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Original poster

Single parents- what’s the hardest part of it for you?

33 replies

Tinkyroo · 05/06/2021 20:35

I’ve been a single parent to 2 children under 3 the past year.
I think what I find the hardest thing about the minute is the loooooong days, I’m a SAHM and while the days always felt long I remember knowing at 5 or so by husband would be home and it gave some structure to the day and I knew when he came in he would take over entertaining the kids for an hour is so so I could do the dinner which felt like a bit of respite at least.
I find it hard that it’s just me and them all day, no one else to break it up (we do go places and visit people but I mean in general there’s just us)
Would love to hear other people’s musings on being a single parent

OP posts:
yummytummy · 05/06/2021 20:40

i think for me it is the fact that everything is on me. forgot to get milk who has to get it me. the car breaks down who sorts it me something in the house breaks who sorts it me. financial pressure of keeping everything going with 3 jobs me. every single school drop off childminder drop off clubs parties everything me. no one to ever ever help or ease the load or talk to. finding it very tough right now!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/06/2021 20:50

Well to some people I'm not a single parent as my ex is involved and pays maintenance. When I say involved I mean he has DS about 4 nights a month on average.

For me, as my ex is in the picture, what I find the most difficult is the amount of praise he gets for just being a parent despite me doing the bulk of it. Involved dads are seen as heroes! I think it's sad that society expects so little of men.

In general I prefer being single though.

HuntingoftheSnark · 05/06/2021 20:57

The hardest part for me was that I was unwelcome in my parents' house when my ex left baby DD and me. It meant that I stayed living and working overseas (eight weeks' maternity leave and that was including two of holiday). Ex didn't see or pay anything towards DD, so at least nobody praised him for doing the bare minimum! That would have really grated, as a PP says.

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Oly4 · 05/06/2021 20:59

I’m not a single parent but I just want to say you have my upmost respect. It must be so very hard sometimes. Hats off to you all

DariaMorgendorffer · 05/06/2021 21:00

The mental load for me.

Having to always be 100% on and alert, 24/7 without forgetting anything. Having nobody to share the worries, the important dates, the responsibilities, make important choices, and, even worse, to celebrate the good things. Being the strong one for dc at tough times, with nobody to offload to. It's challenging!

There are good sides too of courseSmile

user1471530109 · 05/06/2021 21:06

All of the above. Especially now they are older, the financial pressure and the constant running around and juggling my career/job.

But, the hardest part for me is when they are playing up. My eldest has some issues which manifest in huge meltdowns. I find that really bloody difficult to deal with on my own. Especially when she gets violent. Thankfully this has calmed down massively and she even has thanked me for being there through it all recently.

Original poster
Tinkyroo · 05/06/2021 21:07

Probably my point isn’t actually the hardest part of being a single parent but it just dawned on me today how much longer the days feel for me.
My ex does have our children to stay with him but yes he’s out there doing whatever he wants while I’m doing all the hard work at home, I can see though that that is how things were when we were together although I didn’t see it at the time.

The mental load is true but in ways I prefer it as I always hoped my ex husband would do more/ help more/ think more and he never did so now I can’t be disappointed.

Celebrating the small things is definitely hard on your own, but I always tell myself just because there’s no one else there to see it doesn’t make the movement any less special.

I do struggle with decision making in general
So that is something I’m finding difficult

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 05/06/2021 21:10

These threads always decend into.. how much harder it is for everyone else,- race to the bottom.

My ds has Sn's- been the only one fighting for him, the lack of a real break. It has got easier as he has got older in many ways but i am so tired all the time.

Original poster
Tinkyroo · 05/06/2021 21:10

I also find it hard getting out some
Places and have to choose carefully places that I know I can manage with 2 runaway toddlers. Feel like they’re missing out sometimes because of this. Can’t ever imagine managing a holiday on my own with them

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkyroo · 05/06/2021 21:11

Hopefully it doesn’t descend into that, that’s not my intention at all. Just looking bit of solidarity I guess

OP posts:
Scrambledcustard · 05/06/2021 21:12

Honestly it will pass. These are the tough times. When your youngest starts hitting four you will start to see light at the end of the tunnel.

I LOVE celebrating the small things without ex as I can do it exactly how I want it.

You will find your groove Flowers

Hughbert · 05/06/2021 21:14

Finances for me. I've been a single parent for a long time and am mostly on top of everything else but I do still get very resentful that my circumstances are tight due to someone else's behaviour.

Scrambledcustard · 05/06/2021 21:16

@Tinkyroo

I also find it hard getting out some Places and have to choose carefully places that I know I can manage with 2 runaway toddlers. Feel like they’re missing out sometimes because of this. Can’t ever imagine managing a holiday on my own with them
Choose wisely. Choose holidays where its all runaway kids or take some one with you for an extra pair of hands. My birthday is coming up and I've just bought tickets to the zoo - kids will have a good day so it mean I will too!

