*Trigger warning* How will I explain my self-harm scars to my child?

[NinaNoName]

I cut my arms badly during my teens, and although I've not done it for over ten years now they are still a complete mess. I've got a selection of thin, lacy long sleeved tops and shrugs that I wear when I go out in hot weather so that nobody ever sees.

However, I've got an 18 month old daughter now and it's really been on my mind recently that at some point in the future she will see my arms and ask about it. Whatever do I say?

Oh that’s tricky OP. I suspect different answers will do at different stages. Toddlers and preschoolers point out every minor imperfection on your body in my experience, and I’d imagine when young they’d be satisfied with ‘that’s a scar’. You can lead on to being factual about a scar being the way skin heals when it’s been cut or hurt. Trickier is later for questions on how it happened. You could make something up, about having been scraped, or just say it was when you were young. Possibly as a teen I’d vote for you could tell the truth and use it as a teaching point as to how talking is a better way to deal with negative emotions, and how you didn’t feel able to do that but want to make sure DC can speak to you openly, etc. But sorry that’s putting lots of words in your mouth, not sure if that’s accurate, and I think that would be a call come the time, knowing your child.

If you don't want to lie to your DD and say a car accident or similar how about "It's just the way mummy is made"? I think most toddlers would be happy with that and think think nothing more of it.

I think you should just say they are scars from when you were unwell - the same as you'd say if you had an appendicitis scar. You can expand upon it in an age appropriate way as your DD gets older. Little kids usually take info at face value so she'll probably just shrug and continue with her day once she's old enough to ask. Once she's a teen she'll probably work it out for herself anyway and its much better not to lie.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, and to move forward from self harming is a brilliant thing. Don't be ashamed of your past, everyone has scars - some on the inside and some on the outside. I often notice self harm scars on people and it makes zero difference to how I see them. I'd bin the cover ups and embrace yourself scars and all!

I'm in a similar boat OP, but my son is nearly 5.
Tbh, he's never asked! From his pov that's just what my arms look like.

It's tricky. For a young child you can get away with half truths or incomplete answers such as 'they're scars' or 'Mummy had an accident' without giving further details.
For a slightly older child that starts asking more questions, you could say you had a car accident or some other passable reason and they'd likely believe you but when they reach their teens it's reasonably likely that they will recognise the reason for the scars and become suspicious. It would do more damage if you'd lied I them I think. I would suggest being honest when they ask about it, but without going into more detail than required at the time.

depending on the age she is when she asks.
if she asks!!
she will grow up seeing the scars so it might not occur to her to think they are unusual or to ask questions until she is a pre-teen or teen and might come across something similar.
or they might be afraid to ask

it also depends on how much you want to say. Wanting to be private is not the same as being dishonest, so maybe say as little as possible to a younger child but create an atmosphere & relationship where they know they can always ask more.

I wonder if it would be beneficial to ask a professional on how they suggest to handle it.

stalling is definitely one temporary way to go!
"I'm not sure how to explain it well so let me have a little time to think" is a perfectly acceptable answer. Most kids don't mind if you admit you don't know right now.
Obviously you will eventually have to say something but I have used that line many times when a question made my jaw drop on the floor and I needed time to figure out how to answer!
so keep that in mind.

“Mum had a very rough time before you were born and I didn’t open up. So good that I now know how important to be open and honest with those you love about how you’re feeling. They are my reminder of that”

And then leave it.

I have a big scar on my leg and did exactly what undersnatch suggested when my daughter asked how I got it. Think she was about 12

In a similar position here OP and I intend to be honest but in an age-appropriate way, so "scars from when mummy was sick" etc. I wouldn't lie, personally.

It sounds like you've a little way to go in accepting your scars though OP ❤️ fwiw I've never noticed anyone's scars (and statistically I must have interacted with plenty of people who have them), and if I did the only thing I would think is how strong they must be.

My dd is 11 and has hasn't asked yet. Mine are keloid scars hard to hide away. I don't hide mine at all though mabye that's made a difference?

I wouldn't lie (lying about a car accident is a horrible idea) or overcomplicate it, just saying 'they're from when mummy wasn't very well' is enough.
You can talk more about it as she gets older or not, it's up to you how much you want to share with her.

