I’m a broken mess and feel like I want to give up

[Lostliag]

This weekend my sister and my best friend both announced pregnancies. I’m older than my sister by 4 years. I’ve always wanted a family and I’ve never met the right person. I absolutely don’t want to do it alone though I know that works for some people.

I am so lonely and scared and sad. I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying constantly. I’ve been worried I’m too old for the last few months and now I’ve heard this news it is all anyone is talking about. I feel so much pressure. I’m even asked if I want kids at work as I’m obviously at the age where it is surprising I don’t.

I feel suffocated and it’s something I’ve always wanted and i can see it never happening now. It doesn’t feel fair. I’ve also had very mild bleeding in between periods which is unexplained, had tests etc. I feel like maybe there’s something wrong anyway.

Sorry this is so rambled I am just in a state and feel so alone and left out and like things are totally desperate. I’m supposed to be in work doing a job I love and I can’t even get out of bed. I’m not usually like this. I just don’t want to be here

I really don't think you're alone with this feelings. Dating in your late thirties if you want kids can be an absolute nightmare. Like, you want to do the whole 'don't rush, enjoy getting to know one another, have fun' thing, but at the same time there's no denying that there IS a 'rush', set by biology. Please try not to be afraid of losing him... maybe you could set a date to discuss it? Like, I think once you're been dating six months that's a really fair time to discuss where it's going and a rough timeline for things like TTC. A decent guy will know that at 36 dating a woman who wants kids isn't going to mean endless years of hanging out before a child arrives. It's nobody's fault, it's just biology.

Unfortunately I think it'll be difficult to really bond and progress the relationship with the intensity of these thoughts in the back of your mind, everything will be viewed through a lens of 'this is fine but hurry up, I want to TTC'. What sort of therapy are you having? If it isn't CBT then I really recommend that. Talking through your emotions and thoughts in counselling can be very helpful but in CBT you learn tools and techniques to challenge your thoughts. The idea is that your emotions are largely dictated by your thoughts and the way you think about situations. For example:

You're 36 with a new partner who says he wants kids. If someone's thoughts about that situation are 'great, I still have time, I'm with someone, even if this didn't work out there's still time, I'm in a good position here' then they're likely to feel optimistic, relaxed or at least neutral about things. If their thoughts are 'shit, I've ran out of time, what's wrong with me? There's something different about me if everyone else has managed to have kids and settle down (which isn't true), that's it, I'm never gonna have kids, I'm going to die alone' then understandably they're going to feel terrified, hopeless, and distraught.

You can change the way you think, with a lot of hard work. You can learn to catch your unhelpful thoughts and switch them around, over and over again until you find yourself doing it automatically, and when you go down the road of 'that's it, I've messed my life up' you start to recognise that might not be 100% true and accurate and there could be another way of looking at things.

It's a hard process but I think you have nothing to lose. You're in a good position, you're still young enough to have children for the next few years, you're seeing someone and it's going well, you have a life that's already set up and ready for a child when the time is right. It just sounds like you don't feel believe that, because you're so scared, because the idea of not becoming a parent eventually is so terrifying.

Every time you date, you're not stuck. Things move so quickly when you're older. I have quite a few friends who told new partners in their thirties they wanted to marry and have kids and were married and trying within 1-2yr.

Maybe it'd help to see your doctor and explore whether everything's okay re the bleeding between periods, to put your mind at rest and ensure that when you are ready to try there aren't any health issues that you could have tackled earlier?

Take a deep breath - nothing has gone wrong! You even have a partner. It might still be early days, but you're potentially a step closer than you were 4 months ago. You're getting way too ahead of yourself here.

As far as going it alone is concerned, many people end up doing that, or mostly alone through relationship failures/divorce or death or illness of a partner. Life happens and things don't always work out the way we think they will. How you deal with that is entirely up to you, but not everything needs to be written of.

off

I wouldn’t be asking him to move in after 4 months, it may scare him off (it would me).

