*Trigger warning* How will I explain my self-harm scars to my child?

[NinaNoName]

I cut my arms badly during my teens, and although I've not done it for over ten years now they are still a complete mess. I've got a selection of thin, lacy long sleeved tops and shrugs that I wear when I go out in hot weather so that nobody ever sees.

However, I've got an 18 month old daughter now and it's really been on my mind recently that at some point in the future she will see my arms and ask about it. Whatever do I say?

@FourFlapjacksPlease

I think you should just say they are scars from when you were unwell - the same as you'd say if you had an appendicitis scar. You can expand upon it in an age appropriate way as your DD gets older. Little kids usually take info at face value so she'll probably just shrug and continue with her day once she's old enough to ask. Once she's a teen she'll probably work it out for herself anyway and its much better not to lie.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, and to move forward from self harming is a brilliant thing. Don't be ashamed of your past, everyone has scars - some on the inside and some on the outside. I often notice self harm scars on people and it makes zero difference to how I see them. I'd bin the cover ups and embrace yourself scars and all!

This.

Am a former self harmer too. I say former, in I have stopped cutting but I do it in other ways

Most children don't ask, especially if they grow up seeing them all the time. They're just another part of their body.

If they do ask, it all depends on their age. "Mummy had an ouchie when she was young" is fine at two, obviously won't work when they are 12. Ideally , as they grow they will also learn more about you and your past so when they're at an age an honest and proper conversation can be had, you already have the foundation of that to build on.

I'd love to know. Mine are teens and I'm always covered up and conscious of them. I wish there was a way to laser / smooth them off.

I was so worried about this. My DTs are 7.5 and I don't think they've ever asked. They're just what my arms look like to them. Mine are old but still very prominent and visible.

I have visible scars on my arms, my DC are aged 10 & 11 and they have never asked me about them. They just seem to see them as a part of me.
If they do ask in a few years, I will probably be honest.

I've been the child in a very similar situation if my perspective is helpful. I noticed my mum's scars when I was about 5 or 6 and she told me they were from falling through a glass door. I accepted it, never questioned it. When I was about 14 she told me she had actually attempted suicide (multiple times) and they were from that. I was absolutely floored and still find it difficult that something I'd always known and accepted had been a lie (along with a lot of other issues from a difficult childhood but that's for another time). I like the suggestions of an age appropriate non-commital answer that can be expanded upon if your child asks questions as they get older. I think I'd have preferred if the information was going to be delivered (at all, thats for you to decide how much you want to share) to have dribs and drabs over a long period of time instead of a complete lie. But anyway, That's just me and you'll be able to work out what's best for you and your family. Glad to hear you're doing well now and best of luck

I'd just say ' I scratched them quite badly on bramble bushes when I was younger' and leave it at that.

I absolutely wouldn't be going into a past history of self harm with my child

Don't lie.
If it comes up give age appropriate HOnEST answers.

Mummy hurt herself but it's all better now

You will know what your child can understand as they grow. You can judge what to say and when.

Don't over think things. Kids ask questions just to be answered sometimes. Sometimes they ask, get an answer, think about it for a bit and ask more at a completely different time.

@Teessider

I'd just say ' I scratched them quite badly on bramble bushes when I was younger' and leave it at that.

I absolutely wouldn't be going into a past history of self harm with my child

The problem is at some point a young child will become a teen and then an adult. Unless there are very few scars or they are in an unusual area then, to an older teen/ adult, then the scars will probably be obvious as self harm scars. I have noticed lots of people with self harm scars over the years and they are quite distinctive.

A lie will work in the short term but it is unlikely to work in the long term and self harm then becomes an issue you have lied about and the scars become something your teen/ adult child doesn’t feel able to discuss openly. If the child goes on to have any sort of similar issues as they get older they might not feel able to talk about them. I don’t agree with telling a very young child they are self harm scars but I also think making up an obvious lie is a bad idea because at some point it will probably be discovered, being vague when the child is young but leaving the subject open to further discussion as they get older without needing to outright lie seems better to me than making up a story they will someday realise isn’t true.

I’m reading this as my daughter has awful scars on her arms and thighs but she makes no attempt to hide them. She doesn’t have children yet.

She did a placement in a preschool and one little girl asked her if she did a hurt. She told her she did but it was all better now, so the little girl asked her if her mummy kissed it better, and she said I did (I didn’t although would have if she’d let me!). Then the little girl kissed her on the scars and said ‘I kiss you better too’

Makes me cry just thinking about it. Children are so accepting. They’ll just see you as the mummy they love.

Some really helpful suggestions on here. I don't think it's a good idea to outright lie because that'll cause trust issues later should you end up telling the truth.

I'm hoping the "mummy hurt herself a long time ago" answer will satisfy them for many, many years!!!!

I am in the same situation as I also have lots of keloid self harm scars and I think age appropriate honesty is the best approach. My DD pointed to them at about 2 and said scratch? And I agreed, then she asked again at 4 and I said they were just part of mummy, scratches from a long time ago. She is now 9 and hasn't asked since. I'm prepared to discuss it with her when she's older though, I think it's important to address it head on as mental health issues run in my family. She meditates with me and we talk about healthy coping methods. I've worked in primary schools and sometimes kids ask and I usually reply with a smile and a "oh they're just scars from long ago/ just what my arms look like everyone's different" type response. I've also been asked occasionally by adults and I just say "they're from a long time ago, I had depression. I am not ashamed of mine and wouldn't want to get rid of them they are how I survived and how I got to who I am now. Have you had therapy/counselling OP? I found talking about my reasons for the self harm with a therapist has helped me to feel comfortable talking about it with other people and understand it myself.

