Parents of 2+ kids - what do you wish you'd known

[sarahb083]

I have a 4 month old DD who somehow takes up ALL of my time, despite my husband sharing the load. There must be unnecessary things I'm doing as a new parent because so many people manage to survive with multiple children! So, parents of 2+ kids, what would you go back and tell yourself when you only had one?

Everything takes practice. When you do something for the first time it will inevitability take you longer than when you’ve done it before.

That you're doing a brilliant job. That everything does take forever as it's all new and you have no idea what you're doing and you're massively sleep deprived and you keep having to stop and get stare at the bundle of gorgeousness you created.
Unless you have a 4yr+ age gap, when DC2 comes along you'll be dealing with a toddler and a newborn and you suddenly realise that a newborn is quite easy going compared to a stroppy and demanding toddler who wants to test her power and double check that the baby hasn't replaced her in your affection.
I'm still baffled that, with DC1, DH would regularly come home from work in the early months to find me still in my PJs and having not eaten anything other than biscuits or other grabbable food all day and then, with DC2, we'd all be up, showered & dressed and at the pre-school door for 8.45 (20 min walk away) with DC1 having had scrambled eggs for breakfast (see above re power struggles & checking for affection).

Thanks @orangedaisy that's a good point.

And @whoateallthechocolate - your last sentence is what I mean in my OP - how do you manage to get things done with two?! What's the secret? Is it just practise and experience?

I think it's the same as anything 'new' it takes time.

If anything, thinking back to when I had 1 I'd probably tell myself to spend more of my maternity leave lounging around on the sofa!

You are fine OP, babies do just hog all of your time, it's not you being inefficient.

Practice, experience, no choice but to just crack on. And a little bit of turning into a superhero (and standards slipping a bit!).

This is the reason I didn't think about TTC DC2 until DC1 was 2 years old. I know some people intentionally have a very small age gap and so have 2 babies at the same time and that works for them, but I couldn't have done it. I found that a small baby takes up all my time and needed DC 1 to be older before I felt I could manage another small baby. This turned out to be fortunate, as DC2 was a complete unputdownable velcro baby who didn't sleep through the night until she was 4, so there is no way I could have coped with her and a toddler (3.5yr age gap).

There’s nothing like having three children to make two seem easy...

But yes. Totally overwhelming. When eldest was 6 weeks old I was full of pride for being dressed and going shopping before lunch.

When my youngest was three weeks old, I’d done the nursery run at 8am for my middle child before doing the school run for my eldest four days a week.

I don’t think there’s anything I could have told my first time mum self that I’d have listened to though. It’s truly something rated to the confidence of experience.

@Orangedaisy

Practice, experience, no choice but to just crack on. And a little bit of turning into a superhero (and standards slipping a bit!).

This first sentence sums it up actually. Practice, experience and no choice because DC1 doesn't let you sit on the settee in your pyjamas with the baby all day everyday. I ended up with 3 month old non-sleeping velcro baby and 3 year old DC1 when DH went to have semi-elective fairly major surgery in London (we don't live in London) which left him unable to get upstairs/ dress himself/ lift the kettle etc etc for several weeks. I don't drive and had to get DC1 to pre-school 3 days a week which was 1.5hr round trip on the bus with the 2 of them twice a day. People questioned how I did it. I did it because I had to (I could probably have not taken DC1 to pre-school for a few weeks but it was easier than trying to entertain her everyday while looking after DH and DC2 at the same time). That is a fairly extreme example, but ultimately you do manage to get things done with 2 because you have to somehow.

• rest more
• always listen to my gut feeling
• my loyalty is to my kids; their needs come before anyone else's needs, wishes, schedule, convenience, ideas etc.
• say no
• it's ok to cancel stuff
• ask for help, accept help
• lower expectations
• my kid, my life, my circumstances, my preferences, my choice - ignore "how it should be" according to others!!!
• stop feeling guilty
• I don't have to be in control all the time. sometimes I don't have to be in control at all.
• it's ok to have a pity party and sit with the chaos; just don't make it permanent
• aim for good enough

(I'm sure there's more)

I either knew some of these going in or learnt them and got better the more kids I had. (we have 7)

Also I was always very conscious about not wanting to be one of those mums who always hover, criticise and direct the dads about what to do or how to do it. urgh.
no way.
I trusted that DH is intelligent enough to figure stuff out too and learn from mistakes, just like me.
obviously I'd share whatever I knew, observed & found out (like what method of burping worked or favourite toy or food that work or whatever). but I'd leave him to his own devices. I'm not his mum after all!
One time he took the kids to Belgium to see family I didn't lift a finger to pack stuff. He forgot the kids shoes. 😁 pfft. big deal. they borrowed some from cousins. he never forgot it again!

oh, and when kids are ill always person is in charge of medication to avoid missed or double doses.

Thanks, lots of helpful tips there @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

Wow, 7! What did you do differently with your youngest babies vs your first?

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I have 3 kids, I feel like I should print out your post and keep it on my fridge!

So funny, I have a 2 year old and 12 week old (DS1 was 2 1 week after birth of DS2) and I literally said to my husband the other day that we must of sat and stared as DS1 all day as I can't believe how much I get done with having 2 in comparison to having 1. Don't get me wrong I feel utterly awful at times as neither get my full attention but I guess u just adapt and get on with it. It has been relentless for me. I have a very wild toddler and a fussy baby with reflux so it has been very hard but u get by and some days are better than others x

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I have 3 kids, I feel like I should print out your post and keep it on my fridge![/quote]
@everythingbackbutyou

if it helps I'd be honoured! please do!