You have time and if things don’t work out with your new partner there are other options.

And not everyone is living the family dream, I’m bringing my kids up alone as are many, married life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be 😬. Sometimes I envy all me childless friends though I don’t regret having kids. People have babies in their 40’s so I would be taking things slowly with the new partner rather than jumping in and scaring him off, you need to get to know him so you know if he will make a good father and partner.

I fully recognise the intensity of these “wanting a baby” feelings, because I was like that in my mid 30s, and ended up having a baby at 35 with a disaster of a man and going it alone- only to meet someone who seemed nice at the age of 38 , try for a baby with him, dump him for his behaviour halfway through my pregnancy and have another baby on my own at the age of 41! But there we go- at 47 I have my happy little family of 3, am watching others who thought they were making sensible relationship choices in the past also end up as (fairly) happy single mums, and am dating and seeing all these men on the apps who are looking to settle down and start a family (typical!)

So, I think the purpose of this rant is to point out that families come in a hundred different flavours, that you’re not a failure if you haven’t shoehorned yourself into a husband- kids- and-mortgage set up by now, and that that set up is not a guarantee of lasting bliss anyway.

Don’t discount doing it on your own- which might take the pressure off what could be a perfectly good budding relationship you have going there. If I was your partner, I would get the distinct feeling that you weren’t seeing me as a person- just a gateway to the idealised life that you want to achieve- and I’d find that terminally off putting. Try to relax and enjoy this man.

Re: the mid cycle bleeding- I had this and it turned out to be polyps- easily removed with a minor operation. Have you had an ultrasound scan yet?

I think you're in a good position, even though it doesn't feel like it, but wouldn't be asking a boyfriend of 4 months to move in just yet. If you've established you both want children, how about planning a discussion on where you're both headed for the 6 months mark? It'll give you chance for the feelings raised by these pregnancies to subside a bit and plan what you want to say.

I am really sory to hear this too. I remember how i felt when my sister announced she was pregnant with her bf, i'm two years older. My situation differs slightly though from yours as I do have a DS(he's 11 now) but i've been on my own with him since the start really. A few failed 'realtionships' here and there but never one that really felt right. And it's always felt like my friends are finding partners, getting married and having children while i remain 'the single mum' in the group. I got really really low in my late twenties as i felt like everyone was getting what they wanted apart from me. I'm still single and would love more children (i realise how lucky i am to have my DS) but in the past few years (i'm 34 next week) I seriously reevaluated (is that a word) my life and made a conciouss effort to accept my life the way it is and not forever focus on how i want it to be. I finally feel in a good place even though the desire for a partner and wanting children or the 'family unit' are still strong they are no longer my focus. This isn't to say you have to give up on any goals you have. I know two really good friends who met their partners in their late 30's and are very happy, moved in with each other and one couple have had a little boy. I really like @ChangePart1 advice a lot. Changing focus and 'ignoring' negative thoughts that just cause worry is difficult but possible. My focus was forever on the future rather than the present and once i started to live more 'in the now' (sounds really silly, i know) and stopped comparing my life to others my state of mind also changed and i relaxed into my life a lot more. Definitely worth chatting with your bf to see whether you're on the same page. Another comment is that many relationships appear one way but really have their own issues. My sisters not had it easy even if from the outside looking in her and he bf appear the 'perfect' couple with a lovely little boy they have had a tremendous amount of ups and downs. One good friends is going through a divorce and another is at her limits, off work and in therapy with her three boys. I really hope you begin to feel better and again things can change so fast but enjoy your bf, your life and learn from your sister and BF what to expect for when it's your turn! Positive thinking attracts positivity! (Sorry i have a very Zen friend whose all about 'energies' and she's rubbing off one me)

How are you doing today OP? Been thinking about you. Hope you made it into work. Sending love.

Would love to hear how you are too

@ChangePart1 and @Naimee87 I’m so touched by your messages thank you. I had an awful day yesterday and ashamed to say I called in sick, which I’ve not done for years. I’m back at work today though, feel very low and very fearful and alone but I am a little better. I just don’t know how to manage the feelings of being alone and not having a family. It makes me feel physically sick.

