaths! ((hug)) You're catastrophising! I can hear it. I do it myself (mainly at night though).

It's not too late.
You have got time.

Breathe! :)

Firstly I am sorry that you are going through this.Its shit that both your BF and DS are pregnant at the same time .However there are lots of people that arent! Do you have childless friends at all to chat to ? Someone at work maybe .People are tactless and will say things like "Dont you want children "often without thinking . I would have a chat with your BF as well .Maybe explain that although you havent been together that long ,would he like children in the future? That way at least you know where you stand!

I've just thought - is it day time where you are OP? Or the middle of the night?

I think you need to talk more directly to him. Not in a 'I want your babies now!' way, but more of a 'I want kids, I'm 36, so I'd like to be trying within the next year or so if I'm with the right person. Does that fit with your own life plans?' Don't be afraid to be honest and direct, if it scares him off then he was never going to be the right person to build a family with for you, and you'll have saved yourself months or years with him when you could have been available to meet someone who wants the same things.

I think your feelings about being cross he doesn't want kids right away are normal too, doesn't mean that he is doing anything wrong by not wanting them but as a woman aged 36 who really wants them I think you have all kinds of thoughts and feelings telling you to try and get pregnant asap. Some of it is hormonal and instinct I think, even if you override it with logic and rationality! Similar to how many women get the intense urge to try for a baby towards the end of their fertile years, they don't go out and do it but their bodies are very aware that time's a ticking.

Did you feel this distraught before the announcements? From an outsider perspective I can see that you absolutely have some time here, if you're deliberate and proactive about only dating people who want children soon then you still have a good few years to be trying, there's no guarantee but there's a chance. But I worry that your intense emotions around this might be working against you and getting in the way of you taking steps to try and achieve that. Is there a possibility that you may be depressed in general?

I wonder if counselling could be helpful. If only to try and help you deal with some of the feelings of panic and fear. It sounds like such a painful position to be in.

He says he would but it’s all in think about. I have genuinely fallen for him but the majority of the time all I’m thinking about is a family. I feel I have to accept it’s not meant to be. It’s so hard. I can’t see the joy in anything

Ok some tough love time.... you’re spiralling into a pit of “ poor me” which I totally understand but there are no answers that anyone can give. There is no reason - call it fate or luck. There are unpleasant people with partners and children and lovely people who are single or childless. Not everyone’s blissfully happy though as the relationship board will show. Some people tolerate really bad behaviour because they’re afraid of being alone or because they can’t afford to leave. It’s better to be single than unhappily tied to an abusive arsehole. All we can do is get up and face the world... sometimes it’s really, really crap and we feel terrible but you do have things to look forward to. You have a new partner... there’s hope there. Of course he doesn’t know about children with you yet but you’re in a better place than someone with no partner or even a sniff of one. I met my DH at 35 and he was 36 but didn’t have a DD until I was 41. I know that’s irrelevant to you right now but it’s still possible to build a fantastic life without children even if it wasn’t the life you imagined.

I would try to be easy on yourself if possible .You have achieved so much and may easily become a Mum yet! There are so many possibilities! If you need help and feel very down ,Samaritans are very kind .So much of life is a lottery as my friend says .

As pp's have said, your best friend and your sister at the same time is a big double whamy.

While DH and i were struggling with TTC (and losses) both of my SILs fell pregnant. Going to DHs family get togethers resulted in me sobbing all the way back up the motorway.

I feel for you.

However - be pro active over this. If you feel you might have a medical problem (the between time bleeding) go get it checked out.

Talk to your partner honestly about how starting a family is a priority for you within so many years. Don't waste time with someone who will dilly around for 5/6 years and then might cry off.

@Lostliag

He says he would but it’s all in think about. I have genuinely fallen for him but the majority of the time all I’m thinking about is a family. I feel I have to accept it’s not meant to be. It’s so hard. I can’t see the joy in anything

So he says he would like to have a child with you in a year or so, you're in a great position then, you're 36, and you've met someone who says they also want kids soon.

Kindly, I think you sound quite depressed and anxious. Are you open to the idea of therapy for this? If you're in the UK you can self refer to your local IAPT by googling your local service and filling a form out online or calling them. It sounds like you're really catastrophising and assuming the worst case scenario will come true (I won't have kids, I'll die alone, I've screwed my entire life up) which is bound to leave you feeling really awful. And it seems like it's also leading you to push your new guy away, which is the opposite to what you actually want to be doing. It's like your mind is so focused on 'I need a baby now' you can't see the pathway towards that opportunity to try for a baby, which is going to shoot you in the foot.

Have you ever done any work around trying to alter your thinking patterns when you catastrophise?

Feel free to ignore all of this, maybe it's just a really bad day and you need a few hours of crying in bed before taking a deep breath and carrying on. We've all been there.

DH and i finally had our DC when i was 43 :) Natural conception.

ChangePart1 giving wonderful advice :)

@ChangePart1 I do catastrophise a lot and I have therapy. This is a huge source of distress for me and always has been. I have (or maybe had after today) a good job and lots of friends and don’t want much in life really. But this feeling is overwhelming and has been there now for the last few years. It gets worse. My partner is very new and I wouldn’t want to bring all this up with him so soon, as much as I like him and I really do. I just feel so sad. My sister has been with her partner 11 years and she’s younger than me. They have a nice home and are settled. I’m jealous. I can’t believe I’m even saying that. I never used to be like that. I was always happy for people. I’m so deeply unhappy and feel like it’s so unfair that everyone around me seems to have children except me. At work, friends, now even my own family

I worry all the time about infection there in case it causes something awful. I feel like this would be my last chance and there’s so much pressure. It makes me resent the lovely lovely man I am with because deep down all I want is to settle down and have a family. I’m definitely not with him for that (or I would have pressured it and walked away if he didn’t get on with it), I do genuinely want to be with him. But I’m probably ruining that now too, I left his last night and burst into tears as I don’t want to be leaving someone’s house. I want to be sharing it with them. I’m so sad.

@Laiste thanks, I’m sorry you had horrible moments like this too. They are awful aren’t they.

I think maybe I should tell him I want to move in together as a starting point but it risks losing him. I’m just so fed up. It’s like I’m just stuck while everyone else’s lives move on.