I don't think you need to lie but just stick to the facts. Small children notice but are often satisfied with very straight forward answers. As your child gets older explain in an age appropriate way like @Undersnatch suggested.

I would personally not tell my child that I'd self harmed.
Similarly I didn't tell my children when they asked if I'd ever tried drugs.
I'm pretty sure a child will maybe ask once and a simple ' they're scratches / cuts that have turned to scars' should suffice.
DD has a massive keloid scar following open heart surgery. Her Seven year old has never asked what it is.
I don't think children need to know everything about the adult world

I have many self harm scars aswell op and I used to think this my ds is nearly 7 and has never noticed and I don’t cover them up there’s also a tattoo of his dads name on me that he’s never asked about either I’ve just got lucky or because they’ve always been there he doesn’t question them.

Following with interest. My 3 year old asked what mine were the other day and I had no idea how to answer him.

When mine were old enough to talk about this stuff properly, I explained it in age appropriate terms. When they were little I just said mummy hurt herself and if they asked why I said 'I don't remember, it was a long time ago but I'm ok now' and diverted their attention.

They're 12,16 and 19 now snd have said they're glad they know about it because if ever they feel overwhelmed they know that I'll understand how that feels. We work together to find healthy strategies to deal with difficult emotions.

Bearing in mind 'I hurt myself' to a young child simply means something like 'I fell over and grazed my knee' etc

My children just accept my tattoo and don’t ask. I suspect they’d probably equally ignore scars. Things that look sore, pimples or cuts they are super interested in, scars not really.

As an aside I wonder if covering those scars with tattoos might help you? I know many people opt for that and it would at least make you less self conscious about it.

I am so heartened to see your responses.

My teen DD has many keloid scars on all her limbs and torso. She is much better and so self harms much less, but her scars will always be striking.

So, thank you. It is really uplifting to see that life has moved on for so many of you.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I am so heartened to see your responses.

My teen DD has many keloid scars on all her limbs and torso. She is much better and so self harms much less, but her scars will always be striking.

So, thank you. It is really uplifting to see that life has moved on for so many of you.

There’s a lot that can be done. Really

Expensive

But if I were you, I’d start doing some research.

I have a lot of self harm scars too but then I had a serious accident where I nearly lost my arm so now have a giant scar on the same arm and so it all looks like part of the same thing. Wouldn’t recommended nearly chopping your arm off as a tactic though!

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria it’s been about 20 years since I last did it - I hope your daughter gets better too Even now when things are at their absolute worst it no longer occurs to me, even though I literally work with scalpels every day and have hundreds of blades in the house.

I had my self harm scars tattooed over. It’s been a hugely healing experience.

I have been self-harming for the best part of 20 years and have extensive and obvious scars all over my arms, legs, torso etc. I don’t have any children of my own yet but I have close friends with children and my self-harm has come up with them.

I found when the DC were very young it wasn’t an issue at all, they didn’t question it at all. I think my friends child was around 5 when they asked me ‘what are those lines all over your body?’, I simply explained that they were scars from where my skin had been hurt and healed itself which seemed to satisfy the question - at that point they didn’t ask any more questions.

A few years later the DC asked ‘why do you have those scars in your body?’ I explained that I had been unwell and had been hurting a lot and hurt my body but that I was better now. Again this seemed to satisfy them and they didn’t ask for any further explanation. Last time I saw the DC (over 18 months ago now due to lockdown) they were 11 and I noticed they kept glancing at my arms and made some hints about me taking my jumper off in I think an attempt to get a better look at the scars. I think there would have been more questions soon but due to lockdown I haven’t seen them since so haven’t had to face them, but I think now the DC is in secondary school I would be able to explain it more honestly (obviously without going into details).

Luckily my experience has been that young DC don’t necessarily expect long or detailed explanations and will take a lot of things for granted and that hopefully by the time your DD is asking for detail about the scars she will be old enough for you to explain it to her.

My brother has had his self harm scars tattooed over and they are almost totally covered now. He did it because he couldn't hide his arms in his line of work.