Thank you so much for posting to check on me it means so much

Lovely to hear from you! It really took me finding something that i could succeed at without the need or involvement of anyone else for me to begin feeling better. I found sports helped, this may sound daft but i work out in the mornings (in my living room with a skipping rope and weights) i'm sure i entertain my neighbours no end! I push myself quite hard and the feeling after is just amazing it releases endorphines (i think), makes you feel alive and show's you that you only need 'you' to succeed. No one else! I threw myself into a new 'difficult' hobby as well that changed my focus and again it's all on my shoulders so its me making it happen.
I also have such a helpful family therapist and i remember one session i had where i competely broke down infront of her because i felt just like you describe. She really just emphasized that no one else can make my sistuation better until i accept it as it is. I think this is the hardest part because it feels like you are 'giving up' and accepting something you don't want to accept. Once you realise that these aren't goals you have achieved yet, they are not unachievable. The pressure you put on yourself will make them seem less of a reality than they actually are. But it all takes time and i distanced myself almost from everyone for a good while as i just didn't feel i fit in anywhere. You are doing the right think as if you simply surpressed these feelings, put on a brave face they won't go away, you seem to be so low now so things can only improve. Have you spoken with your bf? You may not feel it is something you can do now but actually being an aunty will teach you so much, you can see all what not to do for when it's your turn! Just out of curiosity would you consider a pet? We got a puppy in November and they are a lot of work but bring so much happiness you get to be their go-to person!

Hey,

I'm so glad you made it into work today, you are very strong.

From what you've said it almost sounds like you're really grieving at the moment, grieving for a life you thought you'd have by now and that you're terrified you might not achieve in the future. I hope you're due to see your counsellor soon and that you can bring this up, as it would be a real shame for it to overtake all of your life and interfere with achieving those goals, which are entirely possible still in your situation.

Thinking of you

Have you thought about freezing your eggs now? Might take the pressure of the ticking clock away.

OP I was virtually your age when I met my OP and a little shy of 40 when we had our first. I loved meeting and having kids a bit later and you're on the same trajectory as me as far as I am concerned!! Please don't push him away or give up - time is still on your side right now even though it might feel like the opposite!

Didnt want to read and run, I relate to the intensity of the feelings. Not sure what advice I can give, other than I faced similar at 32 realising my relationship was not the one for me to have children in. That was honestly the right decision. I thought I had time to meet someone and that I needed to make myself financially secure. I was scared and didnt trust my choices so I got on the property ladder instead. I was then ready at 35 to meet someone but then got seriously ill. I spent a lot of time grappling with who would want me/that. It was also hard getting better. I'm now 41 and haven't met anyone nor have I had children but I'm the happiest I've been. I don't see limits, I see freedom ahead, with a partner, maybe a family. I know myself and have strength beyond what I thought. I have days when it all goes wrong like everyone. Maybe I'm minimising the loss but I think you find faith (whatever that means) and spiritual purpose that is rich in meaning to you. Its a very difficult deep question to face, what is the meaning of my life if I don't have children, if you wanted them, but there is something hopeful and positive on the other side. I haven't ruled having children out but we'll see.

My advice to you would be purely practical- have an honest talk with your partner, investigate your egg reserves at a private clinic as this will clarify your thinking, consider options - egg freezing rates are improving all the time, don't let your friends with children rule your time or your emotions for that matter.

Ah love, you poor woman.
This is a body blow, it’s ok to have been rocked by it. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Just get through each day for now, however you can. The intensity of the storm will pass a bit and then you’ll be able to think clearer x

Sending you hugs.

Somebody mentioned egg freezing. I'd recommend this too. Egg quality goes downhill, so getting them frozen can buy you more time. I ended up going down the egg donor route, as mine weren't any good. I was 43 when I had my beautiful boy. You never know what is just around the corner x