@sarahb083

Thanks, lots of helpful tips there *@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba*

Wow, 7! What did you do differently with your youngest babies vs your first?

@sarahb083

I think I grew more confident, more practical, more organised even.
just more aware of needing & keeping to schedules.
With 1 small child you can get away with anything - I was home so there was no strict schedule, school runs, I could be quite spontaneously having visitors etc. nap whenever he did. that I never had again with the others.
the more kids you have the more the newest baby would just have to fit in.

Whenever we had a new baby or a change of routine I'd think through who needs what and when and write a list.
then I had a pretty good guidance for when to get up, when to feed, how much time to get everyone ready, when to leave, when to start dinner etc.
Time management is a huge issue for me, but by building up strategies (lists, alarms, notes, reminders) I'd manage to remember appointments and usually get to everywhere on time, inc school.

I guess you just learn to adapt. and with older kids you can actually get them to help out a bit - even if it's just getting a 5yo to bring you a cup of water while bf!

does that answer your question?
I can't remember very specific things, (but do ask!) I guess some tactics just improved over time.

You just apply your attention and energy in the way that seems best at the time, and forgive yourself if you make mistakes. Your eldest learning to accept that they don't always get what they want, the minute they want it is beneficial for them. There's much less of a learning curve around how to care for a baby second time. It's a bit like how year 7 is terribly scary until GCSEs then they're terribly scary until A levels etc. You also need routine, routine, routine do everyone knows what's happening when.

Children are a bit like stuff - they expand to fill up all of the space available :o

But I do think with my first, I was really quick to jump to his every need, rather than putting myself first. Yes I read a lot of articles about "filling your own cup first" etc but I didn't really follow it because I didn't feel like my cup was empty. I was just so obsessed and entranced with him. Which is fine - it's hormonal and instinctive, it's totally normal. But thinking along the "expanding to fill up the space" metaphor - probably if I'd actually set an intention to carve some space out for me and stuck to it, that might have been a good thing to do.

I had a more involved partner the second time around. It was immensely good for my mental health to just check out sometimes and leave the baby/toddler with DH. Whether that is going out for the day/evening, going for a nap, going to sit down and read in another room, or saying you do dinner, I'm too tired etc. And to be fair, he would do these things spontaneously as well. When you are doing everything, it's way too much.

If the baby is happy chilling out just leave him be for a little while. It's lovely to cuddle them. It's nice for them to have some space as well. Once they start getting into rolling, crawling, playing - make sure you give them space to explore and do their own thing and get frustrated and solve their own goals. Don't rush to fix every situation for them. Janet Lansbury writes very nicely about this. I found it really good at about 4 months and then I forgot all about it and ended up with a really entertainment-dependent toddler

It's worth figuring out if you're too quick to say no vs too quick to say yes. Most of us lean one way or the other. If you are too permissive, look up PET (Parent Effectiveness Training). If you lean towards too authoritarian, look up gentle parenting. (If you're not sure which of these you are, the title you are drawn to is a big clue - read up on the opposite one.) There is a lovely middle ground which is collaborative and respectful where you work with your child, but they neither walk all over you nor are intimidated by you.

Don't have first time mum arrogance!! I was so arrogant. My first DD was a dream, a total dream. Sociable, easy going, sleeps well, eats everything! Complete babe (has her moments)!! I thought, wow I could totally do this with two children, looks how great I am... I was pregnant by my daughters 1st birthday. My second is a no messing, challenging child who doesn't sleep, is super fussy. Strops over everything. Hates going out for food or shopping 😂 (she is wonderful, kind, a champion for others, affectionate, and tonnes of other wonderful things btw)

please know that you have very little control of your children and who they happen to be...

The first was so difficult compared to the rest. It’s because you have to work out how to do things and what you think about every decision.

The main changes I've made with my second are;

Co-sleep so I have enough sleep to function.

BLW instead of making puree and spoon feeding.

Putting youngest to bed in leggings then dressing her after dropping off eldest.

Nap time in the buggy on the way to/from nursery drop off or schedule erends so that DD can have a car nap on the way.

Having a much messier house

You always have one more child than you feel you can manage.
I.e: 1 feels really hard, until you have two. Then one child feels like a doddle.
Two feel really hard, until you have three, then two feels so easy.
I'm sure it continues, but I stopped at 3

@birdling is spot on. One less is a doddle. Though my first (who wasn’t a particularly difficult baby) was like a tsunami through my emotions/life

@birdling

You always have one more child than you feel you can manage. I.e: 1 feels really hard, until you have two. Then one child feels like a doddle. Two feel really hard, until you have three, then two feels so easy. I'm sure it continues, but I stopped at 3

@birdling

🤣
DH & his best mate took 6 of ours camping for 4 days last weekend.
it was just DS1 (19) and I. it was so quiet. and everything atayed tidy!!

*stayed

I’d go back and tell myself I didn’t need to do everything for her and I should’ve let her learn her own way around things. When another child came along I realised you just let them get on with it sometimes and not cater to their every whim x

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba
That must have been amazing! I can only dream.....