Parents not interested in wedding

[texican]

This isn't an AIBU because I know I'm not really, but just wondering if anyone else has any ideas about moving the situation forward.

I am divorced. My parents were gutted about the (sudden; my choice) ending of my first marriage to a man. Second wedding coming up (to a woman) and they've not mentioned one word about it. They've accepted the wedding invitation and I know they have somewhere to stay (not because they've told me) but otherwise..nothing. I don't want to bring it up as I'm a bit gutted they've shown no interest at all but equally it's getting quite close and perhaps a bit awkward that it's just not been spoken about. They were very involved in the first wedding, almost too much. This time, not even a peep.

I don't want to bring it up but equally don't want it to carry on as is. I don't think I'm being unreasonable not talking about it without any questioning but equally know it'll be ultimately be my fault because I've "not included them". Can't win really. Sad today as my friend has just been bridal shopping with her mum and had a lovely time. I've done all that on my own this time around.

Sorry; not sure what I'm asking. Thoughts, I guess?

Did you invite your mum to go dress shopping with you?
Did you visit and talk about your plans? Show them things?
Are you having a “big” wedding? I mean a white dress & all the unusual wedding accoutrements?

Congratulations by the way.

Honestly? Most people just aren't going to be as amped about a second or subsequent wedding. I'm divorced myself (he never wanted any children) and didn't expect people to be in any way excited about my re-marriage. Your folks are coming, is that not enough?

That's probably fair. No I didn't invite her as no dress shopping was possible due to lockdown; it was a mail order extravaganza. She just hasn't even asked - anything. Have I got my dress? Are many coming? What are the plans before or after (which actually might affect them)?

I get that it's not as exciting as the first time, especially for them. They're probably quite disappointed. I guess the issue is that even strangers have politely asked about the plans. My parents have studiously not mentioned it - at all, and it's starting to feel awkward.

But maybe it's me feeling over-sensitive and I shouldn't expect my parents to ask about it even if it's obviously important to me? I will listen to that if that is the case. I don't really expect people to massively care to be honest. Just feels like basic politeness to ask about it?

In my experience, second weddings are usually quite low-key occasions with very little of the fuss or drama which typically comes with first weddings, particularly on the bride’s side. Perhaps they are not expecting a ‘big day’, so they see no reason to get involved?

Maybe the concept of a same sex relationship is lack luster and not something they really want to celebrate? Hopefully they are happy for you and enjoy seeing you glow but it may be a blow to them. Any children yet?

I think it’s fairly clear that they aren’t thrilled to bits about it. They were upset your first marriage ended. They may or may not be upset that your new partner is a woman.

But, they are coming to the wedding, and they’re not giving you a hard time about it, just not demonstrating any enthusiasm.

I do think that you should stop avoiding the subject when you talk to them. Lead them gently into a little bit more involvement.

I think that's probably true @fallfallfall but not much I can do about that part of it really - and honestly I feel that if that's their issue then I would understand that but l they should have just not come. I think I would have minded that less than accepting the invitation and then just the silent treatment. Its creating a weird halfway house where I just end up feeling ashamed for no tangible reason.

I get that second marriages tend to attract less fanfare and that's possibly also part of it. Im definitely not someone who loves attention and I'm definitely not demanding it, honestly (although I'm sure it seems like I'm a bit bridezilla!). I'm not without empathy for all the reasons they might not want to engage. It's more what I do (or don't do) next. Is it my job to bring it up or should I wait 'til they ask?

* Honestly? Most people just aren't going to be as amped about a second or subsequent wedding.*

^I agree. Second and subsequent weddings are different and don’t really get me excited as first weddings would.

@texican, the same sex thing may grow on them when they see how happy you are.
I can see how it’s a “safe” way for them to approach this.
Refusing a child’s invite is very harsh imho.

Are they generally interested in you and your partner and your lifes?

Lives of course

I am going to disagree with you where you feel you are not being unreasonable because I think you are and agree that subsequent weddings just aren’t as exciting for people.