My husband has the same. My teenage daughter asked about it - the others haven t mentioned it. At the time my teenage daughter was self harming but in a very minor way - not deep cuts at all (luckily). I didn't want her to know that some people self harm much more aggressively (my husband had stitches at some points and his scars are thick and deep and cover his whole arms). So I said he has a "weird skin condition" and doesn't like to talk about it.

I can see why people are saying not to lie but I thought it might spur her to cut deeper so I still think my lie was for the best. DH also wouldn't be comfortable talking to the kids about his past... it was not good.

@earlydoors42

My husband has the same. My teenage daughter asked about it - the others haven t mentioned it. At the time my teenage daughter was self harming but in a very minor way - not deep cuts at all (luckily). I didn't want her to know that some people self harm much more aggressively (my husband had stitches at some points and his scars are thick and deep and cover his whole arms). So I said he has a "weird skin condition" and doesn't like to talk about it.

I can see why people are saying not to lie but I thought it might spur her to cut deeper so I still think my lie was for the best. DH also wouldn't be comfortable talking to the kids about his past... it was not good.

I completely disagree with your stance, but I do hope your daughter is well and in a much better place now.

"I was ill when I was a teenager and the kind of illness I had left some scars. They don't hurt any more though."

They don't need to know they were self-inflicted but it is true that self-harm is a symptom of illness, whereas claiming that it was an accident would be a lie, and it's best to stick as close to the truth as possible without giving more detail than is age-appropriate.

I would say that it happened when you were unwell and that you are better now (I'm presuming that you are).... Not a lie but allows things to develop in an age appropriate way

My 7yo has never asked about my DH's scars. He has ongoing mental health issues and we talk about how he has sometimes has poorly feeling and his brain isn't making the right chemicals which is why he has medicine.

@Chikapu

I wouldn't lie (lying about a car accident is a horrible idea) or overcomplicate it, just saying 'they're from when mummy wasn't very well' is enough. You can talk more about it as she gets older or not, it's up to you how much you want to share with her.

Ok I'll ask for my suggestion to be deleted

@earlydoors42

My husband has the same. My teenage daughter asked about it - the others haven t mentioned it. At the time my teenage daughter was self harming but in a very minor way - not deep cuts at all (luckily). I didn't want her to know that some people self harm much more aggressively (my husband had stitches at some points and his scars are thick and deep and cover his whole arms). So I said he has a "weird skin condition" and doesn't like to talk about it.

I can see why people are saying not to lie but I thought it might spur her to cut deeper so I still think my lie was for the best. DH also wouldn't be comfortable talking to the kids about his past... it was not good.

I can sort of understand this if your DH wouldn’t be able to talk about it, although I would question whether your DD actually believed it. I guess I also self-harm ‘aggressively’ (have had stitches countless times and usually cut to deeper tissue/ muscle/ tendons etc) and my scars cover my whole arms and legs, it hadn’t really occurred to me that my limbs could be an ‘advert’ for more severe types of self harm although in some areas the stitch marks are obvious so I guess maybe they are. I probably can understand not wanting for your DD to realise that severe self-harm exists, I’m not sure that cutting more seriously is necessarily something learnt from others but I guess it would feel difficult to take the risk. I hope your DD is doing better now?

Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful replies. It sounds like I am indeed probably over thinking it, I feel much less anxious about it now. It's also a comfort to know how many others are in this position too (though of course I don't like to think of others self harming). I know that others with these scars must go on to have children, but I have been feeling very alone. Less so now. Thank you all

Just to respond to the couple of people who replied to me.

I think for my daughter the self harm was a learned behaviour from others at school - there was a bit of an epidemic of it. Rather than it being a deep trauma response like my husband's self harm. So I thought she could also mimic his worse cutting. I do know her very well. She has stopped self harming in this way now for at least a year - she moved schools which helped. She did believe me I am pretty sure.

I don't know what I would do if it was me. I know my DH will never want to tell any of the kids about it. Or the majority of his life up to age about 30. His choice not mine to make and I'm happy to back him up as his mental health can also be very fragile at times although he's had EMDR for complex PTSD which helped a lot. I completely understand you all explaining to your kids though. I have 3 younger kids and none of them have ever asked him, it's just what he looks like to them.

When my toddler woyld ask about my self harm scars I would say that tjey werw from when I was ill when I was a teenager. I also explained that it makes me sad to think about it, which was a good way of explaining why I didn't like to talk about it.

Now my eldest is 7 I have had to be a bit more open about this. I have now told her that I have a problem with my nrain, which sometmes makes me feel like I'm very sad for no reason. It used to make me feel a bit better of I hurt myself but now I have better ways of dealing qoth my feelings and making myself well again. I also pointed out that I am quite sad and embarrassed about my scars so I don't like people asking about them.

Basically, my advice is to try and be honest but keep it age appropriate. Give enough information to answer the question but din't overburden them or make them worry. It's also abaolutely fine to aet a boundary and tell them you don't want to talk about it, if you wish.

Now what I will say if anyone else's children ever ask me the queation, I don't know!

Good luck OP.