Also get some reigns so they can't leg it off.

Temporaryanonymity · 05/06/2021 21:17

I did find it hard when the kids were small but it’s bloody great now they are teens. I love it. I listen to my mates whinge about their useless partners and lack of sex and relish every minute of my life. It gets better!

SomewhereInAnotherLife · 05/06/2021 21:18

Some things are hard. The thing that keeps me up at night is the knowledge that my little family’s financial security rests solely on my shoulders. I feel the responsibility of that keenly.

But there are definite pluses too. My ex was a miserable, moody fucker. I love that I can structure our days to suit us without having to consider what someone else wants. Today DD wanted to bake some bread and then take it on a picnic. So that’s what we did. Ex would have found some reason to moan about it being a stupid idea for some —imaginary— reason. But we all had a great day.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/06/2021 21:23

I ended my relationship when I found out I was pregnant, I knew we weren't a good match and DD sees him twice a week, she's 11 now. The hardest part for me was not having anyone to chat to and share all the 'firsts' with and the cute things she used to do day to day.

But there are bonuses, with no partner to factor in we can do as we please, we took a picnic dinner out and a book each and spent a couple of hours at a local beauty spot and watch the sun start to set (East Coast) whereas friends with partners often seem to have to hang around and see what their partners want to do or do them tea if they've been at work.

StripeyDeckchair · 05/06/2021 21:31

I was a single parent for several years from when my twins were 18 months. It was the exhaustion (especially if one of them was ill) and being responsible for everything.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 05/06/2021 21:34

It’s the responsibility. Even now, and mine are adults, I’m the go to for the two still at uni - decisions, money, everything it was always down to me.

And never ever ever being able to properly relax because I always had to be “on duty” even when they were with their dad coz he was and is useless.

But it gets better. Mine are adult and I can have a drink now if I want because they don’t need me in the same way, for example

marble11 · 05/06/2021 22:09

I am a lone parent.

The hardest part for me was the guilt of putting my daughter in childcare or holiday club.

It would have been nice to be able to stay at home but I wouldn't have been able to fund it myself and I didn't want my daughter to have the stigma of a parent on the dole.

user1471538283 · 05/06/2021 22:12

The hardest part for me was that it was only me. I had no one to talk things through with or tell me I was right. I had no one to run one errand whilst I ran another. I had no one to stick up for me. I had to be all things all the time.

NorthernDramaLlama · 05/06/2021 22:28

It does get easier as they get older! DD is almost 10 (ex and I split when she was 10 months) and we have 'in jokes' and can watch not crappy programmes and movies. And negotiate how we spend our free time.
The downside for me is financial. I could earn a lot more money but I'm needed for school runs. Wrap around care doesn't work for us. I'm surviving on the bare minimum until she gets to high school and I can be more flexible with the hours I do. Not once in the the last 9 years have I ever regretted splitting up with her dad, but it has been tough watching him taking promotions and wage increases and cancelling his time with her because he is 'very important' and 'has' to go to X meeting or on Y business trip. I can't do that, because I have a small person to look after 12 days and nights out of 14!

TheSparkling · 05/06/2021 22:32

I do agree with many comments on here - the responsibility for everything hangs on me, I pay all the bills, manage, plan, organise, make decisions about everything. While that can be freeing to an extent (as there are no arguments or having to take someone else's opinion in account) it is also bloody relentless. There is no one to pick up to slack or discuss worries or problems with.
I was widowed 2 and a half years ago and it is only recently I feel like I have found my groove as a lone parent but it has taken some time to get there.

luxurychocolate · 05/06/2021 22:54

There are loads of bonuses- feels important to say that first. When we all get on, and have great times there is NOTHING better.

However hardest bits-

Not having a second adult to counter or back up or intervene. Two kids, both have pretty intense emotions. One kicks off, the other usually follows suit . Having them both going off at once feels impossible. When they were little, post time with their dad they'd be all over the place and I'd find myself running between their bedrooms for hours trying to soothe away the crap he'd created for them and between them.

When they are sick. Not the worry as I don't really have anxieties there but the load and concern that if I go down we are buggered. Worse when both needed me to get them to school. Little one was being sick, couldn't take them on a school run.. sorting out getting the other to school was a panic..

Holidays - I am massively independent and happy to be single but holidays make me so sad... feels so alone being with the kids alone. There are families everywhere and I'm so aware of what the kids don't have with just me there on holiday. Neither get 1-2-1 time, we have to fit everything for all of us... I'm much better travelling alone totally

The cooking and meals. Oh my life I get fed up being the one responsible for working out what we can eat and keeping us all happy.

Finally bloody activities. Doing all the taxi-ing drives me nuts and really limits how much they can do.

Money goes without saying.

justjuggling · 05/06/2021 23:02

The mental load and finances.

Hen2018 · 05/06/2021 23:04

16 years so far and I’ve loved it, apart from the grinding poverty. Still waiting for child maintenance.