Maybe your parents feel as if they have been pushed out because they haven’t been asked for any input or perhaps they are still coming to terms with your first marriage ending. Otherwise do they possibly not believe in divorce? Do they support same sex relationships?

I know it’s been a lockdown but did you take pictures of your potential dresses when share with your mum so she could virtually shop with you?

@MichelleScarn they do sometimes show some interest but it's all a bit awkward to be honest. It's never been the easiest of relationships. I've never expected much and always felt a bit disappointed with what came back. That could be interpreted as me being a bit princessy although really to expect your parents to politely ask how your wedding plans are coming along isn't too much to ask really is it?! Maybe it is?!

My parents have studiously not mentioned it

But you have also studiously not mentioned it?

I don't want to bring it up

Maybe they're wondering why you aren't interested in talking to them about it.

Plus, if they were (by your admission) over-involved the first time, combined with covid restrictions and the fact that second weddings tends to be planned and seen differently then comparing the two isn't really a fair or reliable comparison, but probably is making unremarkable behaviour seem more significant than it is.

Some of what you've said sounds like you're overlaying your pre-existing fears and emotions onto their behaviour and then interpreting everything they do through that distorted lens.

Just talk to them about whichever parts you want to discuss. No need to accuse or make a thing about not having talked before - talk now. If you actually start trying to share and then they shut you down you might have a reason to be upset but right now you've not attempted to talk about it with them!

@BlueSurfer I do listen to what you're saying and I have thought the same. But I also always come back to - they are my parents l, they are adults too and surely should give me some sort of 'in' for me to mention it? If I randomly just bring it up that feels more crass than just carrying on as is?! Especially as I don't even know how they feel about the whole thing. I don't know.

It almost feels like you’re trying to push them into a more extreme position than they feel. They’re ambivalent but they’re not hostile but you seem like you want them to be either enthusiastic or hostile, no middle ground allowed?

[quote texican]@MichelleScarn they do sometimes show some interest but it's all a bit awkward to be honest. It's never been the easiest of relationships. I've never expected much and always felt a bit disappointed with what came back. That could be interpreted as me being a bit princessy although really to expect your parents to politely ask how your wedding plans are coming along isn't too much to ask really is it?! Maybe it is?![/quote]
Have you politely shared how your plans are coming along?

@HeddaGarbled that's probably fair

[quote texican]@BlueSurfer I do listen to what you're saying and I have thought the same. But I also always come back to - they are my parents l, they are adults too and surely should give me some sort of 'in' for me to mention it? If I randomly just bring it up that feels more crass than just carrying on as is?! Especially as I don't even know how they feel about the whole thing. I don't know. [/quote]
You're an adult, I don't understand why you need to wait for an "in" ? Do you do that in your other relationships? Wait for people to specifically bring up or invite you to talk on a subject before you speak or share? Surely you just bring things up yourself?

Surely you have a conversation that goes something along the lines of, “What have you been up to this week?” Where you all get to discuss anything that’s important to you? Why haven’t you mentioned it then?

@tornadosequins yeah, I do to be honest. I wouldn't randomly bring up my own wedding plans if people hadn't asked. I think that's a bit random and a bit 'me' which I am not really. I would usually wait for people to ask how things are going before I said much about it which is why I would find it quite difficult to just bring it up randomly as feel people wouldn't be that interested unless they asked

Other people’s second weddings aren’t very interesting. Also they may think you’ve gone a bit bonkers. I’m not saying you have but I can see why they might think so.

Maybe they don’t view it as a ‘real’ wedding? Have they accepted your partner?

I don’t think you can be too pissed off with your parents for not mentioning it given that you’re not mentioning it either surely you could say ‘oh guess what? Bought my dress today/we’ve booked xyz’ etc?
To be honest, I agree with other posters upthread who have said that second and subsequent weddings tend to have less fanfare and fuss than first weddings in any case.