Parents of 2+ kids - what do you wish you'd known

[sarahb083]

I have a 4 month old DD who somehow takes up ALL of my time, despite my husband sharing the load. There must be unnecessary things I'm doing as a new parent because so many people manage to survive with multiple children! So, parents of 2+ kids, what would you go back and tell yourself when you only had one?

another: don't be one of those parents who mourn every step of their child's independence.
the woes of teary-eyed "my child doesn't need me anymore to do xyz" is pathetic. and damaging for a child to see.

I love it when they finally don't need me to make a sandwich or a cup of tea! because they can make me one!😁
the aim is to create happy, independent, self-reliant, respectful, responsible people. so why cry and guilt trip when they are doing just that?
so be proud & celebrate every "look mummy, I did it by myself!".
those moments are glorious

and they don't mean they will never need you again.
my teenagers still hug & kiss me every day, we talk, tease each other, do lots of stuff together. but me being a slave to king & queen babies is on the decline and I fucking love it!🤣

I'd tell myself that one child is a doddle 😆

To have them far enough apart that you can pass things on. There's only 16 months between my older two and the younger one was big for his age so we needed 2 of the same size of everything which was annoying. Wellies, bikes, rainsuits, all sorts.

Name them wisely. Our second has the initial J and the third T. They're 3 years apart in age so we can pass things on. With hindsight we should have named the older one T because its much easier to turn a T Smith into a J Smith on a coat label than the other way round. I just had to scribble the bottom off the J to make it look like a T.

But mainly just don't over-analyse the age gap or how it will work. You'll find a way.

@Knitwit101

age gaps guarantee nothing.
there's 2 years between DS1 & DS2, both born in July. but DS2 is a bigger build so by the time they were 7 or 8 I need to basically shop for twins. then DS2 got chunkier so needed a totally different size.
and he always trashed his stuff so could never pass them on to DS4!
now he is 17 and 6'7" & taller than DH. 🤣

You can put your baby down and do something else without them imploding.

Although it was my first child that actually taught me that. He didn't nap. Ever. He would have the odd 30 minute cat nap. I thought I was doing something wrong. I didn't understand how I would get anything done if he didn't nap. I spent ALOT of time stressing about his naps. Until one day I realised someone else's baby who quite happily napped all day NEVER slept through. Whereas DS slept through a good 8 hours solid. I decided to just accept he would be there, awake and get on with stuff. He went in his bouncer or play pen and I would jabber away to him while I got on with stuff.

DS2 was an easier baby which helped. But I was much more relaxed with him. He just got plonked in his bouncer or on his mat and watched his brother. He definitely picked up so much from him.

We have a four year old and a two year old and I’m pregnant with number three.
Mine would be, making time for each other has to be a conscious decision rather than a default position.
Before children, we would chat over dinner, chat throughout the day via text or phone calls, go out for meals, have lie ins together etc.
Now meal times are either a war zone of one child refusing to eat while the other gleefully winds them up or child friendly conversation. I can’t talk through the day because it will result in one of the children committing arson.
We get the kids to bed by seven thirty and after than we talk and laugh and have our time.
I also think it’s important to consider each other and do nice little things throughout the day. My husband will always get me a bar of chocolate if he goes to the shop or he will get me a little perfume if he’s in Boots. I do the food shopping and make sure he has his favourite things in and he gets his favourite meals often.

Having one child is really hard!

I have 3 - having 2 was easier than 1, having 3 is easier than having 1.

They entertain each other, help each other, generally chat and run around in a small herd with each other. Even if just for 10 minutes while I finish the dishwasher in peace, all in one go - the extra headspace helps.

Nothing was harder than those early days where it's just you and a baby/toddler, staring expectantly at each other...all...day...long.

Please cut yourself some slack, you're doing brilliantly

Go to baby cinema with a little baby to watch grown up films because it will be ages before you can go again.

Pack the bag for the next day the night before and have a shower when dh is there to hold the baby so you're ready for the day.

Get out for some fresh air and a walk, it's so worth the effort for how much better you feel afterwards.

Your baby will be a big child running around before you know it, it's all a phase so enjoy it or get through it, it won't last forever either way.

Smile at/ chat to any other mums you meet out and about with similar age babies/ children, those conversations make the day so much nicer and you can make good friends this way.

You're doing a great job, rest when you can and look after yourself because being a good mum is important and tiring work.

If your relationship makes it through the early years then you're both doing well- try and have some moments where you remember why you're together in that time too.

I think you have to go easy on yourself with your first. Yes there's only one of them not two but your life has just changed enormously and you need to allow yourself the time and space to adjust to that. I'm expecting number 2 now and expecting it to be very tiring when baby arrives but my life is not going to have such a seismic shift as when my first was born (I hope not anyway!).

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba that was a brilliant post thank you. I only have 2 and I constantly beat myself up about having to cancel stuff or not go cos it doesnt work with the children. Youve reminded me I'm doing the right thing, thank you!

Pick your battles. I have 5 DC and I’ve definitely learnt this skill over the years, there’s no point making life harder for yourself than it has to be. Sometimes you have to leave your own ideals at the door and just go with the flow.

I made such hard work of it having my first trying to be the perfect parent and doing everything right. I can't believe how difficult I found everything and I wish I had known there is no such thing as perfection or the right way. That's why there are so many books and opinions. No one really has the answers. Do what feels right for our life would be my advice.
With my second 15 months later I had to let my standards slip and focus on the priorities and I had just got better with practice. With my third, she is the easiest of them all. Maybe coincidence but she's had the most confident, less helicoptering and over thinking parent.

@fredstick also very true!

[quote OhToBeASeahorse]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba that was a brilliant post thank you. I only have 2 and I constantly beat myself up about having to cancel stuff or not go cos it doesnt work with the children. Youve reminded me I'm doing the right thing, thank you![/quote]
@OhToBeASeahorse.

you are welcome.
if in a tight spot and about to feel guilty ask yourself "what would Zing do?" 🤣🤣

Haha thanks!

We've a wedding next month..ceremony is at 1pm. Bloody nap time. God knows how I'll manage that!

@OhToBeASeahorse

Haha thanks!

We've a wedding next month..ceremony is at 1pm. Bloody nap time. God knows how I'll manage that!

if it's your nap time then that's a hard no!🤣

weddings are an exception I guess.
there's always a bit of adjustment needed for high days & holidays so key is to have lots of supplies, plan for the unexpected and roll with it. then factor in some time afterwards to recover & get back to routine.

once we travelled to Holland the day before a mid-week wedding. got stuck on the motorway for 5 hours so I was bf DS5 in the car...the other kids fell asleep at the wrong time...then ate dinner far too late.
pfft, didn't matter. the wedding was awesome, we recovered after. happy days.

Baby one just took all my headspace, as well as all the physical things that need doing - why is he crying? Why is he still sleeping? Will he wake up when I put him down? Should I change his nappy yet?

Baby two I just had to crack on. 20 month gap. I’d never leave B1 to cry, why would I? But sometimes I had to leave B2 to cry, and he was fine (and usually fell asleep). And I’d have a nappy production line. And quick feed while DC1 was eating. And so on.

No tips it’s just needs-must.